Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (14 page)

Please remember – the interval is not the intercourse, dear.

And here we are, at the interval.

The interval is a marvellous time. A time when ice cream is consumed, bladders are emptied and alcohol is funnelled into welcoming livers. It is a time when couples argue about whether they remembered to record
Corrie
, and drama students take bets on which of the dancers they will snog in the pub afterwards.

It is also the time when eager, excitable, and educated folk enjoy perusing the theatre programme. Generally, theatre programmes offer a little bit of interesting information about the show, interspersed with lots of adverts and pointless information that has nothing to do with anything whatsoever. However, they always include little photos of the actors so that you can spend the rest of the evening figuring out who is playing which part.

If you are unable to read you have the option of spending approximately £10 on a souvenir brochure. These large folders of fun contain lots of big, colourful photos of the actors and creative team acting, rehearsing and laughing at the fact that people pay so much for this silly bit of merchandise.

There now follows some interval entertainment for you to read at your leisure, dear
.

Disclaimer
: I must state, to protect myself and my family, that this secret was shared with me one evening whilst I was drinking a ludicrous amount of Dom. It is not a factual story and, in truth, was entirely made up. Any well-known personalities mentioned in this passage are mentioned merely for a bit of fun. It is not to be taken seriously. (Hopefully this will prevent me from being taken to court for libel.) All that being said – the story made me laugh. So I had to share it.

The Theatre Mafia

There is a legend about London’s organised crime ring that, until now, has not been voiced. It fills me with fear and trepidation to share these findings – but I feel now the time is right.

London’s Mafia has always been well-guarded. Over the years, getting involved and surviving has always been a deadly business. If you found yourself dealing with them, or crossing them in any way, then you were lucky to survive. It is a family, a unit, and one of the most powerful untouched organisations working in the world today.

Over the last forty years, the Mafia has been working under a different territory – using different tactics and masquerading as something you would never imagine. They have been meticulous in the way they have developed, and are enshrined in an inner circle of mystery and suspicion.

In the late sixties, London’s organised crime ring changed. Everyone predicted something big was going to happen when the Kray Twins went down. It was a scary time – people had to keep their heads low until they knew what was going on. And what was going on was very smart indeed.

At the end of 1969, a man of huge charisma and passion decided it was time to use his considerable influence and powers of persuasion to make a change in London. Since his
childhood he knew that he needed to control the capital. He had a master plan, a stroke of genius. Something that would allow him to control areas of the city bit by bit, without anyone having the faintest idea. He was the most unlikely candidate for the job – cleverly posing as an outsider. He was an underdog, a fighter, a rebel with a cause. And a theatrical genius.

He was Cameron Mackintosh.

On money which he raised from various bank jobs, Mackintosh began funding small-scale theatre tours. It was a cunning way to start. He hung around with up-and-coming celebrities who would become his friends. These celebs would eventually vouch for him, support him, and become part of his Mafia family. Once word spread of this eager, young and charismatic man, people started to take notice. His powerful connections increased, and his name was whispered in all the right places – underground stations and Soho brothels.

It was in the early seventies that his slow bid to run London really started to develop. He produced a few short musicals, some of which were not successful – but this didn’t matter. It was just a ruse so he had a legitimate business to hide his underworld finances. It was all going very well. His family and criminal racket were starting to take over areas of London by running theatres. This allowed him to form close partnerships with powerful entertainment bosses, young eager actors and local prostitutes. His influence was growing.

However, in the years that followed a rival ‘Boss’ came onto the scene – Andrew Lloyd Webber. Lloyd Webber had heard of Mackintosh – and was using the same theatrical tactics to take over London’s crime world. Lloyd Webber became very well known in the late sixties due to the popular success of
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoa
t (a musical about a boy who takes over the family business with the use of a brightly coloured anorak). The show was a huge success – and with his ‘silent but deadly’ henchman Tim Rice, Lloyd Webber began making his mark.

But Lloyd Webber’s success didn’t go down well with Mackintosh – and after minutes of fury and worry he decided the best thing was to combine powers. So after a rather messy fist fight in The Windmill Club – the two decided to become one – heralding the birth of the UK’s biggest ever crime ring: The Really Useful Mackintosh.

The aim was simple. Have a succession of hit musicals, become close with London’s elite, own theatres throughout London, and have an army of superhuman actors. Owning the venues was the main objective, because it gave criminal gangs and fellow Mafia bosses the perfect place to hide. But the biggest advantage of all was having London actors at their beck and call. Actors who were prepared to do anything. Actors who would be their army.

