Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (26 page)

A word of warning
: Never sing or go through your lines loudly in the pub – as this causes members of the public to leave and the landlord to get angry. A pub is not the set of
Fame
. Flamboyant dancing and singing is not acceptable. It is even illegal in some countries and can result in the messy removal of jazz hands, dear.

Actors – don’t drink and drama, dear.

When the Job Ends

After being in a job for a few months, your company becomes like a little family. And in this family you feel safe. And important. Every night you have a place to go: a place to perform and work – with people that you like and trust. After this has been going on for months it becomes a pattern, a habit – and when this is suddenly taken away from you it is a shock to the system.

My good friend Doctor Theatre always tells me that actors and people working on a show usually get ill the week after the show finishes. It is like your body knows when it has ended. Then, of course, you find yourself in that depressing position of being at home, unemployed and feeling ill.

This is where the concept of ‘resting’ comes from. The term ‘resting’ infuriates actors as it implies that when they are not acting they just lounge about at home in their smoking jackets, sipping whisky and nibbling on exotic fruits that are being fed to them by dwarfs. Sadly, this is not true – unless you are Kevin Spacey, in which case it is a weekly ritual. But for most actors the opposite is true. When an actor knows a show is coming to an end they have to find another way of getting an income, so they will telephone bars, promotional agencies, telemarketing companies, restaurants, front-of-house managers, temp agencies, escort agencies, the Houses of Parliament – anything that will help them pay the rent.

Of course, there are some lucky actors who are fortunate enough never to have to do this. They simply move from one acting job to the next. These kinds of actors invariably have a TV career, are represented by one of the top agents, and are known in the business as ‘jammy gits’.

When a fellow actor says, ‘Let’s stay in touch, it’s been such a pleasure,’ chances are you won’t, and it wasn’t, dear.

It’s lonely at the top. But you eat better, dear.

Agents

Many actors believe that agents are the key to a good career. Certainly having a good one will help – but if you can’t read, write, and have no real talent, then an agent won’t help at all. Unless you are Jordan. But she’s not an actress. She’s a joke, dear.

Agents on the whole are very nice people. Most of them will have been in the business for a number of years – many being old performers themselves. Having an agent who used to be an actor is useful in some ways, and awful in others. They will understand the frustrations of working for Equity minimum, but will also have moments of deep jealousy about your guest role in
Doctors
. Indeed, I have heard numerous stories about agents who have got so jealous of their clients that they’ve started representing themselves. This can be very awkward, particularly when you go in for a casting only to realise that your agent is up for the same role as you.

Agents come in all shapes and sizes. There are square ones, circular ones and triangular-shaped ones. I always think it is useful for potential clients to know what an agent looks like, which is why I’m trying to convince Spotlight to have a new agents division.
Spotlight for Agents
will be a book and website that contains every agents’ headshot and CV – so actors can see where their potential agent trained, where
their office is, and where they lost their virginity. This is hugely important – as you don’t want to be represented by someone who lost their virginity in Morrisons.

An actor is only as good as their agent. And an agent is only as good as their actors.

As a general rule, the best agents have the strangest names. There are agencies called Troika, United, CAM, Markham, Frogatt & Irwin (MFI), Sainou, Gordon & French, Lou Coulson, Conway van Gelder Grant, Curtis Brown, Holland & Barrett – the list goes on. Most of these names will have been decided on a pub crawl. Apparently a weird name is a mark of success. Which explains the popularity of Benedict Cumberbatch.

