Finding Ever After (42 page)

           
The first month they were gone was the hardest. I moved back into my house the
same Friday they left. Bas wasn’t comfortable with me being alone since Connor
was still out there somewhere. I didn’t care though. Connor was a coward, a
coward who was probably as far away from Boston as he could get, running from
my father. I wanted my space back, but mostly I didn’t want anyone else
witnessing any more of my pathetic wallowing.

           
I didn’t even leave my bed that entire weekend except when it was absolutely
necessary. I ignored everyone’s calls, except Ace’s. My cell phone was by my
side at all times so that I wouldn’t miss it. The first one came Saturday
night, after the tour kicked off in North Carolina. I was anxious to hear about
their first concert. I didn’t go to sleep that night, afraid I wouldn’t hear
the phone ring. He finally called at one in the morning.

           
For fifteen minutes I pushed everything else aside and did my best impression
of enthusiastic and cheerful. They deserved my support, and I didn’t need to
make them feel any worse than they already did just because I was having a hard
time. Ace passed the phone around to each of the guys.
Except
for one.
None of them had slept yet, they were still buzzing from the
show. By the end of the conversation, I really was ecstatic for them, but then
we hung up and everything I pushed aside came back.

           
I wondered what
he
thought about their first show, if he was feeling as
amped up as the other three. If he had gotten nervous before the performance or
if he was his typical cool and collected self. I wondered if any girls followed
him back to his hotel room. Why wouldn’t he take one back? They wouldn’t ask
anything of him except one night.

           
During the week I had a routine to get back to. I couldn’t slack on my work if
I wanted to keep my job, and I really wanted to keep my job. Not only was it
something I enjoyed, but it provided much needed distraction.

           
Then Saturday came again and I was intent on keeping myself busy at the house.
I stood in the doorway of the spare room and decided it was a good day to get
it converted to a guest bedroom. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t stalk any of
the music blogs or social media websites to check up on
Ky
, and staying busy was the only way I was going to
be able to keep that promise.

           
I sorted boxes and drawers, setting aside the projects I wanted to finish and
finding places for the ones my mom and I had completed in her last months. I
put the excess craft supplies in a stack to be donated and almost everything
else I wanted to save went to the attic. I texted
Vi
to ask her to go with me tomorrow to pick out a bed and drop off the stuff for
donation. I knew it would make her happy to get me out of the house and doing
something productive.

           
I was right and she was thrilled. She tried to turn it into an entire day of
shopping and lunch, but I couldn’t make myself go along with it. I compromised
and let her help me pick out other furniture for the room and new bedding. She
didn’t want to drop me back at my house when we were done, but she did.

           
I should have let her talk me into lunch, as much shopping as she wanted, a
movie, and dinner. Anything that would have kept me from doing what I did.

           
 When I got back, I set my purchases in the spare room and then there was
nothing left to do. The furniture was being delivered the next day and then I
could finish it. I wandered through the house, but I couldn’t find anything
else to occupy the rest of the day, and that’s why it only took me four hours
to cave. I watched TV, I read, I even painted my nails, but my eyes kept
drifting to my laptop, until I found myself sitting in front of it, opening up
my internet browser.

           
Everything I read was exactly what I expected. People loved them, girls
especially loved them. They had played four shows, two in North Carolina, one
in West Virginia and then the most recent was in Florida. They were blowing up
every site I checked. They weren’t the only ones though, and that is why I
wished that I had done anything today, but turn on my stupid computer.

           
 I found out that Hollow Crossing had been signed as well and put on the
same tour. Jealousy and anger leaked out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I
couldn’t stop it, even though I believed Kyden when he said nothing else
happened between them. I even knew that he never really had feelings for her,
but I wasn’t rational. I was heartbroken. Logic and reason flew out the window
and none of it mattered.

           
The only thing that that mattered to me was that the closest person to an
ex-girlfriend he
had,
was traveling the country with
him and I was not. It was that thought, that left me hunched over, arms
clutched around my middle while sobs wracked my body. That night, for the first
time, I sent Ace to voicemail. His second call as well, but he saw right
through me. The calls were followed immediately by a text message.

           
Ace:
I’m guessing you know she’s here.
I’m sorry we didn’t tell you.
We didn’t want to make it harder for you, but I swear he hardly even speaks to
her.

           
I didn’t respond, and he didn’t send
any more texts or try to call again that night. I couldn’t ignore him for long
though, I didn’t want to. The next evening when my phone rang with his image on
the screen I answered it. I went back to looking forward to his calls each
night.

           
The following week saw a little more normalcy return to my life, even though I
felt anything but, on the inside. The pain was always there, just under the
surface, waiting for a moment of weakness, to incapacitate me. The days were a
blur of keeping my mind focused on anything else, so that wouldn’t happen. I
went to dinner at Shane and Lucy’s, had lunch dates with
Vi
and Lissa and Friday after work I was in the stands cheering Bas on at his
first lacrosse game of the season.

           
I finally reached out to Sadie as well and now we were talking on the phone a
couple times a week. I’d put off talking to her because sharing my heartbreak
with her made me feel weak. My suffering paled in comparison to hers. She’d
lost the person she loved as well. Only her fiancé didn’t break up with her and
take off on a music tour, he died in Iraq.

