Experiencing God at Home (19 page)

The problem with children who never learn to be oriented toward blessing others is that they become self-focused, insensitive adults. You see this at times at weddings. “Bridezillas” are young women who assume that their wedding day is “their” day and everyone is present to pay them homage. I have known brides who were radiant on stage, but none of their bridesmaids were speaking to them by the end of the ceremony! These brides basked in the attention on their special day but gave scant thought to the comfort and needs of those who had traveled great distances to attend. The bride may have had a dozen bridal showers thrown for her to which bridesmaids were expected to attend and required expensive bridesmaids dresses from her attendants but then failed to adequately express her appreciation for all her best (soon-to-be former) friends did for her. Such disastrous, yet all too common, an occurrence reveals two things: first, if we do not teach our children to be thoughtful of others while they are young, they will be thoughtless of others when they are older; and second, even when our children are old enough to be married, they still can benefit from parents who continue to coach them to have success in the most important moments of their life.

Taking One for the Team (An Example from Richard)

It’s not always easy to teach our children to be thoughtful of others. I’ll never forget one particular adventure. I received a distressed call from a pastor in a city five hundred miles away. He had no money for a vacation, and his family was under severe stress. They needed a break! Lisa and I decided to invite the pastor and his wife, along with their three children, to our house where we could provide them a respite. We briefed our children in advance that we wanted to be a blessing to our guests. I cautioned our kids that I did not want them to be selfish with their toys. I urged them to let the other children play with whatever toy they wanted, and if anything was broken, I’d replace it when our guests departed. One day my son Daniel came running up to me exclaiming, “Eddie just broke my wooden sword!” I frantically tried to silence Daniel before our friends overheard his loud complaints. “Daniel!” I hissed under my breath, “I told you I would replace whatever was broken!” “I know,” he responded, “but he broke it over my head!” (That was a long week!)

Parents Must Join in God’s Activity

It’s critical that parents join God in His activity in their family. God
is
at work. We need only to recognize what He is doing. It is possible for God to be at work in our children’s lives and yet for us to miss it. Jesus’ twelve disciples were companions of the Son of God; yet they did not fully comprehend the divine activity occurring around them (Mark 8:17–21). Likewise, God can be at work in our own children, and yet we miss it because we are not paying attention.

One of the dangers for parents is that they focus on the wrong things. For example, we know a dear mom who regularly prayed for her daughter to grow up to be a godly young lady. Of course, we know that often the way to develop Christlikeness is through suffering and hardship. If you pray for God to make your daughter godly, are you prepared for God to do what it takes to make her that way? This mother’s daughter competed in an ice-skating competition. The daughter had worked hard and practiced much. But she lost. The young girl handled it well, but the mother was devastated. She asked: “Why would God let this happen? I prayed every day that God would help her to win.” This sincere mother was praying for her child’s godliness but looking for her daughter’s happiness. Sometimes you can’t have both. Had the mother looked carefully, she would have noticed that her daughter, though disappointed, was graciously accepting defeat and was determined to try harder the next time. The mother’s prayers were being answered!

The key for parents is to both watch for God’s activity and also to develop a close relationship with their child so they don’t miss what God does. When parents talk regularly and meaningfully with their child, they get a front row seat to observe God at work! When Richard’s son Mike was a young boy, he was enamoured with GI Joes. He would play with them for hours. After he began school, Richard was interested in what his son was learning and what new friends Mike was making. Mike, on the other hand, was often more excited about what he would play after school! When Mike would arrive home, Richard would begin plying him with questions about his day at school. What had he learned? Could he read and write yet? Were there bullies? Was his teacher nice? Had he decided what college he would attend in thirteen more years? Mike would immediately begin recounting the amazing adventures his GI Joes had experienced and how they had successfully commandeered Barbie’s Playhouse and turned it into a command post. Richard would interrupt him and try to return the conversation to matters that he felt were of greater consequence.

One day Richard had just interrupted Mike’s discourse on his action figures when his wife, Lisa, called him into the kitchen. (Richard knew this usually meant he was about to either receive some helpful parenting advice or be peeling potatoes.) Lisa whispered to Richard, “You know, if you let your son talk to you about whatever is on his heart at age six, he’ll still be coming to tell you what is on his heart at age sixteen.” Sound advice. The truth was that most of Richard’s conversations with his children were based on what
Richard
was interested in. Richard cared about progress in school and achievement. Mike cared about having fun! Rather than always controlling the conversations with his children, Richard began trying to listen more and to detect God’s activity while his children shared what was on their heart.

Of course, your children will not always share what they are thinking when it is convenient for you! When Richard’s son Mike became a teenager, Richard tried his best to be a good listener. He would greet Mike when he returned home from school and begin peppering him with questions: “So how was your day today?” “Good.” “Well, why was it good?” “Because.” Anything interesting happen today?” “No.” “Anything you’d like to talk about, son?” “No, I just want to go to my room. Bye, Dad.” These kinds of conversations could be exasperating! Often when Richard had time to talk, his children weren’t interested. But do you know what would inevitably happen? Mike would become a chatterbox around 11:15 that night! Richard would be in bed, weary from a long day’s work. In would bounce Mike, bored and wide awake. He’d flop onto the bed and exclaim, “Dad, let’s visit!” “Mike!” Richard would protest, “it’s after eleven o’clock! Where were you at 4:30 when I had time to talk with you?!” The reality was that after a long day at school, Mike had wanted some time to himself. He wasn’t ready to open his heart up to his parents. But now, at 11:15 p.m., like many teenagers, his biological clock had kicked in, and he was finally prepared to discuss issues. Richard had to make a crucial decision at this point. Was he only going to be involved in his children’s lives on
his
timetable? Or would he be prepared to join God’s activity in his children’s lives at whatever time worked for them? Some parents only want to join in God’s activity when it is convenient! Needless to say, Richard went to work in the morning tired on more than one occasion!

