Feel (6 page)

A sharp shake of her head is my response.  Saige makes her way to the back of the van.  She just sits there, staring out the back window.  She needs space right now just as much as I need to wrap her in my arms and never let her go.  It’s so damn hard to turn away and leave her like that. 

“Why don’t you go inside and grab the rest of our things.  I’ll stay with her.  Besides, it will give your eyes a break from darting back and forth.  You’re starting to make me dizzy, man,” Andy cracks quietly when he pulls into the hotel parking lot. 

Glancing back, I squeeze the bridge of my nose.  My head is pounding like a jackhammer.  “Yeah, alright.  I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll be right here.”

I open the door, then pause.

“I’ll keep an eye on her.  Go.”

Andy’s gaze is serious, a rarity for him. 

I give him an appreciative nod. 

The sun is punishing as I step onto the cracked asphalt.  My head spins with all the shit that happened this morning as I pack the few things we left.  The bed where I held Saige last night is still unmade.  The sheets are rumpled from where her body slept pressed so tightly against mine.  Holding her was the best thing I’ve done in four years.  Feeling her in my arms was better than I remembered.  I knew my life was nothing without her, but I’d tried to tell myself that I wasn’t as screwed-up as I felt with her gone.  I wasn’t fooling myself one bit.  I’ve missed everything about her.  The way her skin felt underneath my fingers, how her sweet, hot breath felt blowing against my neck, and how her hair tangled in the stubble on my chin every time she scooted closer to me.  I’ve held her hundreds of times.  The way her body fit perfectly next to mine, like my arms were created just for her, meant to do nothing but hold her, she made me feel right even when nothing else in the world was; she was
my
right, my way, my fucking everything. 

Saige hasn’t moved.  She’s still staring out at nothing as I throw the bag in the back.  Stepping behind her, I brush her long, soft hair over her shoulder before wrapping my arms around her waist, where hers are still rigidly wrapped.  Slipping my fingers through hers, I pull her against my chest, lowering my lips to her shoulder as I brush my mouth against her skin.  I know I shouldn’t, but it feels natural, so right. 

“How you holding up?” I whisper, worried if I speak any louder, she’ll come undone.  I wouldn’t mind if she did; hell, I kind of wish she would instead of bottling all this shit up inside of her, but I know she feels she can’t. 

Her warmth stays with me a few seconds after she slips from my arms.  “I’m fine.  Let’s just go, please.”

Andy cranks the ignition and she sits next to him this time, leaving me staring at the back of her head, wondering what in the hell I’m going to do with her, the girl who owns every damn part of me.  The next four hours pass quickly, and I’m still nowhere closer to figuring out things than I was before, when Andy pulls into a motel.

“I don’t know about you two, but I need a hot shower and some sustenance before I can go any further.”  Andy stretches for good measure.  I’ve seen him going thirty-six hours non-stop before.  It’s not him who needs a break.  Just another reminder of why he’s my friend. 

Stretching my battered body, I take a look at the hotel that isn’t as crappy as the previous one, which makes me feel more comfortable with getting Saige her own room.  I just wish they were adjoining.  She looks exhausted when I leave her inside her room to take a shower.  We’re only a few doors down, and I stand outside staring at her closed door like a freaking idiot for several minutes, wanting to crash through her door and break down every damn barrier she has built between us.  I caused those barriers; I’m man enough to admit that, but I’m too much of a fucking coward to tell her how I feel, how I’ve felt for her for so long.  Love like that doesn’t die with time, just the person missing that love does.

Letting out a loud, defeated groan, I kick at a few loose pebbles before unlocking the door to my room.  Andy’s out of the shower and studying a few brochures lying on the small particle wood table next to his bed.  He nods his head towards the towels, arching his brow but saying nothing.  We’ve been friends long enough for us to know when to keep our mouths shut. 

The spray hits my head and I wince.  The cut doesn’t seem deep enough to need stitches but it still hurts like hell.  Andy’s already checked out the local restaurants by the time I’m done dressing and step out of the bathroom. 

