Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (25 page)
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Authors: West End Producer
Equity diary
– You’ve paid for it, so you might as well use the bloody thing, dear.
Pills
– It is to be expected that at some point on tour an actor will get ill. And if one actor gets ill, all of them will. So
it is very wise to have a hearty and healthy supply of drugs on you at all times. I would suggest taking something for most eventualities – coughs, flu, vomiting, headaches, malaria, whooping cough, gonorrhoea and snake poisoning. However, it is always wise to keep your medical supply a secret otherwise you will quickly turn into the company pharmacy, or even worse, the company pusher.
Actors – going through your lines on a bus does not count as a national tour.
Embracing Different Stages
Touring can be very disorientating. Not only will you be staying in many different hotels and digs, but you will also be performing in many different venues. This can be at once a wonderful experience, but also a wholly dizzying one. The best way to combat this is by embracing each stage as though it is a new lover. Just like exploring a new body, a new space has weaknesses, beauty spots, and most importantly, G-spots.
Every stage has a G-spot. This is the erogenous zone of the stage; an area which can be at once highly sensitive yet hugely powerful. When you know what a stage’s G-spot feels like, you will be able to locate it quickly, and instantly use it to your advantage. Some practitioners don’t even acknowledge that it exists, that they have no scientific proof that it aids a performance. But over the years I have seen the effect of this spot on actors and audiences – and have been blown away by its tremendous power.
The way to find a stage’s G-spot is firstly to enter the auditorium and view the stage from every level and angle. The point of this is to find the place on stage where you will always be visible. This area will be a few feet wide and somewhere near the centre – but, depending on the specific shape of the stage, it is always in a slightly different location.
Once you have identified this location you should head on stage and stand in it. Then look out into the auditorium and imagine it is full of people. As you do this, breathe deeply and begin chanting some of your lines. Do a little bit of walking around in this area and continue chanting. At some point you will experience an exhilarating sensation – a sensation where you feel a release, where your whole voice sounds freer and more powerful than it ever has before. When you find this place you should carry on speaking and breathing, repeating your lines until you can no more. You may feel like you are going to lose control at any moment. This is perfectly natural – it is the natural state of drama taking over your body. As you keep repeating your lines you will eventually feel so overwhelmed with a sensation of euphoria that you will know you have found the stage’s G-spot.
That night during your performance you should try and touch the G-spot as often as possible. It will make you feel alive, and you will reach a whole new level of performance. However, you must be careful not to spend too much time on it – as this can cause the inexperienced actor to lose control, and end up in a gibbering heap. Like any truly great technique, you have to know when to stop. Ideally, you should start gently by teasing it, and then slowly increase your time and dedication on it. And before long you will become a master at finding the theatrical G-spot.
Stages also have different-sized wing-spaces, and at each venue there will be changes to how backstage props and costumes are set out. It is always advisable to explore these areas before doing the show – and make sure you know where your quick-change costumes and props are laid out.
Actors – remember: what happens on tour goes on Twitter.
Friends of the Theatre
When touring you will often be invited for a free drink on the first night in each venue. These evenings will be attended by the ‘friends of the theatre’ – who are a group of old dears who like to touch and dribble all over the actors. Of course, some actors thrive on such activity, getting deep thrills from the joyful enthusiasm of the local burghers, but other actors hide in the theatre toilets, praying never to be cuddled by the local bearded lady. You should always remember that there is nothing wrong with the local bearded lady. She is usually a very well-respected member of the community – and is often the mayor. And you don’t want to ignore the mayor – beard or no beard, dear – as hanging out with them will get you in the local paper.
During these free drinks there will be a speech by the president of the ‘friends of the theatre’, complimenting the actors on their show. This speech tends to go on for quite a while, and is rather reminiscent of a school assembly – unless, of course, the show is not deemed ‘good’ in the eyes of the friends. In which case there won’t be a speech. Or any free nuts, dear.
Actors – when touring you are a source of fascination for the locals. If they ask to touch you, please comply.
Pub Etiquette
One of the most important pastimes in an actor’s life is the time spent in public houses. Whether it be on tour, during rehearsals, or simply between jobs, a good pub or bar can become a place of sanctity and contemplation. It is also a marvellous place to meet with other actors and discuss scurrilous gossip and upcoming castings. And, of course, to find out who is sleeping with who.
I remember the days of marvellous theatrical hellraisers – actors like Richard Harris, Oliver Reed, Peter O’Toole and Richard Burton. They were proper thespian boozers who would often stagger on and off stage or set. Although I would be whipped if I made any suggestion that drinking whilst working is acceptable, their binges and stories are the things of legend – and there was always gossip and speculation about them. These days actors much prefer to detox, go on yoga retreats and suck on celery sticks. Whilst this is healthier it certainly isn’t as entertaining.
It is essential that anyone involved in theatre possesses good pub etiquette. An ignorance in this important practice results in isolation, bullying and a severe lack of respect from the rest of the company. Just as it is vital you ‘play the game’ in rehearsals, it is essential you do the same in the pub.
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| The Round Rule Many actors, particularly those just graduating from drama school, will not fully appreciate the importance of the honourable and sacred tradition of the round rule. When in a drinking establishment, people take it in turns to buy everyone else at the table a drink. Sometimes you may think this rule a little peculiar – especially when buying for a large number of people – but it always tends to even itself out. A simple way of gaining admiration from the rest of the company is by being the first person to buy a round. It is particularly essential to be proactive in your ‘buying’ regime when the director is present. Many directors employ actors solely on their round-buying expertise. | |
| Whilst new graduates may feel that they are spending an awful amount of money on their drinking habits, the sooner they realise the importance of this pastime, the better. It is very easy for an actor to get a reputation for being ‘tight’ and ‘stingy’. You can always spot a potentially tight actor as they will be the last ones to arrive at the bar (after everyone else has bought the drinks). They also disappear to the toilet for ten minutes if it’s their round, and will have lots of convenient phone calls during the evening. They will go to monumental lengths to avoid spending money on anyone other than themselves. You should always make sure you are not marked with the ‘stingy’ title. | |
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It is always advisable to go to the pub a few times early on in the rehearsal period. This is the time when ‘company bonding’ begins, and it is the perfect opportunity to flirt. Often my casting director likes to accompany the actors on their first pub visit – and accepts drinks from everyone. This can be very telling, and I know for a fact that the actor who flirts most with my casting director will be called in to audition for the next few shows.