Feel (3 page)

“Let me help you.”

She spins, never breaking her pace as she walks backwards and holds up her wrists, “No thanks; you’ve already shown me your version of help, twice, and I’d prefer to save my own ass.”

“That girl definitely didn’t get enough hugs from her daddy and had her candy stolen and puppy kicked too many times growing up.  Talk about issues, she’d make psychologists all hot and wet to get her on their couch,” Andy cracks, and I grind my teeth, knowing she never got any hugs from her dad or her mom, ever, not once.  “Damn, Jensen, that girl is barely hanging on the ledge here.  I know you loved her, but I think you need to just let her walk away.” 

“That is not the type of woman you let just walk, Andy,” I growl, thrusting my finger towards the alley, wishing like hell I didn’t let her walk away for the first time.  “I did love her.  I still do.  Once you fall in love with Saige, you don’t ever stop loving her - you can’t.” 

  “You can’t?  That’s bullshit, man, and you know it.  You’re talking like some whipped pansy who needs his ass kicked.  You’re immune to people like her. What do you mean you can’t?” 

Glaring at Andy, I make damn sure he knows to shut his trap before I shut it for him.  “I’m immune to the gifts people like her and you have, but I’m not immune to Saige.  She owns as much of my soul as I do, probably more.  But, you’re right about one thing; I do need my ass kicked.  I had to get her away from my father and I thought sending her to the music school would give her a chance to have a normal life doing something she loves.  Obviously, I was wrong.”  Looking down the alley, I shake my head, confused as hell, “What is she doing across the country at a college that doesn’t even have music classes?”

“A lot can change in four years, but we don’t have the time to contemplate that right now,” Andy states the obvious, staring at me like I’ve lost my mind.  He’s never seen me react this way to any girl, and there have been a lot of them. 

“I have to get her away from the college.  I’ll meet you in the quad in an hour.” I leave Andy standing there speechless, staring after me as I head down the alley.  There’s no way I’m going to lose Saige again.  “Wait your stubborn butt up,” I demand, falling in step next to Saige.

She rolls her eyes and groans, “I thought I made myself pretty clear back there.”

“I thought the same about what I said, too.  I’ll walk you back to your dorm room and we can talk while we pack your things to take to the hotel.”  I hope the finality in my tone will be enough to get her to agree, but I seriously doubt it.

She’s quiet for a few seconds.  The warm breeze blows her long, dark hair away from her face, and I almost lose my breath.  Memories of touching that face, kissing her lips and the sweet, salty skin of her neck attack me, causing my dick to swell and cock painfully.  Having her close enough to take her hand is the sweetest hell.  I want to wrap her fingers in mine, go back to when it was just her and me lying out in the field all those nights.  The distant haze in her eyes when she looks at me makes Andy’s words ring in my head.  Swallowing the fear lodged in my throat that maybe too much has changed between us, I refuse to believe that could be true. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Her voice is hesitant.

Words jumble in my head and I worry about saying the wrong ones.  Gritting my teeth at my newfound cowardice, I force myself to begin, “That night, I couldn’t explain, but I wanted to.” 

Saige tenses.  I reach for her hand, but she pulls it away, wrapping her arms tightly around her chest as she walks across the campus parking lot.

“If I told you why I asked you to go, I was afraid you wouldn’t leave.”

“You kept warning me to hide my abilities, and I couldn’t.  It caused you problems and you were tired of my crap.  I get it,” she shrugs, wrapping her arms further around herself.

“No, Saige, that’s not it at all.”  I take a deep breath, “I understand why you didn’t hide what you can do.  You chose to help people even when it took everything from you.  I was proud of you.  I’ve always been proud of you.”

“Then why did you tell me to stop telling people when I saw that bad things were going to happen to them?”

Damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be.  “People were starting to talk and paying attention to you.” I pause, trying to figure out how to explain that my father and brother were starting to ask questions.  I’m given an extra minute to figure out the best way to explain when we reach the stairs leading to the hall where her dorm room is. 

