Emily Post's Great Get-Togethers (5 page)

Decoding Dress Codes: What (or What Not) to Wear?

P
arties are a great time to dress up a bit. The question is “How much?” That’s why it’s helpful to include any information about attire on the invitation. Not only does it help ensure the comfort level of your guests, but it lets them enjoy all the party has to offer—
especially
if they need to bring a change of clothes: B
RING YOUR SWIMSUIT AND TOWEL
; W
EAR YOUR WHITES AND BRING YOUR RACQUET
; C
OSTUMES
.

On what occasions, then, do you need to specify a dress code on the invitation? On formal invitations, B
LACK TIE
or W
HITE TIE
is printed or written in the lower right corner. On informal invitations, it’s not necessary to mention a dress code, but for those in-between occasions, guests appreciate any guidance you can give, such as C
ASUAL
D
RESS
, B
USINESS
C
ASUAL
, N
O
J
EANS
, P
LEASE
, or J
ACKETS
R
EQUIRED.
The idea is to be helpful, which means being clear. Not everyone will understand S
AFARI
C
HIC
. If there’s nothing on the invitation about dress and a guest is unsure, it’s perfectly fine to call the host or another invitee and ask. (
See Chapter 16, Be Invited Back, page 233.
)

Potlucks, Byob, and Byof

P
otluck suppers
, in which guests contribute food and/or beverages, are a fun and easy way for family and friends to share time together without one person bearing the brunt of the work. While these group events don’t have an official “host,” often one person or couple provides the party venue and organizes the party. When you’re inviting people to the party, it’s important to be clear that the event is a potluck—so spell it out on the invitation or simply tell people if you’re inviting them in person. As the organizer, you can assign food categories (appetizer, main course, salad, dessert) to keep the menu balanced. If you do, be sure to note it on your invitation: “Please bring a salad to share.” To be sure that everyone gets their containers back, have masking tape and markers on hand to label the bottom of the dishes.

BYOB
means “Bring your own beverage.” The host generally supplies the glasses, ice, and appetizers or a meal. Although BYOB commonly refers to alcohol, a guest can bring any beverage he or she chooses.
BYOF
means “Bring your own food.” Guests come with food for themselves, not necessarily dishes to share. In this case, the host may be providing the venue, such as access to a private beach.

What Not to Put on an Invitation

• N
  O
  S
  MOKING:
  The absence of ashtrays in your house should let smokers know they need to take it outside.
  
• N
  O
  C
  HILDREN:
  If your invitation doesn’t include the kids, then they aren’t invited. Period. If you’re concerned that a certain someone will try to bring her children, it’s best handled with a phone call.
  
• N
  O
  P
  ETS:
  Most people know better than to show up with Fido in their purse—they should always call and ask first. That’s the time to let them know if it’s okay or not.
  
• G
  IFT
  I
  NFORMATION:
  A request for gifts or any mention of gifts or where someone is registered is
  never
  put on the invitation itself. This is an inviolable rule for wedding invitations, but it also applies to birthday, anniversary, graduation, shower, or other invitations when the occasion calls for a gift for the honoree. Remember—the choice of a gift is
  always
  up to the giver. That said, people do like to give gifts that please the recipients, and suggestions are helpful. So, for bridal or baby showers, it’s okay to add a separate enclosure with registry information or a list of items on the mother-to-be’s or bride’s wish list.
  

If a group gift is planned, this information also goes on a separate enclosure:
“Some of us are getting together to give Anne Marie and Matt a tent for their 10th anniversary. The total cost is $425. If you’d like to join in, please call Tara at 987-555-1234 by June 10.”
This way a guest is free to contribute or give a gift of his or her choosing. Note, too, that no amount was suggested, but that the contribution was left up to the individual.

What’s in a Name?

T
o some people, everything. When addressing invitations, be careful to spell names correctly. Although it’s fine to omit titles when addressing casual invitations, titles are a must for more formal ones. This can be an etiquette minefield: Jane and John are married, but she doesn’t want to be addressed as “...and Mrs. John Kelly”; Shana’s married but uses her maiden name; Colleen’s a doctor and so is her husband. (Women have so many options these days!) It’s always nice if you can find out how people prefer to be addressed, but if you aren’t sure, use this chart to guide you:

How Do I Address?

