Finding Ever After (39 page)

           
“Kyden it’s okay. I’m the one who wants to talk. Can you please just wait
outside the door for a minute?” He didn’t want to, but I needed this and I
tried to make him see that with the look I gave him. Finally he agreed, but not
before making it perfectly clear that he would wait right outside the door and
wouldn’t hesitate to come back in if he thought my father was so much as making
me uncomfortable.

           
“I don’t know what you want to hear from me.” My father started once the door
shut behind Kyden. “I’ll never be a father to you. I never wanted you to be a
part of my life.” He didn’t hold back, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t already
know. Even so, hearing it
aloud,
was like a punch
straight to the gut.

           
“Not for the reasons you think though. It’s never been that you weren’t as
important as your siblings. You’re the single most important thing to me.”
What?
“
Which is why I wanted you to be as far away from me as
possible.
When your mother died, and that became an impossibility, I
thought I could make it work, bring you into my house and you would fall into
place like your brothers and sister. Instead, what I got was a little girl with
the same sweetness and passion as her mother and my eyes and temper. You
challenged me at every step, headstrong and unyielding.

           
“Shane, Ryan and Cathryn are my blood, my responsibility. They have their uses,
although your sister’s are few. You though, the moment I found out your mom was
pregnant, I wanted something I could never have. I wanted you, like I’d never
wanted anything before. I truly loved your mother, but by the time I met her
there was no turning back or getting out for me. I was in the life and I didn’t
want out. I thrived in it. I never meant to fall in love with her, but you know
what she was like. It couldn’t be helped, but where I was going there wasn’t
room for love, and there certainly wasn’t a place for someone like her. She was
kind and gentle and good. I had her for a short time and that was more than I
deserved.

           
“You’re so much like her that it hurts to look at you. I see the only woman who
ever meant anything to me. I couldn’t let myself want any part of that. I
didn’t want to remember her and you were a constant reminder. I wanted you to
stay out of my way and stay in line, but you’re also too much like me for that
to have ever been conceivable. I’d hoped that Connor would be able to
reign
you in and you would be his responsibility. It would
let me off the hook of having to face you every day.” There was so much regret
on his face.

           
“I’ve never apologized, not once in my life, to anyone. Not even to your mother
when I broke her heart, because I knew she would be better off.” He looked me
right in the eyes. “I am truly sorry that I put you in Connor’s sights, that I
enabled him to hurt you. I am sorry that I failed to keep you safe. I won’t ask
for your forgiveness because I don’t want it. This is something I will never
forgive myself for. He will pay and you will never have to see me again. I
won’t interfere with your life in any way. You will be completely free to live
it however you choose.”

           
He turned and left the room without giving me the chance to say anything. I
wondered if that really would be the last time I ever saw my father. As soon as
he exited the room, Kyden was in front of me, his face etched with concern. “Do
you want to talk about it?”

           
I told him everything my father had said from the moment I walked into the room
and found him at Shane’s bedside. Afterward he didn’t say much, I think he knew
I was still processing.

           
Lucy and Izzy came back and we all sat around Shane’s bed and ate the
sandwiches Kyden got from the cafeteria. Nothing changed with Shane’s condition
and eventually we were kicked out again. We convinced Lucy to come back to the
house with us. We didn’t want them to be alone.

           
They settled into Chris’ room, which he graciously gave up for them, and Kyden
and I curled up in his bed. I was laying there facing him while he held my hand
in his and traced faint circles over my wrist with his thumb. That’s when he
asked me how I was feeling about everything my father had said.

           
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I should be feeling.” I confessed. “I was so
unwilling to consider that Connor could be going behind my father’s back. I
just wanted to hate him so badly. It made it easier to accept the
disappointment. Now I don’t know whether I still hate him, or if this changes
anything. Regardless, he’s still a terrible father and I just don’t know if I
can let that go. I still hold him responsible for Connor.”

           
“I think you’re entitled to feel however you want, and you don’t have to figure
any of it out tonight. You’ve gone through so much in such a short
time,
it’s going to take time.” There was no magic solution
in his words. What helped was having him at my side while I struggled with
everything. His understanding and comfort helped to ease some of the ache.

           
“I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, and I won’t try to tell you
how to feel about your father. If you never want to forgive him I understand.”

