Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (4 page)

Actors – when reading to your children at night, always imagine you are auditioning for them. They could grow up to be casting directors, dear.

Getting Your Own Auditions

What if you don’t get an audition through your agent? Or worse still – what if you don’t have an agent? What to do? Well, when this happens you usually have two options. One: admit defeat. Two: get in contact yourself. Some agents are not fans of their clients trying to get an audition themselves, but it has worked in the past for actors I know. You
just have to be very professional in the way you do it. One email, or letter, clearly stating what part you are interested in, is enough. If you want to include gift vouchers, expensive organic chocolates or Dom – then this helps. However, never pester the casting director more than once, as this can result in your untimely death.

Another way of finding out about castings is by hanging around some of the trendy ‘actor’ clubs in town like The Groucho, Soho House or The Ivy. If you can’t afford the expensive membership fees, befriend a member of the club and go as a guest, or climb in via the fire escape. Once inside, put on a nice tight T-shirt, and do a little bit of detective work to track down the important people. If you don’t know what the ‘important’ people look like, you can always sniff them out. Important theatre people have two smells: sweet and powerful (think cinnamon, leather and dark chocolate); and old and musty (think Lloyd Webber’s underwear). However, if you go as a guest you can avoid the ‘sniffing’ by asking your host to introduce you to the important people. If you are lucky enough to meet, say, a director, you must always try and remain calm. Sweating, shaking or vomiting is to be avoided. Particularly if the director is wearing a nice suit from M&S.

If you are speaking to a director at a social event, just chat to them like you would to anyone else. Mention that you’re an actor only
once
, at the beginning of the conversation, but that’s it. Never revert back to the fact that you are an actor again. Always ask them how they are, what they are doing, what television programmes they like, and what they think of Denise Welch and Russell Crowe. This will get them speaking to you on a one-to-one level, and start to feel relaxed around you. At this stage I recommend buying them several drinks and getting them savagely sloshed. By the time they sober up you’ll have all their contact details and some very embarrassing photos of them. You are sure to get an audition now, dear.

Good Audition Tips

In your audition you should aim to be professional at all times. But whilst being professional, never change who you are. You have been brought into the room because the casting director wants to see you – so already they are interested. Let this give you confidence. It may also be useful to try and not imagine it as an audition. Imagine that you are going into a room to explore a character – it is a chance to be creative and offer something original and unique to the panel. If you go in there feeling like you are a good actor who wants to show their craft, as opposed to a person going in to audition against a load of other actors, you may find the whole thing more enjoyable. However, if all this sounds too much like hard work, have a swig of vodka.

Body Contact

Should you shake my hand when you enter? I honestly don’t mind if you do, but please make sure that your hand has been recently cleaned. I appreciate that many actors get nervous and go to the toilet directly before auditioning, but I’m not always sure if they’ve washed their hands afterwards. I’m not a massive fan of body contact anyway, and the thought of shaking a toilet-infected hand makes me want to hug my Jean Valjean teddy. I shall start asking all actors to sanitise their hands when they enter the audition room. That way everyone involved can feel relaxed that hands are bacteria-free. This is the reason I now wear gloves whenever I’m in public. It makes everything much more hygienic. And makes me feel like the Queen, dear.

You should
never
attempt to kiss anyone on the audition panel – unless they go to kiss you first. If this happens, you are legally obliged to follow through and kiss them back. However, you must never, ever stick your tongue in. This smacks of overenthusiasm and can leave a bitter taste in the mouth. Particularly if you’ve been eating cheese and onion crisps.

The same applies with a hug. If a casting director goes to hug you, you must politely comply. Even if they smell of wee and mothballs. There is an unwritten theatrical law which states that actors should always be prepared to hug, fondle or gently caress casting directors if they really want the job. If you are extra lucky you may even be offered a ‘happy ending’. Or, even worse, an unhappy ending.

Illness

At the beginning of your audition, please don’t tell the panel that you’re ill. Unless they can actually see a flesh wound, or you have a valid doctor’s note, they will presume you felt underprepared and are lying. It’s not good enough. We had an actor in last year who looked as pale as one of those
Twilight
actors – but when he started singing he sweated and his white make-up started falling off his face. Michael Ball has thankfully never tried that since. However, if you are genuinely ill then it’s your own fault. You’re an actor – you’re not allowed to get ill.

Enthusiasm

I always like to remind actors not to seem overly keen. Enthusiasm is a great thing, and is what drives us to be the best at what we do. But overenthusiasm is a killer. It makes actors seem desperate and weak. Having a constant fake smile is never a good sign. I can appreciate good teeth, but when you audition for me, chances are we are not casting for the new Colgate campaign. I say ‘just be yourself’. Be interested and professional, but not keen and needy. I find it ridiculous when actors constantly smile through their songs. Think about the character. If you are singing ‘Javert’s Suicide’ it really isn’t helpful to see your lovely white veneers, dear.

Standing

It can be very embarrassing if you stand in the wrong place and look uncomfortable. I suggest you stand facing the audition panel (i.e. not with your back to them). Make sure you aren’t too close, but if you suffer from halitosis or tend to dribble then it’s a good idea to stand even further back. Make sure you feel nice and relaxed before you start to perform, because if you look nervous, you sound nervous.

Excessive vibrato does not hide bad singing, dear.

The Singing Audition

Before you start singing, remember that you have to be in character from the beginning. When you hear the pianist playing those ominous first notes, your performance has begun. Never spend the song’s intro smiling at the panel like you are a Barry Manilow impersonator, and don’t start doing bizarre yoga stretches. If in doubt, take the ‘neutral vacant-stare pose’ that actors are very good at. It makes you look harmless, vulnerable and dull all at the same time. Which is exactly the kind of actor that directors like to work with.

As a general rule, when we ask you to sing we don’t want a piece of tightly rehearsed choreography to go along with it. We just want to hear your voice. Invariably the dancing will just distract and you’ll end up looking like an inferior Strallen sister. We had an actor audition recently who did some marvellous split jumps and ball-changes, but was so out of breath by the chorus he couldn’t sing. And, to be honest, the choreography didn’t really go with ‘Memory’ anyway, dear.

If I want you to give me eye contact when you are singing, I will ask. But if I do, please don’t think that means you
should wink at me in any part of your song. Winking will result in one thing – me drawing a naughty body part all over your headshot.

I often hear actors moaning about what the panel are doing when they sing. I try and remain as attentive as I can, but like anyone, I get distracted. If you perform a song like ‘Corner of the Sky’ that I have heard fifteen times that day, I am going to reach for my iPhone and start playing Angry Birds. I’m not being rude – I’m just saving my sanity. If you sing a song really well, and I think you show a lot of potential, I will usually watch you for a while, and then finish drawing a picture of Sarah Brightman on my notepad. I rarely make notes about what you sing; I tend to see who you remind me of – and that’s what I write. If you remind me of someone like Colm Wilkinson or Jonathan Pryce then you get a recall. But if you remind me of Amanda Holden then you’re doomed to be working front of house for another year.

There has always been a misconception about what it means if we ask you to sing a second song. To be honest, it depends. If we are bored with your first song but think you looked right and sounded good, we won’t bother asking you to sing again, we’ll just recall you. If your first song was fine, but didn’t show the range we want, we’ll ask you to sing again. And if your first song was really bad, we’ll ask you to do another one just to keep us amused. One of my casting directors is terrible – he always asks the boys he fancies to sing two songs, just so he can drool a little longer. I’ve told him to stop doing this, but bless him, it’s one of the only kicks he gets these days.

There’s nothing as upsetting as a half-hearted ball-change, dear.