Feels Like Home (30 page)

They'd missed their window, that one perfect moment in time when it could have worked between them. Now their relationship didn't just affect them. There was a child to consider. Ella had already suffered more than her fair share of angst in her short life. She'd lost her mother. She'd been uprooted from her home more than once and now she'd been diagnosed with a serious medical condition. She didn't need to add an incompetent stepmother into the mix.

The crazy thing was, if ever there was a kid that could make her change her mind about becoming a parent it was that sweet little girl. When she'd first looked at Ella all Jo could see was Carly. She was ashamed to admit — even to herself — that she'd judged an innocent six-year-old by the sins of her mother.

She, of all people, should have known better. The whole time she'd lived in Linden Gully that had been her fate too. She'd never fitted in here because people had been quick to judge. They'd assumed she was a carbon copy of her cold and distant mother.

Now that Jo had spent time with Ella she could see her for herself. And she liked what she saw.

But like and love were two different things.

Just because she liked the child didn't mean she could give her unconditional love, the type of love required to be a good parent. Jo knew what it was like to grow up with a mother who didn't know how to love. There was no way she would risk having Ella grow up in a house like that.

And that was that. She and Ryan could never be.

But after all they'd been through these past few weeks she couldn't bear the thought of him hating her again. She crossed her fingers and hoped he wouldn't take the whole photo fiasco too badly and their plan of bringing a happy conclusion to their relationship would not be jeopardised.

Settling at last on the pink jumper with a pair of dark denim jeans, Jo dressed herself in record time — being late for dinner wouldn't be a good start. She pulled on her tan leather boots, smeared her lips with strawberry lip gloss and grabbed her keys.

Fingers crossed.

Ryan prodded the meat with a fork, releasing a trickle of pink juice into the roasting pan. The meat was done to perfection. If he removed it now there would be just enough time for it to rest before the veggies were done.

Hopefully Jo would be on time. Ella was bursting to see her. If she arrived right on six as planned there'd be time for the girls to socialise while he made the gravy, which should keep Ella happy.

His two favourite girls together.

He smiled at the thought. Hopefully after tonight there would be a lot more times like these to come.

They'd all have dinner together and then, once Ella was in bed, he could sit down with Jo and tell her everything.

His resolve to fight for a relationship with her had not dampened overnight. In fact, if anything it had grown stronger. She was amazing with Ella, and Ryan knew that Jo's warm heart was big enough to embrace his little girl.

There were obstacles, he couldn't deny that. But this time he was determined to work to overcome them. He wouldn't lose Joey again. He couldn't.

A loud knock at the door prompted an excited squeal from Ella. ‘I'll get the door, Dad.'

Before he'd had time to answer, he heard the click of the doorknob and Jo's voice drifting down the hallway.

‘Hey, Ella. How are you? You look great. What a pretty dress.'

‘It's my party dress. I wore it just for you.'

‘Really? I'm honoured. Here, I brought you a little welcome-home present.'

Ryan made his way out into the hall in time to see Ella discarding pink wrapping paper onto the floor.

‘Oh!' she gasped. ‘Dad, look! It's a jewellery box.'

A lump formed in Ryan's throat. He knew exactly what it was. He'd given Jo the music box as a gift to take back to boarding school at the end of their first summer together.

Ella flipped open the lid and gasped again as the little plastic ballerina popped up.

‘Wind the key,' Jo said.

Ella did as instructed and Ryan watched in delight as her eyes widened when the ballerina began to twirl to the tinny strains of ‘Unchained Melody'.

Ryan sought Jo's gaze and when their eyes met he smiled. ‘I can't believe it still works.'

Ella looked up at him, her brow creased in confusion. ‘What do you mean?'

Jo crouched down so that she was at eye level with Ella. ‘This is a very special music box. I've had it since I was sixteen. Your dad gave it to me.'

Ella's eyes widened. ‘Did you, Dad? Was it a birthday present?'

Ryan cleared his throat. ‘No. When we were kids Jo didn't go to the same school as me. She went to boarding school. Do you know what that is?'

