Faith (Rescue Me, A Contemporary Romance) (22 page)

The whole thing felt very strange – to have a guest list for her son’s funeral like it was an exclusive party—but Liam’s suicide had brought out the press and the crazies, so they had no choice but to keep the funeral strictly controlled so it didn’t turn into a madhouse.

But now she wondered if her mother was right. Of course, she had provided their names to the church secretary who was pulling together the security lists, but what if all the people and the policemen had scared them off. She hadn’t been too welcoming or enthusiastic either, she remembered.

When Josh had asked if it would be alright for him and Emily to attend she hadn’t known quite what to say.

She didn’t want to respond too enthusiastically, but the truth was that she was desperate for him to be there. She felt silly and strange about it, and honestly wondered if there was something wrong with her. Did she need a man in her life to function?

But, although she’d only spent time with him on that one day, she’d never felt such strength and support from a man since Mac. And even Mac, bless his soul, she thought, was a bull in the china shop when it came to being her partner. Wonderful, but blundering, like a big overgrown kid himself, she smiled at the memory.

Josh gave off a quieter, but powerful sense of strength. As if nothing could ever shake him, and so far nothing had.

He had known about her horrifying history and Liam’s state of mind, but he had brought his daughter to dinner anyway. He had encouraged Emily to visit with Liam alone in his room, even when he’d read the salacious news stories. But, he was smart enough to know that they were lies and Liam was nothing more than a very sad and scared boy.

Faith thought she might have fallen in love with him that day because of his wisdom and strength. You could practically feel it coming off him in waves. She was craving that strength when she called to tell him about Liam’s death. The truth was that she was desperate for him to come to the funeral and help her through it. But, how could she say that to a man she had just met; barely even knew?

So she had paused.

She could hear his confusion in his voice when she’d finally agreed. He thought she didn’t want him there, that she was only being polite to allow him there.

Would he come anyway? She desperately scanned the crowd searching for his gentle eyes and handsome face.

What if he had decided not to come? She would never see him again.

At this moment, Faith wasn’t sure she could live without him.

“There they are dad!” Emily pointed excitedly toward the front of the chapel where Faith and Myra were sitting.

Faith was alternating between looking at her hands and looking around the church. She seemed to be trying to spot someone.

His heart raced at the thought—the hope—that she could be looking for him.

“Okay honey, don’t point.” Josh said, embarrassed that his daughter was so obviously excited for him and Faith to sit together.

Emily just smiled at his discomfort. She hated that Liam had killed himself, suicide was an insane, selfish thing to do she thought, but she was secretly glad that her dad had a thing for Faith.

She worried about him a lot, especially lately. He had barely dated since her mother had been killed, and he rarely went out with his friends from work. He had become a total homebody and he fussed over her like a grandmother she thought, rolling her eyes.

He needed a woman in his life. Unlike Liam, Emily was eager for her father to move on with his romantic life as well as his life with her and at work.

Like her father said, she was a clever girl and she was also very practical. Liam had been so incredibly sensitive she thought sadly, looking at the closed coffin where it lay at the head of the church.

He had taken on all that guilt and blame and fear and hadn’t ever let it go, she knew. It wasn’t right that she was the only person he would talk to about what had happened in Alaska. It made no sense. Even when he’d been in TJMH—one of the best treatment centers in the world—he hadn’t really made much progress.

No, Emily didn’t blame herself or her father for what had happened the day they’d visited. It was his choice, she knew. She just hoped that Faith wasn’t holding them responsible either. She really wanted to see her father and Faith get to know each other better, maybe see if something could grow from their shared histories.

“Come on dad,” Emily said, pulling Josh down the aisle toward Faith and Myra.

His daughter was tugging on his arm, but she didn’t need to, Josh thought. At the sight of Faith he would have sprinted the length of the church to reach her, if he could have gotten away with it.

“Faith?” He said, tapping her on the shoulder when they reached her.

She spun around and her face lit up with joy and relief.

So she was looking for him. He felt giddy at the thought of her wanting to see him again so desperately.

“Josh.” She breathed his name.

He didn’t think his name had ever sounded so sweet coming from anyone’s lips. He just grinned at her, until Emily nudged him.

For heaven’s sakes man, he sternly ordered himself, you’re at her son’s funeral, keep it together!

“Faith, how are you holding up?” He said, taking her hand in his.

Myra leaned over and smiled at him, squeezing his arm in a gesture of thanks before pulling Emily down to the pew to sit beside her.

“Oh no,” he protested weakly, “we couldn’t sit here, we’re not family.”

“Yes, you are sitting here you two.” Myra answered him in her no nonsense voice. “I don’t know about my daughter, but I’m not going to sit in this big ole’ pew by ourselves while the whole church stares at us waiting for us to start gnashing our teeth and pulling out our hair.”

“Besides,” she continued gentler now, “our Liam would have liked you to sit up here with us.”

She put her arm around Emily and squeezed her to her.

“You were a friend to Liam when he needed one and we don’t forget that.” She said with a smile. “Neither does he.”

Faith looked at Josh and patted the space beside her.

It was all he needed to understand that she didn’t hold him or Emily responsible for the choice Liam had made.

He was so grateful he couldn’t speak or even look at her as he sat down, but from the corner of his eye he could see her smiling.

