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‘Yourself? Why? Ella's fall wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done.'

‘I don't know. I guess seeing her in the hospital like that brought it all back to me — the car accident, I mean. It was my fault she was in that car. I should never, ever have let Carly have her unsupervised. That girl just wasn't fit to be a mother. It wasn't her fault, she never knew any better, but I did. She convinced her case worker that she'd changed, that she was well, but I should have known better than to leave Ella alone with her.'

‘Case worker?'

‘I'm not sure how much you know about our relationship.'

‘Not much. Just that Carly left when Ella was little.'

He nodded. ‘Twelve months old. Ella wasn't even walking. Carly just couldn't cope with the relentless nature of being a mother. Looking back I think she had postnatal depression, but we were both so young and I didn't know about stuff like that then. She started drinking, quite a lot. I was trying to work and to study part time but it got so bad I was afraid to leave her alone with Ella. I told her she needed to get help or I would report her to the authorities. And so she left.'

‘Oh god, that must have been terrible.'

The bitter taste of guilt rose in his throat. ‘You know what? At the time, I really didn't care. It was a relief not to have to worry about her. I didn't chase her, didn't check up on her. I just set about caring for Ella and making her life as stable and carefree as it could be. I figured Carly was big enough to look after herself. If I could change that now…'

Jo shook her head. ‘I'm sure you did the best you could.'

‘Did I? I don't know. Sometimes I think that it was my fault that she drank. Maybe it wasn't that she couldn't cope with the baby, maybe it was because I didn't love her. Worse than that I resented her because…'

‘She got pregnant?'

‘No, I never blamed her for that. I resented her for something she had no control over — she wasn't you.'

‘Oh Ryan.' Jo rose from her seat and moved towards him but he gestured for her to stop. The last thing he wanted right now was her comfort. There was still a long way to go and he was afraid if he wavered this time he might never garner the courage again.

‘Jo, no. Please, I need you to hear me out.'

Jo settled back into her seat. ‘Go on.'

‘Whatever the reason, she left. And I didn't really care that much. Ella and I were fine on our own. Bec and Dan helped me out and Mum did what she could. I managed to keep my studies up and work a bit as well as taking care of Ella. Then when she was almost three, Carly turned up out the blue. Said she was better and she seemed to be. She wanted to come back to live with us, but I wasn't ready for that. To be honest I wished she'd stayed away. I was angry, Jo. I didn't want her to swan back in and mess up our lives.'

‘I can understand that.'

‘Well Carly couldn't. She was pissed off. She started making noises about getting a lawyer and seeking custody of Ella. I panicked. I didn't want it going to court. I was afraid of losing custody.'

‘But surely that wouldn't happen?'

He shrugged. ‘Who knows? I wasn't prepared to take the risk. So I made a deal with her. Access to Ella, twice a week, supervised by me or one of my family. At first she was happy with that but after a while she wanted more.'

‘She wanted to see Ella on her own?'

‘Yes.'

‘And you let her?'

‘Not at first. But she did seem better, more stable, and Ella loved spending time with her. The day of the accident I had an opportunity to observe a rare surgery at the veterinary hospital in Werribee, but Bec wasn't around and I needed someone to care for Ella. I rang Carly and asked her if she could watch Ella for a few hours. I had no idea she would take Ella in the car. I left her the car seat, just in case, but I stressed to her it was only for emergencies. When I thought about it later I realised she probably had no idea how to fit it. I should have put it in her car before I left. I really didn't think…'

‘What happened in the car? Was the accident her fault?'

Ryan inhaled deeply. Fault. It was such a subjective word. And it wasn't like he hadn't played the blame game over and over in his head. He'd railed at Carly, been furious with her and cursed the day she'd walked back into their lives. But in the end he'd accepted that the responsibility for Ella lay squarely at his feet.

