Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (13 page)
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Authors: West End Producer
The Technical Rehearsal
I often hear actors complaining about a particularly horrific time they spend in the theatre. It is a time when the director ignores them, the musical director is more concerned about the band and his baton, and the lighting and sound designers get all the praise. It is a time when actors are sadly reminded that they are merely paid to stand in the right lights, speak in the right places, and look nice. It’s a sad day, an awakening, a time when actors wish that they were getting paid as much as the person who found the sound effects. And a time when everyone realises that they’ve put on weight since the wardrobe mistress measured them four weeks ago. Yes, that’s right – it is the technical rehearsal. Aka ‘the Tech’!
Technical rehearsals are invariably long, tedious, awkward and violent days. They involve lots of standing around, waiting in the wings, awkward fist fights and missed tea breaks. It is a trying time when tempers are high, and actors leave the business to drive buses. Only the other day I was travelling to Swiss Cottage and discovered my bus was being driven by Serena McKellen. He was very helpful when I had Oyster card issues, dear.
The tech usually occurs on the first day you arrive at the theatre. Whether you are opening a national tour, a show in the West End, or a TIE version of
Les Liaisons Dangereuses
, this first day in the venue can be very exciting indeed.
It is lovely visiting your new theatre for the first time – usually you will see your show poster outside the building, which always makes actors feel warm inside. But on closer inspection many actors see that their name or photo isn’t on the poster – it’s only the director, MD, choreographer, lighting designer, sound designer, set designer and local bin man. This is where actors realise that they took the wrong course at drama school – and should have done the three-year technical-theatre course instead.
Upon entering a new theatre you will be greeted by the stage-door keeper. These people are very important – and know
the theatre inside out. Many of them are undercover spies for MI5, and all of them are karate champions. It is a well-guarded secret that to become a fully qualified stage-door keeper you have to do a five-year course at Oxford University. Stage-door keepers can become your loyal friend, or your worst enemy. There is a legend that the stage-door keeper at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane is actually Lord Lucan.
Dressing Rooms
After being accepted by Lord Lucan you will be allowed to your dressing room. Many actors refer to their dressing room as ‘home’. It is not. You do not pay the mortgage. And you do not pay rent. The only people who are allowed to call it ‘home’ are the theatre rats. And Simon Russell Beale. I’m sure his permanent place of residence is the National Theatre. He always seems to be hanging around there anyway, dear.
Unless you are the star of the show you will invariably be sharing your dressing room. This is not a bad thing if you like your fellow cast members – but can prove something of a problem if you are sitting next to a ‘sweaty Betty’. Every cast has a sweaty Betty – and, like the company idiot, if you don’t know who this person is, then the likelihood is that it’s you. The sweaty Betty of the cast tends to smell of old bacon and has a habit of eating Scampi Fries all the way through the interval.
One of the most important things to do when getting into a new theatre is finding where the tea and coffee is. Usually such items are kept in the green room – but sometimes they’re hidden so the actors can’t find them. This never goes down well, particularly first thing in the morning. I remember an actor in 1985 getting so angry about the lack of coffee in a particular theatre that he vowed to make a mockery of the show and be as ‘over the top’ as possible. Luckily for Antony Sher he’s made a successful career out of this ever since.
Actors – the further away your dressing room is from the stage, the less important you are.
The Sound Check
A vital element of any musical’s tech is the sound check. Actors love sound checks. They suddenly feel very important as everyone is forced to listen to them. It’s their moment to shine, and show off their marvellous voice whilst everyone else in the theatre is forced to endure the agonising torture of their raised soft palate. But then, of course, the actor goes on stage and freezes. What should an actor say at the sound check? They have just had their radio microphones fitted, and are required to simply talk on stage. It really should be something actors are very good at, but the moment they’re standing alone on that stage, with the rest of the cast and creative team watching and listening – invariably all they know how to say is ‘One, two, one, two.’ I often suggest to actors that they recite some lines from the show, but this is only the technical rehearsal and most actors don’t know their lines by then. That is what the preview period is for, dear.
I remember one actor in Scarborough who decided to recite the whole of his CV during the sound check. He was talking for about fifteen minutes. Which is remarkable considering all he’d done was a summer season at Frinton-on-Sea.
At the back of the auditorium you will usually see a tall shadowy figure slumped around a desk, frequently cursing, and calling actors ‘plebs’. This isn’t a Tory MP – it’s the sound technician. This is the person who controls the microphone levels, sound effects and pre-recorded music. They are usually very nice people, but can be rather smelly. I recently approached Lynx and challenged them to try and combat the body odour of one very pungent sound technician. But they said the ‘Lynx effect’ doesn’t apply to people working backstage in a theatre.
