Embracing You, Embracing Me (5 page)

At that point, the DJ segued from Mary J.
Blige to Toni Braxton’s
Un-Break My Heart
and the dance floor shifted
from groups and circles showing off their hip-hop moves to couples pairing up.

Gabriel leaned in closer and whispered into
my ear, “Wanna dance with me?” The warmth of his breath sent a shiver down my
spine.

Placing my juice glass on the nearest
table. “Sure,” was all I could manage.

I followed Gabriel to the dance floor. Time
seemed to slow down and the air felt thicker. Even the music seemed muffled
compared to the sound of my heartbeat and the buzzing in my mind. In one fluid
movement he turned, grabbed both of my hands and guided them to rest on his
shoulders. Then he softly placed his own strong hands on my hips. We swayed
gently to the rhythm of the song and a fever passed through the core of my body
as he looked into my face.

I had never been this close to him before
and noticed how his eyes smiled even when the rest of his face was serene. His
scent of cologne and mild sweat was deliciously male. Compared to my five-foot
frame, his height of five-eleven had him towering over me but still we melted
easily into a comfortable embrace. I thought maybe we would attempt to fill the
tension with awkward conversation over the deafening music, but was relieved
when the moment seemed to take on an agenda of its own. As Gabriel continued to
gaze into my eyes he gently slid a hand to the small of my back and slowly
pulled me closer until our bodies came together. I responded instinctively, wrapping
my arms further around his neck and resting my head against his shoulder.

I couldn’t believe the way the night was
turning out. After the awkward dinner fiasco and then having my date quietly escorted
off of the premises for under-age drinking, I had pretty much chalked up the
evening to a failure of epic proportions.
But now,
I thought, as I felt
heat radiating from Gabriel’s body to mine,
things were definitely looking
up.

Everything about the moment was already
being filed away and stored into memory as an immaculate snapshot. Years down
the road when I would recall that night it would not be the earlier circus of
events at the forefront of my mind. It would be that singular moment. The feel
of Gabriel’s warm embrace, his intoxicating male scent, the music humming
through our bodies, and the sensation of complete bliss: those would be
imprinted on my soul, never to be forgotten.

The song faded out. Gabriel slowly pulled
away. I shook my head, my senses sharpening, and again became aware of our surroundings.
It was a rude awakening from the fog that I had slid into while we were dancing
and I tried to make a quick recovery.

In a soft rumbling tone, he said, “Thanks
for the dance. I’ll catch you after prom is over.” He had a smirk on his face
that wasn’t unpleasant but caused me to wonder. Had I embarrassed myself
without even knowing it? Did I smell funny? Was he laughing at me? I tried to
brush off the troubling and paranoid thoughts. Maybe I was reading too much
into that heartbreaking smile. I knew I needed to chill and just accept the
moment for what it had been.

“Yeah, great. I’ll see ya then.” As calmly
and maturely as possible, I turned and strolled off in search of either Sabrina
or Amber. I just had to talk with one of them. I saw Amber talking with Darren
at the edge of the dance floor, and decided to let them be.

I headed toward a group of tables in the
back of the room and spotted Sabrina in her flamboyant polka dot dress. I
snagged her off to the side in hopes that no one would hear our conversation as
I relayed every last detail of those past ten minutes.

Sabrina was thrilled but talked sense.
“Okay, okay, I know you’re all twitter-pated, but you need to chill a little.
Don’t appear too eager.” I thought it was sound advice and wanted to play it
cool. We decided to sit out the next few songs. The prom would be wrapping up
soon but everyone was amped up and going strong as if the night was still
young.

While we chatted, I kept a casual eye on
the rest of Gabriel’s evening. Maybe not too casual. Maybe a little stalker-ish,
but whatever! Anyway, I noticed that in the next half hour he danced with two
very pretty girls who were seniors. I also gleefully noticed that he didn’t
dance in as close an embrace as he had with me, but refused to let my hopes
rise.