Saige takes the stairs two at a time. 

I follow her, trying to pry my eyes off her long, tan legs leading to her full, firm ass covered in just the right length of denim shorts.  At least that’s one thing about Saige that hasn’t changed - her shyness.  Her 5’7” frame is slight and curved perfectly.  Her choice of clothing isn’t the typical super short shorts and skin sucking top.  What she wears covers her but is still sexy enough to torture a man with wondering what lies beneath.  I’ve spent years being tortured.  Today doesn’t seem to be any different. 

Saige’s hand rests on the knob.  Her fingernails are a bright blue.  The color of the sky.  Another thing that hasn’t changed about Saige, it looks like she’s still painting her nails happy colors.  From the day I met her, she’s plastered bright, cheerful colors on her fingers and toes, trying to give herself a piece of happiness to feel each day.  Seeing the same color on her nails today as the sky we used to look up at together for hours as we lay in the grass, is both comforting and fucking heartbreaking.  It’s been several seconds and her hand is still on the doorknob.  I can see her shoulders rising and falling with her shallow breathing, probably wondering if she should let me inside. 

“I’ll tell you anything you want to know,” I promise.

Wordlessly, she slips inside and leans against the door.  Her hand still has a death grip on the doorknob and I grin when I see her wrist. 

“You’re still wearing the bracelet I gave you,” I whisper, brushing my thumb across the worn leather.

Saige pulls her wrist away. “Don’t get all emotional.  I just happen to like the bracelet,” she mumbles, her eyes not quite meeting mine. 

The grin never leaves my lips, not buying that excuse.  Maybe there is still some hope left. 

“So talk,” Saige prompts, plopping down on the bed on the far side of the tiny room.  Her eyes are fixated on mine, a mixture of too many emotions to decipher. 

“Start packing, and I will,” I softly demand while tossing a duffle bag next to her that was peeking from underneath her bed. 

She gives me a scathing glare before letting out a resigned sigh, “Fine.”

I glance around the room.  The difference between the two sides stands out drastically.  Her roommate’s half is decorated in all the girly crap that’s expected, from fluffy purple pillows on the bright bedspread to pictures plastered on the wall of friends, and posters of shirtless men.  My heart tugs in my chest when I stare at Saige’s blank walls and picture free desk. 

“You said you were going to talk.  I’m waiting.” Saige’s annoyed tone snaps my attention back to why I’m here and why I made her walk out of my life four years ago. 

“You mentioned my father earlier,” I begin again, my throat going dry, “I am here because of him but not because of what you think.”

Saige stops pretending to pack and looks at me questioningly.

“I’m not working for my father,” my jaw tenses, “I’m actually working against him.”

Saige’s nose scrunches, “What do you mean?”

“My father doesn’t work for the government.”

“You lied about that, too?” she asks softly, her voice raw.

Too?
  “I didn’t lie.  I didn’t know until two weeks before -” I pause, not wanting to mention that night, wishing it never existed, “before you left.”

Her eyes darken and she blinks quickly before looking away. 

I’m next to her in one stride.  “I’m sorry I hurt you, Saige,” I whisper, pulling her into my arms.  Relief floods my veins when she leans into me a few seconds before pulling away this time. 

“If your dad doesn’t work for the government, who does he work for?”

“I don’t know.”  Deciding to just throw it out there, I don’t mince words, “You know that I’m immune to your abilities.  Well, I’m immune to all abilities people like you have as well.” 

“How do you know that?” she asks hesitantly.

“My brother has abilities, too.  My father spent the first years of my life trying to help me find what my ability or power is.”  A humorless laugh escapes, “You should’ve seen the disappointment on his face when he found out that my power is actually the anti-power.  He had me around people with just about every ability you can think of, trying to see if some other power would rub off on me.  Then, when that didn’t work, he would have them try to use their powers on me to see how much I could withstand.  I’m immune to them all.”