SITUATION: ADDRESSING A WOMAN
OPTIONS/NOTES
Maiden name
Ms. Jane Johnson
Miss Jane Johnson*
*Usually Miss is for girls under 18.

Married, uses her husband’s name socially
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly*
*Nowadays this is acceptable.
Ms. Jane Kelly

Separated, not divorced
Mrs. John Kelly
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

Divorced
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Johnson (maiden name)

Widowed
Mrs. John Kelly*
*if you don’t know the widow’s preference, this is the traditional and preferred form.
Mrs. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly

SITUATION: ADDRESSING A COUPLE
OPTIONS/NOTES
Married, she uses her husband’s name socially
Mr. and Mrs. John Kelly

NOTE:
Traditionally, a man’s name preceded a woman’s on an envelope address, and his first name and surname were not separated (Jane and John Kelly). Nowadays, the order of the names—whether his name or hers comes first—does not matter and either way is acceptable. The exception is when one member of the couple “outranks” the other—the one with the higher rank is always listed first.

Married, she prefers Ms.
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Kelly
Ms. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly
*Do not link Ms. to the husband’s name:
Mr. and Ms. John Kelly is incorrect.

Married, informal address
Jane and John Kelly
John and Jane Kelly

Married, she uses her maiden name
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Johnson
Ms. Jane Johnson and Mr. John Kelly
If you can’t fit the names on one line:
Mr. John Kelly
    and Ms. Jane Johnson
Note the indent; either name may be used first.

Unmarried, living together
Mr. John Kelly and Ms. Jane Johnson
Note: Either name may be used first.

A woman who outranks her husband: elected office, military rank
The Honorable Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly
If you can’t fit both names on one line (note indent):
The Honorable Jane Kelly
    and Mr. John Kelly

A woman who outranks her husband: professional or educational degree
Dr. Jane Kelly and Mr. John Kelly

Both are doctors (PhD or medical) and use the same last name
The Doctors Kelly (omit first names)
Drs. Jane and John Kelly / Drs. John and Jane Kelly
Dr. John Kelly and Dr. Jane Kelly
Dr. Jane Kelly and Dr. John Kelly

Both are doctors (PhD or medical); she uses her maiden name
Dr. Jane Johnson and Dr. John Kelly
Dr. John Kelly and Dr. Jane Johnson

SITUATION: BUSINESS
OPTIONS/NOTES
Woman
Ms. is the default form of address, unless you know positively that a woman wishes to be addressed as Mrs.

Professional designations—use only for business
Jane Kelly, CPA
Note: Do not use Ms. or Mr. if using a professional designation. Socially, drop the professional designation and use Mr., Ms., or Mrs.: Ms. Jane Kelly.

Esquire: Attorneys and some court officials
Jane Kelly, Esquire
Note: If using Esquire, do not use Ms. or Mr. In conversation or socially, Esquire is not used; use Mr. or Ms.: Ms. Jane Kelly.

Attorney at Law
Ms. Jane Kelly
Attorney at Law
This is an alternative to
Esquire
for attorneys.
Use Mr. or Ms. and use two lines with no indent.

P
arties are as much about coordinating as they are about planning—and when all the main elements of the party are in full swing, what host hasn’t wished for more than two hands? Even the most determined do-it-yourselfer throwing the most casual of parties can benefit from a little help, if only to tidy up the mess afterward. (Wouldn’t it be nice to say good night to your last guest and
not
have to do the cleanup?)

Depending on your entertaining experience and the type of party you’re throwing, you may want to consider enlisting some help: asking a friend to serve at an informal dinner, hiring nonprofessional help to clean up, or bringing in the big guns—professional caterers, bartenders, and servers. In determining just how much help you need, consider your time, your comfort level, and your budget—and then go and create your team.

No matter who’s assisting you, it’s up to you to give clear instructions about what you want done as well as when and how to do it. Here are your four main options for getting party help:

• T
  AKE GUESTS UP ON THEIR OFFERS OF HELP.
  Have a list of tasks in mind before guests arrive. (See Can I Help?, opposite, for specifics.)
  
