Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (29 page)

Actors should always be nice to casting directors, as they are some of the most important people in the business. In fact, it could be argued that they are the
most
important people. They decide who is going to be seen for an audition – and, more importantly, who is
not
going to be seen. Casting directors tend to have rather good memories, so if you keep doing bad auditions they will remember, and only call you in when they are trying to fill up the numbers.

Different Types of Casting Directors

The corpse
sits behind their desk and stares blankly at you no matter what you are doing. They will not speak, and only smile if the director forces them too. They will occasionally look down at their laptop and give the appearance of making notes – but in actual fact are just searching the internet for porn.

The enthusiast
is great fun. They are genuinely very excited to see everyone, and will always do their best to make everyone feel comfortable. If you say something funny, they will laugh like it’s the funniest thing they have ever heard. And if you sing well they will give you a standing ovation. But be warned. If you are bad, they will mark you off in their little black book and they will never see you ever again.

The musical-theatre casting director
is either a middle-aged gay man or an elegant older woman. They cast all the big musicals in town, and between them decide which actors will be appearing in the West End. They are hugely influential, and some of them also help in the production side of things – so are very important to please. Always be
careful that you don’t get on the bad side of any of them, as the word will quickly spread between them. Even though they all work for different producers, most of them are good friends. Some of them even go on holiday together and spend days relaxing by the pool in their respective musical-theatre thongs.

Actors – please remember: the director is always right, unless the producer says they’re not, dear.

Producers

Producers are the nicest people in the business. They are honest businesspeople who are involved in entertainment because they love everything about it, and have a genuine desire to create wonderful work. And they are always extremely good looking. Oh sorry – that’s just me!

Sadly, not all producers are lovely and beautiful, but most of them certainly share something in common: a huge passion for theatre. A theatre producer oversees all aspects of mounting a theatre production. They find the script and option the show from the playwright, oversee the casting process, select a director and creative team, and secure funds for the production. Sometimes, if a show is small, the financing can be done entirely by the main producer, but this is rare. We usually bring investors in to the production in a limited partnership agreement, who all help finance the show together.

Different Types of Producers

The
producer
has their name above the title of the show on posters. They are the main people who finance the production and have overseen most aspects of putting it on.
You can tell how successful a producer is by the type of coat they are wearing. A denim jacket from ASDA means they are new and young at producing, and tend to concentrate on new work. A luxurious mink coat means they are doing very well indeed and possibly own some theatres in the West End.

The
associate producer
will be involved in the production in a significant way – perhaps by finding the star, the venue for the show, or even discovering the show itself. They will again be involved in the whole process of creating the show, but will not be overseeing it like the lead producer. You can always spot the associate producer as they are the person frantically frowning and flapping their arms behind the main producer, who has a tendency to ignore them.

An
assistant producer
tends to be a lot younger, and do many jobs ranging from organising rehearsal spaces to clipping the main producer’s toenails.

I am often asked, ‘How do you decide on what show to produce? Is it the script, the music, the venue, or the stars?’ Truthfully, it is all of those things – mixed with a strong feeling in my gut. If my gut tells me that a show has something special and will have mass appeal, I will be extremely interested. However, my ‘gut’ method becomes unreliable when I eat pasta as I get bloated. So I never make important decisions after lunch, dear.

One of the most important things I consider is subject matter; what the show is about. There is no point in me producing anything that would only interest twenty people and their dogs. The show has to have a theme and story that will move and touch a huge number of people. And crucially it has to interest them enough to make them buy a ticket. I have been involved in many shows that have gone through an initial development stage, had money pumped into them, only for them to be deemed ‘not quite right’ at the last minute. When this is the case it is far better to lose the few thousand already spent, than invest millions more into a show that will eventually never even cover costs.

The name of the show is also very important. As silly as it sounds, if a show doesn’t have a catchy title then no one will go and watch it. That’s why I avoid shows that have the words ‘bottom’, ‘poo’ and ‘love never dies’ in the title. Shows that have a well-known title, or are a stage version of a film or television series are already interesting to an audience as they are recognisable (as long as that show isn’t
Eldorado
or
Crossroads
). By the same token, many of the new jukebox musicals do so well as they already have a tailor-made audience – and are guaranteed to sell lots of tickets to the pre-existing fan base.

Finances are obviously hugely important. As well as the start-up money – which can be anywhere from £350,000 to £500,000 for plays, and around £5 million plus for big musicals – you have to have money in reserve to keep the show going. To give you a rough idea, weekly running costs can be £150,000 upwards (more if it’s a big musical), which includes approximately £35,000 for contractors. There is no guarantee that the show will sell out, or even cover running costs to begin with, so it is vital to have money in the bank to keep it running for a period of time. This is essential, as it allows word of mouth to spread, which eventually equates to ticket sales. There is a saying, ‘The shorter the run, the higher the gamble’, dear.

