Feel (2 page)

A phantom pang slices into my side and I wince, gaining a few glances from the students sitting close to me.  My heartbeat accelerates and I swear under my breath, trying to calm myself down before I have a full blown panic attack remembering that horrid night.  Jensen’s words echo in my mind and I force myself to concentrate on the techniques he taught me, causing my panic to subside.  The pain’s a different story; it only cuts deeper into my soul at how much I miss him despite everything that has happened since the day he sent me away.

“What about you, Saige?” Dr. Parsons begins, stepping next to my desk.  “Do you believe in the paranormal?”

Swallowing hard, I force a smile while trying to shut down all the memories of when I’ve sensed a death before it’s happened, seen events before they’ve occurred, and of that place where I lived forty-five days in hell.  All eyes are on me and I drop my gaze to my desk, mumbling, “I have a pretty open mind.”

Thankfully, Dr. Parsons moves a few seats up the aisle and I sink against the back of my chair, waiting for the next half hour to hurry up and pass so I can get the hell out of here.  As soon as class is over, I shove my notebook in my backpack and practically sprint towards the door, not stopping until I burst through the double doors at the end of the hall and into the sunshine.  Turning my face towards the sun, I allow its warmth to soak in, calming me.  That’s one of the things I love about California - the sun’s almost always shining. 

I feel the rush of emotions seep inside before I hear the students coming through the door.  Luckily, most everyone feels carefree today.  Tagging behind a couple holding hands, I enjoy the warm breeze blowing my long, dark hair.  The feeling of serenity is rare for me so I bask in it any chance I get.  The bell in the tower dings and I turn down the brick path towards my English Lit class when a cold, dark heaviness crashes into me with a force stronger than I’ve ever felt before from someone else’s emotions.  The blow feels so real and my knees buckle, slamming onto the hard bricks below.  A gasp of pain escapes as I frantically look around the quad, trying to see whose emotions I’m feeling. 

“Are you alright, Saige,” Riah asks, picking up my backpack that slid off my shoulder.

The darkness is all consuming, spreading through every part of me, as horrifying images accompany the eclipse.  My head spins when I realize that I’m feeling the emotions from the man in my premonitions. 
Oh God…he’s here
.  Forcing myself to focus, I fight against his emotions as I grab Riah’s wrist, “I know this is going to sound crazy, but don’t go to class tomorrow.  You’ll die if you do.  Go home, now.” 

Riah jerks her wrist from my grasp, slowly backing away as that all-too-familiar look in her eyes shows me the feelings radiating from her.  She thinks I’m nuts, or, like Jake loves to say, a total whack job.  Maybe I am, but I’m also right.  Dammit!  I hate to be right when it comes to this. 

  “Please, Riah, just take an early weekend and go visit your parents,” I call to her, scanning every face I can see. 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re on, Saige, but stay away from me,” Riah commands, her fear and uneasiness slowly seeping out of me with every step she takes away from where I am.

I don’t respond; I’m too busy trying to find the bastard in the crowd as horrific images flash in my mind from the aftermath of whatever he has planned.  I don’t have time to think about how I’m seeing the images when I’m not dreaming.  Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, zeroing in on what
I
feel so I can push all the other emotions back.  I don’t know how I know it’s a man, I’ve never seen his face, but this monster is definitely a man. 

His darkness bleeds my energy, and I shake my head, trying to break his hold.  He’s not on the quad but he has to be close or I wouldn’t be able to feel him.  Surveying the buildings closest to me, I decide on checking the Science lab first. My energy being sucked like a leach more each second is a pretty good indicator I’m heading the right direction.  The loud squeak of the old door reverberates off the walls of the empty hallway as I step inside.  His emotions get stronger and I get weaker.  He’s close. 

The doors at the far end of the hall slam shut and I drop my backpack, running as fast as the slick tile will allow without me busting my ass.  The sun blinds me as I tumble through the door, but I get a glimpse of him before he rounds the corner and follow him to the apartment building a couple of blocks away from the college.  I lean against the alley wall across the street, knowing that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I take this chance to catch my breath as I back as far into the alley as possible while still allowing myself to see the door so I can try to gain some of my energy back. 