           
“I think I need to though, like I won’t ever move past that pain if I don’t. I
have this new understanding of him, and he’s not a good man but maybe he’s not
evil. I don’t know.” I sighed in frustration. “Even if he wasn’t behind what
happened to me, there’s no excuse for some of the things he has done, but I
really don’t know him. I don’t know what his life was like, but I know it
couldn’t have been good or easy, for him to end up where he did. I think I
believe him when he says he loved my Mom, and that he left her for her own
good, and as much as I can’t stand how he hurt her, I have to thank him for
letting her go. That was actually pretty selfless.” I laughed.

           
“I never thought I would be able to use that word to describe him. Now he’s
willing to let me walk away too. The thought of finally being free and not
having to worry about when and how he’s going to screw with my life, not having
to be afraid of Connor anymore, is a relief. Is it wrong that my whole life I
just wanted my father to care, and now that I found out that he does, sort of,
I just want him out of my life?”

           
“I’m the last person to ask that.” He answered. “I don’t have the
healthiest,
or most functional relationship with my parents,
but I think anyone in your place would feel the same way.”

           
Every time he alluded to his own family it only increased my curiosity about
his past, but I knew better than to pry before he was ready. I could only hope
that eventually he would trust me with that part of himself. In the mean time,
I wanted to get away from talk about Jack and there was something that I had
been curious about since I first stepped into his room and took notice of all
the instruments.

           
I remembered him telling me that was one of the first instruments he learned
was the violin. I didn’t see one anywhere in his room. He had everything else,
guitars, basses, a keyboard, but no violin.

           
“Why don’t you have a violin?” I asked. “I think I’d like to hear you play it
someday.” His reaction was unexpected and instantaneous. He stared at me as if
I had just asked for his soul. His face looked pained and then without
explanation he released my hand like it burned him. He got up and stormed out
of the room with a scowl on his face. I was too stunned to move, I had no idea
what just happened.

           
The next thing I heard was the front door slamming and the distinct sound of a
motorcycle revving to life. I was at a loss, trying to come up with some
explanation for his reaction, but no matter how many times I replayed the
situation in my head, nothing made sense. If anything I only became more
confused. How could asking about a violin have upset him that much?

           
I waited in his room for an hour, confident that it had to be a big
misunderstanding. I expected him to walk through the door any second and
apologize for taking off. Then we would talk about what had upset him and
everything would be alright again.

           
That didn’t happen. Finally I gave up waiting and tried to call him. It rang
twice and then went to voicemail. He didn’t want to talk to me.

           
I couldn’t wait any longer though. Chris, Spade and Ace were sitting in the
living room watching TV when I emerged from Kyden’s room. They all looked up at
me. From their expressions it was obvious that they knew something was up. I
couldn’t bring myself to speak and almost turned around and retreated back to
the bedroom. Tears were welling in my eyes.

           
“You two have a fight?” Ace asked sympathetically.

           
“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.” I mumbled weakly, trying to blink
the tears away. “Do you guys know where he went?”

           
“Sit.” Chris patted the empty spot beside him, and Spade turned down the volume
on the TV. The knots in my stomach tightened as I took a seat.

           
“What exactly happened Rainbow?” I looked at Spade and related how we had been
talking about the confrontation with my dad, and how I tried to change the
subject by asking him about the violin. As soon as I mentioned the instrument,
I saw realization and pity enter their eyes and I wanted to be sick. It wasn’t
a misunderstanding. Something about that question, that instrument was the
trigger. I had screwed up, significantly. They knew whatever it was I didn’t,
and it was bad.

           
“Will someone please just tell me what’s going on? It doesn’t make any sense to
me why he would get so upset over that. I can tell you guys know. Please? What
did I do wrong?” I begged.

           
“You didn’t do anything wrong baby girl. I’m sure you’ve figured out he doesn’t
like to open up. You hit on a tough subject for him, but it’s not your fault,
and it’s not our story to tell.” Ace’s words didn’t make me feel any better. He
said it wasn’t my fault, but unknowingly or not, I had pushed Kyden away.

           
What if he decided it was too much, that being with me was too much and he
wanted out?
All because of some stupid question that was
supposed to be harmless.
I felt like I was losing him before I even
really had him. They sensed my panic and tried to reassure me.