“How we doing on funds?” Andy asks, trying to sound like he’s not worried about our slim budget. 

“We’re good for a few more weeks,” I stretch the truth a bit.  It’s more like two weeks, max.  We’ve gone through what I had in checking weeks ago and are on the last of my savings.  If we don’t find this bastard soon, I’m going to have to give up the hunt until I can do a few more jobs to save up again or sell the shop.  This asshole keeps giving me new reasons to hate him. 

  “If you weren’t such a tightwad and gave me a raise, I could pay for more of this little joyride,” Andy cracks.

“For your slack ass?” I joke.  “Please, I’m already giving you handouts for doing nothing but sitting on your worthless butt all day.” 

  Andy throws his dirty shirt at me, laughing, “Worthless, my ass.  ROR would still be a pipe dream if it weren’t for my unrivaled brilliance.”

Reckless on Rails wouldn’t be in existence, at least not without a few more years of blood, sweat, and tears, if it weren’t for Andy’s familial connection to the best bike mechanic in SoCal.  Bronx gave me a chance, and now I have my own mechanic shop in Northern California where I, along with Andy, Darrin, and Axe, specialize in building customized bikes.  For the past couple of months, I’ve become more of an unpaid bounty hunter or badgeless cop working with a team of psychic vigilantes than a Motorcycle Mechanic.  My head pounds until my temples pulsate to each thud. 
How in the hell did I end up like this?

“What are you going to do with the girl a few doors down who has you whipped like a pathetic pansyass?”

“I have no idea,” I admit, not even trying to deny his accusation.  I am pathetic and whipped.  That girl owns me. 

“Seriously, bro, I’ve never seen you like this.  I know she meant something to you by the way you refused to ever mention her, but I had no idea she meant this much,” he pauses, glancing at me, “she seems pretty pissed at you.  If her trying to knock off your head wasn’t an indication that she has some unresolved issues with how you ended it, her shrugging away from you every time you touch her should clue you in.”

“I got that she’s pissed,” I snap, but I’m worried a helluva lot more about how she’s hurt from what I did than how mad she is at me. 

Andy walks across the room, placing his hand on my shoulder, “Just be careful.  She doesn’t seem too keen on forgiving and forgetting.”

“Not yet,” I reply, squaring my jaw, “but she will.”  She has to.

Andy looks like he’s getting ready to say something else, but I grab my wallet and the keys, “I’ll see if Saige is ready and we’ll get something to eat.”

“Whatever you say,” Andy sighs.

I let the door slam behind me, wishing I could do the same with my emotions.  Swearing under my breath, I raise my hand to knock on Saige’s door but it swings open and my jaw drops. 

Saige is standing in front of me with soaking wet hair, no makeup, a grass green flowing tank top, tight, dark jeans, and black combat boots.  She looks freaking gorgeous. 

The bulge in my jeans swells painfully, aching to be buried deep inside of her.  Repeatedly.  “You hungry?” is the best I can manage at the moment, and even those words come out gruff.

“Starving.”

So am I, pretty girl.  Fucking ravenous.

Moving my arm in front of me, I place my other hand on the small of her back, wishing I could slip my fingers inside the edge of her shirt and slide them against her soft flesh, “Let’s feed you then.”

Andy locks our door and joins us as we head towards the lobby.  “There’s a Greek restaurant a couple of blocks up if you like that kind of food.”

“I love Greek cuisine,” Saige mumbles, her eyes quickly falling towards the ground. 

Andy’s confused gaze darts back and forth between her and me before he throws up his shoulders.

I just shake my head, mouthing ‘nothing’.  The last place I took Saige a few days before she left for New York to the private music school was the new Greek restaurant that had just opened back home.  We almost made love that night after we spent hours eating and laughing at the packed restaurant.  Afterwards, I had taken her to our field and we lay in the grass holding hands as we stared up at the stars that had shone down on us too many nights to count.  We talked for the longest time.  She told me her dreams, including me in every one of them.  The way she was with me was so much more than just making me a part of her life; she made me a part of her. 