But, of course, this army needed training. It was no good having an army of pretty dancers who could only pirouette and ball-change in front of rival gangs. No. These actors had to be specially trained, and equipped with survival skills and dirty fighting tactics. They had to be quick-witted and violent. They had to be threatening to opponents. They had to be real
triple threats
. And what better place for them to be trained than at drama school. The top London schools were now being financed by Lloyd Webber and Mackintosh – and this was the reason why.

Obviously the staff at these schools were involved (the name Mackintosh only had to be mentioned and they wept with fear), and because the students were eager to please it was the perfect cover. These actors would be skilled performers; they would sing, dance, act… and kill. That is exactly the purpose of stage-combat classes. It’s not for the stage – it’s for gang life.

With their army and influence rising it was time for their first big venture together. So, in the early eighties, Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber collaborated on the show
Cats
. Originally the show was just a whim of an idea because Lloyd Webber wanted to see Brian Blessed in a lycra catsuit. But as rehearsals developed they realised they were onto something which was going to be very special indeed.

Although rehearsals were rather erratic, and several members of the cast were threatened by competing gangs, things moved steadily forward. Mackintosh had employed one of the biggest ‘heavies’ in London to direct the show – knowing full well that if any other producer or gang stepped into the rehearsal room then this criminal boss would take them down. This director was on the run from the FBI and CIA, but had cleverly managed to disguise himself in two-tone denim and outrageous beard growth. Nowadays he goes by the name of Trevor ‘Shooter’ Nunn. Back then he was well known for killing actors who didn’t understand his method, and castrating men so they could play girls in his Shakespeare productions.

The marvellous thing about Trevor was the respect he commanded – which complemented Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber perfectly. With Trevor in charge of
Cats
and drama schools producing the triple-threat army there would be no stopping them.

Nunn had been very shrewd in his casting of
Cats
– getting some of the toughest and most violent actors around. He had enlisted Bonnie ‘Three Kills’ Langford, Brian ‘Squasher’ Blessed and Elaine ‘Pillaging’ Paige. Not to mention the scariest of them all – Wayne ‘The Silencer’ Sleep. Add to that the most aggressive ensemble of dancers ever and
Cats
was a show not to be messed with.

Of course, everyone knows the story of Judi Dench famously having to leave
Cats
due to a ‘torn Achilles tendon’. But that’s just what was told to the press. In reality, Judi got on the wrong side of Trevor when she refused to partake in the company ‘cat workshop’ – which involved eating cat-food and using a litter tray for a week. Judi wasn’t keen on the idea, and Trevor responded in the only fashion he knew – violence. Bless Judi. Although she was lucky. If Trevor had been
really
angry she wouldn’t be with us today.

As a personal favour to Tim Rice, Trevor agreed to give the gig to Tim’s favourite Soho girl – Elaine Paige. This was actually an excellent bit of casting as Elaine was the best
pussy in the business, and her performance is talked about even today.

After what seemed like years of rehearsals,
Cats
opened to huge success. It was the first musical of its kind and, along with Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber’s other shows, made them millions. Now they had success, money, whole theatre districts, and an acting army. They were ready to take over London completely. Until an unexpected Willy came on the scene.

Willy Russell was a man who had a different drive to Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber. He didn’t particularly want his musical, that was being hugely successful on tour, to transfer to the West End. He felt that the West End of London wasn’t his turf. But on hearing about the gang warfare, and Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber’s bid to control London, he knew he had to do something. Being from Liverpool, Willy had already fought and won his fare share of battles – and was prepared to take on the might of these two criminal barbarians.

Blood Brothers
was a show that Willy had written in 1982 – and was being very well received in the provinces. Lloyd Webber and Mackintosh had heard about Willy’s reputation – and were justifiably afraid. Willy came with the same reputation as Trevor. They both had impressive facial hair. They both had style. They both had talent. But only one of them was from Liverpool. And that terrified Mackintosh.

The problem was that Mackintosh desired control of every single theatre in London. If a new person competed, and won one of the venues, then his reputation would be tarnished for ever.

If anyone was going to do it – it was Willy.

However, Willy knew that he couldn’t take on the might and force of the Really Useful Mackintosh on his own, so he enlisted the help of another upcoming producer – Bill Kenwright. Kenwright had taken an interest in Willy for some time. He had actually been trying to convince Willy to bring
Blood Brothers
into London for years – but Willy had never
felt the time was right. But the time was right now for their partnership – a partnership to try and save London’s theatreland. Willy and Billy were ready.

One dark evening in the spring of 1983, Willy and Billy entered Dean Street with Barbara Dickson at their side. Willy was clutching the vocal score of
Blood Brothers
. Mackintosh and Lloyd Webber were at the other end of Dean Street with Elaine Paige, each of them holding the
Evita
vocal score. It was the start of the biggest theatrical war in history.