It’s only a few minutes before I feel him zapping me again, and I slowly breathe in and out, watching him walk down the street.  My heart is beating so damn fast, I can feel it pulsating in my throat as I cross the street.  The emotions from the tenants bombard me as his darkness fades.  I hate apartment buildings, they’re even worse than dorms.  I swear, if I had enough money, I would buy a cabin in the woods and feel nothing but my own emotions. 

Reaching C2, I feel his residual energy, a cool trick Jensen taught me, as I stand outside the door. 
Oh God, what if he has a roommate?
Do I knock?  Do I just burst in?  Besides trying to stifle it, a low groan escapes as I lay my forehead against the cheap wood. 
What the hell am I even doing here?
Placing my hand on the door knob, my fingers are trembling violently, shaming me all to hell.  This is a job for the cops, not for some twenty-year-old college kid, but calling the cops is not an option, especially after what happened the last time I called the police without a shred of proof and they treated me like I was insane.  Nope, no way am I going through that again.

Swallowing hard with my resolve, I turn the knob and my heart does the freaking rhumba up my dry throat when the door creaks open.  My teeth hurt and my jaw tightens in fear as I slowly slide the door open a fraction more before I take a hesitant step inside.  My fraying nerves begin to ease when I see that the room is empty.  I just hope the rest of the apartment is, too.  So far, nothing looks out of the ordinary for a college kid.  The living room is littered with pizza boxes, empty beer bottles, and what looks like a bong laying in the floor next to the couch.  My breathing slowly returns to normal as I peek inside the kitchen, quickly backing out with the stench of ripened trash that should’ve been taken out a week ago assaulting my nose. 

I’m getting ready to open the bedroom door when a shot of someone’s anger, and a heavy case of nerves, hits me right before a hand clamps over my mouth and an arm wraps around my waist, pinning me against someone hard and large.  Stupidly, I try to scream even though I know it will be muffled. 

“Shut-up,” a gruff voice demands, and I bite his hand in response.

“Owww, that fuckin’ hurt!” the voice barks as his arm squeezes my body tighter against his. 

I elbow and twist wildly in response, trying to get a better read on his emotions while mine are drowning in fear. 

“Take it easy,” he spits in between a few groans as my elbow makes contact.

I do the opposite and fight harder, giving all I’ve got.  A sharp pain radiates through my right arm as he twists it behind me and pushes it up my back.  My cry is stifled by his hand that he’s pressing against my mouth and nose, almost cutting off my air. 

He starts dragging me out the back door and down the stairs, and I kick backwards, hitting his shin.  A loud expletive leaves his mouth, and I’m rewarded with another sharp upward thrust of my arm, and I gasp in pain.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he growls, “so stop fighting me!”

Is he out of his flippin’ mind?
  I scream bloody murder as I see a dark gray van.  My heart is beating so hard it hurts.  Using all my strength, I struggle against the creep trying to kidnap me and throw my head back against his nose in a last ditch effort of escape. 

“Sonofabitch!” he yells, but his grip never relents as he pushes me inside the van. 

My body hits the metal floor as the door slams shut.  Raw fear spirals through me as I try to squint through the dark.  My emotions are heightened, clouding his, and I try to calm my panic.  I let out an ear-piercing scream as I lunge for the door, but he blocks my path.  Lashing out, I curl my fist and swing as hard as I can.  My knuckles explode in pain when they crash into his jaw. 

“Will you stop hitting me?” he yells, grabbing my arms and pushing me into a chair. 

“Let me go!” I scream, kicking savagely. 

“You can scream all you want; the van’s soundproof,” he states, his voice sounding as pissed as he feels.  He straddles my lap, and I let out another loud wail.  Slapping his hand over my mouth, he grabs duct tape, “On second thought, shut the hell up.”  He keeps his left arm pressed roughly against my chest and arms as he holds the duct tape with his right hand, ripping two long pieces off with his teeth. 

My eyes begin to acclimate to the dim lighting in the van and I can make out blue eyes and dark hair.  I would think he was attractive if he wasn’t currently taping my wrists to a chair, getting ready to do God knows what to me.  “Let me go, please,” I switch tactics. 

“I need a few answers first, then we’ll see,” he states, pulling against the duct tape to make sure it’s secure. 

“Answers?” My question comes out in a rush as I try to keep from hyperventilating when my wrists won’t even budge against my restraints.  “I don’t know anything.  Just let me go.”

