Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (5 page)

The Dance Audition

I’m a big admirer of actors who can dance. It is a discipline I have never mastered myself; indeed, the closest thing I can do that even slightly resembles dancing is a few ball-changes. And even then I get all my balls mixed up, dear.

When auditioning for a dance show, the panel are on the lookout for highly skilled and bendy dancers. Personally, I love nothing more than watching a good tap routine, or a dancer who can get their leg over their shoulder and hold it there long enough for us to stare at their groin region. It really is thrilling. However, many choreographers I know are far more interested in skill, technique, charisma and personality. The secret to dancing is making it look easy. If you can do a triple pirouette, peel a potato, balance an ensemble member on your forehead and look relaxed all at the same time, you will never be out of work. And, indeed, those times when you are out of work you will be able to get some well-paid specialised dancing work in Soho.

Dance auditions are pretty straightforward affairs. We generally cram as many dancers as possible into a room the size of a telephone box and make them copy the choreographer. As a rule, this session will be taken by the choreographer’s assistant – allowing the actual choreographer to sit behind a table and touch himself. It is a lot safer having the assistants run these auditions as they tend to be far more talented than the choreographers themselves.

The dance will be taught – and everyone will be expected to remember it instantly. If you are one of those people who find it hard to pick up moves, you will be told that it doesn’t matter and will be given more time. Of course, this is a lie – because in dance, speed is essential (unless you’ve been on a reality TV show, in which case, we’ll just make everyone else dance around you).

Never stand at the back of the room during a dance call. If you do, you will not have a very good view of the choreography, and will inevitably start copying the person in front of
you – who will be making it up. Standing at the back also gives the impression that you are scared. Never let the audition panel know that you are scared. Unless Louie Spence is running the audition. Then I’d be scared too, dear.

Having been taught the dance, and practised it a few times, you will be split into groups and asked to perform the choreography. If you are smart you will have been looking around the room to spot which dancers are the worst and planted yourself in the middle of them. This increases your chances of looking good.

After performing the set choreography you may be asked to show us some ‘freestyle’. This means doing some dance moves of your own – with the aim of showing your skills to the best of your ability. If ever the choreographer tells you that they are looking for ‘style’ and not ‘tricks’, do not believe them. We are
always
looking for tricks. If you can do some neat headstands, belly flops, or simply dazzle us with some impressive magic tricks, you will always get a recall. Never be shy. Show off!

Sometimes we rename the ‘dance call’ and call it the ‘movement call’. This is to make actors who are not very confident at dancing come along. The term ‘movement’ sounds a lot less threatening than ‘dance’, and implies that all that is required is some stretches and silly jumping around. In truth, however, the choreography in a movement call is exactly the same as that of a dance call, only slightly slower.

If you have done enough to impress us – and get offered the job in a dance show, then you have to be clever. If you want an easy few months in the show, you should not offer too many tricks or anything difficult in the first few weeks of rehearsals. This will ensure the choreographer puts you at the back and gives you the simpler stuff. Of course, the same applies to physical-theatre pieces – never offer too much. You always have to think about the effect of doing the same thing night after night after night.

It may sound absurd me advising you to look after yourself – but to be honest I suggest it for purely selfish reasons. The
main one being that it can get bloody expensive paying for actors to go to a physio or massage therapist every week due to an injury sustained during the show. I would much prefer you did something a little easier on your body so it avoids me the unnecessary expense of having to pay for your body to be realigned. Of course, if you have an injury as a direct result of the show we will always look after you and make sure you return to the world in the same condition as when we stole you from it.

However, if you have a pre-existing condition, we are not obliged to look after that part of your body. For example, I heard of a young man in
Avenue Q
who constantly complained about his hand and wrist being in severe pain due to the puppets – so he was duly booked in to see a physiotherapist. Two weeks later a colleague revealed that this actor had the same injury on every single job he did, and that it had nothing to do with the puppets – he just used to spend an awful lot of time touching his naughty bits. And as much as I understand the temptation to do this, I refuse to pay for self-induced kinky injuries of this sort.

Actors – to be viewed as an actor-musician in auditions, take a trumpet, blow hard, and hope for the best, dear.

The Informal Chat

At the end of your audition we will have a little chat about what you’ve been up to recently. This is your chance to tell us all about yourself, ask questions, and allows my casting director to find out if you’re gay.

When we ask what you’ve been doing recently, we’re not enquiring about your recent holiday or stamp collection. We’re actually asking about your last few acting jobs. And if you haven’t done any recent acting jobs then just say you’re
in the process of devising a piece about cottage cheese or something. It makes you sound a lot more interesting, dear.

And finally, when you leave the audition – please be careful never to slam the door. That’s very dangerous as it could wake me up.

