Feels Like Home (32 page)

Was he right? Was there some way that this could work? Should she go against her instinct and give it a go?

In the absence of her reply, Ryan continued. ‘I know you said you don't want kids, but I see the way you are with Ella. I know we could make it work somehow. I can't bear the thought of you leaving, Jo, and I think you feel the same way.'

Jo's stomach somersaulted. Why was she fighting this? The only man she'd ever really loved was in front of her, telling her they'd find a way to make it work. Surely it wasn't that simple. Or was it?

‘I don't know…I don't know what to say. It's complicated.'

‘I don't need an answer from you right now. I know this has come out of the blue and that I've probably overwhelmed you by dumping everything on you at once. But I couldn't let you leave again without telling you how I feel. I want to fight for us this time, Jo, and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.'

He leaned in and softly kissed her. She closed her eyes and luxuriated in the kiss. As his mouth gently moved over hers, Jo was tempted to ignore all the reasons why this wasn't a good idea and just say ‘yes'. Why the hell not? He loved her, he wanted her and she loved him too. Wasn't that all that mattered?

As she pulled back gently and opened her eyes she caught sight of Ella's doll, naked and discarded under the coffee table. Her fantasy came crashing down around her. Being with Ryan was just that — a fantasy. Him saying the words ‘I love you' didn't change their situation. Her elation evaporated and was replaced with regret. What did it matter if they loved each other? It didn't change the fact that there was a child involved and she couldn't go there.

‘Ryan, I think you know I love you. But I'm not ready to be a mother.'

‘I'm just asking you to consider the idea. I think we can make a go of it. We can take it slow if you like. What if you stayed on for a bit after the wedding, moved back to Yarrapinga for a while? We could see each other, you could spend time with Ella, see how the two of you get along. I mean, we probably couldn't move in together immediately anyway, not until after the adoption's finalised. But there's no reason we couldn't spend time together. If things go well then we can take the next step when all three of us are ready.'

A whirlpool of emotions swirled in Jo's head. Wasn't this exactly what she'd wanted, what she'd fantasised about? What the hell was stopping her? She was being handed a second chance at happiness here. She should be grabbing hold of it with both hands. ‘What then? What if it all goes well and we decide to move in together? I'm scared, Ryan. What if I turn out to be like my mother? Ella deserves better than that.'

Ryan pulled her in and held her against him. ‘I have no fear of that happening. Ella is the most precious thing in the world to me. Do you really think I would be asking you into our lives if I thought there was even a remote chance of you not being up to it?'

‘How can you be so sure?'

He released her and pulled back a little so she could see his face. ‘The fact that you're even thinking about how a potential relationship could affect Ella shows me you're made of the right stuff. Honestly, Jo, no parent has all the answers, no parent is perfect. Do you think I get it right all the time? Because I don't. Every parent is just making it up as they go along, doing the best they can. Part of the reason I told you about my situation with Ella was to show you that biology has absolutely nothing to do with being a parent. Showing up is what counts. You just have to be there each day and do the best you can.'

Every part of her wanted to give in and say the words he wanted to hear, but she needed some time to think it over. This was a huge decision, one she wouldn't be rushing into. ‘I want to believe you, but I just don't know what to say to you, Ryan. It's a lot to contemplate.'

He nodded. ‘I know. Like I said, you don't need to give me an answer right now. I just wanted to be honest with you, Jo. Last time you left we held things back from each other. I didn't want to make the same mistake twice.'

He'd laid his soul bare before her and told her things that he'd been keeping secret for years. That couldn't have been easy. Now there was something she needed to tell him, and after all he'd just said it wasn't going to be easy. With Ella's adoption not finalised the matter of the photo being in the public domain would probably weigh heavily on him. Hopefully he'd understand that it wasn't her fault. She kissed him gently and placed her hand on his cheek. ‘I do love you, you know. No matter what I decide I want you to know that.'

He nodded. ‘I know.'

‘I have something I need to tell you too.' She paused for a beat to steel herself against the disappointment she was about to see in his eyes.