Ella nodded. She wrinkled her nose and looked at Jo. ‘That must've been horrible.'

‘I have to admit it wasn't great,' Jo said.

‘That's why I gave her the music box. So she would always remember that she had friends here in Linden Gully who were thinking about her.'

‘And that's why I want you to have it now, Ella. When I go back to New York you can open up the box and listen to the music and remember the fun we've had together.'

‘That's really cool. I love it. Thanks Jo. I'm going to go and put it on my desk right now and put all my special treasures in it.'

As Ella trundled off down the hallway Ryan motioned for Jo to follow him into the kitchen.

‘Wow, something smells good. Do I detect the aroma of lamb roast?'

Ryan nodded as he uncorked the red. He hadn't planned on drinking this early in the evening but after seeing the music box he needed something to put him back on an even keel. ‘Yep. I have it on good authority that Australian lamb is the way to a young lady's heart.' Sheesh. Did he really just say that? If he wasn't careful he'd send her skittering back out the door.

But Jo laughed and nodded as he held up a wine glass in query. ‘On whose authority?'

‘Mrs Clemmens.'

‘Well, the butcher's wife would say that, wouldn't she?'

He grinned. ‘I guess so.' He gulped a mouthful of wine and lowered his voice. ‘Thanks for giving Ella the music box. I can't believe you kept it all these years.'

‘It's lucky it survived Katherine's many purges. I have so few things left from my childhood. But Dad knew how special this was to me. I found it packed away with a few other precious bits and pieces in the loft of his shed.'

‘No one could accuse your mother of being sentimental.'

‘That's for sure.'

‘In any case, I'll make sure Ella looks after it.'

‘I know she will Ryan. That's part of the reason I gave it to her. She's such a sweetheart.'

There. He knew it. He knew that given enough time Jo would come to love Ella as much as he did. It seemed his little girl had already started to chip away at Jo's heart.

CHAPTER

31

Ella held out her plate and smiled her best ‘daddy's girl' smile. ‘Can I have another piece of apple pie?' She paused momentarily before remembering her manners. ‘Please?'

Ryan shook his head and laughed. ‘I don't think so, missy. You've had a big dinner and an enormous serve of pie already. Aren't you full?'

Ella shrugged. ‘Not too full, and Gran's apple pie is my favourite dessert.'

‘How about we put it in the fridge and you can have it for dessert tomorrow?'

She pouted her protest but didn't argue. ‘Okay.'

‘Come on, I'm going to run the shower for you. Time for you to get ready for bed.'

‘Dad, no! I want to stay and talk to Jo.'

‘Honey, you've been sick. You need your sleep.'

‘It's not fair, I —'

‘Hey, Ella,' Jo interrupted, ‘how about this? What if you go get ready for bed and then I'll come in and read you a bedtime story when you're all tucked up. Does that sound like a plan?'

The smile returned to Ella's face and she nodded enthusiastically.

Ryan shot Jo a grateful look. ‘Well come on, miss. Let's get a move on. We don't want to keep Jo waiting.'

Once Ella was in bed Ryan gave her a kiss and left Jo to it. Ella had a large pile of books at the ready, which he figured would give him ample time to take care of the dishes and to go over what he wanted to say to Jo. Again.

He couldn't keep the truth about Ella to himself any longer. Telling Jo was a risk, but there was no avoiding it. He wanted her to share his life, and Ella's life, and that meant no secrets.

He and Jo had screwed up big time seven years ago. They'd kept things from each other. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice. This time everything would be laid bare — for better or worse.

He covered the leftover pie and placed it in the fridge, loaded the dishwasher and popped the kettle on while he listened to the sound of muffled giggling from the bedroom. He was tossing up whether to rescue Jo when he realised the only sound he could hear was the tinkling of the music box. Jo's footsteps in the hallway followed soon after.

‘I thought I'd have to come and save you. Ella can be mighty persuasive when she wants something,' he said as Jo appeared in the doorway.