• E
  NLIST THE DEDICATED HELP OF A CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER.
  This is a good option when you just need an extra pair of hands. Ask early—when the party is in its planning stages, if possible. Have a few specific jobs in mind: Taking coats, passing hors d’oeuvres, filling glasses and lighting candles, delivering plated entrées to the table or helping with clearing or cleaning up. These are all things you can ask a good friend to do—as long as you don’t ask her to do too much! You still want her to feel like a guest and have plenty of time to socialize and enjoy the receiving end of your hospitality. A small gift accompanied by a note of thanks is a wonderful way to show your appreciation for her graciousness and generosity.
  
• H
  IRE A FRIEND OR NEIGHBOR’S TEEN OR A COLLEGE STUDENT TO HELP.
  This option is easy on the pocketbook, but do factor in the time you might need to show your help what you’d like them to do and how to do it. Of course, if it works out, you know you have reliable help for future parties. (See Working with Nonprofessional Help, opposite.)
  
• H
  IRE PROFESSIONALS.
  Professionals can save you time, stress, and even money. For time-stressed hosts, it may be a better value than you think—it means no shopping, no running around, no cooking, no serving, no cleaning up. Caterers come with all the equipment they need so you don’t need to rent it, clean it, or return it. Plus, you can be a guest at your own party!
  

“Can I Help?”

I
n these casual times, most guests (especially close friends) will make a genuine offer to pitch in. If you aren’t using professional help and are feeling slightly overwhelmed, by all means take your friends up on their generous offers. Here’s a list of possible light chores a guest can do without being made to feel that he’s suddenly “on staff”:

• Passing hors d’oeuvres
  
• Lighting candles
  
• Filling water glasses
  
• Opening and pouring wine
  
• Delivering plated courses to the table
  
• Bringing bread or salad to the table
  
• Helping to clear between courses (one person per six guests)
  
• Helping to serve dessert and/or coffee
  

Working with Nonprofessional Help

I
n high school, we were often the designated help at our mom’s and aunt’s dinner parties, passing hors d’oeuvres, serving and clearing the table, and doing the cleanup. It was a great way to earn extra money, and a fun way to learn about entertaining. At first we were tapped because we were family members, but word got out, and soon other people around town were asking us to help serve at their parties.

Using high school or college-age kids for basic serving and cleanup help at your party is a great resource. It’s a good idea to hire two kids (it’s more fun for them to work in tandem, and you’ll have plenty of help), and if you’re planning a large holiday party, consider hiring one or two teens and providing them with large flashlights to direct guests to parking. Here are some things to discuss with your help in advance:

• S
  ET AN HOURLY RATE
  .
  
• B
  E CLEAR ABOUT ARRIVAL TIME
  . Have the kids come over a day or two before the party to familiarize themselves with your house and to get instructions. On the day of the party, ask them to arrive an hour or two in advance to help out with the final preparations.
  
• D
  ETERMINE WHICH JOBS THEY’LL PERFORM.
  Among their possible duties: taking coats, passing hors d’oeuvres, picking up glasses and napkins, emptying bowls for pits or toothpicks, refreshing platters and bar items, and, for a dinner party, serving and clearing the table.
  
• S
  ET EXPECTATIONS FOR ATTIRE.
  This is especially important for high schoolers. Typically, servers wear black pants or skirts with a white or black shirt, and clean, appropriate shoes. (Clean black sneakers are fine.) Otherwise, ask for conservative, clean and ironed clothing.
  
• E
  STABLISH THE GROUND RULES.
  Discuss when it’s appropriate for the helpers to take a break, whether smoking is permitted, and if food will be provided. Also, let them know that they shouldn’t accept any tips from guests for services such as valet-style parking.
  

It’s important to set the tone and standards for service beforehand with professionals and nonprofessionals alike. Show them explicitly how you want things done. For example, use a tray to clear dirty napkins and empty glasses; pick glasses up by the stems or bottoms, not by sticking your fingers
in
the glasses; when serving and clearing the table leave, on the left, remove from the right (LL/RR). Show them how you want platters plated and refreshed. Depending on their experience, nonprofessionals may also need your direction during the party. You might need to remind them to refresh platters, pick up glasses, check on the status of the guest bathroom, and keep the kitchen tidy.

