Experiencing God at Home (17 page)

Since the epic fall of humanity, God has been steadily working to restore His creation. He does this by defeating sin, restoring fellowship with His creatures, and enabling people to experience abundant life (John 10:10). It is to this end that God is continually working. When God invites you to join Him, it is to bring Him glory by accomplishing His redemptive purposes in people’s lives. As God sets people free, His kingdom expands. As people once again experience their divine purpose, they bring glory to God.

God wants
your
children to experience the fullness of life He designed them for. Sin, however, will rob them of God’s best, just as it has cheated every person in history. God is therefore working to set your children free from their sin so they are free to enjoy fellowship with Him. Just as God called judges, prophets, apostles, teachers, evangelists, and preachers to become involved in His divine activity, so He will invite parents to join in His work to see that their children avoid the perils of sin and embrace abundant life.

What Joining God’s Activity Is Not

Sometimes it is as important to understand what a thing is
not
as to know what it
is
.
Well-meaning parents often misunderstand what God is asking them to do, and as a result, they invest their efforts in the wrong activities. The following are examples of the kind of work God is not asking us to do.

1. Resident Critic

Children generally have an innate sense of enthusiasm and hope. There is an invigorating freshness to youth who believe they can do anything! But to those of us who are older (and theoretically wiser), what seems like optimism to a teenager can sound a lot like naiveté to us. Hearing our children go on and on about how they will one day become a fireman or ballerina or action hero or rock star can grow wearisome for parents who realize how much work, effort, and luck is required to succeed in certain fields. So, some parents feel the need to give their kids a regular dose of “reality.” Whenever their children begin speaking of their dreams, their parents hastily remind them that they are clumsy, or have big feet, or can’t carry a tune, or don’t have a scholarship or wealthy parents . . . Such parents genuinely believe they are helping their offspring by steering them away from idle dreams and on to more realistic ambitions. However, it is tragic when parents serve as their children’s dream killers.

2. Substitute Holy Spirit

Some parents don’t trust the Holy Spirit to do His job in their children’s lives, so they give the third member of the Trinity a helping hand. Such thoughtful parents regularly lecture their children on how they should be living. Helpful articles warning against everything from obesity to pornography are shared for their offspring’s edification. Lest the Holy Spirit be unable to bring adequate conviction over sin, these zealous parents leave no stone unturned in their efforts to ensure their children feel suitably guilty for any perceived or potential wrongdoing. Rather than allowing the Holy Spirit to work the sermon preached by the pastor on Sunday into their child’s soul, these parents re-preach the message to their captive audience over Sunday lunch, with extra emphasis that was missed during its first delivery. While these parents might claim to trust God, their actions disclose the truth that they believe they, rather than the Holy Spirit, are responsible for their child’s Christlikeness.

3. Judge, Jury, Warden

At times, parents can feel that their full-time job is meting out suitable punishments for their children’s infractions of the family rules. While certainly there are times when parents must discipline their children as they guide them into godly behavior, that ought not to be the dominant feature in a Christian home. We have witnessed families where the prevailing conversation at the dinner table was on the various “sentences” each of the children were currently serving because of missed curfews or carelessly done chores. Some households are filled with shouting and recrimination for the children’s continual shortcomings. One misguided mother was concerned that her teenage daughter was getting involved with the “wrong” crowd. When the miscreant returned home past curfew one night, her “punishment” was to be told she could not attend the Wednesday night worship time for teenagers at her church! The mother “reasoned” that because her daughter loved going to church on Wednesday evenings, it would be a perfect way to punish her for her misdeeds.

Sadly, many children who grow up in Christian homes come away with the skewed perception that Christianity is fundamentally about following rules and being forbidden from having fun. The majority of the conversations with their parents concerning Christianity always center on how they are not measuring up. Sadly, some parents act more like prison wardens than dispensers of blessing.

4. Religious Purist

There are parents who spend tremendous energy diligently ensuring that their children are protected from less-than-perfect churches. If the pastor does not use the “correct” Bible translation, or if the youth worship team leads the young people to sing songs that are not theologically sound, or if there is too much fun, and not enough Bible study or too much Bible study and not enough fun then the parents noisily yank their children from the program and zealously begin looking for another congregation. Such families may attend a multiplicity of churches over the years in their vain quest to discover a congregation that functions in an acceptable manner. Children growing up in such homes are regularly inundated with observations and criticisms of their minister’s shortcomings and their church’s deficiencies. When children are indignantly withdrawn from their church every few years, their parents may assume they are teaching their children to prize sound doctrine and God-honoring worship, but they may in fact be teaching their children to quit church every time they experience something they don’t like. While sincerely wanting their children to have an edifying and doctrinally correct church experience, these misguided parents fail to recognize that with every criticism they launch at their church, they are planting nefarious seeds in their children’s hearts that could one day spring forth into full-grown apostasy. Parents ought to beware when they find themselves continually speaking negatively about the church or its people. While the adults may think they are upholding a high standard for the church, their children may decide, based on what they heard, to chuck the faith and its people altogether.

5. Freedom Giver

These parents believe each child needs to find their own way to God. They don’t want to force them to go to church, or demand they go to youth group, or require them to participate in church activities. Often these parents were forced to attend church when they were young, so they refuse to do the same to their children. Sometimes they feel each religion has its merits, and their children need to find which one is right for them. They believe it is OK to force them to clean their room, brush their teeth, take a shower, treat their possessions with care, and do their chores; but when it comes to “religious” things, they don’t want to give any direction or pressure their kids in any way for fear they may rebel. The truth is that children
need
direction when it comes to matters of faith. Neglecting to help your children in the most important issue of life is gross negligence, and it tells them you don’t consider faith in God to be as important as brushing their teeth.