I was forever suppressing hope. It was just
one of the survival techniques that I had honed throughout my childhood. There
had been too many instances where promises had been made or hopes had been
encouraged, only to be forgotten or pushed aside because there wasn’t enough
money.

The few times I had allowed myself to
become attached to mom’s boyfriends, because I thought that this one might make
us a whole family, were the last times that I tolerated
such nonsensical
dreams.
One day in particular stood out in my mind; I was five and the
man that had been living with us for over a year, whom I truly loved and even
had started calling Dad, started gathering his things into a duffel bag. I
sensed something was off. I looked up from my Bugs Bunny cartoons and asked,
“Where are you going, Daddy?”

“Um, I’m going on a trip,” he said.

I never saw him again. It broke my heart
and I never could understand how anyone could walk away so easily.

From then on, I despised the feeling of
being let down. It made me feel so stupid and ashamed to have ever believed in
the first place, and I decided long ago to always keep my dreams and private
longings to myself. I vowed to keep the hope locked tightly within, never to be
encouraged or even fully recognized for fear that the longing would get a
fierce grip and not ever let go again.

I drifted back to the present. Sabrina was
ranting and pulling at her panty hose. “Ugh, whoever invented these things
should be shot. It sure as heck couldn’t have been a woman. No female in her
right mind would think they were a good invention. The design isn’t even good.
They sag in the crotch. I pull and pull but I still have this huge gap. I could
probably use the space as a purse.

“I say to hell with technology, even if it
is just panty hose. Well, bras are good. Yeah, we’ll have to keep bras around.”
I laughed in amusement as she ranted. She was threatening to yank off the
aforementioned panty hose right there, when the D.J. announced that the party was
over. The lights came on. There were ample moans and groans as people adjusted
to the lighting and hustled about to figure out their after-prom plans.

Sabrina and I hugged before parting ways. I
was glad to be done with the evening and grabbed my hand purse. I darted toward
the back door where I found Amber and the other three already waiting.

It was pretty quiet on the first part of
the drive home. Everyone’s ears were buzzing from the loud music and there was
an obvious tension vibrating from Kerri. It was understandable. It was pretty
clear that Kerri liked Darren and even though I was hopeful that Amber might
have a shot with him, it was kind of insensitive the way that they had both
pushed Kerri out of the picture on prom night.

I had been ditched by my date because he
had managed to get himself ejected from the building and Kerri had been ditched
by her date for another girl. I could definitely empathize.

Needless to say, when Gabriel pulled in
front of Kerri’s house she said a curt goodnight and jumped out of the
backseat, where she sat with me and Darren.

As Gabriel pulled back into the quiet
street, Amber rattled off the directions to my house. I interrupted. “Wouldn’t
it be easier to drop you off first, Am? My stop is past yours.”

Amber turned around to peer over the front
seat. “Oh, I forget to tell you. I’m going over to Darren’s for a few hours
with Gabe. They invited me. We’ll probably watch a movie or jump in the hot
tub. I wish you could come with us.”

My throat cinched tight. I didn’t know what
to think about these new plans but definitely wasn’t happy about it. What if
something happened between her and Darren? What if something happened between
her and Gabriel? Not to mention the fact that she absolutely shouldn’t be alone
with two teenage boys.

“Darren, are your parents cool with that?”
I asked and tried to sound casual, but realized immediately that it was a
really lame question. Of course parents of a seventeen-year-old boy were going
to be used to them bringing home friends at all hours of the night, especially
prom night.

Darren just smiled. “Yeah, they’re cool.
They’ll probably still be up and want to grill us about the dance. Shoot! My
dad will probably have already had a few beers and want to join us in the hot
tub.” The guys started laughing at what I assumed must be some sort of inside
joke. Ugh, why did my grandma have to be so strict and insist that I be home
right after the dance was over?