           
“Hey, don’t. It’s going to work out.” Chris soothed. “He needs time to work
through his
shit
and calm down. Then he’ll come back.
He cares about you too much not to.” I wanted to, no I needed to, believe his
words, but they didn’t provide the comfort they should have, because I didn’t
just
care
about Kyden. I was undeniably and irrevocably in love with
him.

           
In just a few days I had allowed him to infiltrate every part of me. Or maybe
it really hadn‘t happened that fast. Maybe it had been happening since the
first time he turned those penetrating eyes on me.

           
Sometime over the last six weeks, I’d let my walls fall down and now he was so
completely inside of me, that I didn’t know how I would ever get him out if
Chris was wrong. That’s why I had to believe that he wasn’t. The alternative
was too devastating to even consider.

           
Curled up in his bed, I laid awake, staring at my phone waiting for a call or
text and desperately hoping to hear the sounds of a motorcycle returning. I
never did. At some point I fell asleep still waiting and hoping. My last
thought was that I hadn’t even gotten to ask him how the meeting with the
record label went.

           
In the morning I woke up alone, no text messages, no missed calls. I showered,
got dressed and ate breakfast, all the while still hoping. Bas came to take
Lucy, Izzy and I back to the hospital. Someone must have let him know that
Kyden had bailed. I tried one more time to call him, but was ignored just like
before. Pathetically I even sent him six different text messages throughout the
morning, telling him how sorry I was and pleading with him to talk to me. Not
one of my finer moments, but I would have given just about anything to fix it.
What did my pride matter?

           
The day drug by slowly, with me checking my phone every five minutes until Bas
finally took it away when we were sitting in the hospital cafeteria. It was
just the two of us, Luce and Izzy were with Shane, and we were getting lunch.

           
“Don’t do this Jazz.” Bas pleaded with me.

           
“Then what do I do Bas? Tell me what I’m supposed to do
to?”     

           
“I don’t know Jazz.” He sighed.

           
“But you do know why he reacted the way he did. You all know what’s going on.
I’m the only one in the dark here and I can’t stand it.”

           
“
Me
telling you won’t make anything better. He has to
tell you himself. That’s the only way to get past this.”

           
“What if he doesn’t?” My question was met by Bas’ silence and my heart dropped
further. “I love him Bas. I tried not to, but I can’t help it.” I choked out.
“I’m scared.”

           
“I know Jazz. I know.” We finished our cheap meal in silence.

           
In my head I continued to play the situation over and over, in hopes that I
would find an answer, but nothing I came up with explained his extreme
reaction, not that I was even able to come up with much. It was just hard to
imagine any reason why that subject would make him so angry.

           
When we returned to Shane’s room my grief turned to joy, for a while at least.

           
“You’re awake.” I gasped when I walked in and saw Shane sitting up with Izzy in
his lap. Kyden was pushed to the back of my mind and nothing could stop the
huge smile from spreading across my face. Lucy’s face matched my own and she
was sitting in the chair on the far side of his bed with a tight grip on his hand.

           
“Yeah, it seems there are a few people around here who still need me. I’m not
going anywhere.”

           
“Promise?”

           
“I promise.” This time when the tears came they were happy tears. As carefully
as I could without hurting him, I went to his side and hugged him. It quickly
turned into a group hug when Izzy wrapped her little arms around both of our
necks. As long as the people in this room were okay and with me, nothing else
mattered. I would be alright. I had everything I needed. At least that’s what I
tried to convince myself over and over in the following days.

           
The next day passed in the hospital as well. Shane’s body continued to heal,
the four of us talked, laughed and complained about the food, while Izzy never
left her father’s lap except when forced.

           
Vi
and Jake popped in. Chris and his dad checked on
us, and one by one the rest of the guys either called or stopped by. Kyden
never did.

           
I was sure one of the others would have let him know what was going on. Even if
they hadn’t, I’d gotten my phone back and sent him another half dozen pathetic
text messages, one of which contained the news that Shane woke up and was
expected to make a full recovery. Still I got no response. That hurt more than
anything. He knew how scared I was that Shane wouldn’t make it. He took care of
me while I fell apart that day and told me everything would be okay. Well, he
lied. Everything was not okay. I was so far from okay.

           
I struggled not to let myself dwell on it. I tried to focus on the friends who
were there and be thankful that my brother was going to be alright. I was
thankful, but none of that took away the ache of missing and wanting the one
person who wasn’t there.