‘I know how to deal with fans,' she said with a wink.

‘Ha. Sorry I doubted you. Is she asleep?'

‘Not yet, but she's not far off.'

‘Good, because there's something I need to talk to you about. Do you want another glass of red?'

Jo shook her head. ‘Not for me, I'm driving, but you go ahead.'

Ryan resisted the temptation to quell his apprehension with alcohol. A clear head was needed for this conversation. ‘Nah, I've had enough. I probably should stay under the limit in case Ella needs to go back to the hospital.'

An expression of concern settled on Jo's face. ‘Is that likely?'

‘I don't think so, but I don't want to take any chances. Once she's seen the specialist in Melbourne we'll have a better idea of what we're dealing with. That's partly what I want to talk to you about.' The kettle clicked off, momentarily diverting their attention. ‘I'll make us a cuppa, eh? The fire's going in the living room. Why don't we head in there and get comfy on the couch? What I've got to say might take a little while.'

She nodded her agreement in silence.

Once they were settled on the couch Ryan took a deep breath and started. ‘So you know about Carly's death, right?'

‘I heard she was killed in a car accident.'

‘Yes, she was, but she wasn't the only person in the car. She had Ella there with her.'

‘Jenny did mention that.'

‘I figured you would have heard. Linden Gully's grapevine still works as well as ever.'

She smiled but said nothing, encouraging him to go on.

‘So maybe you didn't hear some of the other details and I want to fill you in on those now.'

‘Ryan, it's okay. You don't have to tell me —'

‘Actually I do. In any case I want to.'

She sank back into the couch and took a sip of her tea, indicating she was ready to listen.

‘Ella was injured. Very badly injured. She wasn't in a car seat and as a result she got thrown around in the accident. She suffered internal injuries and a fractured skull.'

Jo's hand flew to her mouth.

‘The injuries were so severe we weren't sure she'd pull through, but she's a gutsy little kid. She was in ICU at the Royal Children's for over a week, but she made big improvements every day. Unfortunately though, one of the side effects was that she started to have seizures.'

‘You mean she's been epileptic ever since the accident? Oh my god, Ryan, why didn't you tell me? How could you let me look after her without telling me something like that?'

‘Hang on, hang on. It's not as simple as that. When she was in the hospital after the accident she was put onto an anticonvulsant medication. The seizures stopped. The medication was continued for 12 months and then she was slowly weaned off. She's never had another seizure until this week. I always knew there was a possibility the seizures would return, but as the years went by I guess I became a bit complacent. I promise you, I would never have put you, or Ella, in that position if I'd known what was going to happen.'

‘It must be very worrying. Especially when you thought she'd made a full recovery.'

He exhaled, and allowed his body to relax a little. ‘Yeah, it is a bit. I'll feel better when I've spoken to the specialist and have a clearer picture of what we're facing. Thank god it's treatable, though.'

Jo slid over so that her leg was touching his. Under normal circumstances that would be enough to get his blood pumping, but not tonight. Tonight there was something bigger at stake. He stood up. ‘There's more, Jo, but I just need to double check that Ella is sleeping. I can't risk her overhearing what I have to say.'

Jo stood too. ‘Do you want another cuppa? I'll make it.'

‘Yeah, thanks. That'd be good.'

He padded down the hallway in his socks, hoping not only to find his daughter sleeping but also to brace himself for the discussion to come. He was risking everything by telling Jo, but there was no other way forward.

After satisfying himself that the steady rise and fall of Ella's chest was proof of her slumber, he made his way back to the living room. Jo handed him a steaming cup of coffee. He took it but didn't resume his place on the couch. Instead he went and stood by the fireplace. Better if there was some space between them.

She looked up at him expectantly. ‘You said there was more?'

‘I need to explain to you why I reacted the way I did at the hospital.'

‘You've already apologised for that. I understand, truly I do. You were worried. I'm sure any parent would do the same.'

Ryan shrugged. ‘I don't know about that. In any case I lashed out at you and I shouldn't have. I was really angry at myself, if the truth be known.'