Embracing You, Embracing Me (15 page)

Now, all hesitation was gone and the total
surrender that she was offering in her kiss was nearly enough to break down all
of my control. I kept it reigned in, barely, in order to keep from completely
plundering her.

I was determined to take my time for both
of our sakes so that there would be no regret for either of us. If she was
going to offer herself to me, then I would make sure that she felt the way she
should have felt that first time. I would make our first time special.

When his eyes met mine it felt as if he
were caressing me with his gaze. I pulled my shirt over my head and his hungry
eyes roamed before meeting mine again, “You are beautiful.”

A sigh escaped my lips when he softly
kissed my neck. There was only sensation. Thoughts left me as I was lost to the
roaring fire that filled my body. I thought;
this is how it’s supposed to be
.

“Gabriel.” His name came out in a whisper.

He hesitated and looked into my eyes. “Are
you sure?”

In that moment, there was nothing or no-one
that I would ever want more. He had asked and that meant more to me than he
would ever know.

“Yes.”

We had drifted off with Gabriel wrapped
around me, my back to his chest. It was still dark outside when I began to
stir. We woke and whispered into the quiet of the night.

“Tell me about the graduation party your
parents hosted,” I said. I lay with my eyes closed feeling the vibration of his
soft voice move through my body as he spoke.

We talked as if we were a couple that had
been together in that way for years. Then Gabriel switched the subject. “So I
guess this makes it official, huh?”

My stomach fluttered and for the first time
that night I was tense with nerves. I decided to play dumb. “What official?”

Gabriel wasn’t playing that game. “Us
Roshell. You know? You and me? A couple?”

I lay very still and tried to calm my
breathing. “I don’t think that we should go there Gabriel,” I stated sternly,
and wished we were still asleep.

He immediately pulled his arm back and
shifted away, purposely putting space between us. “Why in the hell not,
Roshell?” His voice was still low but his frustration was vivid. His anger was
starting to get the best of him and this time he didn’t attempt to squelch it.

“I don’t understand what’s going on with
you. I mean, you can have sex with me, but you can’t be my girlfriend? What the
hell is that all about?”

Flinching with his bitter words, I tried to
keep my voice steady but could hear it tremble when I spoke. “I don’t know.
Okay? All I know is that every time you ask, I immediately freak out. I can’t
explain it. I’m just screwed up in the head. You shouldn’t even be wasting your
time on me. Just go away.” I buried my face in the pillow and began to weep,
suddenly overwhelmed.

Gabriel sighed and pulled me to his chest.

GABRIEL:
I couldn’t stand to see her hurting, especially if it was my fault.
I had promised to make this night special and it didn’t include making her cry.
How could we come this far, yet she still insists on keeping me at a distance
and freaks out every time I bring up commitment?

I don’t understand her, but I’m trying to.
It’s not easy.

“Roshell, please don’t cry,” he pleaded. “I
just thought that would be the next step for us. I’m sorry. I don’t want to
push you. You get me all twisted up inside and sometimes I don’t know where I
stand with you or what to expect.”

Why was he apologizing? I wondered. I was
the mess. I was the one constantly jerking him around. I pulled my face out of
the pillow and sniffled. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Are you
mad?”

I had rolled over to face him, my eyes
swollen and puffy. He wiped my tears. “No I’m not mad. Let’s not ruin tonight.
We can talk about it some other time.” And with that he let it go.

I didn’t want to end the evening on such a
sour note. I perked up with a new thought. “Hey, I know. My other aunt, Kari,
she and her husband just moved to Washington for his new job. Anyway, my mom
and I are going to go up there in a few days to spend a couple of weeks as
school is out for the summer. I’m really looking forward to it, since we never
get to go anywhere, and it will be great to see my cousin Rosie again. She
visits every summer. We’ve been friends since her dad met my aunt when I was
only six.” I paused, waiting to see if he would respond to my enthusiasm. He
didn’t. “So, how about we make it official when I get back?”

“How come you didn’t tell me before that
you were leaving?”

My eyes widened. “Well you were busy with
graduation for one thing, and for another we just decided the other day. My
aunt called my mom and one thing led to another, before we knew it we were
making plans to visit.”

I caressed his cheek enjoying the
sand-papery feel of his stubble as it scraped my palm. “I’ll miss you,” I
purred. “Will you miss me?”

“Of course I’ll miss you.” He answered
pulling me back into his arms.

I was aware that he was allowing me to
steer the conversation and that I was once again asking him to understand
something that even I couldn’t. But it was all I had to offer.

I settled into the comfort of his hold. We
didn’t drift off to sleep again until the first light of morning began to
brighten the dark sky.

The next few days were spent packing for my
upcoming trip. My grandma, who was staying behind because of her job, was
asking if I had folded the load of laundry that was in the dryer yet. “Roshell?
Roshell? Earth to Roshell.”

I absentmindedly glanced up, finally
acknowledging the question. “Huh, what’s going on?”

Grandma shook her head. “Good lord girl,
you’re gonna have to get your head out of the clouds if you want to get anywhere
in life. I’ve been talking to you for the better part of the last half hour and
I don’t think that you have registered a word that I’ve said.”

I didn’t bat an eyelid. I was so used to
Grandma catching me zoned out and dreamy eyed. “Sorry, Grams, I’m just excited
about going to see my cousins.”

While it was true that I was stoked about
seeing my cousins, Nate, Nick and Rosie, I was also consumed with thoughts
about the night I had spent with Gabriel.

Our time together had been wonderful and
more than I could have ever wished for or imagined. Yet, I kept berating myself
for the way I had acted when he suggested a further commitment. Wasn’t it
natural for our relationship to progress so? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic that he
cared for me enough to want that commitment? The answers to my own questions
were undeniably ‘yes’, so why did the mere thought send me into gut wrenching
anxiety?