           
When Bas and I were leaving the hospital that evening, I ducked into the
bathroom to try and call him one more time without getting pity eyes from Bas.
This time I wasn’t sent to voicemail though, it was worse.
Much
worse.
The voice that answered wasn’t Kyden’s, but I definitely
recognized it.

           
“I told you that he would get tired of you and come back to me. You should have
listened sweetie.” I didn’t need to hear anything else before hanging up on
Kaylie.

           
I don’t remember leaving the restroom, or following Bas out to his car and
getting in. We were half way back to the house before I snapped out of the daze
I was in. There was no way I was going back there tonight, to his bed. I
pleaded with Bas to let me crash with him and Lissa. Thankfully he agreed. I
couldn’t tell him about the phone call yet. I still felt like I was going to be
sick to my stomach just thinking about him with her.

           
All I wanted was to be alone so I could cry myself to sleep. Only, once I was
in the spare bedroom of their apartment, the tears just kept coming and didn’t
stop. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his arms around her, his lips on her
body and I wanted to scream. I felt like such a sucker because I never saw it
coming. I believed him when he said he said that he had never felt for anyone,
what he felt for me. I fell for every touch and kiss, but I should have known
that physical intimacy was nothing to him.

           
I knew he hadn’t purposefully taken advantage of me, or lied about it all. He
wasn’t that cruel. I wasn’t that wrong about him. The problem was that he
hadn’t cared as much as I
thought,
he didn’t want it
as badly as I believed, or it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to jump from
my arms back into hers.

           
He tried, and when it got hard he ran. I wasn’t enough for him to stay and
fight. He warned me up front that he couldn’t make any promises. Yet I had
still foolishly opened myself to him without reservation, and made him
my everything
in all of about two point five seconds. Then
just as quickly as it all happened, it ended. If he was
my
everything
and now he was gone, what did that leave me with?

           
I had my brother, his beautiful wife and daughter. I had my two best friends
and a handful of new ones. I was blessed. I knew that, but my heart just didn’t
care, when it felt like it was being ripped into a hundred pieces. I was losing
a part of myself that I’d only recently discovered and begun to love.
The part of myself that came alive when I was with Kyden.

           
Sleep finally came sometime during the night, but it didn’t last. I woke up to
my first phone call from Kyden. Twelve hours ago that’s all I had wanted, and
now I wanted to throw my phone against the wall.
Let’s see how he likes
being sent straight to voicemail
. I knew I was being immature, that I
needed to face him and get it all over with, but that obstinate nature of mine
reared itself and I was determined to make this as difficult for him as
possible.

           
He called eight more times that day and every single time I ignored him. I
spent the entire day hiding out in the guest bedroom. Work had given me the
entire week off to be with my brother, but I didn’t go back to the hospital. I
used the excuse that he still needed a lot of rest and that all of his time
should be spent with his wife and daughter. In reality I just didn’t want to
drag anyone else into my misery. My brother’s recovery was something that
should be celebrated, his hospital room should be a cheerful place and I was a
black hole. I called him every day though, and hoped he couldn’t pick up on my
mood over the phone.  

           
The next day Kyden’s calls started at seven in the morning. I continued to
reject them. I was not able to ignore Bas, however, when he stormed into the
room at ten.

           
“This has got to stop. You need to get your ass out of bed Jazz. I know this
sucks but I’m not going to let you keep hiding from the world in here. You
won’t get anywhere if you don’t talk to him. I know you’re mad, but I thought
that’s what you wanted, and now I’ve got him calling me.”

           
“He went to Kaylie.” I whispered and Bas’ rant stopped immediately. He looked
confused.

           
“Wait, what?”

           
“That’s where he was, with Kaylie. The whole time I was waiting around for him,
he was with her.”

           
“Are you sure? Did he tell you that?”

           
“Sebastian, baby, get out.”
Lissa had been standing
just outside the room, but now she was next to the bed kicking her boyfriend
out of the room.

           
“Why do I need to leave? I want to talk about this and figure out what’s going
on.” He argued.

           
“I know you do baby, but she doesn’t need to figure anything out right now. She
doesn’t need you asking a million questions. You should go see your dad today.”

           
“Now I have to leave the house?” He asked incredulously. She grabbed his arm
and dragged him out into the hall, but I could still hear what she said.

           
“Sebastian, I know you want to jump right in and fix this and take care of her,
but you can’t.” She told him.