Saige scoots away, hurt filling her eyes as she jumps from the bed.  “You said you didn’t lie to me!  How could you not tell me that your brother has abilities like me, that the reason I can’t feel you is because you have the power to block me!?”

Raking my hands through my hair, I shake my head, “I don’t choose to block you.  I’m immune to you.”

“I don’t care what the hell you call it, you still lied to me all these years!” she shrieks, struggling to breathe as she walks around the room with her arms wrapped tightly around herself again. 

“If you knew, you would wanted to have met them so you didn’t feel like you were alone in what you can do, but I saw what my brother went through with my dad hounding him for hours every day, trying to sharpen his powers.  I used to be jealous of the attention Jackson got from my father until I saw how miserable he was.  I don’t know why, but I always felt that exposing you to my father would be dangerous.  Now, I know it would’ve been.  I didn’t tell you to protect you, Saige.”

“Just like you sent me away to protect me?” she shrieks.

“Dammit, Saige, he was starting to ask questions, and I didn’t have a choice.  I had to send you away to keep you from him, and I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life,” I glance around the room, looking for her violin, the one thing in her life that kept her sanity when I wasn’t around.  Storming to the closet, I open the door but it’s not there either.  “Where’s your violin, Saige?”

Her eyes widen, singed with pain, “Are you kidding me?  Get out, Jensen!”  She grabs a pillow and throws it at me, “Get.Out.Now!”

“I’m not leaving you here alone.”

Balling her fists, she comes at me with all her strength.  Her small hands pack a bigger punch than I would’ve thought as she pummels my chest, screaming at me to leave. 

“I’m not leaving you,” I tell her firmly, gently grabbing her wrists as I grit my teeth from the bruising blows.

“Why not?  You seem to be good at it,” she screams, trying to wrench her wrists from my grasp.

Not wanting to hurt her, I ease my grip, “Saige, listen to me, please.”  I go to place my hand against her cheek but she lashes out with her fists curled tight again.  I catch her wrists, holding them tighter this time so she can’t hit me, and she comes undone.  The flash of fear in her eyes kills me and I immediately let her go.  “What just happened, Saige?” I ask, confused.

“I can’t tell what you’re feeling.  You know that,” she rasps breathlessly.

“Since when have you needed to, to know I won’t hurt you?” Softening my tone, I take a tentative step closer, “I’ve never hurt you.  I never will.”  The pain of her not trusting me hurts like hell.

“I said get out!”

I can tell that there’s nothing I can do to calm her at the moment and without her calm, there’s no way I can get her to come with me, short of throwing her over my shoulder, and that would kill any chance I have with her, especially with her newfound mistrust.  “I’m going to give you a little time to cool off, but I’m not leaving without you.”

A book thrown at my head is her response.  My chest aches at the pain in her eyes, but I do as I said and slip out the door, giving her some space.  Sliding down the wall, I sink next to her door, praying that once she hears the full reason of why I had her leave, she’ll forgive me.

Saige

The momentum of the whirling in my head is nauseating.  Pieces of my life feel like the bouncing ball on a roulette wheel.  Some things are starting to make sense while other things that I thought I knew don’t make any sense now.  He asked about my violin…
how could he ask about that after what he did?
Pacing around the small dorm room is only infuriating me further, but there’s no way I can see Jensen right now without melting into a blubbering mess.  I didn’t mean to panic on him.  I know he would never hurt me, but he’s the one who sent me to where someone else did.  My hand slides to my ribs, rubbing across the cotton covering the scars on my side.

The knob turns, and I freeze, not sure which part of me to side with: the side that wants to forget everything that has happened over the last few years and sink into the warmth of his strong arms like I’ve done countless times, or the side of me that wants to tell him to shut-up and never hear anything else that threatens the semblance of my life I thought I had, the only part of my life that was happy. 

I see Bailey’s red hair and can’t help but smile at her expression when she shuts the door. “Why is there a blonde god sitting outside our door on his fine ass looking all dejected, Saige?” Bailey asks, throwing her thumb over her shoulder as she eyes me suspiciously. 