What Can I Expect From:

• B
  ARTENDERS:
  Bartenders mix and serve drinks and keep the bar neat and refreshed. They should arrive before the party starts to set up the bar and learn the layout of your home. For a larger party, professional bartenders will require around two hours to properly set up the bar and polish all the glasses, hide the flats, boxes, and cooler for extra ice, and make it all look neat and clean. Bartenders ordinarily don’t leave until the last guest has been ushered out and the last glass washed and put away. This may take an hour to an hour and a half, depending on how long guests linger and the scale of the party.
  
• S
  ERVERS:
  Servers arrive ahead of time to prepare platters or assist in the kitchen, and they leave after all the dishes have been washed and the kitchen and party areas are immaculate. During the party, they take coats, pass hors d’oeuvres, pick up glasses and napkins, empty ashtrays or bowls for pits or toothpicks, refill platters, refresh bar items if there’s no bartender, and serve and clear the table at a dinner party. Professionals will know exactly what to do once you show them how you want things presented and explain your timeline for the event. Beware that servers, whether professional or amateur, are not necessarily skilled at food presentation, so take the time to show them how you want trays and platters arranged, garnished, and replenished. For example, ask servers to either switch almost empty trays with fresh trays or take the almost empty trays into the kitchen to be rebuilt.
  

What can a Caterer do for You?

A
full-service caterer can work with you in several ways. She can do it all—cook, serve, and clean up for the entire event—or she can simply deliver meals or hors d’oeuvres at a specified time (which you then serve yourself). A caterer can even help you plan and manage your entire party, creating a menu that fits your budget while taking into account food allergies and preferences. In addition, she can provide professional waitstaff and make reliable recommendations for bartenders (some catering companies offer bartending service) and other vendors such as wine retailers, rental companies, or florists.

When is a Caterer a Must?

I
n truth, there’s no set rule. Some people hire caterers to prepare elegant dinners for four; others wouldn’t think of hiring a caterer for fewer than fifty guests. If you feel you don’t have the time or the skill to pull off
any
size party—and the party has to be perfect—catering is the way to go.

Finding and Hiring a Caterer

T
he best way may be firsthand experience: If you go to a party where the catering is outstanding, get the caterer’s card for future reference and keep it in your resource file. Another good way to find a caterer is through word-of-mouth recommendations. A catchy ad with a great photo is no substitute for a rave review from a friend. Was the food delicious? Did everything go as planned? Was everything attractively presented and appealing? Was the staff helpful, pleasant, and efficient? Were they on budget?

You’ll want to hire your caterer
at least
four weeks before your event. Count on an even greater lead time during the holidays or busy times of year like wedding season. In fact, don’t even send out invitations until you’re sure you have the help you need.

Meeting with the Caterer: Be Prepared

S
tart off on the right foot by being organized and clear. Before the meeting, do some homework. Don’t worry if some of the details are sketchy—the caterer will help you round out your plan or suggest alternatives to meet your budget. Go to your first meeting with:

• A clear idea of your budget
  
• The number of guests you wish to invite
  
• A preliminary plan for your event:
  
  • the purpose or theme
    
  • the time of day
    
  • the style: casual or formal
    
  • brunch, lunch, tea, cocktails, dinner
    
  • stations or passed hors d’oeuvres
    
  • buffet or sit-down meal
    
• A list of food allergies or special dietary needs and any special food requests
  

At the meeting, discuss the type of help, equipment, or supplies you’ll need at your party, the menu, and the contract.

Staff and supplies.
Depending on the type and size of your party, your caterer may recommend cooks, servers, bartenders, and possibly a captain (the head server or a “director” for the evening who oversees the staff). Be sure to mention if you have other staff needs, such as valet parkers, too. Discuss what equipment and supplies you might require, like extra dishes, glasses, utensils, serving dishes and utensils, trays, and linens. Do you need a grill, a tent, an outdoor heater, or a portable oven? As you develop your party plans and your menu, the caterer will be doing a cross-check of what you have and what she needs to supply.

Choosing your menu.
Now for the fun part! It’s easy to go overboard with all the tempting choices of hors d’oeuvres, entrées, sides, and desserts, but a good caterer will be able to gauge just how much food you’ll need and help you build an interesting and balanced menu—one that also meets your budget. Always ask to set up a food tasting to narrow your selections.