It is advisable to be very friendly with the sound technician. If they don’t like you, they have the ultimate power and will stop your voice being heard. I know lots of people who complain about the use of radio microphones these days and say, ‘But surely actors can project.’ I have seen lots of actors project over the years – but most of the time it’s after eight pints and involves vomit, dear.
Costumes and Set
The tech also includes the excitement of trying on your costume. This is where you regret eating all of my HobNobs during rehearsals. A costume which was designed to make you look slim and slender now makes you look like you’re the lead in
Russell Grant: The Musical
. It’s not all bad though – this is what the technical rehearsal is for. You simply ask your dresser to force a very tight corset, or length of cling film, around your waist, and once again you are reduced to a size 8. If the actors are very excited they will sometimes offer ‘extra services’ to the costume designer in exchange for a better frock, and the designer will disappear into the actor’s dressing room for a few minutes. If a designer is very lucky they may get the chance to visit every dressing room in the theatre.
Then there is the joy seeing the set for the first time. Actors always giggle and laugh hysterically the moment they see it. If the designer is around, the actors gravitate towards him or her, and compliment them on their success.
For the directors, the success of the set is also hugely important – as it can take the focus off the bad acting, and fool the audience into thinking the show is a lot better than it actually is.
Before the full technical rehearsal begins the director and designer will sometimes demand a ‘costume show’ on stage. This is where the actors get to parade around the stage and imagine they are all models. Always remember at this point
to wear exactly what the designer has told you to wear. If you decide you want to wear your own costume that you’ve recently purchased from Primark, only do this after week two of the run – when the designer is in Russia working on the tour of
La Cage aux Folles
, dear.
Most of the time the ‘sitzprobe’ (where actors sing with the band for the first time) will already have happened – but when actors hear the band, see the set and wear the costumes simultaneously they get overexcited, and end up in a dribbling heap downstage-right. This condition is very well known in the industry – and many premature actors suffer from it. The ‘showgasm’ is something which can affect actors of every age and experience. Apparently Patrick Stewart had a ‘showgasm’ when he first saw the set of
Macbeth
– and ended up ‘showgasming’ all over the three witches.
The Tea Break
After the sound check and the costume show you may be lucky and get a fifteen-minute tea break. The tea break is a very important time – as it allows the actors to congregate in the green room or stare at themselves in their dressing-room mirrors. ‘Staring at yourself in the dressing-room mirror’ is an ancient theatrical tradition that has been passed down since Laurence Olivier invented drama in the 1960s.
As the first tech session starts, actors are reminded to stay calm and breathe deeply. Sometimes actors are lucky and will have a marvellous company manager who will hand out Valium which has been kindly provided by Equity. If Valium is not available, actors will use Lemsip, vodka, beer, or simply suck on an unhealthy number of Vocalzones, dear.
The length of a tech can vary hugely. It all depends on the size, scale and challenges of the show. If you are doing a ‘mid-scale tour’, the tech will last two days, if you are doing a panto in Margate the tech will last two hours, and if you
are doing a show at the RSC the tech will last a year. So it is vital you keep your energy levels up, and let your loved ones know you will not be contactable for the foreseeable future.
It is not uncommon that during the technical rehearsal actors get shocked at the sound of their own voices. They hear themselves amplified around the stage and realise that they actually sound dreadful. This is awkward as the director has known this for weeks. In cases where the actors get anxious as a result of this I remind them to ‘think of the money’. Then I remember that they are on Equity minimum and tell them to think of England.
Technical rehearsals can even change an entire performance. When on stage you may realise that the lighting designer has decided to light the scene entirely differently to how you have rehearsed it – meaning you have to change where you stand and talk. This will teach you for not sleeping with them the night before.
If all else fails, and actors feel they cannot cope with the strains and stresses of the technical rehearsal, I suggest they go back to RADA for their new three-year course: ‘How to Survive a Technical Rehearsal’.
After you have successfully completed the tech there is only one thing to do: reward yourself by going to the pub and getting savagely sloshed. Unless, of course, the technical rehearsal finishes an hour before your first show (which it frequently does). In which case, break a leg! You’re going to need it, dear.