In truth, the best way of discovering what an agent is actually like is by looking for anagrams. I think the following is rather telling:

Amanda Howard Associates
– Woo! Satanic drama ass-head

ARG
– RAG

Bloomfields
– Bold of slime

Cole Kitchenn
– Leech Nick Not

Conway van Gelder Grant
– Endanger cow vagrantly

Curtis Brown
– Burnt cow sir

Diamond Management
– To demeaning madman

Hamilton Hoddel
– Hello odd hit man

Hatton McEwan
– O neat watchman

Ken McReddie
– End mere dick

Lowy Hamilton Artists
– Tally-ho! I’m worst saint

Narrow Road
– RADA or worn

Sainou
– A I Nu So (say it fast and it’s ‘Anusol’)

Troika
– Oar Kit

United
– Nude It / Untied

The William Morris Agency
– Worthy, smellier magician

Actors – when in bed with an agent it is vital you call them by their correct name. A Troika does not like to be called a Curtis Brown, dear.

It is also advisable to do your background checks on agents. Check their website and see which actors they represent. Find out where they live and what they did before becoming an agent. It is no good being represented by an agent who used to be a greengrocer. Unless they used to supply fruit to all the best casting directors, in which case they would be a marvellous choice. When going to meet a potential agent always make sure you don’t appear drunk. Agents, on the whole, admire actors who can at least appear sober.

Always remember: your agent works for
you
. Many actors forget this, and live in permanent fear of them. This is not healthy. The agent and the actor should have an equal relationship. It is like a healthy marriage, where the agent supports, nurtures and loves their actor. Of course, in marriage, sex is a big factor – and usually this is not part of the deal when signing with an agent. However, some agents, particularly in the Soho and Fitzrovia areas of London, like indulging in naughty activities with their clients.

The agent is there to represent
you
, and help carve
your
career. If you are with an agent who forces you to go to every single audition and accept every job, then they are not thinking about your long-term career. In fact, they are just thinking about the quickest way to get money to pay for their new wooden floor.

Most agents will be members of the PMA – which stands for the Personal Managers’ Association. This is a very important body that serves to make agents practise fairly and honestly. I know one agent who calls them the ‘Pretentious Managers’ Adulterous Society’ – although I have no idea where the extra ‘S’ came from. Many agents now also look after ‘creatives’.
The word ‘creatives’ covers a multitude of people from directors, writers, choreographers, casting directors and young gay men.

Usually, agents will want to see you perform before offering representation. It is rare for an agent to represent you without seeing you in anything. Unless you are incredibly beautiful. Or their child. Over the years I have heard many actors complain about the catch-22 situation – where they can’t get a job because they haven’t got an agent, and can’t get an agent because they haven’t got a job. This is very tricky and requires a plan of action. One of the best things to do is to get a decent part in a fringe production – something that shows you off well – and invite an agent along to see you. However, if you feel you can’t afford to work for nothing, simply get a job in The Groucho, The Ivy, Soho House or Century – and you are bound to serve an agent. Get speaking to them, give them free shots, laugh at their jokes, and utilise the skill of ‘bottom licking’. If you are successful you will get a phone call the following day. If you are not, just repeat the exercise until they give in.

Once you have secured an agent it is wise to study the art of ‘keeping an agent’. Agents are a difficult species, and whilst they are there to work for you, you are also there to earn money for them. The truth is that whilst you may be talented and have a good look, there are another ten people out there who are just as talented and good looking. So make sure they don’t feel the need to fill your slot in. One way of doing this is by buying them nice presents – nothing too expensive, but they tend to like red wine, chocolates and season tickets to the opera.

Agents, in their defence, do have a difficult job. As well as trying to find work for their clients, they have to get on with every casting director, producer and creative out there – as potentially all of them could be offering their actors work.

They also have to be multiskilled. As well as reading and writing it is essential they are proficient at remembering things. Most agents will represent a large number of clients –
and with that comes the responsibility of remembering them all. That is harder than it sounds. Agents who have a particularly weak memory solve this problem by pinning their actors’ headshots and names on a wall in their office. This avoids embarrassment. However, this is only a solution when in the office. It is a whole different ball game when wandering out and about in the big wide world. There is nothing more embarrassing than an agent introducing themselves to an actor after a show only to realise they represent that person already. It happens frequently, and usually results in a fistfight outside the The Nell pub after closing time.