Of course, there are ways to make the money back – by touring shows after they have had a stint in the West End. Shows often sell much better on tour, and many shows that don’t sell in London are big box-office hits out of town. This is largely because the West End and the touring circuit are aimed at two very different audiences. In London, you are aiming a show at tourists and theatre devotees, whilst on tour you are selling it to each community and catchment area. In reality, in a lot of these areas it is a lot cheaper for someone to visit their local theatre than paying for the expense of travelling to London, staying overnight and watching a show – so the lure of going to a local theatre is a lot stronger. I always feel enthusiastic about touring successful work from London to as many regional theatres as possible.

To be honest, it is new work that excites me the most. I adore the thrill of discovering and experiencing new shows – they are extremely important in keeping theatre current and moving it forward. But the main problem with new work is that it is new! And that is an extra challenge: selling new work to an audience who have no idea what the product actually is. When an audience go to see
We Will Rock You
they know they are going to be ‘entertained’ by Queen songs. If they’ve never heard of the songs before, or are not familiar with the composer, it takes a lot more convincing for them to purchase a ticket. Obviously, one way of dealing with this problem is by generating a lot of buzz.

Every successful show will have been marketed well. It is essential that a show looks and sounds attractive to the general public even before they know what it is about. This involves securing lots of press coverage, interviews for the actors on TV and radio, and huge amounts of promotional materials (flyers, posters, websites, women with the show’s logo tattooed onto their bottoms). And, very importantly, the main image that is associated with the show has to be powerful and instantly recognisable. If any of the above isn’t handled correctly, a show doesn’t stand much chance of reaching its target audience – and consequently it won’t sell. Which is not good for my Dom supply, dear.

There’s going to be a new boy band soon made up entirely of voice teachers. One Diction.

Actors – please remember: the tooth fairy is not an acting fairy. Leaving your headshot and CV under a pillow will not result in cash. Or an acting job, dear.

Headshots vs Headshits

According to a very dear actor friend, one of the most annoying things an agent can say is ‘You need new headshots.’ This is a standard phrase agents use when they’ve got nothing better to say – which is most of the time. It is never comforting to learn that your headshots are the one thing stopping you taking the theatrical world by storm. Most actors believe the reason they get a job is because of their talent, their work ethic, their professionalism, their CV, their voice – but many agents will convince you it’s solely because of your headshot. This is pure fiction, although a good headshot will certainly help you get noticed.

Over the years I have seen thousands of headshots, particularly during castings. And I have come to the conclusion that there are actually two types: the Headshot and the Headshit. Headshots appear on Spotlight, your website, your agent’s website, in theatre programmes, and in frames around your mother’s house.

Walking into an audition looking nothing like your headshot is an absurd waste of everyone’s time – and this is when your headshot becomes known as your head
shit
. It is no good having a photo that makes you look beautiful and interesting when in fact you are ugly and boring. Because eventually we will need someone who is ugly and boring! The purpose of a headshot is to sell
you
, so it has to be a true likeness.
There is no point having a headshot that was taken ten years ago – unless you are Arlene Phillips, as she doesn’t age.

I recently heard a story about an actor who was invited to audition for the role of Oliver Twist because his headshot looked so perfect. But the actor who walked into the room was in his late fifties – the silly man hadn’t changed his headshot since he was fourteen. However, in this instance, Rowan Atkinson was very lucky as they were still looking for a Fagin, dear.

A good headshot will be a close-up of your face that conveys your character and personality. Of course, you can have a selection of headshots – and this is useful, as it allows us to see all of your different looks. However, this does not mean you should have a headshot of you dressed as a woman, a man, an alien, a dog or Robert Downey Jnr. All the photos need to be of you,
as y0u
. I don’t want a headshot of you blacked up from the recent revival of the
Black and White Minstrel Show
. For one thing it won’t look like you. And for another thing, it’s racist.

So, what do we look for in a good headshot? Firstly, it should be a nice open shot that shows your whole face. And secondly, it shouldn’t make you look gormless. Unless you are gormless. In which case a gormless shot is perfect. Personally, I like headshots that are interesting and honest. My casting director likes headshots that are cute and boyish. But take no notice of him, dear.

If you are wondering how best to pose for your next headshot session, here is a practical guide to what you should be aiming for:

A straight acting headshot
– Look serious. Have stubble. And floppy hair.

A musical-theatre headshot
– Smile. Show your teeth. And cleavage (if you can fit it into shot).

