Finding Ever After (43 page)

           
“Did you see the video?” He knew I had.

           
“Ace, when will it stop hurting so much?” My voice was so quiet I wasn’t sure
if he heard me until he sighed a moment later.

           
“I don’t know baby girl, I don’t know. That performance wasn’t planned, you
need to know that. He couldn’t exactly say no in front of thousands of people.”

           
“Do you think I’m being stupid, that I should be over him already?”

           
“You’re not the one being stupid in all of this.” After that he tried to take
my mind off of it all by filling me in on some more mishaps on the road.

           
He told me about how Spade almost missed the bus from Ohio to Pennsylvania.
They were three hours late because some girl left him handcuffed to her hotel
room bed, and nobody could find him until the maid went in to turn the room
over. I could hear Spade hollering in the background trying to get the phone
away from Ace, and then he came on and tried to deny the whole incident. I was
actually laughing when I got off the phone. It was the first time I had really
laughed in a long time.

           
Three weeks later and month two was wrapping up quickly. I had a huge event to
promote and prepare for at the gallery which took up most of my time and
energy. There were only six days until their final concert before the break. It
was at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, not even an hour from Boston. The guys
sent tickets and everyone was planning on going.
Everyone
except me.

           
Bas and
Vi
tried to talk me into it. They thought I
was so much stronger than I really was. When I was with them, it was easier to
act like I wasn’t still so deeply affected. For hours at a time I could let go
and smile and laugh with them. I was living.
Without him.
But I wasn’t over him, not by a long shot.

           
The moments when I was riveted to my computer screen hitting play for just ten
seconds of the sweetest misery, was proof of that. Ever since I watched the
video of him and Kaylie my resolve was left in tatters. I wouldn’t allow myself
any more than ten seconds at a time, but I just needed to hear him.

           
I gave up the blogs and everything else, but I needed the videos. His voice was
like the worst kind of drug and every day I was desperate for my next hit. I
lived for it. In those ten seconds it was just me and him. His voice reached
into my soul and made me feel everything; good and bad. Afterward I was left
wrecked for a little while, but it was worth it. At least it meant my heart was
still strong enough to feel.
The only thing worse than
feeling depressed was feeling nothing at all.

           
The numbness and emptiness tried to creep in and it terrified me more than all
the hurt in the world. It would be too easy to let it wrap around me and erase
the pain, but it was a dangerous place for me to go to. I’d been there before;
for months after Connor attacked me I was that way. I never wanted to see that
vacancy in my eyes or feel so hollow again.

           
I couldn’t go to that concert though. I’d learned just what my limits were, and
knew that going would be more than I could take. Ace was a little disappointed
when I told him, but he said he understood. I knew he did, I just wished he
didn’t have to. I couldn’t wait to see him.

           
Just six days.

           
I sent the interns out with more posters and fliers to hang up and hand out all
over the city.

           
Five days.

           
The guys played a show in Michigan.

           
Four days.

           
I called all of our regular clients who’d showed interest in the artists we
were featuring, or similar work, to remind them and offer them a VIP first
look, giving them opportunity to see the work an hour before the public was
allowed in.

           
Three days.

           
The guys played a show in Pennsylvania.      

           
Two days.

           
I posted all over the websites to draw in last minute attendees.

           
One day.

           
The showing went exceptionally well. We had an amazing turnout and my bosses
were impressed with my hard work and commitment and mentioned a raise before
the night was over.
Another benefit of throwing myself so
fully into my work.

           
Saturday night; the night of the concert, was here and while everyone else was
on their way to Mansfield I was locked up tight in my house with a stack of
Resident Evil movies to keep me company. There wasn’t anything romantic about
Alice laying waste to hordes of Zombies. Nothing about watching the infected
take bullets to the brain would make me think of the boy who would have my
heart up on that stage with him while he made fifteen thousand other people
fall in love with him as well.

