Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (28 page)

An associate director is particularly useful during these cast changes. They will have been involved with the show from the start, so will know exactly how it is meant to look. It is always very difficult getting the original director back as they will be busy on other projects – so the associate takes over. However, sometimes the original director will grace the company with their presence for a day of rehearsals to give general notes – purely so they feel the show is still their own. Some directors only work on the big shows because
they are potentially big money-making opportunities. As do the producers. Well, I have to pay for my Dom supply somehow, dear.

So, the associate director will spend their time playing, moving, and fiddling with the actors. But, of course, they will not be doing this job on their own – they will have the support of the assistant director. And the musical director. And the assistant musical director. And the associate musical director. And the choreographer. And the assistant choreographer. And the dance captain. And the company manager. And the ASM. In fact, there are sometimes more people directing the show than there are
in
the show, dear. But always remember to take the notes from the person whose opinions really matter, the person who pays your wages: the producer.

I must admit that I often wish I was a director. I love nothing more than strolling into the rehearsal room and seeing eager, excitable actors gazing at me for approval. I always smile back and offer wise words of encouragement, unless I don’t like them. It is always very useful for me to sit in the rehearsal room – as it allows me to see if the director is doing what I’ve told them to do. In most cases the director will have told me their thoughts on the show, and only when I’m happy will they be allowed to proceed. If I ever go into a rehearsal room and see that they are being too inventive, I have to remind them of their role. I don’t pay the directors to create
their
show. I pay them to create
my
show.

Nowadays it is true that it is just as important to have a well-known director as it is to have successful actors. I employ directors because it’s trendy to have their names on the posters – even if they’re not actually very good at directing. The public love seeing a show that has been directed by a film director, as that implies that they must be very good indeed. Although, in truth, they are often not. They just happen to be sharing a bed with someone who is, dear.

Actors – you know you’ve made it when the musical director changes the key for you, dear.

Musical Directors

Musical directors are a unique breed of human life form. They are inevitably very gifted musically, as a result of spending years in solitude playing with their instrument. In fact, some of them are so talented they will have spent years playing with two of their instruments. Sometimes even at the same time. And that’s why they demand the big bucks. And believe me – they demand the big bucks, dear.

Musicians and musical directors are very lucky in that they have a superior being looking after them at all times. They have a higher god, a defender, a department of the justice system that they can always rely on. And because of this they can demand marvellous pay packets for playing only four notes in the overture of
Oklahoma!
Of course, I am referring to the Musicians’ Union.

The MU is a solid union. It has strict policies and guidelines about when and where their members can work – and for how long they can rehearse before breaking or going into overtime. And because musicians know they are represented by such an effective body, they will simply down instruments and walk out when rehearsals run over. I recently witnessed a tuba player dropping his instrument halfway through a blow – which left a very disappointed actor standing with his pants down.

Musicians are a skilled bunch and without them a musical, or indeed any show using music, simply wouldn’t work. There is nothing as thrilling as hearing the triumphant blasts of an overture as it builds the anticipation before a show. I love it. The truth is that most of the shows in the West End, and indeed touring at present, are musicals – and without the dedication and talent of musicians and musical directors they simply wouldn’t be possible.

Although most musical directors are skilled musicians, it does not mean that they are all talented. In fact, I knew one musical director who couldn’t even play an instrument – he just used the pre-recorded demos on his PSR400 Yamaha keyboard to take warm-ups, and got his mum to record all the music from the show the night before. No one dared question him – as no one questions the musical director, dear.

Different Types of Musical Directors

A good
musical director
will have passed their Grade 5 theory and piano exams. They will be able to read music, and be able to speak about different time signatures. They won’t necessarily know what key they are playing in, but will know whether they are playing in major or minor. They will also understand that talking about the black notes on a piano is not racist. The main job of the musical director is to employ the best musicians who can play the score – and if this is done correctly it makes their life very easy indeed. It is essential they own a nice suit and tuxedo, and can waft their arms around in a convincing way. It is not, however, vital that they have an affair with Katherine Jenkins – although this is rather good for publicity.