I had pulled her on top of me, brushing her hair off her beautiful face with my thumbs, before claiming her lips with mine.  I kissed her with every ounce of hunger in me that night, needing her more than I needed to breathe.  I wanted her so badly, I lost my self-control and almost went too far.  I could have had her that night.  Damn, I wanted her so fucking bad, but she wasn’t ready.  She was sixteen and I was seventeen.  Neither of us had ever been with anyone like that before.  I never wanted anyone but her.  It took all my strength to pull away from her that night.  I would have waited forever for her if it weren’t for my father.  I hated him.  A part of me still does.  Saige would still be mine if he hadn’t caused all the shit that tore us apart.  Her leaving destroyed me.  I went from being a virgin to sleeping with tons of women.  If they were willing, I had them, but none of them filled the void.  They just made that damn hole so much bigger.

Andy pushes my shoulder, dragging me back to the present. 

Saige’s eyes are still glued to the ground and that bottom lip of hers is being suckled between her teeth. 
Holy freaking mother of all that’s good, I need that damn lip in my mouth.
 

Adjusting myself, I bite back a groan.  “Greek’s good.”

The restaurant is bigger than the one back home but smells just as mouthwatering.  The television in the corner is showing shots of the damage at the college, and Saige’s face turns so white I’m afraid she’s going to faint.  Not asking permission, I reach up and turn the devastation off before running my hand down Saige’s arm. 

She pulls away from me like I’ve burned her. 

Andy tries to keep a conversation going, but Saige hasn’t spoken any words other than ordering a salad, and she’s barely touching her food.  She’s not one of those girls who order only salads and water.  She loves food as much as I do.  It’s unbearable sitting here watching her lifeless eyes stare blankly into space and her body do nothing but go through the motions.  I know I screwed up, but seeing her like this is torture.  I miss her.  I miss the Saige I knew, and I know she’s in there behind this wall she’s built to keep me out.  If she thinks I’m just going to sit back and watch her drown in misery, she needs a reminder of who I am.  Tearing off a large bite of my chicken gyro, I wait until Saige opens her mouth to put her fork with a measly piece of lettuce inside, and I grab her hand, shoving the gyro between her lips instead. 

“What the hell?” she grumbles with her mouth full. 

“I need to see at least a shadow of the girl I used to know tonight before it drives me out of my damn mind, Saige!”

Andy chokes on his beer, trying not to laugh at her pissed-off expression. 

“Shoving a piece of meat down my throat is supposed to spark something from me?” she sputters between swallows.

“Depends on the piece of meat he’s shoving down your throat,” Andy croaks before bursting into a fit of laughter. 

“Shut-up!” Saige seethes, grabbing Andy’s beer and taking a long swig. 

Andy reaches for his beer, but she smacks his hand with the salad tongs.  “Damn, woman, will you stop hitting me already?”

I tear the rest of my gyro in half and place it on her plate.  “At least eat like you used to.”

“Fine,” she glowers, taking a bite.

“You two play nice,” I warn before grabbing the check and heading towards the register. 

The line is long, and it’s been a few minutes when Andy steps next to me. 

“Where’s Saige?”

“Bathroom,” Andy mumbles, flexing his hand.  “That one’s got a mean streak.”  He chuckles when he looks at me, “I bet all that fire is sexy as hell in bed.”

“I wouldn’t know,” I gripe.

“Unbelievable!  You’ve let some girl get your panties all twisted and you haven’t even bagged her yet.”

“She’s not just some girl to screw.  She’s better than that,” I growl, getting pissed at how he’s talking about Saige.

“Then tell her that, dumbass,” he barks, smacking me on the back of the head.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath.  Andy’s right.  He usually is.  I just wish he didn’t get off on getting me all riled up before making his point.  I drop the money and tip on top of the ticket, mumbling a rushed thanks before stepping outside.  The air hits me, refreshing my senses as I watch the sun fading to purple and orange.  Needing to cool off, I shed my over shirt and throw it in the van.  I hear a high pitched giggle, and I groan.