‘Oh yeah? What's that?'

The shrill sound of the phone ringing saved her from having to reply.

Ryan glanced at his watch. ‘Jesus, it's nine o'clock. Who rings the landline at this hour?' He jumped up and ran to the kitchen to answer it.

Moments later he was back, his face pale and his expression tense. ‘That was the hospital. It's Mum. Seems she's running a high temperature. She's picked up an infection. They've put her on strong antibiotics but…'

‘What?'

‘It doesn't look good. There's a real chance she won't make it through the night.'

‘Oh Ryan.'

‘I need to go to her. I hate to ask this Jo, especially after what I put you through last time, but could you possibly —'

‘Stay with Ella? Of course I will. You don't need to ask. Just go.'

He pulled her close and hugged her tight. ‘Thank you. I'll keep my mobile on, so you can call me if you're worried about anything at all. I'll be back as soon as possible.'

‘Don't worry. I promise I'll take good care of her.'

CHAPTER

33

The tiny grey-faced woman lying in Intensive Care bore little resemblance to Ryan's mother. For as long as he could remember his mum had been a formidable presence in his life. No matter what happened to her, no matter what life threw at her, she bore it all with a smile on her face. Now she looked small and helpless and Ryan felt like a child again.

Surely this wasn't the end? Not when things had been going so well for her. For the first time in her life she'd been able to relax a little. All her sons were settled — they'd completed their studies and had careers they loved. Dan and Bec were happily married and were planning to start a family of their own. Having them on the farm had brought Beth great pleasure. Two of her boys and her granddaughter on the same property was a dream come true for her. And Patrick might be in London, but he and Georgie were always coming home for visits, and they were planning to move back to Melbourne at the end of the year.

And now, there was the possibility that Jo might join their family — if things went the way he hoped they would.

Beth had loved Jo once. She admired her strength and independence. She had never said much about the Morgans, but he knew his mother was less than impressed with Katherine's distant parenting method. It had made her fiercely protective of Jo. Beth had treated her as a member of the family, the daughter she'd never had. So when Jo left him broken hearted, Beth's grief was twofold. She mourned for his loss and for her own.

This time around his mother hadn't allowed herself to get close to Jo. He understood. Hell, he'd gone down that same path to begin with. But every minute he spent with Jo just reinforced the fact that there was no protecting his heart from love. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't not love her. It was a fact, pure and simple. If she didn't love him back, didn't love him enough to give them a chance at working things out, he'd be heartbroken all over again. But if he let her go without telling her how he felt, without doing his best to convince her that they were destined to be together, he'd regret it for the rest of life. In general he wasn't a gambling man, but this was one of those times when there was no other choice but to roll the dice and see where they landed.

If he got lucky and Jo stayed, Mum would be happy for him and he just knew she'd let Jo back into her heart.

A touch on the shoulder made him jump.

‘Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.' It was one of the nursing staff. Sarah? Sally? Something like that.

‘It's okay. I was in another world. How's she doing?'

‘She's stable for now. Her temperature's dropped a fraction and has stayed the same for the past two hours, which is a good sign. Ideally we'll start to see some improvement soon. The next couple of hours are critical.'

Ryan's chest tightened. ‘So she's not out of the woods yet?'

‘Not yet, I'm afraid. But don't give up hope. She seems like a fighter.'

‘Yeah, she's a tough old bird, aren't you Mum?' Ryan's phone vibrated in his pocket. He grabbed it and checked the screen. It was a text from Patrick. Ryan held up the phone to the nurse. ‘It's my brother, Patrick. He lives in London. When I called him earlier I didn't know anything much. He's asking if he should book a flight home?'

She shrugged. ‘I can't tell you or your family what to do, but I can say that the next few hours are the critical ones. If she continues to improve, then things are looking up. If not, then the likelihood of a good outcome starts to diminish.'

‘If you were me, what would you tell him?'

‘Look, he's not going to make it here in the next few hours so I think the sensible thing would be to tell him to hold tight. We'll know more by the morning.'

