Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (17 page)

It is always advisable to do your warm-up before the show, and not in the bar afterwards, dear.

Before the Show

At the end of the warm-up everyone looks around the room and makes sure the dance captain has still got their pants on – and then the company manager makes some announcements. Announcements tend to be rather boring affairs like who is off, which understudy is on, and which actors need to be better. Sometimes there are birthday announcements – which are embarrassing affairs where the entire company spontaneously burst into a rousing rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’. Of course, this includes lots of complicated harmony and at least three key changes, as everyone uses it to show off their skill, and to remind the musical director of how gifted they are.

If it’s a long-running show, especially a musical, a resident director will then give some notes. They will tell you, in their opinion, how the show is looking from ‘out front’, what needs work, and when someone important is going to be watching. It is vital you listen to this – as your resident director will inform you when the ‘proper’ director is in. When this happens it is essential you do the show exactly the way it was originally directed. This can be very challenging, and in some cases impossible, as the show will have changed so much that it is now unrecognisable. This is when your company manager will save the day and play a recording of what the show used to look like.

A good resident director will then give a pep talk about making the show as good as possible. An even better resident director will say nothing at all and just let you get on with it.

Any company notes session will be taken by the director, assistant director, resident director, associate director, assistant to the associate director, resident’s assistant director, supervisor to the director, or any other person we can find. When you get a note from the original director it is advisable to take the note and do what he or she says. If any of the other directors give you a note, just nod your head – and carry on doing what you were doing anyway. It makes them
feel important, you appear grateful, and is the best solution for everyone involved.

After all of the above it will nearly be the half-hour call – so if you need a fag or some food you should make a last-minute dash to the local shop. Or simply order a pizza or curry to be delivered in the interval.

Of course, sometimes doing a physical and vocal warm-up is just far too draining and time-consuming – and on days like this I recommend doing a company ‘Gangnam Style’.

Two of my cast were caught having naughty fun in a dressing room. I’ve given them a written warning to lock the door next time, dear.

Quick Changes

Quick changes are often a bone of contention and many actors don’t know the correct way of dealing with them. For one thing, you should always be sure to wear underwear (unless you are trying the ‘no-pants technique’) – as it can be rather embarrassing having your naughty bits flapping about backstage. You may have a dresser to make your task more pleasant, in which case they will be used to seeing your naughty bits – and will have seen so many that they will have become immune to them. Wardrobe mistresses will always scold you for not wearing show-pants, though, as they play the important role of preventing skid-marks going onto expensive and unwashable costumes.

Obviously at the beginning of the run your quick changes will take a lot longer than when you have mastered them. Indeed, quick changes are usually the things that slow technical rehearsals down more than anything else. Actors never want to feel like they may be forced to make a dramatic entrance wearing nothing but a jockstrap or thong. Unless they are John Barrowman.

The thing to remember is to remain calm. It is much easier doing a quick change when you take your time than when you rush around and get your legs stuck in your arm-holes. I remember a funny incident in a production of
Macbeth
in the eighties where, after an unsuccessful quick change, the only thing covering Macbeth’s naughty bits was the dagger from his ‘Is this a dagger I see before me?’ speech. The problem was that the dagger was being mimed, meaning that the audience had a perfect view of Macbeth’
s
‘naughty instrument’. Mind you, this little accident didn’t do the box office any harm – word spread that it was the most ‘revealing’
Macbeth
in history and the production completely sold out, confirming what we all knew anyway: nudity sells. Even in Shakespeare.

Tipping dressers, just like bullying the understudies, is an old theatrical tradition. There is no hard-and-fast rule about it – and many performers don’t believe in the tradition now, stating that dressers ‘get just as much money as us actors’. But you should always remember that one day you will also be a dresser, and will be hugely appreciative of the extra coppers given to you. Also, tipping a dresser is tax deductible – it’s a professional expense!

Some actors don’t listen properly. I told one yesterday to wait for a pause, not applause.

Bowing

Every actor needs a good bow. It is essential in completing a performance, and is the perfect opportunity to show the audience your appreciation. Even if you give a terrible performance in a bloody awful show, a marvellous bow can redeem everything.

I have always been appalled that drama schools don’t dedicate a term to the ‘art of bowing’ – and some don’t even offer
a workshop in this specialised field. It is a great tragedy, and is the main reason why the general standard of bowing has deteriorated over the years. I remember the good old days when bows would involve jazz hands, ball-changes and the exchange of bodily fluids – and became the highlight of a show. I must admit sometimes the bows are still my favourite part, but that’s only because I’m thrilled that the show’s over.

A bow completes your performance, and shows the audience what kind of actor you are – and without a good one, an actor looks like a flailing amateur.

There have been many heated debates over the years about the correct approach to bowing, and whether you should still be ‘in character’. Many people believe that it is the one time when you can truly be yourself, allowing the audience to see you as
you
. Other, more Method actors tend to think you should always be in character. Personally, I don’t mind – as long as actors stay in their costume. It is not appropriate to take a bow in your own clothes – even if you have to dash off to catch your train.

Some more ‘arty’ directors get rid of the bow completely – as they think it leaves a far stronger impact on the audience. For some reason they think that bringing the actors back on stage shatters the show’s illusion, and ruins everything that has gone before. To these directors I say ‘Grow up.’ By not allowing the actors to bow you are denying them of their right to bow, and the audience of their right to applaud.

There are different time limits when bowing – and the greater your role in the show, the longer you are allowed. Obviously you will know your status within the company by when your bow is. If you bow first in the curtain call then you are the least important actor – but if you are fortunate enough to take the final bow you are the most important actor and are entitled to take as long as you wish, ranging from two minutes to two hours. I have witnessed many bows, particularly at the National, that have lasted as long as the performance itself. Some people call this indulgent. I call it talent.

You see, a bow is like another show in itself. And if an artist can keep an audience entertained by doing a two-hour bow then they should be applauded. Personally, I never understand why actors don’t take bows at the end of films. It would be thrilling to see Sigourney Weaver and her monsters taking a lovely long curtain call at the end of
Alien
, dear.

Bowing, in simple terms, requires you to bend. In show-business, and in theatre particularly, there are lots of highly experienced benders. I know many benders who have been practising since early adolescence, and still feel their bend is not perfect. A good bender will have studied and researched the history of bowing, and will have spent many long evenings in the company of other benders. Between them these benders share hints, tips, and bending techniques to try and find the perfect bend. Sometimes it is only through the gentle force of another bender that the inexperienced bender can feel comfortable with the thrilling, yet sometimes painful bending sensation.