Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (11 page)

We recently auditioned a girl who said she was a triple threat. The only thing threatening about her was the size of her teeth, dear.

To Be a Leading Actor, or Not to Be a Leading Actor – That is the Question

As mentioned earlier, deciding what kind of roles you want to play is very important. Many actors will only accept ‘leading roles’ so that they continue being known as a ‘leading actor’, whilst other actors are happy to get two solo lines in an entire show. It all depends what kind of an actor you see yourself as.

Many people argue that there are no leading actors, that in fact the company as a
whole
are the leading actors. Whilst this is a very nice, idealistic vision of theatre, it is sadly not how it works. Every show has a lead, a supporting actor and an ensemble. Many times it is the lead who the audience are going to watch – and you will notice that even if a show is supposed to be an ‘ensemble’ piece, the lead’s name and photo will be on all the marketing and PR material. So, of course, they are then ‘looked on’ as being the leads.

Different Types of Actors

A
leading actor
will have the most lines and usually the play/show will be based around their character. As a rule they will have been cast before anyone else is auditioned – just so that everyone ‘works’ around them. Although they are playing the most significant role in the show, they may not be the best-qualified person to do it. But they will have excellent ‘bums on seats’ value – making them hugely attractive to production companies and investors.

A
supporting actor
will have quite a few lines, but substantially less than the lead. They will usually be in a couple of scenes, and help move the story along. A supporting actor will have some nice TV credits and/or some lovely theatre roles on their CV. These actors will have slight ‘bums on seats’ value – and will be vaguely recognisable from
Heartbeat
.

An
ensemble actor
will be one of the most talented in the company. They will not only be playing a small role in the show, but will be understudying the leading actors. They will also be integral in all the dance numbers, and their singing voices will be what makes the numbers sound so wonderful. They will be singing all the difficult harmony lines, and dancing the hardest choreography. They will also be on the least amount of money – which is why I can always afford more of them.

That old saying ‘There are no small parts only small actors’ is a complete lie. Of course there are small parts. I pay them a lot less, dear.

Animal Actors

There are many plays and films that require animal actors. And, whilst many modern films use CGI effects, in theatre particularly there has always been a demand for
real
animals. For example, both
Annie
and
The Wizard of Oz
require dogs. I hear that Andrew Lloyd Webber has always planned to do a production of
Cats
with a real feline cast. It really sounds quite marvellous. In fact, I understand Lloyd Webber is getting an extension on his conservatory at Sydmonton so he can house and train them all himself. But then Andrew always did love being surrounded by pussies. Bless.

Animal actors have to be trained properly, and require just as much dedication and talent as a normal human actor. There are, however, many differences between a human and animal actor – the most obvious being their lack of toilet etiquette and abundance of hair. But, as a general rule, it is very easy to tell the difference between animals and humans on stage, unless, of course, the human is Brian Blessed.

Animal actors and performers have become even more popular recently due to Pudsey the dog winning
Britain’s Got Talent
. That amazing canine proved that many people consider a talented dog to be far more entertaining than a talented human. Which only goes to show why so many dogs have had excellent West End careers.

One of the most well-known sayings in the entertainment business is ‘Don’t work with animals or children.’ I personally don’t agree with this – and have been pleasantly surprised at just how willing and adaptable an animal can be. In fact, I know many animal actors who are far better than human actors. They are certainly more obedient for
starters. A dear director friend of mine is currently training human actors to be more like animal actors by putting them on a lead and making them fetch sticks in the rehearsal room. It really sounds intriguing. And is having a profound effect on the actor playing King Lear.

There is often a lot of bitterness between animal and human performers – mostly because the animals get more money. This is for various reasons, one of the main ones being we have to pay not only the animal but also their trainer. On top of that, animal actors are very demanding, and require their dressing room to be filled with a new supply of Pedigree Chum every day. Of course, we have to do this, because unlike human actors, the dogs actually bite back. There are also some very well-known human actors who do this. But for legal reasons I cannot name them.

Because of the new popularity in animal actors there are now many drama institutions who specialise in this field – and, rather like schools for human actors, they offer one-, two- and three-year courses.

The best animal drama schools are listed below:

RADA
– Royal Academy of Dog Art.

LAMDA
– London Academy of Mutated Dog Actors (cross-breeds).

RCSSD
– Royal Central School of Snakes and Drama.

ArtsEd
– Specialises in musical-theatre animals.

LIPA
– Liverpool Institute of Performing Animals.

ALRA
– Academy of Live and Rare-Breed Animals.

Drama Centre London
– Specialises in training tough/arrogant animals.

The Poor School
– For animal actors who can’t afford the other schools.

A quick plea
: if you are an animal actor that can swim, please get in touch. I am desperately searching for a whale that can
sing, dance, and has puppetry skills for my upcoming musical production of
Free Willy
.

Naming your baby ‘The National Theatre’ is very committed, but does not guarantee success, dear.