           
I couldn’t completely keep him off my mind though because tomorrow he wouldn’t
just be back in Massachusetts, he’d be back in Boston. Two months and the
thought of occupying the same space as him again, had me wanting to pack a bag
and run back to Portland. I was scared. Not of him being cruel or of wanting
him more when I saw him, that wasn’t it. The morning they’d left, right before
he disappeared into the back of the van, I saw in his eyes that he still cared.
Not enough, but it was something. I was scared, no terrified, that when I
looked into his eyes now, I wouldn’t see it anymore, that it would be completely
gone. Yet one look into mine and he would see that two months had done nothing
to erase the longing from eyes.

           
Maybe I would get lucky and the zombie apocalypse would come before that
happened. With my luck, if the zombie apocalypse did ensue, I’d end up in a
doomsday bunker with him and Kaylie. I’d probably let the zombies have my
brains rather than endure that. Then I would come back and eat Kaylie’s brains.

           
It wasn’t at all surprising that I dreamed of zombies when I fell asleep on my
couch. I was in the middle of plowing through a pack of them in my car, when my
dream was interrupted.

           
“Wake up baby girl.” I opened my eyes to see Ace and Spade grinning down at me.
I was instantly wide awake and launching myself up and into Ace’s arms.

           
“What are you guys doing here? You said you couldn’t come home until tomorrow.”
I squeezed my arms around his neck.

           
“Wanted to surprise
ya
Rain- Hey, it’s not rainbow
anymore.” Spade commented on my hair. I hadn’t felt very bright and colorful
lately so I’d dyed over it with a deep purple on top and dark blue underneath
that was almost black.

           
“I wanted something new.” I told him. He nodded in understanding and I moved
into his waiting arms.

           
“Okay if we crash with you tonight?” Ace asked while I raked my eyes over their
appearances and taking in the changes. Ace had chopped off his ponytail and now
his hair fell in waves around his face, that didn’t quite reach his shoulders.
He was also sporting a good amount of scruff on his pretty face. Spade’s hair
was cropped close to his head except for the purple fauxhawk he was rocking.
They both looked good.

           
“Of course you guys can stay. I can’t believe you’re back. I missed you both so
much.” I exclaimed.

           
“Good because I am so tired. I think I might sleep right through this whole
break.” Spade professed before throwing me over his shoulder and packing me up
the stairs to my bedroom. Ace was right on his heels. He tossed me down on the
bed and they both stripped out of their jeans and practically collapsed on
either side of me.

           
“
Ummm
.
I have a spare
bedroom guys.” I tried to tell them.

           
“Don’t care Rainbow. Go to sleep.” Spade yawned and Ace just grunted his
response. They weren’t going anywhere and I was too thrilled that they were
back to bother kicking them out.
Even though it was a tiny
bit awkward to be sharing a bed with the two of them.

           
The next morning when I woke up they were both still out cold. I wiggled myself
from between them and then I may have moved down the stairs and into the
kitchen in a way that looked a lot like skipping or prancing. My lighthearted
mood carried on while I prepared breakfast. Thankfully no one was around to
witness the embarrassing dance I was doing while I stood at the stove. Or at
least I thought nobody was watching.

           
“Looking good Tink.
What’s for breakfast?” Chris was
standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a teasing grin on his face. I was
too happy to see him to care that he saw me dancing around the kitchen like a
fool in my sleep shorts and batman slippers. I put down the spatula I was
wielding and attacked him the same way I had the guys last night.

           
“Not that I mind, but how do you guys keep getting into my
house?”

           
“I think they got Bas’ key from him last night, and I used Dad’s just now.”
That made sense, and they all had my alarm code.

           
Spade and Ace came down just as I was pulling the last of the French toast off
the griddle. Chris was already piling a plate high with bacon, eggs and the
first slices of French toast. The two of them didn’t hesitate to grab plates
and start loading them. I snatched a piece of bacon out of the pan before they
took it all.

