Feel (8 page)

My jaw drops.  I stare at him, completely bewildered.  “Why did you do that?”

“If someone hurts you, they’re gonna get fucked up - that’s just a given, Saige,” Jensen states so honestly and naturally, I’m at a loss of what to say for a few seconds as I follow him outside, through the front door he holds open for me. 

The temperature has dropped, and the cool air surrounds me, chilling my bare skin.  I welcome the distraction of the wind and the sound of the concrete underneath my boots as we walk.  “He didn’t actually hurt me, Jensen,” I finally find the words to speak.

“He thought about it.  That’s enough to beat the hell out of him.”

I’m back to being quiet for a few minutes as he studies me with those sexy, brooding, dark green eyes.  My head is spinning from the vodka and beer, and it’s weakening my defenses.  The way Jensen is looking at me right now is so familiar and comforting but so damn tempting.  Everything about him makes me want his touch.  I don’t want to give him that power over me again.  He’s right; I am strong, but I don’t want to have to survive the pain from him shattering my heart a second time.  I can walk away from him.  I can live without him.  But I don’t want to do either of those things.  We used to be so good together, but that got lost somewhere.  Too many nights I’ve lain awake trying to remember when we started falling apart, but I never could.  Everything felt so right with him.  I felt right with him. 

Searching his face, I see the same man I fell in love with.  He looks the same but also so different…hardened and sad.  My gaze falls to his arms, carefully studying the tattoos covering his muscles all the way down his tan skin to his wrists. 

He says nothing, just remains quiet, giving me time to see the meaning behind the ink. 

A sob threatens to erupt, burning my throat.  Each piece of art tells a story of us, from the stars above our field to my name etched in beautiful scripted calligraphy inside a violin.  “If you wanted to get rid of me, why did you do that to yourself?” I can barely breathe as I force the words out of my mouth, miraculously keeping the tears from falling. 

His hands find my waist, pulling me close.  “I never wanted to get rid of you, pretty girl.  Don’t you see that?  You’re not someone anyone can rid themselves of.  It’s just not possible.”  His lips that have kissed me so completely a thousand times part, slowly lowering to mine, and for a second, I almost make myself forget.  He can say whatever he wants but the truth is, he did get rid of me.  At least physically. 

“I called you,” I whisper, repressing a shudder at how I tried so hard to reach him so he would get me out of that awful place.  I push angrily against his chest, “You never answered.” 

“Please, don’t.  Don’t push me away from you again, Saige,” he pleads.  The supplication in his voice slices my heart. 

I slowly blink before looking up into his afflicted gaze, “Tell me why I shouldn’t?”

His hand finds my cheek as his lips curve into a sad smile, “Because the world is tainted.  It isn’t perfect.  You learned that at a much younger age than any child should ever have to.  All my life I’ve tried to give you some piece of happiness, some way for you to feel love firsthand.  That was real, Saige.  I loved you; I still do, dammit! But I’m not perfect either.  I wanted to do right by you.  I wanted to keep you safe and I wanted to believe that what I did that night was doing that.  I know I was wrong because there’s no way that I could feel like shit every damn day since that night if what I did was right.  I’m sorry, Saige.  I should’ve answered when you called.  I should’ve done a lot of things.  I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” 

Jensen caresses my skin with his thumb.  His voice breaks and he works hard to keep it steady, “You feel everything.  Without you, I feel nothing.  Nothing but the fucking pain from you being gone.”

I watch as Jensen blinks back tears.  It’s only the second time I’ve ever seen him even close to crying.  The night he had my parents send me to the private institution, I saw the tears well in his eyes as mine were streaming down my face when they drove me away.  He may have had them send me to that godforsaken place, but, seeing him now, broken and tormented because he hurt me, there’s no way he could’ve known what happened to me while I was there.

I place my hand over his, leaning my cheek against the warmth of his touch before backing away so I can see him.  I’m insane for falling for him again, but it seems my heart isn’t giving me a choice at the moment, ignoring how the rest of me is scared as hell it will never survive if he breaks it this time.