‘Right, I'll text him to let know to wait a few hours and I'll call him as soon as I have any news.' Ryan started texting as he spoke.

‘Just the two of you, then? No other siblings?'

‘There's actually three of us. My other brother lives with us at the farm but he's away in Queensland at the moment. I called him already. He'll be on the first flight home tomorrow. But then he'll have to drive from Melbourne so we won't be seeing him until tomorrow night, I wouldn't think.'

The nurse smiled. ‘Good thing you're here then. You look exhausted, though.'

‘Yeah, it's been a rough week. My little girl has been in hospital too, so I haven't a decent night's sleep for a few days. But no worries. I'll survive.'

‘Your mum's sedated, so she'll be out of it for a while. Don't be afraid to get a little shut-eye. I promise I'll wake you if there's any change.'

‘Thanks. I might see if I can grab forty winks.' As the nurse quietly slipped out of the room Ryan took her advice and balled his jacket up to use as a pillow. Slowly his jumbled thoughts began to ease as his body succumbed to exhaustion and sleep overtook him.

Jo whiled away the hours mindlessly flipping through the TV channels and texting Steph. She didn't disclose any of her conversation with Ryan to her friend, focusing instead on Beth's situation. She wasn't ready to hear Steph's opinion on her current dilemma. Not yet. She needed some time to think this through on her own before involving anyone else. Thank goodness Steph was no princess. She'd responded to the news that Jo might not make tomorrow's bridesmaid's lunch without a hint of disappointment. Her only concern was for Ryan and his mum. If she was worried about any potential disruption to her wedding plans, her texts certainly didn't reveal it.

Jo stared at the infomercial for some stupid exercise machine. It must be getting late if this was the best thing on TV. She glanced at her phone. It was after midnight and there'd been no word from Ryan so far. Looked like she was here for the night. She stifled a yawn, flicked the TV off and wondered where Ryan kept the spare linen. Sleeping in his bed wasn't a good look, not with Ella here, so she figured she might as well make herself up a bed right here on the couch. She slipped her boots off and padded down the hallway as quietly as possible, in search of a linen closet. Obviously she wasn't as stealthy as she thought because halfway up the passage Ella's voice pierced the silence. ‘Dad! Dad! Come here. Dad!'

Jo raced to Ella's room. A tiny nightlight illuminated the room and Jo saw the little girl sitting upright in bed, tears streaming down her face. ‘Honey, what's wrong? Are you sick?'

‘I want my dad.'

‘I know sweetheart, but Dad's not here right now. He had to go out for a little while.'

‘To see a sick horse?'

Jo faltered. She hated to lie, but she really didn't know anything about Beth's condition and it wasn't really her place to tell Ella anyway. Her instincts told her to keep quiet, at least until she'd had a chance to talk to Ryan. ‘Something like that, yeah.'

‘Gran usually looks after me when Dad has to go out.'

‘I know sweetie, but Gran's in the hospital.'

‘Yeah, I know.'

‘Are you okay? Do you need a drink or something?'

Ella shook her head. ‘I had a bad dream. I dreamed Tinkerbelle ran away.'

‘Oh, that's awful, but you know Tinker is safe and sound in her stable right?'

Ella sniffed. ‘I guess, but it gave me a fright. She's my friend. I don't want to lose her.'

‘Tinker would never run away, honey. She loves you. Now, how about you snuggle back down under the covers and get some sleep?'

‘When I have a bad dream Dad always hops into bed with me and stays until I go back to sleep.'

‘I can stay here with you until you fall asleep if you like.' Jo looked at Ella's expectant face. It seemed the kid wanted more. ‘Or, if you really want me to I can hop in with you for a little bit.'

Ella threw back the covers. ‘Yes please, Jo. Come on, get in.'

Jo carefully slid in beside Ella's warm little body and was surprised when Ella threw an arm over her belly.

‘You smell good, Jo. Sort of, I don't know…like a mum.'