Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (8 page)

A serious actor has to approach acting in a serious way. This can be achieved by using various methods. One of the easiest ways is by not smiling – particularly if you don’t have good teeth. A serious actor should always save his smile for special occasions. However, this does not mean you can’t smirk. Smirking and smiling are two very different things indeed.

You should adopt an expression that makes you look permanently interested, as though you are always considering something. This will give everyone the impression you are constantly thinking about something to do with the play – when in fact you are just considering whether to have a kebab on your way home.

When speaking to other actors or the director, the serious actor will always speak slowly and take lots of pauses. Never be ashamed of pauses – they make you appear strong. In fact, sometimes it is rather fun to see how long you can get away with a pause – by pretending that you are searching for a specific word. Always maintain eye contact and use long and complicated words. Examples of impressive words to use are: ‘characterisation’, ‘development’, ‘historically’, ‘gonorrhoea’, ‘establishment’, ‘accurate’, ‘nautical’ and ‘hummus’. Of course, you will never be expected to use all of these words in the same sentence, but it is amazing how you can make anything sound intriguing: ‘My development of gonorrhoea in the characterisation with regards to the establishment is not historically accurate, particularly when the play is nautical. Hummus, anyone?’

A cleft in the chin can also be very useful as it makes you look like a relative of Kirk Douglas. And he is marvellous.

Acting is the art of reacting. So make sure you do a lot of it, dear.

Actors – taking long pauses during your speech does not make it better. It just makes it longer, dear.

Acting Through Song

Singing is hard enough on its own, but sometimes you will be asked to act at the same time. Many people don’t believe that singing and acting should be attempted simultaneously but it is very popular with audiences at present, and producers are prepared to pay the big bucks for it. If you are a performer who can act, dance and sing you could be earning as much as Equity minimum, which is around £420 a week on tour (plus £210 subsistence). If you are in the West End we are forced to pay you even more – approximately £510 in the small West End theatres (more in larger houses). Which is a huge amount of money. Particularly for someone who went to drama school for three years, is classed as a skilled professional, and has a family and mortgage to pay for. However, many unfortunate actors never make it to this prestigious position – and spend their lives claiming squatters’ rights in English Heritage properties whilst performing in profit-share productions.

The first thing to do when tackling a song is to learn the correct tune. Look at the sheet music, follow the dots, and sing
exactly
what is written. Look at the punctuation of the lyrics, and treat them as if they are a speech. Think about the character’s situation, who they are singing to, and what effect they are trying to convey. Another very useful tool is to think about breathing. It is no good singing the entire song on one breath as this will result in death. So go through the song and mark on the sheet music the best times to breathe. Make sure your breath doesn’t come in the middle of important phrases and split up the journey of the song.

Always be aware of your eyebrows. Frequently I see overactive eyebrows ruin a beautiful performance. Eyebrows are tools used to shield the eyes from sweat and rain. They are not an acting tool – unless you are John Barrowman. If your eyebrows have a habit of uncontrollably moving up and down when you sing, the best thing to do is to staple them in place. However, if you can’t tolerate this kind of pain then you should just sing in front of a mirror. Every time your
eyebrows make an involuntary movement, stop singing and try that section again – until your eyebrows settle down. Once you achieve ‘eyebrow peace’, the number of castings you get will double.

Some songs are sung directly to the audience – a solo song – where the character is left on stage to sing through their thoughts. Examples of this kind of song are: ‘On My Own’, ‘Starlight Express’ and ‘Gangnam Style’. These songs typically require more concentration – as you have to master the ‘staring vacantly out front’ technique. This technique is very valuable in both solo songs and when performing with actors who are crap (craptors, see The Actors’ Alphabet) – indeed, this technique will prove a valuable tool in all future work you do.

All you need to do is allow your eyes to glaze over, and stare directly out front as you sing. The odd eye movement is an interesting little bonus – I suggest looking to the upper circle in wonderment a couple of times, and then back down. Halfway through the song I recommend a small hand gesture. In fact, if you are feeling extra brave and fancy being nominated for an Olivier Award, you can attempt the ‘Evita double-hand stretch’. However, this should only be used on special occasions as it is exhausting. There will obviously come a key change towards the end of the song, which is when you should take two or three steps forward, being careful not to fall into the orchestra pit. On the last line of the song look pleadingly around the auditorium and, if on the final note you can bite your tongue and make yourself cry, you will be heavily praised. And it’s a simple as that.

Of course, if you can’t be bothered to do any of the above just listen to the CD and copy it.

When singing high notes it should feel free and easy. You generally know you’ve done something wrong if you shit yourself, dear.

Accents

Often in acting jobs you will be required not only to talk, but also to do it in a funny voice (or ‘accent’ as it is known in the trade). An accent is the way someone talks from a specific part of the world – and if you are very good at them you can get yourself a lot of work. However, if you can’t do accents you can just cultivate your own voice until it is so distinctive it becomes an accent in its own right. Take Alan Rickman and Judi Dench – the only accent they ever do is their own. And quite right too, dear.