Everything She Needs (The Everything Trilogy) (20 page)

“They were
? What part was amazing, when you got to finally fuck me again or the part where you left me to call your girl?” I spat loudly, not caring who heard me.

“Who is she, Alfie? You thought I didn’t know about her, didn’t you?
” His eyes searched mine. My eyes glanced over his face, breaking his stare, trying to look for the answer to something I’ve been wanting to know for two months now.

“She’s important. She needs me more right now. Nothing can come between her and me.”

His words hit me like a knife in my gut, hearing his admission of what she meant to him. Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked hard, willing them to stay back.

I stood up and began to walk to the door. “Thank you. Now I know. I feel sorry for her Alfie.  Poor girl, being with me is your way of not allowing anything to come between the both of you? You cheated on her with me, how is that not going to come between you?
”

Alfie shook his head and pushed himself off of the couch. “I’m not sleeping with her Lily.”

I came to a sudden halt and spun to face him again.

“I’m not having sex with her.” I walked around the breakfast bar to the kitchen and slumped against the counter for support. I wasn’t sure whether to feel better or worse that
he wasn’t having sex with her.

On the one hand it made me feel that what we did was closer to normal, than if he had been sleeping with both of us at the same time. On the other
hand, I felt perhaps I was being used to fill a gap in his relationship with Kara.

“So I’m the sex in your relationship with your girl, because she won’t put out?” I was almost hysterical by now, my shrill voice getting louder as my fists clenched, my nails digging into my palm
s.

“I’ve never had sex with Kara
,” he stated quietly, “It isn’t like that, but she needs me. I can’t commit to anything with anyone else because she has to come first.” I had no clue what in the hell he was talking about, but one thing was clear to me, she was always going to take precedence over me.

“Do you love her, Alfie?”

He nodded. “Of course I love her. She’s an amazing person.”

I sighed
. “Hmm, you said that about me. So do you love me too?” Alfie ran his hand through his hair, and his face looked pained. He was uncomfortable with my question and put it back to me.

“What do you think? Do you love me?”

I laughed forcibly at him. “No! I asked you, you don’t get to turn the question back on me,” I hissed, turning to open the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water. I thought about offering him one but decided I wasn’t in the mood to meet Alfie’s needs on any level.

He squirmed around on the
couch, his eyes welled up with tears. It shocked me.

He sighed, and rubbed his hands up and down his thighs as if he was nervous, or as if he was formulating a sentence before
verbalizing it.

“Can you come over here?” He patted the couch, his eyes pleading with me.

“No,” I hissed, “I don’t want you to touch me.”

He sighed again, and spoke softly
. “Then I can’t answer your question,” he said dryly.

I pulled the pony holder out of my hair and shook it out. “Is this another one of your mind games Alfie…
”

He cut me off, and put his hand up to signal me not to continue talking “No! It isn’t, you asked me a question. I don’t want to answer you with a fucking kitchen counter between us
. If you want me to speak to you, you’ll come and sit down like a normal adult and stop fucking running away,” he scowled, his voice sounding angrier than I’d ever heard him.

I turned on the faucet and drew my hand under the cool water, turned it off and dried it, stalling for time whilst I considered whether I should risk sitting near him. I wasn’t sure whether it was that, or
whether I was scared to hear what he was about to say.

I took a deep breath and walked slowly over to where he was sitting. Alfie’s eyes followed me.  A small half smile curved his lips. “Thank you
,” he almost whispered.

We both looked at each other, which quickly turned into a gaze, the silence between us holding our future in whatever he said next. “I
shouldn’t, but yes,” he commented, but I wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

“You shouldn’t love her?”

I was confused, and my eyes searched his, but when I stared at his beautiful face, I couldn’t stand it, depending on what he said next, this might be the last time we were this close.

His index finger reached out and stroked my pinkie finger. He leaned
forward, his voice almost a whisper. “I didn’t want to tell you this way. I wanted it to be different.” I felt panicked. I didn’t want him to say any more.

I didn’t want him telling me that this was it
, he was hers, and he was sorry. Tears welled and fell onto my jeans making the material instantly darker. I lifted my hand, but before I could reach my face to wipe it, he caught my wrist, and leaned over to kiss the tear that was running down my cheek.

I crumbled and somehow became enveloped in his arms and held on tightly as I melded into his chest. “Shush.” He kissed my forehead. I tried to push myself away, but he held me tighter to him.

“Look, I’m going to take care of you, then I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen. When I’m done, whatever you say, I’ll respect, I give you my word this time.” I looked up at his worried face, and the look of concern he had for me made me feel a little less angry.

“Wait here
,” he commanded. He left the room and went into my bedroom. I heard the faucet in my bathtub running, then he came back took me by the hand and led me to the bathroom.

“Get in and soak, I’ll wait in the other room.” He left me, and I caught sight of myself in the mirror and was horrified at how distraught I looked.

I slowly stripped off my clothes and stepped into the warm bath. The water was perfect, and I lay back trying to forget that Alfie was sitting feet away from me. The bath did nothing for me except make me clean; it didn’t sooth me. I was scared to go back to face whatever the truth was going to be.

I stepped out and dried myself, pulling on my white towelling bathrobe, and stood facing the bathroom door. It wasn’t the end of the world what was on the other side, but for me; to lose Alfie, it might as well be.

I cracked the door open, and he was sitting on the corner edge of my bed. His legs open, leaning forward, his hands hanging down between his legs. His head looked as if he were looking down at them.