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| Traditions and Superstitions The Green Room The green room is the place where actors and stage management sit, bitch and drink. It is a place of sanctity that offers a change of scenery from the stage and dressing rooms. Of course, most green rooms carry a ‘public health warning’ as they are never cleaned. But they are very important places and usually have a TV, microwave and kettle. Indeed, some green rooms even have a selection of magazines to keep people occupied. Magazines that comprise mostly of porn. Which is a sure way of keeping actors quiet during the interval. | |
| There are many thoughts and theories about where the term ‘green room’ originated, but here is my favourite. In Restoration theatre – in the late seventeenth century – costumes were elaborate and very expensive. And they were never washed. So actors had to be extremely diligent in keeping their costumes clean. This is why Restoration plays are traditionally performed in specific poses and stances – with the arms outstretched and legs apart – so that costumes do not touch and rub, and get dirty. However, theatres are filthy places, and the very nature of performing in them resulted in costumes and actors getting dirty and sweaty. | |
| The task of keeping costumes clean was particularly difficult when a character was expected to ‘die’ on stage. The thought of having an elaborate ‘writhing around on the floor death’ used to terrify Restoration actors as it was a sure way of getting their costumes dirty. This is where the green room came in. The green room was used to store a lot of green material (rather like the baize on a snooker table) – and at the precise moment an actor had to die, someone would run on stage and lay down a piece of this material so the death could happen without the costume getting filthy. Because lots of these | |
| The other reason it is called the green room is because if you are an actor who spends a lot of time in there you will be ‘green with envy’ that you aren’t spending more time on stage playing a bigger part, dear. No Whistling On Stage You should avoid whistling on stage – or indeed offstage – for fear of things being dropped on your head. This dates back to when the people who used to build sets and help with rigging were hired from ships and boats in port. And as anyone who has worked backstage will know, crew members delight in showing off all the different knots they know – knots which were passed down and learnt from sailors. | |
| On ships, the sailors would communicate by whistling certain calls and tunes which meant particular things (like ‘drop the sail’) – and this is how sailors also communicated in theatres. So if an actor whistled on stage he could accidentally be instructing a sailor/crew member to drop in a piece of scenery. However, there are times when this tradition can be rather useful – particularly if you are understudying someone and fancy a go at the role. Simply do a lot of whistling at the appropriate moment and hope that a sailor drops a nice bit of heavy scenery onto their head. Naughty, dear. Macbeth | |
| The play It is cursed because apparently the witches’ spells are | |
| Another reason for this superstition is that Traditionally, if an actor says ‘Macbeth’ in a theatre they have to leave the building, do a 10K run, down two pints of cider, sing ‘The Circle of Life’ backwards, rub a copy of the Pantomime Superstitions | |
| In a pantomime it is considered bad luck to perform the whole piece without an audience – which means that it should never be fully performed before opening night. This can be something of a problem during dress rehearsals – when it is vital to do a full run. The way superstitious directors get around this is by not allowing the actors to say the final two lines of the show (which are traditionally rhyming couplets) until the opening night. This is fine if those two lines are easy, but a bloody nightmare if they’re not. | |
| There is also the belief that the ‘good’ characters (Fairy Godmother/Genie) should only enter stage-right, and the ‘bad’ The Dress Rehearsal | |
| There is a silly superstition that if you have a bad dress rehearsal you will have an excellent opening night. I understand the idea – that if the dress is a complete failure then nerves, energy and a desire to make it work will empower you to have a marvellous first show. Personally, though, I much prefer it if the dress rehearsal is a success. For one thing there is usually a photographer present, taking photos for front-of-house and marketing purposes – and we don’t want bad photos going front-of-house, otherwise what will the boxoffice staff think? And secondly, I often invite industry friends to see the dress rehearsal – or ‘open dress’ as it is known – alongside colleagues, friends and theatre staff. It is a marvellous way of getting a true audience reaction – which is invaluable for the actors. It also provides the perfect opportunity for me to show off in front of all my friends, dear. | |
| ‘Break a Leg’ The term ‘break a leg’ is said to actors so that people can avoid saying ‘good luck’ (which is considered bad luck). The term itself refers to bowing, because when you bow you bend at the knees and ‘break’ the line of your leg. Hence ‘break a leg’ means ‘take a bow’. It also refers to when audience members used to throw money onto the stage during the curtain call – causing actors to break the line of their leg by kneeling to pick up the money. I always think it such a shame that this tradition no longer happens – as most actors I know love getting on their knees for money. | |
| It is also bad luck for actors to bow if they feel they haven’t performed well and don’t ‘deserve’ it. However, if this rule was followed properly there would be a lot of actors out there who would never bow at all. You know who you are… | |
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