I was still twisted up inside worrying
about the many possibilities and implications of Amber going to Darren’s house
when we pulled into the trailer park where I lived.

I always tried to act like it didn’t bother
me, but I was quietly and acutely embarrassed about the poverty that emanated
from the trailer park setting, my home. I was frustrated that I couldn’t talk
to my friend about my concerns and simultaneously worried over whether or not
they were judging me based on where I lived.

This sucks! I thought miserably. This has
been a debacle of an evening and now, to top it all off, Gabriel gets to see
the falling apart metal box that happens to be my house. I was pretty sure that
it couldn’t get much worse.

“I really appreciate you giving me a ride
home.” I stole a glance at Gabriel. I sat directly behind him and could see his
gentle eyes in the rearview mirror. When I spoke, his reflection looked into my
face.

I sensed he was aware of my apprehension I
couldn’t shake the feeling that he was somehow able to read my troubled
thoughts and fears and it left me feeling exposed. My face was pinched, my
brows furrowed. I straightened my spine when I realized that I had
unconsciously hunched down into the leather seats. It wasn’t often that I
invited people over because I was too proud and didn’t want my family to be
judged unfairly.

As I wrestled with my inner conflict over
the situation, I noticed that Gabriel had braked to a full stop in front of my
house, but continued to stare at me with a serenity that was absolute.

I squirmed in the seat under Gabriel’s
direct gaze. His eyes were so soft and deep. I felt like I could get lost in
them. I trembled a little, but as he continued to look into the mirror and into
my soul, I began to feel calmer. How could someone make me feel that way with
only a look?

“Goodnight, Roshell,” Gabriel said quietly.

I could no more have kept from calling
Amber that next morning, than I could have stopped breathing. I forced myself
to wait until ten in case Am had crawled back into bed after feeding her
horses.

I’d assumed right. When Amber answered, her
voice was still thick and raspy. I could imagine her groggily placing the receiver
to her ear without even opening her eyes.

My intense tone flowed through the phone
giving off way too much eager enthusiasm for Amber’s state of mind. “Hey,
what’s going on?” I prodded. “You need to get your butt out of bed before your
mom finds you lounging around all day. How did it go last night? What time did
you get home?” The questions came one after the other without pause for the
next breath. I was out of control.

But Amber perked up quickly as the previous
evening’s events rolled through her sleepy mind. She was anxious to solidify it
into reality by sharing it with me. She huffed out a big sigh and I imagined
her rolling to her back with a luxurious stretch of her body. A smile crept
into her tired voice as she began to relive her night. I listened in anticipation.

Darren’s father had been awake when they
got in and Amber claimed to enjoy his company. He was gregarious and quite
funny, not unlike his son. He asked them about the dance but directed most of
the questions toward Amber. This should have made her uncomfortable, but his
warmness made it quite easy for Amber to relax and before she knew it she was
deep in conversation with him about quarter horses and barrel racing. Though he
was glad that she hit it off with his dad, Darren was growing increasingly
irked by his father hogging Amber’s attention like that.

His dad eventually got the hint when he
caught Darren giving him the ‘go to bed for chrissakes’ look.

Gabriel was supposed to spend the night at
Darren’s, but figured that three was a crowd and didn’t want to impose on the
obvious flirtations with his date and his best friend, so he said goodnight and
headed home at about one in the morning.

Amber only had an hour left until she
herself was supposed to be home, so they decided to watch television. This of
course involved the blanket game, which always included explorative groping,
while the two players kept their eyes on the television, pretending to be
incredibly engrossed in what was on the screen as opposed to the secret
goings-on under the heat of the blanket. All the while, one wondering how far
they would be allowed to go, while the counterpart wondered how far to let them
get. By the time Amber realized that her curfew was up, and reminded Darren
that she needed to go home, he had made it to second base. As they gathered
their coats, they were both love-struck and bearing chapped lips from the hour
of intense kissing that ensued once the façade of watching television had been
dropped.