Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (31 page)

Not blinking when acting on screen apparently makes you look more powerful. Personally, I think it makes you look like a robot. Next time you watch a film, observe the actors. You will notice their lack of blinking – particularly in closeups. It is a very strange technique as actors always attempt to be ‘real’ – and in real life, people blink. So why shouldn’t they blink on screen? I often worry for these ‘non-blinking’ actors – as they are preventing their eyelids from doing their natural function of cleaning and lubricating the eyes. Surely these non-blinking actors must spend their entire lives with eye infections? It explains why actors are so good at crying – it has nothing to do with emotional engagement with the character; it’s just that they’ve all got hideous eye diseases caused from a lack of blinking.

Another technique for acting on screen is whispering. You will find that most screen actors whisper at such a low level that no one on set can actually hear what they are saying – apart from the sound guy. Whispering is a very useful tool as it means you don’t actually move the rest of your face very much – giving you a look of subtle intensity. Consequently, there are now a lot of films where you can’t actually hear what is being said. To be honest, this doesn’t really bother me as I always take my iPod to the cinema so I can listen to
Les Mis
anyway. I also did this when I went to the
Les Mis
movie – so I could hear it in stereo.

Worryingly, those screen actors that mumble so inaudibly on screen have now started taking their talent onto our theatre stages. Which is why I always sit in the first five rows when I watch a play. Any further back and I can’t understand a word of what is being said. In my opinion, if they can’t be heard, stop paying them and get Donald Sinden in, dear.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve been on TV, and I’ve done more than you.

Radio and Voice-over Work

There are many actors who, sadly, are not very nice to look at. They may attempt to use copious amounts of make-up and clever arrangements of their hair to hide this fact – but the truth is they will never play the romantic leads. This is why radio drama was invented – so ugly actors can play attractive parts. This is not to say that all voice-over actors are ugly. Of course they aren’t. Some of them are beautiful. But they are just there to give the sound engineer something nice to stare at whilst fiddling with his knobs.

However, this does not mean that actors shouldn’t attempt to look good for voice-over work. An actor must
always
try and look good, whether they are working in radio, television, theatre, or performing in a Goofy costume at Disneyland. They are actors – and it is an actor’s duty to look good.

Radio and voice-over work is also a godsend for lazy actors – as lines don’t need to be learned. In fact, I have often heard that the secret to great voice-over performances is to keep it sounding fresh and real. And for this reason many actors won’t even bother reading the script beforehand, and will have no idea who their character is and what the play is about. Some call this being creative. I call it being bone idle.

Many actors are lucky enough to have a voice-over agent as well as their normal acting agent – which can lead to jealousy, envy and confusion. It is a very difficult thing to broach with your agent – particularly as many agencies now have both acting and voice-over departments. In fact, many agents now represent everything and everyone – actors, comedians, voice-over artists, writers, directors, children, dancers, presenters, plumbers, celebrities, cameramen,
casting directors and designers. There are even agents who represent other agents, dear.

Before turning up for your recording session it is vital you have done sufficient preparation. Always make sure you can pronounce the words correctly – you don’t want to turn up and say ‘enema’ wrong, particularly if the play is about colonic irrigation. I would suggest that you practise saying all difficult words out loud, so that your lips and tongue become accustomed to the feel of them.

There are different ways that radio plays are recorded – some of them are done in isolation booths, some in bigger studios, and some on location. Each has different vocal demands on the performer, but in every case your priority is to say the words clearly and in the correct order. Lots of times you will have the writer sitting in the studio watching you, and writers can get very tetchy when actors try to ‘improve’ the script.

In the final year of drama training, some lucky student actors are chosen to represent their school in the Carleton Hobbs Competition. This contest is run by BBC Radio – and the winner gets a place in their prestigious radio rep company. It is a marvellous opportunity for fresh new talent to gain valuable experience working for one of the best drama companies in the world. But, to be honest, even if you weren’t in the Carleton Hobbs team you might as well say that you were – because everyone else does. It is one of the most common credits on an actor’s CV, dear.

I have often been invited by eager friends to sit in studios and observe the whole voice-over process. And from these sessions I have seen first-hand the kind of mistakes that actors make.

One of the first things you have to be aware of is what you are wearing. There is no point wearing something that rattles or constantly rubs as you move – as this will be picked up by the mic. The microphones are so sensitive – particularly when recording in isolation booths – and because of this, you should also be careful not to snort, burp or fart.
Unless, of course, you don’t like the person who is using the booth after you, dear.

Active hand gestures give the impression of professionalism. No one likes a voice-over artist who just stands there. Clever use of the hands makes everyone think you know exactly what you are doing. And is an excellent distraction from a bad accent. However, you must be careful not to move
too
much – as the microphones may pick it up. It’s a very fine line. Excessive movement should only be used when your character is having an epileptic fit. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be animated, but being animated and jumping up and down like a lunatic are two very different things.

Before your session, try and avoid eating dairy products as this will result in a ‘phlegmy’ performance. I heard about one instance where a spittoon had to be placed in front of an actor – as at the end of every line he had to get rid of excess mucus and lard. Not nice. Although they did make a nice profit by selling bottles of it on eBay to overenthusiastic Tom Baker fans.

The same attention should be paid to coffee. Coffee has a tendency to dry your mouth, which is not helpful when doing a radio recording. Of course, it can be marvellous if you are trying to sound like a water-starved character who has got lost in the desert, but in all other circumstances should be avoided.

You should never alter the script by adding your own dialogue. Whilst this may seem very tempting and make you feel more involved in the process, it puts you in a vulnerable position – because if the eventual recording is rubbish you will get the blame. It is vital that you
never
put yourself in a position where you can be blamed. Always make sure that someone else can be held responsible.

Avoid fiddling with the sound engineer and his buttons. Playing with either can result in permanent hand damage, dear.

Never attempt to move the microphone. This is what the sound engineer is for. And besides, the microphone is far too expensive for an actor to be playing around with. You will have no difficulty spotting the sound engineer. They will be the ones sitting behind the massive mixing desk twiddling with their knobs. As a general rule, they will be wearing an XXL T-shirt and always have a fascination with beautiful women. They are extremely nice people and have the ultimate control of your performance – so it is essential you are friendly to them. If, however, the sound engineer is rude to you, you should start miming halfway through your dialogue. This will cause huge panic, and everyone will think your microphone is broken. Great fun – especially after a long day, dear.

It is always advisable to have lots of interesting topics of conversation up your sleeve. When doing radio and television there will undoubtedly be long periods when you are sitting in a small room with lots of strangers – and this is the time when your social skills come to the fore. There is a general presumption that actors are marvellously confident and always have something interesting to say. This, sadly, is a little fib invented by Stanislavsky to make actors appear more interesting. I would suggest having a good read of a newspaper the day before, or at least scan the front page of
The Stage
so you’ve got a few topical things to talk about. Of course, it is marvellous if you know about – or can invent – a scandal, as this will make your gossip the main point of conversation throughout the day.

When recording, it is also advisable to let people know when you are planning a page turn. Turning a page can be a noisy affair, and if all the actors do it at the same time it produces a thunderous sound of paper shuffling, resulting in unnecessary retakes. If you stumble over some lines, just calmly go back to the beginning and start again. It really is not necessary to swear every time you go wrong, although if you do there is a chance you could end up in the outtakes. Outtakes themselves can be very lucrative – particularly in TV – with actors being paid as much as £500 each time a blooper clip is
used. Some actors, of course, will use this money as an incentive to go wrong as often as possible. If you spot an actor going wrong for this reason they will usually have a rather large tax bill to pay.