Then I had held him off, promising that we
would take that next step when I returned from the visit with my family in Washington. I reasoned that it would work out perfectly. I would spend my vacation with my
beloved cousins. It would completely remove me from the issue so that I could
have a clearer perspective when I returned. That way I would be able to make a
commitment to him without doubt or fear. I sighed. At least that was what I was
hoping would happen.

That following Wednesday, my aunt and uncle
swung by the trailer long enough to pick me and my mom up, and throw our
belongings into the back of the truck. When I saw Gabriel pull into our dirt
lane, I didn’t even try to contain my joy. I jumped down from the bumper and
ran to greet him.

He was in his work slacks and a crisp,
white button-down shirt. He stepped out of his car just in time to catch me as
I leapt into his arms and wrapped myself around him.

“I’m so glad that you came by. I already
miss you and I haven’t even left yet.” I meant every word, which confused me
even more. I loved him so much but just couldn’t commit. I was suddenly worried
about my looming departure and clung to him like a monkey.

Gabriel braced himself against the car and
held me close, smiling. “I managed to finagle my way out of work for the
afternoon. I didn’t want you rushing off without saying goodbye. But I have to
make it quick, Princess, I’m on my way out to Darren’s and I know you’re busy.”
Keeping it simple, he gave me a quick kiss. “I’ll be seeing you in two weeks,”
he said.

I tipped my head up, my eyes squinting in
the glaring sun. “Two weeks,” I repeated then gave him another quick peck on
the lips. He slid into his Mustang and drove away.

I stared after him feeling as if my heart
were leaving with him. Then turned on my heel and headed for the trailer to do
a final once over and make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Satisfied that all
was set I walked out the front door and joined my family for the trip north.

I stared out the window as my uncle whizzed
past the cars in the slow lane, heading south on Interstate-5. The landscape
was flat and uneventful, with green pastures filling in the vast gaps between
cities.

Normally I loved any sort of road trip. I
would listen to music and watch the miles pass by, enjoying the different faces
of land, imagining the different lifestyles in each city I passed.

This trip was different though: I found
myself nervous with anticipation as we headed back home. I wasn’t really sure
if it was home anymore, and I wasn’t sure if anyone would be welcoming me back.

The fact that my two week vacation had
extended to the full three months of summer, and that I hadn’t bothered to call
anyone during that time, made me feel guilty and skittish about showing my face.
I hadn’t meant to be so self-absorbed, ignoring the people I’d left behind. But
my aunt didn’t have a phone the first six weeks that I was there and when we
finally did have a line in the house I was already nervous about calling anyone
to explain that we had decided to stay for the entire summer break.

Then in the last week of summer, my aunt
asked me and my mother if we wanted to move to Washington permanently. The old
two-storey home was plenty big enough, and since her husband was a long-haul
truck driver, he was often gone on cross-country trips. She and the children
did not like to be alone and thought it would be a good idea if we stayed.

I had initially been torn. I desperately
wanted to get out of the small town rut that I had been in for the last four
years and really enjoyed the new sights of Washington. But the thought of
moving so far from Gabriel, Sabrina, and Amber left me feeling hollow inside. I
started missing sleep and when I did sleep, it was filled with dreams of
Gabriel holding a pillow over my face and smothering me. I would wake up
gasping for air with a panic that threatened to continue choking me. I knew it
was wrong, and didn’t understand it, especially since I cared for him so much.
Still, I felt like I couldn’t face him much less make a commitment to him.

Then Rosie helped me make my final
decision. She decided to stay with her dad for the school-year and convinced me
that going to school together would be a blast, especially as it would be my
senior year. Possibly the best year of our lives!.

So I was going back to Oregon for a few
days to grab the rest of my things, filled with dread at the thought of
breaking the news to everyone.

We had left early that morning and it
wasn’t quite lunchtime when we pulled into the dusty trailer park. Grandma
rushed out as she saw us arrive. I latched on to her and didn’t leave her side
for the next two hours. I wanted to spend quality time with Grandma because I
wasn’t sure when I would see her again after we went back to Washington.
Everything was changing and Grandma was moving to eastern Oregon to take care
of her great-aunt Francis. She was arranging to sell our tiny trailer and then
planned on leaving shortly after.

I felt so loved when I was with Grandma; we
had always lived in the same house and moving away felt like I was losing a
parent. I watched her make dough for the dinner rolls as I had seen so many
times before and my eyes misted over. “I love you Grandma! I’m gonna miss you
so much!” I sprang into her arms hugging her fiercely.

She gave me a tight squeeze, “I’m gonna
miss you too girly, but look at you! You’re growing up nicely and this will be
good for both you and your mother. You need to work things out between the two
of you without my input for once.” She pulled back to look me in the eye. “You
be good while you’re up there, and don’t forget to call me at least once a
week. I will be at your graduation next spring, which will be here before you
know it.” She turned back to finish rolling out the dough, concealing her own
sadness.

“Yeah, well I’m gonna miss your cooking a
lot, too. You are the best cook ever and we all know that mom can’t cook for
sh…”

“Watch your mouth girl!” Grandma
interrupted with a warning sideways glance. “Guess it’s time that you started
making your way around the kitchen then Miss.”

I shuffled toward my old bedroom with a
snort. “Yeah, right, I don’t think that my cooking would be much better. Besides,
I don’t want to burn down that old house that Auntie is living in.” Then I
peaked my head back into the hallway, “Hey Grandma? Can I spend the night with
Amber tonight? I haven’t seen her all summer and I gotta break the news to her
about the move.”