He steps closer and I push back, causing an ear-splitting screech as the metal of the chair slides against the metal floor of the van.  “Don’t touch me, asshole!” I warn, my anger rioting as I feel his burning through me.

  “I’m not going to hurt you,” he barks, looking like he’s about to bust a vein trying to keep from yelling at me.  His eyes darken before he rakes a frustrated hand through his hair and grinds his jaw before speaking to me again, “I’m not the bad guy here.”

Glancing down at the duct tape currently pinning my wrists to the cold metal, I cut my eyes at him, flashing a sickeningly sweet sarcastic smile, “Oh, okay, I get it…so you’re supposed to be the good and cuddly kind of fucked-up, perverted bastard who likes to tie women to chairs, then.”

  Whatever he’s getting ready to say is cut off when the door opens.  The sun blinds me as it pours inside, and I open my mouth to scream but all air flees my lungs when I see him, the one person I ever trusted, ever loved; the one person who ever made me feel safe.  For years, Jensen was my air.  He was my redemption, my reason to take my next breath…then he was gone.  He always told me I was strong, but I didn't believe him until I was forced to be strong on my own, and I kept breathing without him.  I've taken forty-two million breaths since the moment he sent me away.  Now, four years later, he's standing in front of me, and I can barely breathe.  How is it possible that the one whose emotions I can’t feel is the one who makes me feel the most?  That night four years ago sears my soul and the pain threatens to destroy me all over again.

Jensen

“He’s going to act soon.  We don’t have time to wait on a team to arrive.  Andy and I will handle him,” I tell Darrin, one of the best men I know, aside from Andy, before ending the call.  Leaning against the side of the van, I groan.  This bastard is good and that is thoroughly pissing me off right now.

  “Jensen, I’ve got one for you,” Andy states, stepping out of the van and slamming the door I opened behind him, “but, I’m warning you, she’s got a mouth on her that rivals mine, man.”

“She?”  Banging my head against the van, I let out another groan, “You took a girl?”

“Your southern gentleman manners need to stand down on this one.  This girl’s got that sweet accent, too, but don’t let that fool you; she’ll shove her fist down your throat while kicking you hard in the balls.  She unleashed some dirty southern charm on me and I had to restrain her.” 

“You tied her up?” Pushing Andy aside, I go to open the door, “Shit, Andy, since when did we start taking girls and tying them up?”

“Since this girl bit the hell out of me,” Andy grumbles.

Giving Andy a glare letting him know this discussion is far from over, I slide the door the rest of the way open and freeze.  The entire world stops when I see the dark caramel eyes that have haunted me every damn night staring back at me.  A thousand thoughts spin through my head, but I can’t seem to form one coherent word as my chest aches from memories.  Flashes of the best moments in my life play on fast forward in my mind, right up until the worst night of my existence strikes me like a bolt of lightning.  “Saige,” I finally manage to rasp.

“Holy shit,” Andy lets out a low whistle, “so, she’s the one?”

Ignoring Andy, I watch the one girl who consumed me, healed me, fuckin’ wrecked me, slowly blink as she looks at me so intently, it feels she’s staring straight into my soul, just like she’s done a million times before.  Her eyes are different now…guarded?  Sad? Hours or a few seconds pass.  I don’t know which, before she releases the lip she’s been absently chewing on and speaks in that soft voice that used to bring me to my knees, “Can you please cut me loose?”

Shaking through the fog, I glance at her bound wrists. 
Shit
. “Of course,” I blurt, grabbing my knife.  As I place my hand on the tape, my fingers brush against her hand and she inhales sharply, looking away.  The sorrow in her eyes doesn’t go unnoticed, lancing my heart and sending me back to the night I sent her away, the night I felt like I lost my soul.  “Hold still, okay?” I say as I slice through her bonds, quickly taking her hands in mine and rubbing her red wrists with my thumbs.  “I’m sorry Andy restrained you,” I begin, but my voice trails as I look at her, not knowing what in the hell to say after all this time.  She’s beautiful.  She’s always been beautiful but, now, she’s…breathtaking.

Saige looks at my hands holding hers and slowly swallows.  I never thought I would touch her again, and she feels just like I remember, better than I remember. 

Andy clears his throat, and I know I’m going to catch hell later but I don’t care.  The only thing that matters right now is the woman I’ve thought about every day for the last four years. 