A good
assistant musical director
will be able to play ‘Chopsticks’ on the piano, and be able to identify all the different sections of an orchestra. They will also be familiar with every musical scale and know how to use the ‘transpose’ function on a keyboard. It is a huge advantage if they can play the scale of C major but, of course, are not expected to know C minor – as that is what the musical supervisor is for.

A
musical supervisor
will be in charge of the overall ‘sound’ and ‘feel’ of a show. They will be highly experienced in all aspects of music – and will know the difference between baroque and pop music simply by listening to it. As a general rule, they will have passed both their GCSE and A-level Music exams, and will have followed this by attending
a music conservatoire where they will have spent several years smoking lots of naughty substances and perfecting their fingering skills.

Many musical supervisors will help with the arrangements of the music, and often listen in during rehearsals to make sure the songs are ‘balanced’ correctly. By this I mean that the number of tenors, baritones, altos and sopranos are correct. There are many musical supervisors who claim to have perfect pitch, and will sit in rehearsals telling people that they are slightly flat or sharp. I remember one particularly embarrassing occasion when my musical supervisor stopped a song and accused an actress of being ‘very flat’. My casting director, thinking the musical supervisor had said ‘very fat’, tried to defend the actress by saying, ‘She’s not very fat. She’s just a bit chubby.’ Awkward, dear.

Another type of musical director is the
children’s musical director
. This person is employed solely to look after the children of the company, and also those older actors who behave like children (of whom there are an alarmingly large number). The children’s musical director will be aged ten and over and will be highly skilled at playing the descant recorder. They will also be the person that sings the upper harmony line whenever ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung – which is essential when attending all the children’s parties. It is a bonus if they can make balloon animals.

Finally, one of the main responsibilities of all types of musical director is to teach people the difference between an actor and a musician. Which is at least £300 a week.

Actors – ‘I can’t, I’m rehearsing’ is not a valid excuse for missing the birth of your child. Unless you’re rehearsing for the National, of course, dear.

Casting Directors

Casting directors are a new breed that was developed by Andrew Lloyd Webber a few years ago when he wanted an actor who could act, dance, sing, look good, roller skate and play the tuba. He didn’t know any actors that specific so enlisted the help of a man he found hanging around some bins in Soho.

Casting directors have a very hard job. They have to look at headshots, watch plays and showreels, book audition rooms and speak to actors. That is not as easy as it sounds – as some actors are notoriously difficult to talk to, particularly those that have only done a one-year training course. In fact, even those that have done a three-year course sometimes find talking a challenge. But the actors that find talking the most difficult are international students – the ones that are only accepted into drama schools because they pay nearly double the fees of everyone else. When we audition these ‘internationals’ we ask them to audition in English, and not their native tongue. And if they can’t do that we just ask them to jump up and down for a bit, dear.

Casting directors will usually have a pool of actors and agents they like to use. These agents are the ones they trust and, most importantly, give them the most expensive presents at Christmas. There are a handful of top agents that certain casting directors use, and only when these agents have been used are other ones approached. These kinds of agents represent a lot of celebrities – and this can be a very useful bargaining tool. If a casting director wants a certain celebrity, the good agent will insist on the casting director seeing another two of their clients. Marvellous if your agent represents Brad Pitt – but not so good if your agent represents Barry from
EastEnders
.

On very rare occasions your agent will surprise you and bring a casting director to your show. This is very useful as it allows you to meet and hopefully impress a casting director you haven’t come across before. Sadly, the main
casting directors will usually be too busy watching
Hollyoaks
to attend, so will send their assistant. And the assistant will only come along to get some free drinks. Invariably the assistant is someone who has no interest in theatre and is solely employed to do admin in the office, so in terms of helping your career is actually pretty useless, unless you need some photocopying doing.