Enjoying Trouble (Trouble #3) (4 page)

I looked back over to Janey’s spot to see she had disappeared again.

“I’ll be around here,” I shouted back, wanting to watch the band.

She nodded and was gone. I watched the band deliver their set with balls and took in the excitement around me. There was nothing better than a metal festival in the hot sun, knowing the night would get even better. I cleared my mind of girls, mainly Janey and soaked the music in.

It wasn’t long before I met up with the others again after the band finished and we decided to go and get some food. Zac, Noah and I went to go and get food, while Ava and Ivy sat on a patch of grass and waited. After lining up for ages, I bought two burgers, just in case Janey had returned to the group. If she hadn’t, I’d eat both. As we walked back to the spot where we had left the girls, I noticed Janey sitting beside Ava. They all looked up as we reached them and I wordlessly passed Janey her burger, knowing it was one of her favourites: extra cheese, no sauce and extra pickles, if they had them. She took it from me and stared at it for a moment while I sat across from them. I started to dig into mine, suddenly starving.

“Thanks,” said Janey, glancing over at me.

I nodded, with my mouth full. It wasn’t a big deal. She needed to eat more, a guy liked something to grab onto. Not that it would be me anytime soon, unfortunately.

Janey

He had thought of me.

I usually lived in a sea of hopelessness, barely keeping my head above water but there were times when I was pulled out onto dry land. In those times, Will was always involved. Now was one of those times, with his simple and thoughtful gesture like buying my favourite burger. We hadn’t said a word to each other in weeks. I was clearly hurting him with my new life, but he had still thought of me at the burger stand.

I felt my emotions stir inside me, bringing with them pain and want. I wanted to curl up and sob into the grass. Or jump his bones. But I did neither, instead taking a bite of my burger and watching him hungrily eat his. He never did anything by halves, even food. He was a big, hungry guy with a large appetite for everything.

It used to be me.

But I put a stop to that.

I missed him in his entirety, every hair on his head, every bit of ink, the twinkle of mischief in his eyes. I missed how he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before hungrily eating more of his burger. Every nuance.

Everything.

When I saw him kissing his skank earlier on, I had to stop myself from storming over there and ripping her from his arms. My therapist had told me I was impulsive and it was my downfall in certain situations. I had to remember to take a deep breath and try and look at the situation from a different perspective, from a different set of eyes. But no matter how I looked at it, it was still my Will kissing someone else. It still mutilated my heart. I was keeping him at a distance for the survival of us both and in turn, suffering every agonizing moment as the distance increased between us.

I knew he would have had a revolving door of girls while I had been gone; he was just too full of sexual magnetism for it to be any different. He had tried to contact me during rehab, but I never returned his calls. He had tried to visit, but they wouldn’t let him see me, as per my forced instructions. Whether it was best for him or not, I knew I was the worst person alive to do this to him. He deserved so much more than me. I had stopped our new relationship without any warning and had left him with unanswered questions. For months. To him, our future had looked bright, but I knew it wouldn’t last, not with my state of mind.

Once I got out of rehab and he realised I was still keeping my distance and leaving his questions unanswered, he left me alone. He stopped calling me, even though I had kept every single one of his voicemails over the months. On my darkest nights, I would listen to his voice, over and over again, wishing for a different life.

I listened to the group talk and laugh around me, feeling like the outsider I had become. Rehab had driven a wedge between myself and everyone else. I was meant to come out a changed person, more level-headed, a better version of myself. The expectation of that alone was too much and that was the main reason I had left early. I had learnt through my grilling therapy sessions that I was basically a pain in the ass to everyone. Everything I did had an impact on the group; they wanted me to be different but I still had no idea on who I was meant to be. I was just trying my hardest not to suck the positive energy from them all.

I had come home to Ava wearing a diamond ring and a usually moody, hardcore brother looking intensely happy all the freaking time. We had a gorgeous new addition to the group called Ivy, who Noah was completely and utterly in love with. Things had moved on while I was gone and I was trying to get my footing back on the edge of the cliff that I usually balanced myself on. My Will looked the same, even more gorgeous after being away from him, but he seemed more jaded now. I knew it was from me. I had hurt him.

I was a horrible person.

I would never have another Will; no other guy in his right mind would have put up with me for so long. I always pushed the boundaries, until they burned in my own bonfire of madness. Will probably deserved the girl he had been feasting on earlier. She could give him everything but the headfuck. I watched him finish his food and laugh at something with Zac beside him. One of those hearty laughs he did, that made all those muscles move. I had watched girls eye him all day long. He was a mighty force to be reckoned with.

And he was no longer mine.

I lost my appetite half way through the burger.

Of course he noticed straight away, even through the laughter and banter with the guys. His hand went out to me and I placed the burger in it, doing our usual thing where he finished my food. Something had to feed the wild solid beast within him. But this time, he unwrapped it a little more and then passed it back. He wanted me to eat more and the dare in his eyes proved it as he pierced me with them. Laughter went on around us, while we silently locked eyes. I wanted to make him mad. I liked doing it, even though I knew I shouldn’t. Part of my therapy was to stop making people mad, but I used to enjoy making Will mad. I used to revel in the fact that I could always reduce the big six foot of muscle to a crazy madness. It was why we were so good in bed together.

Bed with Will.

Sex with Will.

Will.

              More things I had sustained from since getting out, and it hurt like hell. The night I re-appeared back into his life at the penthouse was a silent fuck you to his mother. I needed to see him, be with him and soak up the amazingness of him. I was planning on taking a chance to rekindle whatever we had together, but I had found myself in the middle of a kidnapping situation with Ivy and went along to save her with the group. She had been kidnapped and taken to her father’s house, the same place where Melbourne’s elite were attending a wine auction that night. I saw Will’s mother within the first few minutes of getting inside. I knew I had been tempting fate just being there with Will that night. I hadn’t thought she had seen me until much later, once the auction had dispersed, I received a text message from an unknown number.