Summary

The sad truth is that there are many well-meaning parents who fear that without constant diligence and a firm hand, their children could one day enter the burgeoning ranks of young adults who are leaving the church annually, despite their devout upbringing. Paradoxically, by raising their children on their own agenda, rather than joining God in His activity, these parents facilitate the exodus they dread. God does not ask us to do everything we know to do in order to be good parents. He asks us to do everything He tells us. This means allowing God to take the lead in raising our children. We can trust Him with our family. He loves our children more than we do! And He knows what He’s doing. He’s had experience! The key is to recognize where God is working and then, when He invites us, to join Him in His activity.

God Is at Work

There are many places where God is at work in our world. He is certainly active in local churches. He is engaged in many Christian ministries that serve around the world. God is working in the marketplace as well as in many places that might surprise you. But for many families, the most exciting reality is that God is not just accomplishing His purposes in evangelistic crusades held in massive stadiums or among pioneering missionaries reaching remote villages for the gospel; He is also working in their own home. There are at least three major areas where God is active in families.

1. God Works to Produce Godly Character

One of our favourite stories is that of Agostino di Duccio. In 1464, he was enlisted to produce a sculpture that would be placed along the roofline of the Florence cathedral. It was to join statues of Joshua and Hercules that had already been sculpted. The artist was given a large block of marble, and he commenced his work. However, in 1466 Agostino abruptly abandoned his project, and the partially sculpted marble sat forsaken in a courtyard for ten years. The stone was described as “badly blocked out and supine.” In 1476, Antonio Rossellino was commissioned to salvage the marble and complete the project, yet he soon abandoned the effort as well. The marble block, rejected by its master sculptors, sat outside in the cathedral courtyard for twenty-five more years, scarred, rained upon, and seemingly beyond repair or hope. In 1500, officials consulted with experts, including Leonardo da Vinci, to see if there was any hope in salvaging “The Giant” as the marble slab was nicknamed. Finally, in 1501, twenty-six-year-old Michaelangelo was contracted to attempt to save the project. Early in the morning of September 16, the young artist commenced his work. He would not finish until 1504. When he set down his chisel, the statue of David remained, representing one of the greatest masterpieces by human hands. What had seemed beyond hope or repair, in the hands of the master became a breathtaking achievement.

Likewise, God seeks to take the sinful, selfish, scarred characters of our children and systematically fashion them to look like Christ. The apostle Paul claimed that God takes every experience in our life, both painful and pleasant, and uses them to sculpt our characters into His masterpiece (Rom. 8:28–30). Because humanity is permeated with sin, we don’t have to teach our children to be selfish (Rom. 3:23). They exit their mother’s womb hollering for people to meet their needs. Likewise, have you noticed that no one had to teach your children to lie or to steal cookies from the jar when mom wasn’t looking? Perhaps you observed that you didn’t have to enroll your children in boxing lessons for them to learn to fight with their siblings. It’s innate. What
does
require instruction and training is for your kids to learn to always tell the truth and to be thoughtful of others.

God knows that children who fail to learn to be honest and thoughtful will experience a difficult life, may inflict pain on others, and might not be able to enjoy a satisfying marriage. In addition, their children may be destined to continue the miserable legacy into the next generation. What’s worse, if your children never learn to address their sin problem, they may never recognize their need for the Savior, which could be catastrophic. Therefore, God will invite you to join Him in His work to produce Christlike character in your offspring.

We can tend to focus on behavior. God concentrates on character. The reason is simple. Character drives our actions. If we are selfish, we’ll act selfishly. If we have a dishonest character, we’ll behave deceitfully. God doesn’t focus on symptoms. He always zeroes in on the heart of the matter.

As parents, we can easily become distracted by outward manifestations and inadvertently miss the real issues. For example: a mother is having coffee with her friend at her house. Every few minutes her child interrupts the conversation and insists on showing his mother what he is playing. Embarrassed at her son’s rudeness, the woman repeatedly reminds him: “Billy, what do we say?” “Excuse me,” the boy exclaims before launching into another animated discourse on his current activities. The mom mistakenly assumes that the key issue is for her son to demonstrate proper manners by saying “Excuse me” before he interrupts. The truth is that her son’s primary problem is not that he forgets to say “Excuse me” but that he is self-centered and thoughtless of his mother and her guest. By focusing on his manners, the mother is teaching her self-centered child how to use “magic words” to get what he wants.

Likewise, two siblings are continually bickering. Each time, the father loudly exclaims: “Hey, you two! Stop fighting! Why can’t you get along?” The father assumes he is being an “involved” parent because he intervenes each time his children quarrel. The reality is that the siblings have never been challenged to examine their heart toward the other. If each one genuinely loved the other, they wouldn’t argue in the first place. But as long as their father merely acts as a referee, the fighting continues (to say nothing of the fact that their house is continually filled with shouting!).

God instructs us to “keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23). That is why God is never satisfied with merely adjusting outward behavior. People can say the correct things even though their heart is far from God (Matt. 15:8; Luke 6:46). That’s why God always addresses character issues. If, for instance, your ten-year-old son says something unkind to his eight-year-old sister, you might be tempted to say: “Jonathan! I told you never to talk to your sister that way! If you do that again, you are going to your room!” However, God might instead prompt you to say something like: “Jonathan, I am really surprised at you. You are normally so loving and kind to your sister. That doesn’t sound like you. Your sister loves you so much, and you are normally such a good older brother.” In this case you are appealing not to his actions but to his character. God may use your words to reinforce in your son a kind disposition. As his character develops, his insults to his sister will dissipate.