Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (19 page)

The smooth running of a press night is usually handled by a PR company, who will have been employed months in advance to help with the whole marketing aspect of the show. They will be in charge of media, interviews, press, invitations, posters, images, social media, websites and John Barrowman’s teeth.

It is absolutely vital that actors learn their lines by press night. There is nothing worse than hearing an actor shout ‘Line’ in front of all the critics and invited peers. It is such a fundamental mistake, and one which is often forgotten by some of our leading actors. It is not acceptable. Particularly when they’ve had the whole of the preview period to learn them.

Because of all the extra excitement on press nights, actors often overcompensate. I have seen actors down large amounts of Red Bull before heading on stage – which has caused them to tremble throughout their entire performance. This is how the actor playing Alfie, the old waiter in
One Man, Two Guvnors
, perfected his shaking. It was nothing to do with physical practice, it was just Red Bull shakes, dear.

It is extremely important that you look good during the curtain call on press night. Recently there has been a trend for photographers to take photos during it, and the following day you don’t want your sweaty, rouge-smudged face appearing all over the internet. It is advisable to double-, triple- and quadruple-check before gliding onto the stage for your applause. Also, at the party there will be lots of press and photographers vying for your attention, desperate to get a marvellous shot – again making it essential you look immaculate. But as well as looking good it is wise to make sure you stand out. I suggest ladies wear a revealing dress or stylish onesie. And gents wear a tight suit that elegantly shows off their package.

The greatest moment about the press night is, of course, the party. These are usually lavish affairs that take place in wonderfully expensive locations where wine and beer is free-flowing and the nibbles are expensively inedible (unless you are doing a small-scale tour – where the party will be a pint of lager and bag of nuts in Wetherspoon’s).

In honesty, I much prefer going to other people’s press-night parties than my own. At my own parties I am forced to hang around the bar making sure that greedy actors and naughty front-of-house staff don’t nick all the free booze. These affairs are always ridiculously hard on the wallet, particularly when Louie Spence swans around, sipping free champagne and gorging on nibbles and nipples all night.

I love nothing more than searching through my wardrobe before a press night. It takes hours of grooming and several costume changes before I look right, especially now that I ‘theme’ myself depending on what show I am going to see. Over the years my collection of different ‘themed’ pants has become quite extensive – ranging from my
Miss Saigon
thong to my
Phantom
Pampers. I sometimes even get a wardrobe mistress to make me some new ones if I am feeling particularly excited. Of course, no one gets to see my themed pants unless they ask very nicely after plying me with lots of Dom, dear.

I have spoken to many actors who find the whole process of mingling at parties rather disheartening. They lack the confidence to go and introduce themselves to the important people, and have a fear of appearing desperate. But, of course, they are not
expected
to do any of this – in fact, the important people will go to
them
if they think they’ve done a good job. If, however, you find yourself in an awkward position and no one is speaking to you, the best thing to do is pretend to be an agent. You will notice that everyone in the room suddenly starts mingling with you. And as a bonus you won’t have to buy any drinks for the rest of the night. The only downside to this is when other actors from your show ask you to represent them. When this happens you must politely decline, and tell them that you don’t think they’re good enough.

Usually your agent will have bribed, begged, and screamed down the phone at you to ensure you bring them as your press-night guest. It is an extremely important night – and you should obviously give your two complimentary tickets to the people that have supported, funded and helped carve your career out from a young age – but, of course, your agents won’t care about this and will expect you to give the tickets to them. Cheeky buggers.

If you do take your agent it is your responsibility to keep an eye on them at all times and make sure they don’t embarrass themselves by poaching and touching the other actors. Agents are notorious for hogging the bar area, and usually resort to extreme violence when the free alcohol runs out.
Your
agent is
your
responsibility – never forget this. If they get out of hand and start shouting at other agents it is
you
who will look embarrassed and inexperienced. However, if your agent is a member of the PMA (Personal Managers’ Association) they will be easier to keep an eye on as they are tagged, and can never be more than half a mile outside of Soho.

During the press-night party you will inevitably get asked many tedious questions about the play and your involvement in it. Sadly these questions cannot be avoided, and you should do your best to answer them with as much positivity and enthusiasm as possible. Of course, this will often require a lot of lying, particularly in shows where you hate the rest of the cast. There are obvious techniques to help when answering questions like this – one of the most important is smiling, even if it’s through gritted teeth. A smile will make everyone think that you have had a glorious rehearsal period full of laughter and support.

However, if you accidentally start slagging off a fellow member of your cast it is essential that you also laugh wildly – as this makes it look like you are joking. Of course, everyone will know that you are not, but at least it allows you to cover your back when you get interrogated about it the next day.

Obviously the most important person to ensure you thank and praise is the director – even if they are terrible – as they are the people who will employ you again. And, to be honest, you should never judge a director by how good they actually are at directing. I have known some bloody awful directors in my time, many of whom have gone on to run some of the best theatres in the country.

Never hand out business cards during press nights. This smacks of desperation. Everyone will know who you are and that you were in the show – and if they don’t you should just break into song and dance and perform your audition pieces. Everyone loves an actor who is good at entertaining the crowd. Craig Revel Horwood does it all the time, usually climaxing in a naughty little strip. And I can tell you – his selection of themed show-pants is even bigger than mine, dear.

Actors – respect those that light, dress and mic you. Without them, you’re a naked mute in the dark.

Backstage Etiquette

Over the years I have had the misfortune of reading many a show report stating how badly an actor has behaved. I understand that, like anyone, actors can get annoyed and frustrated – but hijacking props, and using the wig room as a toilet is not very considerate. If you have a problem in a company the best thing to do is seek your company manager and get them to deal with the situation. If you have a problem with your company manager, then unfortunately you are screwed. The company manager is someone who is trustworthy, efficient and good at their job. Either that or they’re my friend.

Always treat your dressing room with the same amount of respect as your home. It should be a place where you can find
sanctuary, peace, relaxation and fornication. And the way you treat it should reflect that. It is no good letting old food rot in the corner, and leaving unwashed pants on the floor – as that tends to attract mice, lice and Michael Barrymore.

Obviously some of you will be unfortunate enough to have to share a dressing room. Whilst this may be uncomfortable, it is sadly unavoidable. We can’t have the celebrities spending more time than necessary with the ensemble – there’s Equity rules about that. If you are in the ensemble, then chances are you’ll be sharing a space of around four square feet with at least five other people. And that’s only in the bigger theatres. I always think you should look upon it as a challenge. It’s always good getting to know other actors – even if they clip their toenails in your seat and sing ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ on loop.

You should always be assigned a little table space in front of a mirror. If you are very lucky you will have lights around the mirror. And if you are extra, extra lucky you will have a wash basin and fridge. The wash basin should
only
be used to wash in, and not to crouch over when the toilet is engaged. And the fridge should only be used to store food, and not to hide your children in. When you know where your place is, most actors like putting up cards and photos around the mirror. I would advise keeping the number of photos of yourself to a minimum, as it is not good to appear too self-obsessed.

If you are sharing a dressing room with someone you don’t like, it can be tough. You should always try and get along with everyone. You are an actor – and that is your responsibility. Making enemies can result in constant regret, as that person could one day be running the National Theatre or your local Lidl. So I suggest doing your best to get to know the person. Take them out for drinks, get them drunk, find out if they’ve ever had a yeast infection, and bribe them. If that doesn’t work, just tell them you’re represented by Curtis Brown or United and they will show you nothing but respect.