Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (16 page)

In essence, an ensemble theatre piece means every member of the company is important and has a vital role to play in the
show – whether they are saying one word or 1,500 lines. Of course, this is utter nonsense. The most important person in a show is the lead. That is quite obvious. If we have a marvellous lead, the show stands much more chance of being a huge success. If we have a member of the ensemble who says two words, to be honest, it doesn’t really matter if they’re bad. It won’t have that much effect on the whole show. Obviously it helps if they can speak without dribbling and vomiting, but the audience will quickly forget about it anyway, dear.

Actors – please avoid warming up in the bedroom. Particularly when I’m asleep, dear.

The Dance Captain

Dance captains are a rare breed of performer who are employed to take physical warm-ups and make sure the choreography stays up to standard. They can be spotted a mile off by the fact that they will be wearing as little as possible, have a six pack, and can contort themselves into a ball the size of Craig Revel Horwood’s nose. Dance captains will have studied all disciplines of dance, and will excel in anything that involves extreme discomfort – and take huge delight in forcing this pain onto other members of the company. They will also be highly experienced in the art of ‘domination’, and supplement their income by whipping nappy-wearing lawyers and doctors at the weekend.

Dance captains will never admit this, but they are always in cahoots with the company manager, who in turn is in cahoots with me. It is really rather marvellous hearing stories about the company warm-up and how certain actors are more resourceful and enthusiastic than others. Indeed, recently I have started to make my deputy stage managers take a register at the beginning of warm-ups – for no other reason than to make the actors feel like they are back at
school. This is marvellous for discipline, and is useful in reminding actors that they must be on their best behaviour at all times, and abide by the School of Theatre Rules.

Hopefully the entire company will be following Rule 17 and be present at the warm-up wearing suitable attire (and carrying a water bottle). I am always shocked at what people choose to wear in company warm-ups – it frequently becomes a competition to see who wears the most revealing clothing. Invariably the dance captain wins this contest by wearing nothing apart from pants and nipple tassels, followed by envious ensemble members who favour tight crop-tops. My casting director often visits the warm-up under the pretence that he needs to have a chat with everyone. He doesn’t. He just likes staring and dribbling.

The physical warm-up will consist of ten to twenty minutes of physical movement. This will involve moves as varied as lunges, ball-changes, and desperate stretching to the ceiling. There will inevitably be a section where the entire company try and do the splits – which can be rather messy, particularly after a big night out.

Some dance captains will vary their warm-up day by day, and others will do exactly the same thing for years. It doesn’t really matter what they do, as long as they make everyone jump up and down to alert their naughty bits that they are about to do a show.

Some dance captains will even occasionally play the latest Natalie Cassidy Fitness DVD during the warm-up – not so everyone can follow her moves, but so everyone can have a good laugh.

I always find it interesting to be informed about who stands in the back row in the physical warm-up. These people are the perverted members of the company who do pathetic little stretches whilst staring at everyone’s bottoms. This is rather uncomfortable, particularly when it is the older cast members. I remember a specific incident when one Fagin used to leave warm-ups with an obvious erection. It was terribly embarrassing, particularly as it didn’t go down for the duration of the show – and gave a whole new meaning to ‘You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two’.

Next will follow the vocal warm-up, usually taken by the musical director. However, if the musical director is not available, the assistant musical director will do it. And if he isn’t available an overenthusiastic actor will offer their services. This is always embarrassing and results in feelings of anger and resentment in the rest of the company.

The vocal warm-up will consist of humming, a few scales, a little sing-song and some tongue-twisters. You should expect to use the words ‘me may mah more moo’ frequently, and it is a mortal sin if you don’t know the many variations of ‘Bella Signora’. One of the main aims of the vocal warm-up is to avoid looking like a blow-up doll. Obviously you have to open your mouth – but always be aware of how open it actually is. As a rule, aim for two fingers fitting into your mouth – as this is the perfect size for warming up, singing and acting in general. Never, ever try and put your whole hand in, as no one wants to see an actor fisting themselves.

Even if you can’t actually do the tongue-twisters, you should always pretend that you can. That’s what everyone else will be doing.

If you ever feel uncomfortable during the vocal warm-up and worry that your voice isn’t good enough, you must always remember that you will never be the worst-sounding person in the room. That will be the musical director. Bless them. That’s why they are a musical director and not a performer. For the occasional treat, and to make yourself feel better, just ask the musical director to demonstrate one of their exercises. When you hear their tight, squeaky singing voice you will be instantly reminded of how talented you really are.