When he heard me, his head snapped up
, and he began to stand. “C’mere. Lie down,” he cooed and guided me by the elbows. I was exhausted.  Both from the shock of him being there and what he’d said already; the wine at Mandy’s place hadn’t helped either.

I crawled onto the bed and lay down, my legs slightly curled up. I glanced over at him
, and he was looking intensely at me. “Okay, say whatever you want, I’m done talking.” I sounded shattered, which was exactly how I felt.

Alfie rubbed his hands together. They made a swishing noise as he did this. He wrung them together. He inhaled deeply and exhaled with equal force.

“I’m so sorry for what happened in London. I should never have left the room, but I panicked. I want to tell you something, and it may take a while. When I’m done, you’ll have to decide what happens next.” I closed my eyes, I didn’t want Alfie to see my reaction to what he was about to tell me.

“When I first saw you Lily, I couldn’t stop staring at you. You didn’t see me at all. You walked past me, you’re cute little face smiling up at the sun
, and I knew there and then, I had to have you. I’ve never had a reaction to anyone like the one I had when I first laid my eyes on you.”

My eyes were still closed. He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know already. He had asked me to be his
‘fuck buddy.’ “Did you think sitting in front of me on the lawn was the first time I saw you?” My eyes flicked open, and he smiled shaking his head. “I was leaving that day, when you arrived in the parking lot. I had to find out who you were, so I followed you back to the registrar’s office.  When I heard you getting directions to the canteen for the meet-and-greet, I strategically placed myself so that you would walk past me.”  I was dazed and confused to hear this, nothing was as it seemed that day.

“If you felt like that about me, why
didn’t you let Kara go? Why put me through all the shit if you wanted me? You didn’t want to know who I was.  You just wanted to have sex with me. Well Alfie you got what you wanted, so well done, your plan out worked for you.”

I closed my eyes again. “Are you going to let me speak or are you going to constantly interrupt me to rant at me. I thought we’d already established that I was a first
-class bastard already.” Alfie retorted.  I sighed, but didn’t move, still lying on the bed. “Look at me,” he instructed me. I kept my eyes closed.

He exhaled blowing out between his lips. “You asked if I loved you. I do. I was going to tell you on New Year’s morning in London.”

My eyes flew open again, tears dropping onto my pillow, but I still didn’t move. He continued, “I was being honest when I said I can’t love you. What I meant was I’m not in the position to love you the way you deserve to be loved.  I can’t commit to you the way you deserve, and I won’t pretend it could be any other way.”

I whispered, “Because of
Kara.”  Alfie looked pained, his eyes closed and he nodded, swallowing hard.  His jaw clenched as he struggled with whatever he was going to say next.

“Kara
needs me, Lily. I can’t let anything or anyone get in the way of that.”

I felt weary
. “This is getting boring, Alfie. You said this before. Why? Who is she?” He ran his hand through his hair and stood up, then sat nearer me.

“Sit up
,” he said, pulling me up.

I scooted up against the headboard. “What I am about to say
… I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this…” He swallowed and closed his eyes. He was scaring me. I sat quietly letting him pull together whatever he was going to say.

“
Kara is my best friend’s girlfriend… was my best friend’s girlfriend.”

I smirked at him
. “She left him for you, and now you don’t think you can leave her because of it?”

He shook his head
. “You really think so little of me, don’t you?” He looked sadly at me, his mouth stretched into a line.

“Gary was my best friend all through high school
; he was a hero. When I started college, he signed on for duty and was deployed overseas with the US Army. He was on patrol during one of the conflicts. He was only two days out from finishing his tour of duty when the vehicle he was traveling in ran over a land mine. He was killed instantly.”

He closed his eyes as he took a minute to think. I sat silently too, but I couldn’t see what this had to do with us. My voice broke the silence softly.

“So you’re helping his girlfriend? That’s commendable, but why the secrecy?  She isn’t your responsibility, unless you took up with her, either when he was away or since he died, maybe?”

He looked annoyed with me
. “If only it was that simple.” He smirked, then leaned forward and tucked my hair behind my ear.

I shivered
. “Don’t touch my hair, Alfie,” I said deadpan. He swallowed and held my gaze, then leaned back on one arm on the bed, letting his other hand run over his firm torso, smoothing his t-shirt down.

He glanced at my bedside table
. “Mind if I have some of your water,” he asked, leaning across and picking up the half-empty water bottle I had left there on my way to the bathroom earlier.

He opened the bottle, placed it to his mouth and took a long draw from it. It was almost empty when he pulled it away from his mouth. He replaced the white top on the bottle and set it back down again, before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“The next part is for your ears only. Kara and Poppy’s lives depend on it.” His eyes flicked to mine, his face looked as if he was still struggling that he was going to actually tell me.

“
You need to swear never to speak to anyone about it.”

I stared at him.
“Really?” I sounded ticked at him, but when I saw how serious his face was, I realized how childish I sounded. I twisted my mouth at him and nodded obediently.

“Kara
was Gary’s sweetheart since high school. They were planning on marrying in a couple of years. They lived together off base on the other side of town. When Gary died, Kara wasn’t taken care of by the Army.  She wasn’t a wife or a fiancée.”  Alfie stared at me, but I don’t think it was registering that he was looking at me. He was absorbed in his thoughts for that moment.

“She’s estranged from her parents, Lily. She left home at eighteen against their wishes to live with Gary. After he died
, I took her back to see them; she was a fucking mess. They opened the door, took one look at her, and closed it again. I’ll never understand how a parent could do that to their child,” he said shaking his head, sadly.