I open my arms to pull her to me, needing to feel her closer, to make sure she’s really here. “Damn, I’ve missed you,” I breathe, tangling my fingers in her hair as I brush my lips against her temple.

  “Don’t,” Saige whispers, pulling away, “please, don’t touch me.”

The raw pain in her voice makes me want to hold her, protect her, but I’m the one who caused her pain.  My chest aches seeing her hurting.  I reach for her again, but she pushes me away, anger replacing the sorrow in her eyes. 

“I said don’t touch me, Jensen!” Saige seethes, jumping out of the chair and jerking the van door open. 

  “Saige, wait,” I call after her, not ready to let her go after she’s been out of my life for way too long. 

“Hold up, princess.  You can’t leave,” Andy slams the door shut again, “we haven’t found out your connection to the bomber.”

Saige spins around, clenching both fists, as she looks between Andy and me with confusion clouding her beautiful eyes. 

“Easy, girl,” Andy warns, holding his hands in front of him, “I’d hate to have to tie you up again.”

“No one’s tying anyone up, Andy,” I snap.  “She has nothing to do with that bastard.”

“She was in his apartment.”

“So were you!” Saige spouts back.

“What the hell were you doing in the bomber’s apartment, Saige?” I ask a little louder than intended and I struggle to soften my tone, which is almost impossible knowing how dangerous this bastard is and not wanting her anywhere near him.  “He’s killed at least seventy people already.”

I see the shock resonate in her eyes before she thrusts her finger towards my chest, that determined glare I’m very familiar with piercing me.  “What are you even doing here?  How do you know about this man and why are you after him?” Saige peppers me with questions.

Letting out a long breath, I rake my hand through my hair, wanting to explain everything, every damn second that led up to this moment.  She deserves to know the truth, but now is not the time, “That’s a long story.  I’ll tell you all you want to know after the bomber’s taken care of.”

“Your father is behind you being here isn’t he?”

My jaw tightens.  He is, but not even close to the way she thinks he’s involved.

Saige shakes her head, “Of course he is.”

Andy waves his hand in front of my face, “Not to sound like a nag or anything, but I have no idea what’s going on here, and, as interesting as it is standing on the sidelines watching this confusing as hell banter bounce between you and your girl about something I don’t have a clue about, I still want to know why she was in the bomber’s apartment tonight.”

“I’m not his girl,” Saige informs Andy through gritted teeth, and hearing her say that cuts like hell.  She’s been my girl since we were kids, that didn’t change the night she went away.  That will never change.  Not for me anyway.

Pulling myself together, I think of Andy’s question.  I’m pretty sure I already know the answer, but I ask anyway, “What were you doing in there?”

“He’s getting ready to kill more people, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let that happen.  I was looking for evidence when this perverted dumbass grabbed me.”

“Hey, watch it,” Andy scoffs.

“Andy and I will handle him.  You need to walk away, Saige,” I warn.  “You can’t get involved in this one.”

“Really?” she mocks, “that’s not your decision to make.  Whatever this guy’s planning, it’s going to kill people I know.”

“I won’t let that happen,” I try to reassure her. 

“Good.  We’re on the same page, then.  You and your pretty boy lackey can do your thing…whatever in the hell that is, and I’ll do mine,” Saige replies flippantly, completely unlike her…well, unlike the girl she was before. 

“Pretty boy lackey?  That is the best you can do, princess?” Andy taunts.

“Shut-up, Andy,” I bark before turning back to Saige.  “Stay away from him.  I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“It’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” Her words drip venomously.  I don’t blame her.  I would hate me, too.  Hell, I do hate me; I have since I turned away from her when she begged me not to make her go.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, and I am.  I’m so fuckin’ sorry I hurt her, but I had to make sure she was safe, just like I have to do now.  “Let’s get your things and take you to my hotel room.  Stay there until I get back and we’ll talk.”

“No!  You don’t own me, and you have no right to make decisions for me.  You never did!”

I reach for her, but she jerks her hand away, the action feeling like a punch to my gut.  Softening my voice, I shove my hands inside my pockets, forcing myself not to grab her, pull her towards me, and make her understand as I explain, “I’m not trying to own you, Saige.  I’m trying to set you free!”

Saige looks at me for a few seconds, her eyes a haunting mix of vulnerability and determination.  For one brief moment, she looks as if she might cry.  That moment passes, and a smile curves the corners of her tortured lips as she leans in so close to me, I can smell the soft scent of lilac and mandarin on her skin as she whispers, “Bullshit.”