“It’s nothing,” I mumble.

Her perfectly trimmed brows raise, “Nothing?  No way, I’m not letting you off that easily!  You’ve been a recluse since we’ve been roommates, no friends, no family, and now, a beautiful man is outside our door looking like a scolded puppy.  You are so going to spill everything about him.”

One look into Bailey’s expectant eyes and I know she’s not going to let me off on some half-ass explanation.  “He’s a childhood friend.”  Years of memories assault me, and I wince at the ache in my heart.  “My best friend.  We had a falling out a few years ago and I haven’t seen him until he showed up tonight.  I’m not sure I’m ready to see him now.”

“Did you kiss him?” Bailey asks, totally disregarding everything I’ve said. 

She has this stupid grin on her face and I can’t help but chuckle a little as I roll my eyes at her, “What?”

“Did you kiss him?” she repeats slowly, like I’m completely clueless.  “No man I know is going to camp outside a girl’s door if there wasn’t some serious lip action or under the sheets fire setting going on at some point.”

Rubbing my throbbing temples, I groan, “Yes, I kissed him, but that was years ago, and, no, I didn’t have sex with him.”

“Why the hell not?  Have you looked at him?” Bailey gawks.  “There’s no way I would pass up a chance to have
that
.”

I roll my eyes even though my treacherous body is agreeing with her.  I’ve dreamed of lying beneath Jensen, looking up into his dark green eyes as his muscular frame hovers above me before his lips devour every inch of my waiting body.  I know how amazing those lips feel against mine and how my body responded in deliciously frightening ways as they tasted and teased my neck until I would be panting with need.  I have zero doubts that his lips would send me into an exquisite, screaming oblivion.  It’s not just the fact that I know making love with Jensen would be beyond amazing, it’s how, even though I couldn’t feel his emotions like I do with everyone else, I still felt his love.  I saw it in his eyes.  Now, I’m not so sure any of it was real, at least on his end.  I’ve never stopped loving him.

“I guess I’ll be bunking with Kim again tonight,” Bailey purses her lips, studying me before she turns to go.

“Wait,” I groan, knowing how well this is not going to go over.  Trying to think of some way to get her and Kim off campus without sounding like a raving lunatic, I come up empty.  “Why don’t you and Kim skip classes tomorrow and go to the beach?  You can have a long weekend at her parent’s beach house,” I suggest quickly.

“
You
are telling me to skip classes?  I’ve never seen you miss anything college related, even when you’ve had to drag your ass out of bed morning after morning after being awake all night from your nightmares.”

  I give her my best I-can-be-a-badass-too look.

“Damn, Saige, looks like you’ve been holding out,” Bailey laughs.  “Maybe you’re not so dull after all.  Wait til I tell Kim about the hot man stalking you.”

A smile spreads across my lips, knowing how to get them to go.  “If you think he’s hot, you should meet his brothers.  They’re all here.  I can meet up with them in the morning and we can catch up with you and Kim tomorrow at the beach house,” I lie.

The sparkle lighting up her face releases the pent up breath I was holding.  “Hotter than him?”

“Yep.”

  “Oh, hell, yeah!  We’ll meet you tomorrow at noon,” she beams, throwing open her drawer and shoving a bikini in her overnight bag.  A lot of her things are already at Kim’s with her getting tired of my ‘nightmares’ waking her up in the middle of the night.  They’re practically roommates. 

I feel bad lying, but at least Bailey and Kim won’t be here tomorrow if we can’t stop the bastard. 

Bailey flashes her perfectly whitened larger-than-life grin as she slips out the door, giggling when Jensen steps out of her way, holding the door for her.

“See you tomorrow,” Bailey sings over her shoulder to him.

I hold my breath, hoping Jensen won’t say anything.  Glancing at me, he flashes his own sexy as hell smile as he throws up his hand, “Sounds great.”  He always did catch on quick. 