During the service she took his hand and he never let it go, not even when she wept loudly while the minister said a prayer over the casket; not even when he felt himself breaking down with grief over the tragic, senseless loss of this young soul.

They drew courage and strength from each other.

He could feel her fire and positivity flowing through her into him. And he concentrated on sending her all the strength and calm he could muster.

“Don’t let go of my hand,” Faith whispered to him.

He squeezed her fingers tighter to tell her that he wouldn’t.

He could tell that she was feeling their connection as strongly as he was because she held tight to his hand when the service was over and they all stood up to go to the cemetery for the internment.

As they filed out of the church in silence, he looked over to where Emily and Myra were standing arm in arm, tears rolling down their cheeks.

“Would you like me to drive you and Myra?” He asked quietly.

In answer she looked up at him, her big eyes wet and wide with tears and grief and she drew him to her and kissed him.

When their lips met it was as if they had invented electricity. She breathed into him and he inhaled the scent and passion of her and their kiss gave them the strength to move forward.

They broke apart and gazed into each other’s eyes. Neither of them felt the need to speak or explain what had taken place between them. Each of them could read the other’s eyes so perfectly that no words were necessary.

It wasn’t the right place, or the right time, but they were the right people for each other.

If Josh was the solid brick oven, then Faith was the fire that lit it up inside. If Josh was the solid oak tree, Faith was the wind that moved it and the birds that sang in its branches. If Josh was the ship that sailed the seas, then Faith was the waves that rocked it and the sun that shown down on it.

They had found each other in the pit of tragedy and darkness.

Somewhere, Liam and Mac were smiling. Faith was sure of it.

Faith and Josh stood in the foyer smiling and blushing like two teenagers after a first kiss.

“I feel like an idiot, I’m not sure what to do here,” Josh admitted to her.

“What do you mean?” Faith said, although she knew exactly what he meant.

Something about the way she and Josh connected gave her an almost telepathic insight into what he was thinking and feeling. She had only to look into his eyes for her to know what mood he was in or what he was trying to say, but couldn’t find the words to express.

“I don’t want to leave you here,” he said.

She said nothing. Just looked at him.

“I don’t want you to leave either.” She admitted.

She didn’t think she could have gotten through Liam’s funeral without Josh by her side. With him there she felt strong enough to weep at the loss of her son, but she didn’t feel like she was slipping away too. She didn’t feel that horrible numbness that had come over her the day Liam had died.

Josh made her feel again and she felt like the best version of herself when he was next to her.

She couldn’t believe that she had kissed him. But, it had just felt right. It seemed like she’d known him for years, it didn’t seem possible that they’d only just met.

She was tired of feeling like she had to blame herself for the tragedies she’d experienced. For Mac’s death and Liam’s suicide. What use came from blame and guilt?

Look how those destructive forces had eaten away at her son’s mind until he was a shell of the boy he’d been before the attacks. It did no one any good. She could see that now, and something about Josh gave her a fire for living.

Yes, Liam had been upset at the thought of her being with Josh. But, she had to believe that now he was in a better place and he knew better. He would want her to be happy and surely he could understand how truly complete Josh made her.

Her son had chosen to stop fighting. Faith knew she never would.

“Come with me,” she said to Josh, taking his hand.

His eyes widened and she could feel his heart beat start to race as she took his hand and gently tugged him behind her.

E
mily and Myra had fallen asleep in the TV room in front of an old movie. It turned out that they shared a love for classic film, and they’d sat together in front of Gone with the Wind when they’d finally returned from Liam’s service.

“Liam loved this movie too,” Faith heard Myra tell Emily as they cuddled up together under a comforting blanket to watch the film.

Josh and Faith had talked instead. They’d been sitting together with a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace in the living room for hours.

They’d talked about the loss of Josh’s wife and Mac’s death. They talked about the reasons Josh loved his job and Faith’s hopes for her marketing career after she finished her college program next year. And, of course, they talked about Liam.

Faith told him how much she loved and admired her son. How different he’d always been from his father. She told him about his sensitivity to events and people, and laughed at how he could always tell when anyone was lying or what they were thinking just by looking them in the face. She cried and cried on his strong chest and he held her and patted her back and didn’t try to tell her that everything would be alright.

The truth was that they both knew everything would be different, which was not the same nor different than ‘alright.’ It was just…different.

She would laugh again, she knew that. She would love again, she was already feeling that sense of delicious falling and need for Josh. But, she wouldn’t love or laugh or cry in the same ways she had when her son and her husband were her whole life. She didn’t want to be that same person. That version of Faith belonged only to Mac and to Liam.

She was a new woman now. A woman who could accept the tragedy in her life and use it to appreciate every moment she had in the sun.

Mac would have been so proud of her, she knew that. He had always admired her resiliency, but she knew that he didn’t think she appreciated that quality in herself.

It was what had made him remind her to live, the day he died.

She wanted to honor his request. She wanted to honor her son’s life and the years that he had sacrificed because he didn’t share her fighters instincts.

She wanted to live for all of them: Mac, Liam, and even her tiny unborn son that never got a chance to live and laugh and love like they had.

Sitting with Josh, she knew that he would be a part of her future and she welcomed it.

“Faith, honey, get up the baby’s crying.”