“I don’t want you to hurt,” I whisper.  I don’t. 

“Then, please stop fighting what we are together and get your stubborn ass over here so I can kiss you like I haven’t seen your pretty face in four long fucking years.”

  I take one step towards him and that’s all he needs to wrap me in his arms, pulling me against his chest to close the rest of the distance between us as his hungry mouth collides against mine.  His teeth nip the fullness of my bottom lip then his tongue caresses and strokes the sensitive, tingling skin.  All strength in my body is stolen by the liberating dominance in his kiss, bruising and healing wrapped in one breathtaking seduction.  My knees no longer work, but the rest of my body becomes alive, responding to his touch, awakening me from the emptiness I’ve lived in for so long.  This is what I’ve craved.  What I’ve missed.  His taste, scent, and touch have haunted me, and I breathe them all in deeply now, terrified they will be gone again.

His fingers slide against my neck before softly tangling my hair in his fist.  My head spins at his gentle touch mixed with his rough, passionate kiss.  My lips part, granting his tongue all the access it wants, and he takes it greedily, sliding his tongue against mine, taming and setting me free.  His kiss is scorching, searing me as liquid heat pulses low in my stomach.  I feel the damp cotton pressing against where I need him to be so badly right now. Soft whimpers rumble up my throat, the needy pants muffled against his hot mouth. Jensen’s hand pulls me flush to his body and I feel him, hardened and throbbing, against my stomach.  My gasp fills the air.  I twist my waist, straddling myself against the muscles on his thigh. 

“Damn, Saige, stop moving like that or this is going to turn into much more than just a kiss,” Jensen rasps huskily.  He plunges his tongue inside my mouth, pressing his lips roughly against mine. 

I melt into him as he bounces between plundering my depths and suckling my lip inside his hot, moist mouth.  A trail of exquisite shivers wake down my neck as he gently bites my earlobe, swirling his tongue over the delicate, wanting flesh before moving his mouth down my skin.  I tilt my head, pressing my neck against his lips and wickedly talented tongue.  A need-filled groan leaves my lips as they part.  I bite down, trying to stifle the cries of my desire from his sweet torture as I rub my jean clad wet heat against his upper thigh.  His kiss and touch are everything good in this life and I need both so damn much right now.  I need to feel everything from Jensen and nothing of everything else.  Just for a little while.  I rub harder against his thigh.  My breath comes out in ragged, shallow puffs as I begin to build higher.

Jensen groans, the thick rumble quaking against my lips.  He slows the fevered momentum until his lips softly brush against mine.  “I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed doing that with you,” he breathes into my neck, engulfing me in his embrace.  His hands circle my waist, gently sliding me down his thigh.  His voice is solemn, “I will give you whatever release you need, Saige, but not here.”

Our location sinks into me and I quickly look around.  I had forgotten about the bar, about being outside in a public place; his touch consumed all of me.  The dark shelters us and we’re alone, but that can change any second.  I laugh softly and sink into his strength.  Jensen’s clean, earthy, masculine scent surrounds me.  It’s provokingly comforting.  For him to be immune to me, I’m completely under his control.  I would hate that if it were anyone else who had me at their mercy.  We stay tangled in each other’s arms for several minutes before he reluctantly pulls back.  My cheeks and inner thighs are still in flames when I tilt my chin towards him. 

His green eyes shine down and that breathtaking smile is meant just for me.  Like it used to be every day.

“I know exactly how much you’ve missed that,” I admit, trying to calm the pounding in my heart as I run my tongue across my swollen lips.  “I’ve missed it just as much.”

Strong, gentle fingers slip underneath my chin.  “You’re so damn amazing.”  His lips curve, “And beautiful.  You still wreck me, pretty girl.  None of that’s changed.” 

“And you still have that damn Superman complex,” I return his smile, and we both laugh.  That small release feels good.  Not nearly as good as the release I want right now, but it’s a start.  My gaze shifts to the bar, “Thank you for coming after me tonight.” 