Bad Audition Habits

There are lots of obvious things that actors should avoid doing in an audition, like turning up drunk and or turning up late. But there are also some less obvious steps that should be considered. One of them is what to wear.

Men

Never wear trousers that are too thin. Today’s fashion sense astounds me. I do not understand why people with bandy, breakable legs would want every inch of their twiglet calves to be shown. It is most upsetting. I tend to sit behind my table thanking the lord that my own trousers allow my legs to breathe. Similarly, it is not good highlighting your panty region, no matter how big your appendage appears to be. When watching a lovely rendition of ‘Martin Guerre’, it is never nice to see an auditionee’s testicles retract on the high G at the end. That’s a big no-no, dear.

I would advise men to wear smart-casual clothing that is loose and allows you to move well (by ‘loose’, I don’t mean having your jeans halfway down your legs – I have no interest in seeing your underwear). If your outfit can make you look a little like the role you are up for then this is beneficial, as it makes the casting director’s job easier. For example, if you are coming in for the role of Jean Valjean I would recommend a nice beard, a loaf of bread, and some ripped, dirty clothes. And if you are up for Javert it would be nice to see your truncheon.

It is advisable to wear a scarf or theatrical cravate when auditioning for roles at the RSC and National. They love that sort of thing, dear.

I would also suggest you show the panel as many different ‘looks’ as you have. So if you have glasses, wear them at the beginning of your audition and take them off halfway through. A subtler way of showing us your ‘glasses face’ is by putting them on when reading the script. Also, for women, if your hair is long, tie it in a bun at the beginning, and then let it flow beautifully down at some point. If gentlemen are particularly keen to impress, they can start an audition with a beard, and shave it off during their first song.

Women

I don’t mind you wearing heels, but please don’t wear heels that totally change the way you look. I saw an actress once who walked like she was auditioning to be a one-legged pirate. When I asked her if she’d be more comfortable with her shoes off she said, ‘No. My heels give me confidence.’ On her CV it said she was four foot two; in her heels she looked like an Amazonian she-male.

I would advise women, like men, to wear smart-casual clothing. If you want to get more dressed up I would only suggest this on your first audition, as the second one usually involves more movement. You should always make sure that your hair is tied back, or at least make sure it’s not hiding your face (unless you are using your hair to cover up a particularly violent spot). Also avoid wearing too much jewellery as it distracts my casting director, who will spend the entire audition wondering where you got it from. It is especially important that you don’t wear big hoop earrings, particularly for a dance audition, as they make you look like a TV aerial, and we don’t want someone getting caught up in them and ripping your ear off. It is also useful to wear a skirt that is adjustable, so if you spot the director staring at
your legs you can lift your skirt a little and tease. Obviously this technique is a little naughty, but can have delicious results if you are creative. I remember an audition where a cheeky actress lifted her skirt slightly to reveal her headshot which was stuck to her thigh. Sadly she didn’t get the job. But she did get a rather rewarding workshop with the director that evening, dear.

So, in retrospect, my main pieces of advice when auditioning are: don’t drink, don’t shout, don’t dance, don’t wink at me, don’t wear tight trousers or high heels, don’t smile too much, and always wash your hands. Basically – be professional and be yourself. After all, it is a job interview, dear.

Getting an Offer

The highlight of an actor’s life is getting the job. Sadly, it’s all downhill from there. Being offered a job validates you as an actor. You feel wanted, important, successful and powerful. And so you should. It’s difficult getting any job these days – particularly an acting one. There is nothing as marvellous as being told by your agent that ‘You’ve got an offer.’ And always remember that. This is the one time when you have some power. The casting director, director, and me, the producer, want
you
. We need
you
to help make the show work.

When you receive an offer you have some bargaining power. The first thing to do is consider if you actually want the role. If you’ve been through the pain and suffering of the audition process I can only imagine you must at least be interested in the show. If you are one of those actors that just go to auditions to meet the casting director regardless of whether you want the job or not – take it from me: don’t bother. Nothing will anger a casting director, director and producer more than if you go through five auditions only for us to find out that you weren’t interested in the first place. It is infuriating, and can lead to severe rumours about your
professionalism and your personal life spreading around every casting department in the West End.

Hopefully you will be ecstatic about being offered the role. However, we never expect actors to accept the job straight away. Their agent will usually play ‘hard to get’ for the next few weeks – and tell us that their client is ‘considering the role’ or has ‘been offered something else so is weighing up the options’. This is all well and good – but we’re not stupid. We’re perfectly aware that your agent is just telling us a silly little lie to make you sound popular. Which can be dangerous. Because if you ‘weigh up’ my offer for too long, you might as well forget it. I know many actors who have had offers withdrawn because of the ridiculous games that agents play with us.