‘The autopsy found she had a blood alcohol reading of .07. She shouldn't have been driving. It happened at eleven o'clock in the morning. It never occurred to me that she was still drinking. She seemed so much better.' He paused to look at Jo.

Her face and her body language radiated empathy. ‘You mustn't blame yourself. You wouldn't have let Ella stay with Carly if you thought she was in any danger.'

He shook his head in protest, but didn't argue the point. It was more important to get this next part out. ‘Jo, what I'm about to tell you is strictly confidential and I hope you'll respect that.'

‘You don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable sharing.'

‘I want to tell you.'

She nodded. ‘Okay. You have my word I will keep whatever it is to myself.'

This was it. If he told her there would be no going back. He took a deep breath and launched into it. ‘After the accident, Ella had massive injuries. The doctors tested her blood type in case she needed a blood transfusion. She's not the same blood type as me.'

Jo was silent, obviously not seeing where this was going.

‘Ella's blood type is B. Carly's was A. I'm an O.'

Comprehension dawned on Jo's face, but she waited for him to say the words.

‘Long story short. Ella's not my daughter.'

CHAPTER

32

Ryan's words hit Jo like a punch in the gut. How could Ella not be his? It simply made no sense. ‘What the hell are you talking about, Ryan?'

‘Biologically, Ella's not mine. Her blood type makes it impossible.'

‘I get that bit, but if she's not yours why is she with you?'

‘She might not be biologically mine, but I raised her. She's still my daughter.'

‘But why did you stay with Carly in the first place? Was it to spite me, Ryan? To hurt me? To make me give up on you? Because if that's what it was, it worked. I couldn't compete against a woman who was pregnant, could I?'

‘My decision had nothing to do with you, Jo. When Carly told me she was pregnant I was devastated. I knew I would be tied to her in some way for the rest of my life. It was like a jail sentence. But I had to accept the consequences of my actions. I had no idea Ella wasn't mine until after the accident.'

‘You're saying Carly tricked you into believing she was pregnant with your child?' Confusion and anger caused her voice to rise.

‘I honestly don't know. Maybe she thought I was the father or maybe she knew I wasn't. I don't know and none of us will ever know now.' Ryan turned his back and toyed with the fire, prodding a log with an iron poker and sending a shower of orange sparks up the chimney.

When he turned back to face her she could see the defiance in his eyes. ‘Even if she did know, even if she did deceive me, I was the person she chose to be the father of her child. I will always honour that.'

Jo didn't know how to react. She'd given up all hope of a relationship with Ryan when she heard about Carly's pregnancy. Finding out the whole thing was quite possibly a lie was almost too much to bear. They'd thrown their relationship away and been apart all these years because of something that wasn't even true. Her head was spinning. It was too much to process. ‘So who is her real father? Where's he in all of this?'

Ryan shook his head. ‘I don't know. That secret died with Carly. There have been attempts to trace him but they were unsuccessful.'

‘Attempts by who? Who else knows this?'

‘No one.'

‘No one? You mean you haven't told the authorities…who the hell do you notify about this sort of thing anyway? God, Ryan, you can't keep something like this a secret. Can you?' She had no idea. Was it illegal to keep a child when you knew she wasn't biologically yours? Was that why Ryan hadn't told anyone?

‘No. Of course not.' There was a hint of irritation in his voice. ‘I've consulted a lawyer, several actually. As soon as I made the discovery I sought legal advice. The attempts to find Ella's biological father were part of the legal investigation. I just meant I haven't told anyone else yet.'

‘Not even your mum?'

‘No.'

‘But why?'

‘Because it's none of anyone else's business. I didn't want anyone else telling me what I should or shouldn't do. I'm Ella's dad. I've always been her father, no matter what any blood test says. I'm taking steps now to make her legally mine. The adoption will make sure that no one can ever dispute my claim to her or take her away from me. I'm not interested in what other people, even people in my family, might have to say about that.'