           
I should have known she would never judge me though, or make my pain seem
insignificant. She understood what I was going through and was there for me
when I was
struggling
the most. I would call her in
the moments when the pain of missing him seemed like too much, and she would
talk me through it. She told me that it was a year before she took off her
engagement ring, and about the nights she still woke up looking for him next to
her, which was the hardest part.

           
Some nights I dreamed of Kyden. Waking up was the worst part for me, too, after
one of those nights. While I slept I had him. I dreamed of the few days we had,
but mostly I dreamed of the ones we never had, and what they could have been,
if only things were different. That was all ripped away every time I opened my
eyes in the morning and it was like saying goodbye to him all over again.

           
Sadie and I finally made plans for her to come out and visit me in December.
She wanted to come sooner, but wasn’t able to work it out with her job. She was
now managing the music store. I was anxious for her to spend Christmas with me,
not only because I missed her, but also because I knew it meant she wouldn’t be
alone for the holiday. She had even less family than I did. Seeing her gave me
something to look forward to.

           
Eight states and almost twenty shows from the time I watched them load up and
drive away and four weeks had passed. The first month was gone. It was like some
pivotal breakup landmark, everyone stopped asking me if I was doing okay. They
quit walking on eggshells around me and expecting me to cry at any moment. One
month was apparently the appropriate amount of time to get over the only guy
you’d ever given your heart to, to stop missing him. On the outside I could
make it appear so, but on the inside I was still battling for it to be true.

           
Sometimes Bas would get this look on his face, like for a brief moment he saw
through it, but he never called me on it. I felt awful hiding anything from
Bas, putting on a mask for him, but I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t
want to disappoint him when he finally thought I was better. He and
Vi
were both back in classes and had a lot on their plates
without me giving them more to worry about.

           
Some days were harder than others. The day I finally convinced myself to go
pick up the stuff I’d left at the guy’s place, was one of those days. That day
I found out just how not over him I was, after one month.

           
I stood in the doorway of his bedroom taking everything in. So much was the
same; there was a pair of jeans strewn across the floor, and my neat little
stack of clothes was still folded on top of his dresser. His closet door was
left open, and although it was mostly empty, the dress I wore to the barbecue
our first day as a couple
was
hanging there next to
his only suit. The book I had started reading that weekend was sitting on his
nightstand, still opened to the page I had left off on. A lot of his books and
all of the guitars, except
Red,
were gone, as well his computer and his
composition notebooks.

           
His room looked exactly how I felt, like a shell he left behind. It still held
pieces of him; memories and bits of his life, but ultimately it would be clear
to anyone who looked inside, that he was gone. I realized then that the pain of
losing him hadn’t actually lessened at all. I still missed him with just as
intensely as I did the first day without him. I’d just gotten used to the pain;
it was a part of me now. Each day was easier to get through because I knew what
to expect. I had adjusted to life without him, but it would take a lot longer
than one month for my heart to heal from that loss.

           
Bas found me sitting on the bed, silently crying into
Ky’s
pillow. He didn’t say anything, just packed up
my stuff and took it out to his car. He came back and
laid
down beside me and stared up at the ceiling while I tried to hide my face. He
still didn’t speak. When the tears stopped, we got up and he drove me home, but
before I could open my door and get out of the car he stopped me.

           
“Maybe you should call him Jazz.” He said hesitantly.

           
“No.” That was the last thing I would do. He didn’t try to change my mind, but
he wasn’t done.

           
“This has to stop Jazz. No more hiding and letting him do this to you. I can’t
stand seeing you like this. I haven’t said anything because I thought you were
getting better, but I can see now that I should’ve been paying better
attention. Once before I didn’t see how much you were really hurting and I lost
you. I’m not going to let that happen again.” As much as I didn’t want to hear
what he was saying, I also didn’t want to be the girl who kept falling apart
because of a boy. He was right. It had to stop. I said goodbye to Bas and went
inside and tried not to be that girl anymore.

           
Two weeks later it was confirmed, John Timbale and Expelling Shadows wanted
them for the whole tour. They’d have a ten day break after their last show here
in Massachusetts, before they left for Texas, where the west coast tour
started.

           
Up to that point I had been good at only checking the blogs and websites once a
week and staying away from all video clips of their performances. I wasn’t
healed, but I was getting better and I knew that seeing him, hearing his voice,
would only set me back.

           
I was reading the post that had the tour announcement and at the bottom I saw a
heading above one video clip that caused my resolve to waver.
“Steamy Duet between Ashes and Ember’s Front Man Kyden McCabe
and Hollow Crossing goddess Kaylie Patton.”

           
It was like a gruesome accident on the side of the road. You know you should
just keep driving, but you can’t help but look. That’s what happened when I
clicked play. My heart sped up at the sound of his achingly familiar voice,
then my stomach revolted the first time she touched him. The worst part was
,
it was brilliant. They performed one of Hollow Crossing’s
songs, I had heard it before, but Kyden brought a whole new intensity and
rawness to the song. They were incredible together.

           
The performance sparked all kinds of comments and gossip about a possible
romance between the two. It was like that
night
in the
hospital all over again; her voice on his phone shredding my heart. For the
second time I rejected a call from Ace when it came, but he kept calling. After
the fourth time I sent him to voicemail he texted.

           
Ace:
Please answer. Don’t shut me out.

           
When he called again five minutes
later I gave in and answered.