He doesn’t say anything, just nods.  His eyes darken, and I wish I could read what he’s feeling as he wraps his arm around my shoulders.  We walk a few minutes before he takes out his phone and calls Andy, asking him to pick us up.  I can tell Jensen wants to ask where my head is at right now, but I’m not completely sure where we stand so I remain quiet until Andy arrives.

Jensen opens the passenger door, grabbing a hoodie and wrapping it around me before pulling the seatbelt across my lap, buckling it.  I’m nowhere near buzzed enough not to be able to handle doing it myself, but I let him.  It feels good to be taken care of.

Jensen slides into the driver’s seat and Andy bumps my shoulder.  I feel his empathy and apprehension. 
Damn, he’s so freaking hard to figure out.
  There aren’t many words said by any of us on the drive to the motel.  As the van rolls to a stop, Andy places his hand on my wrist.  “Give me a minute with your girl, here.”

Jensen’s eyes move between Andy and me and we both nod.  His fingers reach for mine, giving a little squeeze, before he leaves the van, shutting the door behind him. 

Andy hops into the driver’s seat and turns towards me.  His blue eyes study me for a few seconds and his emotions are so screwed up, neither one of us can decipher them for a minute.  Finally, the uneasiness fades and he nods his head over his shoulder, “So, trying not to love him isn’t working out for you so well, huh?”

“And I thought I was the one who could read emotions,” I crack softly. 

“Yours are pretty much on your sleeve right now, princess,” he tugs on the sleeve of the hoodie, smiling. 

“Ah, so you’re back to calling me that.  I thought we were over it,” I tease. 

“Nope.  Just giving you a short reprieve.  I figured you earned it today.” 

Silence fills the van again.  Andy seems a helluva lot more comfortable with the quiet than me, which is funny given how he never shuts up.  It seems like forever before he stops trying to figure me out with that blue piercing gaze. 

“I don’t know much about you, but I know Jensen like a brother.  Except for the whole story about what happened between the two of you.  All I know about this is you being gone pretty much fucked him up, unless he was already that way before I met him.”  He laughs, raking a hand through his dark hair, “But I seriously doubt that.  The look on his face yesterday was clue enough that you’re the one who muddled his head.  You did a damn good job of it, too.”

I want to yell at him, tell him that I’m not the one who muddled anything, but I can tell he’s not accusing.  Besides, if I wasn’t how I am then that night wouldn’t have happened, so I guess I’m not blameless in all of this. 

“Just don’t fuck him up anymore, alright?” Andy cracks a tilted grin, “If you do, I’ll duct tape your ass to the chair again and make you listen to me talking to you for days.”

I let out a hearty laugh, beginning to like Jensen’s friend and his loyalty to him a bit more.  “How ‘bout you tell him the same thing?”

Andy shakes his head, leaning back against the window.  “No need,” he states simply, “I know him well enough to know that boy is never gonna let you go again.”  He chucks his fist playfully against the bottom of my chin before leaving me alone in the van.

Andy’s words swim in my head.  I want to believe them.  I’m starting to…and I have an equal dose of fear and excitement over that.

Jensen and Andy are talking in hushed tones when I join them.  Both shut-up when they see me coming.  For once, I wish I could read minds instead of the jumbled mess radiating from Andy.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I have two lovely ladies waiting for more of this rockin’ bod.  Since we’re here for just the night I figure I might as well let them have as much of me as they can handle.”  Andy flashes a cocky grin and nods his head my way as he faces Jensen, “I’m sure I can go back to one of their places but since we have two rooms, I was thinking you can crash with Saige tonight.” 

I hold my breath, waiting to hear his response. 

Jensen hesitates, “I can sleep in the van.”

Disappointment gnaws in my chest, and I decide to throw it out there before I change my mind, “There are two beds in my room.  It’s senseless to not use one.”

“You sure?” Jensen asks. 

I know there’s more behind that question than he’s letting on, but I’m more than sure that I don’t want to be alone tonight and I’m fairly sure he feels the same.  I’m also sure that there is no fighting what I feel for him.  I don’t want to anymore. 

“She’s sure,” Andy answers for me, giving me a look letting me know that I better be.