Jo's indignation at the injustice of it all dissipated. Of course Ella was Ryan's daughter no matter what the blood tests said. And Ryan was not the type of man to walk away from his responsibilities. His loyalty was one of the things she loved most about him. ‘Adoption?'

‘Yes. I'm in the process of formally adopting Ella. My name is on her birth certificate, so technically I don't need to adopt…it's a bit of a legal grey area to be honest. But if there was ever a dispute and it could be proved I knew about her blood type, then that might not go well for me. After discussing the options with my lawyer I decided it was the best course of action. If I chose non-disclosure I'd be living under a cloud. I'd always be worried about being found out and Ella being carted off by the authorities.'

‘Could that happen?'

‘Highly unlikely. Still, I wanted to make sure that no one could ever take her away from me. When she's older I'll tell her the truth. I want her to know that I chose to be her dad. I wasn't tricked into it. I want her to know she was wanted.'

Jo's heart swelled and her eyes moistened with emotion. ‘So the adoption isn't complete?'

‘Almost, but not quite. There's been a lot of red tape. It's a complicated situation and it's taken some time. Carly's parents had to be consulted and I was very worried they might not give their approval, but they did and now we're almost there. It should all be completed by the end of September.'

‘So it's a done deal?'

‘Pretty much. But I'm still edgy about the whole thing, worried that something will go wrong at the last minute. That's part of the reason I reacted so badly at the hospital. It was fear, not just of losing her in some accident, but fear of having her snatched away from me due to perceived negligence.'

‘Oh Ryan. I had no idea. I'm so sorry.'

He came and sat beside her on the couch again. ‘It's not your fault, that's what I'm trying to say. None of what happened was your fault. My fear of her being taken away is probably an irrational one, but until the final papers are signed I'm going to be on edge about things like that. My reaction at the hospital was out of line, but after what I've told you I hope you have a better understanding of why.'

Jo put her hand on his thigh. ‘Ryan,' she said gently, ‘you are a fantastic father. Anyone can see that. Ella is a great little kid, and that's coming from someone who isn't particularly fond of little kids. I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about.'

He nodded. ‘You're right, I'm sure.'

‘I'm glad you told me but I'm not sure why you did.'

Ryan grasped her hand and looked deep into her eyes. ‘I don't want there to be secrets between us, Jo. I don't know what will happen with us in the future, but I do know that the only way forward is for us to tell each other the truth. Always.'

Future? What future? Their future was hopefully a few more delicious hours in the bedroom followed by a fond farewell. A happy ending. Wasn't that what they'd both agreed to?

‘Jo, in the spirit of full disclosure I have to tell you something else.' He paused for a second and took her other hand in his. ‘I love you and want you to be in my life forever.'

Jo's pulse began to thud in her ears.

‘I want you to be part of my life, Jo. Part of our lives, mine and Ella's. She might not be biologically related to me but she's my daughter in every way that counts. If we're ever going to be together I need you to understand that Ella is part and parcel of that, no matter what. I'll never do anything to jeopardise that relationship.'

Jo wanted to stop him, to say something about how she loved him too, but parenthood was a risk she just couldn't take. He was looking at her with such hope and tenderness in his eyes and she knew she was about to break his heart all over again. When she opened her mouth it seemed full of sand. No words came.

Ryan filled the silence between them. ‘After I saw you with Ella yesterday I knew that I had to try to make a go of it with you. I think we were destined to be together. No one affects me the way you do. It's been seven years and I still catch my breath when I see you. My heart still hammers like I'm a nervous teenager every time we touch. When I see you playing with Ella my heart is full and I know that if I could have that vision in my life every single day, my world would be complete. If you still love me, and I think you do, I can't see why we can't be together. Ella's already fallen in love with you. We could be a family, if that's what you want.'

He loved her.

Not
had always loved her
, or
part of him would always love her.
He loved her. Right here. Right now. For a few seconds she allowed herself to revel in the elation of hearing those words said out loud.