Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (34 page)
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Authors: West End Producer
Actors – writing, directing, producing and acting in your own show does not make you talented. It makes you schizophrenic, dear.
A career in theatre does not guarantee wealth or fame. It just guarantees a career of joy, passion, and fun in the dark, dear.
How to Know When You’ve ‘Made It’
Throughout your career there will be moments when you feel successful and moments when you feel like a worthless nobody. It is inevitable. And is to be expected in a business that is constantly changing. No actor is permanently in work and, indeed, an actor who is deemed famous one year may be forgotten about by the next. It can be harsh, brutal, and downright annoying.
The joy of the business is that at any time your life could change in an instant. You could one day find yourself waltzing into an audition, impressing the panel, and being offered the job of Superman in the forthcoming remake of the remake. And then you are set! Suddenly you are working, you are earning big bucks, and all of your ex-lovers regret dumping you. It is a magnificent feeling. And one which can make years of hardship seem worthwhile.
However, it is vital that you have actually ‘made it’ before you start behaving like a star and spending all your money in The Ivy, The Groucho and Pizza Express. If you are unsure, here are some telltale signs:
• | You are allowed into the theatre after the half-hour call. |
• | Your name is on all the publicity material. |
• | You are asked to do radio and television interviews. |
| • | The musical director is happy to change the key of a song for you. |
• | It is not expected that you will attend the company warm-up. |
• | You get dressing room number 1. |
• | Members of the ensemble laugh at all of your jokes. |
• | You will be able to sleep with any of the front-of-house team. |
• | You can give notes to the rest of the company. |
• | The company manager is nice to you. |
• | You will never be expected to sing harmony lines. |
• | The producer will know your name. |
The AA called. They’re starting a new kind of insurance – Actors’ Advance. It protects me if I employ a bad one, dear.
Surviving
It is hard enough trying to survive in any business in the present climate – but surviving as an actor is harder still. It is one of the most competitive jobs in the world, and everyone wants to get to the top. The business is constantly changing – and to survive in it, you must too. I’d like to offer some simple, yet rather effective survival tips.
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| Survival Tips | | |
| • | Never try and be too different. Whilst I’m sure you were told at drama school to make sure you ‘stand out’, you should always make sure you don’t stand out | |
| • | Be careful who you get drunk with. There’s no point making a complete ass of yourself in front of the most important casting director in London. Unless they are buying you lots of drinks – in which case you should go for it. But always be on your guard. Don’t talk about your acting roles too much, and never break into a drunken chorus of ‘Stars’. Chances are you won’t do yourself, or the song, any justice. Unless you are Russell Crowe. Then it doesn’t really matter. | |
| • | It is your career, so control it. There’s no point auditioning to be a costume character at Disneyland if you actually want to work for the RSC (unless, of course, you want to sleep with Minnie Mouse). Plan your career, and imagine what kind of CV you want to have. Only do those jobs that you have a genuine desire to do. Don’t do them just because your agent wants you to. It is | |
| • | Be prepared for those times when you are not acting. This is the hardest part of being an actor. You can feel miserable, unwanted, ugly – and poor! But don’t | |
| • | But what to do when you are feeling down? Well, I suggest this: do a lunge, or a ball-change, or simply display your jazz hands for the world to see. It’s amazing what a spontaneous jazz hand can do to lift your mood. And indeed not only | |
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You are a performer. But you are also a person. And everyone finds it hard sometimes. And I, for one, admire each and every one of you. So keep striving, keep learning, and keep smiling, dear.
Actors – if you are struggling, an easy way to success is by changing your surname to Strallen, dear.
The Future
Theatre is currently in a very good place. The West End is flourishing and touring shows are doing exceptional business. It really is remarkable. My only concern is the ridiculous increase in ticket prices.
It’s perfectly clear why this happens. Making theatre is risky. And making theatre that actually makes a profit is rare. This is a big misconception about theatre. Producers aren’t all millionaires, sadly. It is a difficult business. What works one year will not work the next. Even transferring a hit show from Broadway doesn’t necessarily mean it will be a hit in the West End – and vice versa. It is a hard business – and even before a show actually makes it to the stage, sometimes it is best to pull out, even if this means losing thousands of pounds.