A children’s TV-presenter headshot
– Do the biggest smile that is humanly possible. Show your teeth. Look quirky. And fondle a small child.

A film actor’s headshot
– Imagine you are smelling a fart. Pull your cheeks in. Pout. And look good.

If you are unhappy with your headshots you have two alternatives. Have new ones taken. Or have plastic surgery.

Some theatre companies have their own preferred type of headshot. For example, the National Theatre likes headshots displaying pitted skin and curly hair, the Donmar likes headshots that are cross-eyed and contain a monobrow, and all the male musical-theatre casting directors in the West End like headshots of pretty young men.

It’s very naughty but my casting director will call people in just because of how good looking their headshot makes them. Whilst I don’t completely agree with this, it does give us something to look forward to after lunch.

If your agent recommends a specific headshot photographer, they will undoubtedly have seen each other naked.

Some photographers charge ludicrous amounts of money – up to £1,000 in some cases. Is it worth it? Of course it isn’t. Photographers are very clever, and will offer free sessions to celebrities so they can use their headshots in advertising. Just because a photographer has taken a photo of Noel Edmonds playing with Mr Blobby it doesn’t mean they are any good. I never understand why poor actors want to spend hundreds of pounds on a set of new headshot photos when they can’t even afford to eat at Pizza Express.

The only difference between expensive headshot photographers and cheaper ones is that the expensive ones have nicer houses. I understand that many people think a good photographer will have a nice studio, put you at ease, and catch you at your most natural. This is a very valid point. But I can
make anyone feel relaxed by plying them with alcohol. Also, you can go to any public park to have an outdoor headshot – and use the public lavatories as the setting for indoor shots – both of which are free, and rather kinky.

In truth, for £400 you could buy yourself a good camera, find a discreet area of your bedroom and get your partner to take some photos. It may take a while for them to figure out how to turn the thing on, but once they have, they’re sure to take at least a couple of useable shots.

Websites vs Webshites

It has recently become increasingly important for actors to have personal websites. Indeed, many agents now insist on it. Websites are marvellous tools in selling yourself, connecting with others and increasing the public awareness of you. And, just like a sexually transmitted disease round the cast of
Mamma Mia!
, they can spread like wildfire, dear.

Your website should be eye-catching, informative and show lots of different photos of you in and out of role. It should allow someone to get a true representation of you as a performer – and should work as a perfect marketing tool. Because the internet is now such a huge part of our everyday lives, the importance of your website is paramount. Obviously, it is not the end of the world if you don’t have one – but I think in time they will become as essential as your Equity subscription.

A good website will show your CV, your voicereel and showreel, a gallery, headshots, a biog and your contact details. Of course, it is advisable not to have your own personal mobile number on display – unless you want to be plagued with calls by sweaty young fans and casting directors. It’s best to have your agent’s details on your website. This way your agent gets to deal with those nagging phone calls from your mother when you’ve forgotten your niece’s birthday.

Make your website nice and easy to navigate around – there is nothing worse than spending half an hour
attempting
to find your CV or headshot. In the end we will simply give up. My casting director frequently spends time Googling actors he is auditioning – during their actual audition. It is a very naughty habit, but I must say some of the half-naked images we find on Facebook do make you more likely to get a recall.

One of the biggest mistakes I have seen on websites is when actors give their thoughts on acting and the reason why they created certain characters. This is a classic feature of a web
shite
, as no one apart from you cares about how you reached your final performance – usually it will have been based on what frock you were wearing anyway. Of course, Antony Sher has spent a lifetime writing and recording his various methods and artistic endeavours, but people have only put up with that because it keeps him quiet.

The idea of actors’ websites came over from America, as did the colour headshot. American actors tend to be very good and proactive at selling themselves. In the UK, actors feel more intimidated about putting themselves out there for fear of looking desperate. Sadly there is a feeling that you shouldn’t push yourself too much, but I am inclined to disagree. It just depends on
how
you intend to push yourself. There is no point sending death threats to casting directors and directors. Those should only be sent to other actors who are up for the same role as you, dear.

Twitter and YouTube

Both Twitter and YouTube have suddenly become an important part of an actor’s life. They are great marketing tools, and can aid you in promoting yourself and the work you are in. There are even some producers and directors who will check your number of Twitter followers and YouTube channel subscribers – as it is a good indicator of how popular you are. Again, it comes down to the simple business of getting
‘bums on seats’. If you are an actor with 10,000 Twitter followers, you are more likely to get the job than an actor with only 100. Who you are, and how many people know who you are, regrettably becomes more important by the year, dear.

If you can only attract half a dozen followers, it might be better to get out and leave Twitter to the experts…