Shutting the door behind him, his inquisitive green eyes imprison me from underneath a disheveled lock of dusty blonde hair, and all air evaporates as my heart pounds through my chest.  He is consuming, breathtaking.  He’s taken my breath away countless times just by his hand brushing against mine or his laugh filling the air in that deep, soothing tone.  Standing before me now in worn dark jeans, a tight black cotton tee and a long sleeve light blue shirt mercilessly hanging open and giving me a mouthwatering view of toned muscles bulging from underneath his shirt, I’m once again struggling to breathe.  My eyes have a mind of their own and slip lower to another magnificent bulge.  My cheeks flush, and I would swear the room just spiked twenty degrees.  I dart my eyes away before he catches me. 

Jensen’s jaw tightens and twitches when his gaze lands on me before he holds out his hand, his fingers extending towards mine.  The sorrow and hope in his eyes pleads for me to trust him.  He doesn’t wait a second longer before taking my wrist and pulling me against his chest.  I can feel the beat of his heart against my cheek as I inhale his scent, trying to absorb his strength.  Everything about him makes me feel alive.  Wanted.  Loved. 
God, I’ve missed him!

“Just tell me one thing and please don’t lie.  That day on the playground, did you help because you felt sorry for me knowing your brother could have been the one being bullied about his abilities?”

Jensen lets out a heavy breath.  “That was part of the reason, along with my not being willing to stand by as a group of kids tormented and kicked dirt at a girl,” he admits, and my heart breaks.  He takes my chin, gently tilting it so I’m forced to face him, “I may have busted Ace’s mouth because he’s an ass who deserved it, but the reason I took your hand - the reason I stayed - was all because of you.”  He brushes his lips against the corner of my eye, “The moment I looked into your eyes, Saige, I knew you were special and not because of what you can do.  There was an innocence mixed with fierce determination and this wild rebellion that made me want to know everything about you.”  He lets out a low chuckle, “I always did love your contradictions.”

I want to believe him.  I want to believe that what he makes me feel isn’t a lie.  The last night I saw him slams into me.  I begged for him to not let them take me.  I hated my weakness, but I bared it to him, and he walked away.  He left me.  A shudder runs through my veins and my body trembles as flashbacks of the next forty-five days engulf my senses.  Pushing them back, I also push him away.  I trusted him once and he betrayed me. 

“Saige, please -” Jensen immediately reaches for me when I slip out of his arms.

“We don’t have time for this right now,” I cut him off.  “We have a bomber to catch.”

Leaning his head back, he roughly drags his hands down his face.  For the first time, I see the exhaustion clouding his eyes.  I don’t know how long he’s been after this man, or how he even knows about him, but those are questions that can be answered after the bastard is in custody.  “You’re right.  We’ll talk after.”

I stare out the tiny window, watching the students play volleyball, talking and laughing on their way to class, and I pray we do catch him in time.  If not, I’ll have to call in a bomb threat, then disappear.  I’m used to starting over.  Hell, I’m a pro at it, but I would like to break my record and wake up in the same place for more than ten months and four days.  This is the longest, by far, I’ve ever stayed in one place since I was sixteen.  I hear Jensen on the phone, telling Andy he’ll see him in fifteen minutes. 

“The bomber’s in his car,” Jensen informs me, closing his phone.

“Where?”

“I don’t know.  Close.”  He grabs my bag and starts shoving my clothes inside.  Giving one last look to my side of the tiny room, he shakes his head.  He looks…sad.  “You’re going to my hotel. Please don’t argue.  It won’t do you any good if you do anyway.”

“I won’t argue about leaving this dorm room tonight, but I am going to help you find him.  What is this asshole’s name anyway?”

Jensen throws the duffle over his shoulder, “He’s gone by nine names that we know of so far.  We haven’t tracked down his real identity yet.”

“Why are you tracking him?  I don’t understand how you’re involved.”

“He used to be one of my father’s prodigies until he went rogue, disappearing with another assumed identity.”  Jensen glances at me.  I guess he can tell that I’m confused as hell right now, scared, angry, sad, and too many other emotions to recognize, because he takes my hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.  I don’t immediately pull away.  I need to feel his strength and comfort right now.  I want to feel it.