“I’ve never lied to you, Saige!  Not once!”  Anger spills into my words and seems to permeate her dark eyes, making them burn with pain and rage.

“You never lied to me?” Saige laughs bitterly. “I used to watch the clock every day, praying for the seconds to tick by faster so I could be with you.  When I was with you, nothing else mattered; the only people who existed, the only damn feeling that existed, was us!  You made me feel free.  I loved watching you play Superman and try so hard to obtain some form of power so you could be a hero, like him, but, to me, you were a hero.  You were
my
hero, my Superman!  Then, one day you just stopped talking about him; you changed, but you never stopped being my hero…until the day you had them send me away.”

“You know why I did that!  I sent you away to protect you, Saige,” I yell, raking my hands roughly through my hair, trying to expel the guilt and pain.  “I’ve never stopped protecting you…never.”

The hurt in her eyes kills me, and I step closer to her, slowly running a strand of her hair through my fingers.  “And, what do you think of me now, Saige?” I ask, needing her to understand, to know that I never stopped loving her, and desperately needing her absolution.

Her eyes fill with tears as she takes a step away from me.  The sadness in her voice rips through my soul, “Fuck Superman.”

The ache in my chest intensifies.  Her breathing is labored as she glares at me, her fists coiled tightly at her side.  She brings her soft, full bottom lip punishingly between her teeth again.  Her eyes are screaming at me, but she says nothing.  A full minute passes as I search for the right words to say.  My time runs out as she blinks back tears before turning to leave.

“What are you going to do?” I yell after her pathetically. 

“Find him,” Saige states simply, not taking the time to slow down.

“By yourself?  What the hell do you plan to do with him after you find him, Saige?”

“Stop him,” she replies, quickening her pace.

“Will you stop walking already and answer me with more detail than two fucking words?”

Andy catches up and pushes me to the side, “Don’t get her talking more! I like her a helluva lot better when she uses less words.”

“Shut-up, Andy,” I warn before damning my pride and running after her.  When I grab Saige’s arm, she flinches and tries to pull away.

I immediately release her, shocked by her reaction. “I’m not going to hurt you,” I barely manage to force the words out through the pain crushing my chest as I witness the brief shot of fear in her eyes. 

Her lips part like she’s going to give another smartass remark, but she closes them, pressing those full lips together so tightly they start to pale. 

“You don’t have to do this.  You can walk away and start over somewhere else.  I’ll help you, Saige.  I taught you how to control the emotions.  No one has to know what you can do, and you can have a life without all of this.”

“
You
might be able to just walk away from people, but I can’t do something like that so easily,” she seethes, the pain burning so brightly it sets my heart on fire. Her eyes close, darkening when she opens them again, “If I walk away, people die.  I won’t let that happen just so I can have some pathetic semblance of a normal life.” 

Her bottom lip starts to tremble before it’s quickly sent back to its persecutor and bit so hard I flinch for her and quickly rub my thumb against the punished flesh, freeing the tender skin before it begins to bleed. 

“Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” I growl, wanting to suck her lip into my mouth and taste its sweetness like I’ve done a thousand times in the past.  Damn, I want her so badly, my body aches.  “I just wanted you to have a real chance to put all the shit behind you.”

Taking a step closer to me, her eyes sear my entire being.  The intoxicating scent of her kills me, but it’s her agony that is torturing as she whispers, “You expect me to just walk away from them to save myself?”  The bitter laugh that leaves her lips is so unlike the Saige I remember.  Her eyes close again.  When they open, they hold me prisoner as she asks, “Could you?”

I run my hand down her neck and gently fist her hair as I lean so close, I can feel the warmth of her breath against my lips.  “You have no idea what I would do, just how far I would go, when it comes to you, Saige.”

She swallows hard and her voice breaks, “Yes, I do.”

For a few seconds, I see the old Saige, a spark of the innocence that beckoned me like saving grace thirteen years ago.  Then, her fist connects hard against my jaw before I have the chance to see it coming.  Biting back a pained grunt, I roughly swipe my hand against my lip, wiping away the blood.  My anger vanishes as soon as I see her body trembling.  The wild look in her eyes rips my fucking heart out. 

“Stay away from me, Jensen,” Saige whispers so quietly, I can barely hear her.