Unknown:
Let’s consider this your final warning…

It was then that I knew, no matter what my heart desired; I had to give him up.

I looked down at the burger in my hand and then at Will. I silently refused to take another bite, taunting him, just like I had done for years. His eyes narrowed, warning me to comply with him. I wanted to laugh wickedly, knowing that his look had never worked, unless it was to get me naked and under him. He knew that if someone wanted something from me, I would always take the opposite path. I was just wired that way and he used to like it.

I gave a slow shake of my head, my eyes still on him, the conversation going on around us. The corner of his mouth moved slightly, as did mine as we both forgot ourselves for a moment and started to grin. I was daring him to force me to eat it, playing our game, seeing who would give up first. He never gave up and neither did I. It was why we were so explosive together. I felt our connection, not only with our eyes but the emotional ties we had for each other. I was the centre of his focus; I felt wanted and attractive again. I started to feel the excitement of being his Janey again.

Until his eyes were no longer connected to mine.

His grin suddenly faded and his eyes just moved away. I felt the change like a sudden cold wind. He had given up. Just like that. He joined the conversation with the rest of the group, like I suddenly didn’t exist. The pain was instant, slicing into me like a hot searing knife. I was left still holding the burger, now cold and unappetising. Just like he obviously thought I was. Unappetising and not worth it anymore..

A cup of beer appeared in front of my face and I turned to see Ivy passing them out. I focused on the froth that had spilt over the sides and then shook my head at Ivy. She obviously hadn’t received the “Janey’s not drinking” memo. I glanced back to Will, hiding the misery from my eyes. He would feel like this all the time soon. He would move on completely and another girl would make him feel alive and horny. I would be a distant memory, relegated to friend status for the rest of my life. I dropped the burger to the floor and stood up, spilling some beer in the centre of the group. I had to get away; it just hurt too much to stay. I walked away, having no idea of the direction I was going; I just needed to be away from all of them.

Will

I watched Janey walk away and then took another sip of my beer.

“Are you going after her?” asked Ava.

“No,” I said gruffly, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

“She’s not Will’s responsibility anymore,” said Zac, lighting up a cigarette.

No-one else said anything as his words settled over the group like a heavy cloud. She wasn’t. We were no longer together; she had put an end to all of that. Zac could see what she was doing and knew how I felt. We didn’t need to have a heart-to-heart together to figure it out. He was giving me a free pass - to stop worrying about her.
He
would always have that job because she was his sister. I was now just a friend again. Actually, I don’t think she even wanted that anymore.

“But she’s not right,” said Ava.

“Coming out of therapy too fucking early will do that,” murmured Zac.

“I have no idea at what stage she thought keeping Will at a distance would help her,” said Noah, also lighting a cigarette.

I let out a sigh and said, “It’s obviously what she thinks she needs. I’m not going to beg. It is what it is.”

“But she’s so unhappy,” said Ava.

“She’s come back to you and Zac being all fucking loved up, Noah and Ivy breathing the same air twenty-four-fucking-seven. It must suck balls to be so fucking unhappy and be around a group that has moved on without her, suffocating her with their own happiness.”

“Tell us how you really feel,” laughed Noah.

“Hey, I’m all for the loved up. I’m just giving you her perspective,” I returned with a shrug.

“But she loves you,” said Ava.

I shrugged and said, “And I love her. Doesn’t mean shit right now, though and we all have to accept it.”

“Did you just say the love word?” asked Ivy with a wink.

I smiled and shook my head. “Yeah, but don’t get used to it. It was a one-time thing.”

“I think her life starts and ends with you,” said Ivy softly, looking over to me again. “Anyone can see that, but she needs time and space to figure it all out.”

I secretly agreed with her but wasn’t planning on sharing any more of my thoughts. “Or you’re all so fucking loved up, living in rainbows and riding unicorns that you can’t see through your own love haze.”

Ivy saw right through me and smiled knowingly. “But unicorns are real, Will.”

I motioned to my forehead and stuck my finger out. “Your boyfriend is definitely a unicorn.”

Noah lunged for me and I got up and walked off, laughing. Time to see another band and get sweaty in the mosh pit.

Janey

Night had fallen and the last bands were playing their sets. It had been an awesome day for everyone. Revellers around me were happy and exhausted but still having a wild time. I was on my fifth soft drink for the day, by one of the bars, sharing some laughs with Ava and Ivy. I hadn’t seen Will in at least two hours and wondered if he had found another girl to play some tonsil hockey with. The girls hadn’t brought him up in conversation and I didn’t know if it was deliberate or not. I had actually enjoyed being with them both and realised how much I needed to have a laugh. For just a moment, I could see a flash of what life could be like sometimes. Easy conversation and a few giggles revealed a truly missed friendship with the girls. I desperately tried to hold on to the feeling before it disappeared because these moments never lasted long. My unease and darkness would soon shroud the happiness, pulling me down to the unhappy place I clearly belonged in. I would always be the unhappy weird chick in the equation. But maybe this was it? Maybe these small moments in time were the only happy fragments of life. I could be searching too hard for the ever elusive happy destination. Maybe I just had to enjoy them before the dark hands of my consciousness pulled me back under. I let out a resigned sigh and looked around, I needed to just let all my thoughts go and just be. I made myself mad inside with the constant drivel of my mind; I needed to close it down, to just enjoy the moment, for however long it lasted.