“I think you have a lot to tell me,” I state, wondering who this person standing next to me is.  There was a time when I thought I knew everything about him; apparently, I don’t know shit. 

Jensen nods, holding my hand until we get to the door at the bottom of the stairs, and I think he only lets go then to hold the door open for me.  It’s still blasting rays of beautiful sunshine outside, making it hard to believe that anything remotely evil can happen with the false sense of security appearances bring.  Andy’s flirting with some of the girls in the quad.  With the light showing off his features, it’s easy to see why the attention is reciprocal.  His hair is shorter than Jensen’s, but still long enough to show thick, dark waves.  His deep blue eyes seem playful, completely opposite of what I had a front row seat to in the van. 

Nodding at Jensen, Andy quickly scribbles something on Laney’s palm.  She leans close to Andy, her breasts brushing against his arm, and giggles before whispering in his ear.  Andy places his hand on her hip as he whispers something back.  Another giggle escapes, and I roll my eyes.  I wish they would just get their pre-mating ritual over with so I don’t have to suffer witnessing it any longer.  After a not so discreet full-handed ass squeeze, Andy finally winks at Laney before sauntering towards us.

“Did you see him again?” Jensen asks.

Andy shakes his head, “He’s been gone too long for me to pick up on where he’s at now.” 

“Pick up on where he’s at now?” I ask, not sure I really want to know what he means.

“I’ll explain it all later,” Jensen rushes, scanning the quad as he pulls me closer to him.  “Do you feel him at all, Saige?”

“No.”  There’s no way he’s here.  I’ll never forget that feeling of the dark abyss he shrouds me with when he’s around.

Jensen gives a curt nod before he places his hand on my lower back, leading me towards the campus parking lot.  I allow him to lead me.  For now.

Andy opens the van door.

I hesitate, not overly enthusiastic to be back in that vehicle. 

“No worries, princess; I won’t tie you up this time, but only if you promise to behave.”

“If you touch me, I’ll bust a helluva lot more than just your nose,” I growl, lowering my lethal gaze to his nether region.  “If you want to keep those shrunken balls just like you have them now, you’ll stay away from me.”

The corner of Jensen’s mouth tilts, “You might want to listen to her, man.  I’ve seen her kicking some serious ass a few times.”

“Taking the chick’s side now instead of your wingman’s?  I see how it is,” Andy barks, his voice gruff, but I feel his warmth seep into my body. 

Narrowing my eyes, I study Andy as he busies himself spreading blueprints out against the wall.  I feel his relief, his happiness. 
Am I losing my touch?
  Not anywhere near able to try to psychoanalysis the asswipe who tied me to the chair less than twelve inches from me, I turn my attention to Jensen.  “Can you please tell me what the hell is going on now?”

Jensen takes my elbow and gently tugs my arm towards the passenger’s seat.  His eyes turn hard as he cranks the ignition.  “I always knew that my father wanted Jackson to strengthen his abilities and would push him endlessly.  What I didn’t know is that my father had fourteen others who he was teaching to maximize their powers as well.  A couple of weeks before -” Jensen pauses, clenching his jaw, “- you left, I found out my father didn’t work for the government, at least not the department he always said he worked for.  I was supposed to meet Jackson in my father’s office, to take him to his Saturday tutor, but I got there early.  Dad’s computer was just sitting there in front of me.  I was tired of all the secrecy, of all the one sided bullshit of why Jackson went to a different school, of why he never talked about why my mom has been in a comatose state since I was two, of why he was never around.  Hell, Jackson is nineteen months older than me, but I’ve always been the one to take care of him, the house, and everything else Dad should’ve been taking care of.  Jackson and I used to be close when we were really young but that changed as soon as Dad saw what he can do.  I was left to raise myself.  Jackson became so distant from me, the only time we talked was with the few words spoken on Saturday mornings.  I deserved to know the truth.”