           
Over breakfast I listened to more stories from the road. I wasn’t surprised in
the least by their shenanigans and the trouble they’d caused over the last two
months. I sat back and watched them talk about everything they saw and experienced.
It became more obvious than ever that it was the life they were meant for.
Touring, seeing different places, playing sold out shows, crowds of adoring
fans; all of it was clearly a dream realized for them. I was so excited, but at
the same time I saw everything changing. They weren’t just my guys anymore,
they belonged to those screaming fans now too, and pretty soon they would
belong to the rest of the word as well.

           
After breakfast the guys were eager to get back to their own house, but not
before we made plans to go out the next night in celebration of their short
homecoming and the success of the tour so far. I couldn’t hide my nerves about
seeing Kyden and they picked up on it. Spade shifted uncomfortably and Ace
looked at my sympathetically but it was Chris who broke the news that should
have been a relief, but wasn’t, at all.

           
“He didn’t come back Tink.” I tried not to react, to act like I didn’t care one
way or the other, but I’m pretty sure I failed miserably.

           
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the reason. Had he met someone else,
was he spending the break with her? Was he holed up somewhere with Kaylie? Did
he just not want to see me? There wasn’t a single scenario that I could come up
with that didn’t make it difficult to breathe. The panic must have been visible
on my face.

           
“He got real tight with Max, the drummer from Expelling Shadows. He flew to
Phoenix with him and the rest of those guys after the show last night.” Chris
informed me and then added, “as far as I know, he hasn’t been with anyone
else.”

           
“Yeah baby girl. He acted like recluse most of the time, just going back and
forth from the bus to the hotel to the show. He only showed up to a few of the
after parties and most of the time he bailed early. Max wasn’t big on the
partying either, I think that’s why they hit it off.” Ace explained and I was
relieved. I didn’t even care if they were only saying it to make me feel
better. I didn’t care if it wasn’t really
true,
I needed
to believe it was.

           
Knowing Kyden wasn’t going to be at the dinner helped me to relax while I got
ready that evening. I looked forward to being out with everyone without the
anxiety. The disappointment remained though, just under the surface. No matter
how much I tried to convince myself that I was better off not seeing him, that
I hadn’t even wanted to see him, I couldn’t make it disappear.

           
While we were at the restaurant our night out turned into a celebration of
another sort. I had noticed Bas seemed nervous which was unusual, and then I
saw that his hand kept going to his pocket and his eyes hardly left Lissa.
That’s when I realized what was coming.

           
He did me proud too, set the bar for every guy in the place who had a
girlfriend watching it play out.
Lissa’s
yes was
immediate and tearful. The cheers from our table were heard all through the
restaurant, and others nearby our table, who witnessed the moment joined in.

           
I didn’t know it was possible to be so happy and so utterly devastated at the
same time, but I was. My heart was ready to explode with joy, but at the same
time it felt like it was going to shrivel up and wither away. I wasn’t jealous,
not even a little bit. I wanted this for them almost more than anything. Bas
was everything to me, and Lissa was quickly becoming like a sister.

           
It wasn’t jealousy that coursed through my body, but longing. Almost any girl,
who finds herself in a relationship with a guy she’s deeply in love with, can’t
help but imagine a moment like this at some point. When he drops down on one
knee and asks you to be forever his. Kyden and I never got even remotely close
to that, but it doesn’t mean that I never picture it for a brief second; the
ring, the dress, the friends that would be there, the life we would have,
children; all of it, like a short movie reel. Unfortunately ours was the script
that never progressed past the opening scene. Bas and Lissa though, they were
the forever that gave me hope amidst the heartache. I hugged and congratulated
them both.

           
We went from the restaurant to a club and I danced and laughed and celebrated
with the group all night, not once revealing that I was anything but overjoyed.
Everyone joked and took bets on whether Chris or I would be the best man. Lissa
told Bas he was stuck with his brother because she was making me a bridesmaid.
He tried to offer her a trade, saying she could put Spade in a dress instead,
but she didn’t go for it. I think Spade might have been a little offended that
she didn’t.