One of the reasons parents miss God’s activity in their children’s lives is because the parents talk
at
their children instead of talking
to
them. Listening always provides greater insights into God’s activity than does talking (or lecturing). It is critical that we discern where God is working in our children so we can quickly adjust our lives to His activity. We have no idea what might be at stake in our children’s lives. They may be wrestling with God’s call into ministry, or they may be facing a temptation that could ruin their life, or their friend may be pressuring them to participate in a harmful activity. More is generally happening in our children’s lives than we realize! That is why we must make it a priority to be in dialogue with our children and with God so we discern what is going on.

Summary

God
is
at work all around you and your family, and He will invite you to become involved in His activity. The key is for you to keep your spiritual eyes open to what He may be doing. It could surprise you!

Questions for Reflection/Discussion

1. Make a list of each of your children. Under each name list “Character,” “Mission,” and “Blessing.” Then jot down ways God is presently developing their character, their sense of personal mission, and their ability to bless others.

2. Consider the last couple of conversations you had with one of your children. How would you rate them on a scale of 1 to 10? What percentage of the conversation were you speaking and what percentage were you listening? How might you improve those percentages?

3. Do you need God to open your spiritual eyes and ears so you better recognize His activity in your home? Perhaps you need to take time to pray and ask God to do that today. Take time to read through the Gospels and notice how Jesus related to people. Then watch to see how Jesus is relating to your children in the same way.

4. Have you been watching for the wrong things in your children? While you have been watching for one thing, has God been doing something else?

5. Have your children been giving you clues as to what is happening in their lives? They often won’t come out and say it, but they will offer hints if you are listening carefully! Review the recent comments your children have made.

6. Over the next week, schedule a special time with each of your children in which you can engage in an uninterrupted, quality conversation with each child.

Notes

1. Thom S. Rainer and Jess W. Rainer,
The Millennials: Connecting to America’s Largest Generation
(Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2011), 36–37.

Chapter 11

God Speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, Prayer, Circumstances, and the Church to Reveal Himself, His Purposes, and His Ways

A Mother Listens

During a mother’s quiet time one day, she sensed God impressing upon her the need to spend time with her daughter. She was extremely busy at that time, but the prompting was so compelling that she decided to make time to spend with her child that day. She picked her daughter up after school, and they drove to a mall to hang out. On the way, she asked her daughter about her day and what was going on in her life. Their family was dealing with a lot of transition at the moment, and it had been difficult for the daughter. She replied briefly but then confided that a friend of hers was “cutting” herself (self-injury is a cry for help, a way of dealing with pain or disappointment rather than being suicidal). The mother asked who it was, but the daughter replied she had given her word not to say anything. The mother felt God telling her to press a little deeper, so she gently asked her daughter for more details. Soon the daughter confided that she also was trying self-injury, more out of curiosity. The mother was able to guide her daughter into a more healthy way of dealing with her pain. She found some helpful Christian websites. Together, they spoke to the school counselor who was well aware of the self-injury trend at the school and provided some excellent resources for them. Had the mother ignored God’s warning, she would have missed a critical moment in her daughter’s life, and the problem might have grown worse. It is critical that we hear what God has to say to us. There is too much at stake for us to miss a word from God.

God Speaks

Few biblical truths are more important or more misunderstood than this: God speaks to His people. For many Christians, the concept of God speaking seems illusive. Occasionally we hear people say, “I’ve never heard God speak to me.” In truth, the problem is generally not that God isn’t
speaking
; the issue is often the person’s
hearing
. There are some Christians who believe God no longer speaks to people, or that He has fully communicated His will to us in the verses of the Bible. While God does speak through the Bible, He has innumerable ways of communicating His will to us. In these difficult and confusing days in which we live, we can’t afford to miss anything God has to say.

When you become a Christian, the Holy Spirit takes up residence within you (1 Cor. 6:19). Your body becomes the temple of God. By His Spirit, God will convict, teach, direct, impress, and speak to you in order to guide you into His will (John 14:23; 1 Cor. 3:16; Eph. 2:22; 2 Tim. 1:14).

Sometimes we expect God to speak to us in one particular way. Perhaps He once spoke to us through a Bible conference we attended or a devotional book we read, and now we always go back to that same source whenever we want to hear another word from God. In the Bible, God rarely did the same thing twice. However, if we are not careful, we may inadvertently close ourselves off to many of the ways God wants to communicate with us.

For example, Janet has a difficult decision to make and decides to copy Gideon’s method for hearing from God. She puts out a “fleece” to confirm she is going in the right direction (see Judg. 6:36–40). But God’s answer could have been found in the devotional thought Janet was scheduled to read that morning during her quiet time. Janet, however, was in a hurry and skipped her Bible reading that day. Then while she was listening to a Christian radio program in the car on the way home from work, the speaker gave a clear word from God that would have provided direction to Janet’s situation, but she was distracted by a slow driver in front of her. Later, in the home group Bible study that week, God inspired the group leader to share truths that pertained exactly to Janet’s questions. But Janet chose to stay home that night to get caught up on some work around the house.