Finding Ever After (40 page)

           
“Why the hell not?”

           
“Because, her heart is broken baby, and as much as you want to, you can’t just
fix that. You’re a guy and I know that’s hard for you to understand, but she
needs someone to listen and let her cry and she needs mass amounts of ice cream
and junk food.”

           
“How do you know that?”

           
“Because not too long ago that was me.”
He didn’t need
any further convincing. I heard him leave the house and I heard Lissa place a
call to someone. She came back into the room and climbed up on the bed with me.
She didn’t pressure me to talk, and I knew she understood exactly how I was
feeling.

           
We laid there quietly for fifteen minutes before I heard the door open again
and
Vi
came into the room. She
laid
down on my other side, took my hand in hers and rested her head on my shoulder.

           
I sobbed quietly for almost half an hour before I ran out of tears to cry. “I
know I shouldn’t love him so much, it’s only been a week, but it hurts so
much.”

           
“Oh babe, you were falling for that boy long before you two made it official.
Time doesn’t really matter when the heart decides what it wants, and yours has
wanted him for a lot longer than a week.” She was right.

           
“He was being so wonderful. He was sweet and attentive. I thought he really
wanted to make it work, but our first fight, that wasn’t even a fight, and he
ran straight back to her.”

           
“That bastard.
I knew he was ass but I thought, we all
thought he was so different with you. I encouraged you to give him a
chance,
I actually thought for five seconds that he could be
good for you, that he would fight for you. I swear I’m
gonna
kill him if Bas doesn’t beat me to it.”

           
“No, I don’t want that. It’s my fault. He told me he didn’t think he could do a
relationship. He warned me that he would screw up. I knew he was a therapists
dream, with his trust and commitment issues. He’s always jumped
form
one girl to the next. That doesn’t just go away over
night, but I ignored everything I knew. He said he wanted me and that was all
it took. This is my fault.”

           
“This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything-” Lissa was prevented from
finishing when the sound of Kyden’s ringtone filled the room. Before I hit
ignore though,
Vi
grabbed it and answered.

           
“Go back to your whore and leave Jax alone asshole.” She ended the call and
tossed it back down on the bed. If I had known that would provoke him into
showing up at the apartment ten minutes later I would have tried to stop her.
He didn’t even knock, just barged right in demanding to talk.

           
“Oh hell no.
You’ve done enough. You had your chance
to talk before you went back to your
skank
.”
Vi
wasn’t going to back down, but I could tell neither was
he. It was going to get ugly. I needed to face him
eventually,
I might as well do it now, before one of them killed the other.

           
“It’s fine Vi. I’ll talk to him.”

           
“Are you sure?” I nodded.

           
“We’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” Lissa said before she shut
the door behind them. I wondered if they would actually go to the living room
or just stand outside the door and listen in.

           
It was then, with him staring down at
me, that
I
remembered I hadn’t showered in two days and probably had puffy eyes to go
along with the messy hair. It helped a little when I noticed that Kyden looked
slightly disheveled himself. He had three days’ worth of scruff on his face and
there were dark circles under his eyes. The only difference was
,
he was still beautiful even when he was a mess.

           
“I know I screwed up taking off like that, but I can explain.”

           
“I don’t need you to explain. I got the message loud and clear.”

           
“I’m sorry that I ignored your calls. I just needed time to figure some stuff
out. I panicked, and I had to get away.”

           
“And back to Kaylie, yeah I got it. She was kind enough to let me know when she
answered your phone.” I snapped. I didn’t want his excuses. He couldn’t justify
or explain away what he did.

           
“What are you talking about? When did she answer my phone?” Did he really think
I was that naïve?

           
“Wednesday night. I called you, but she answered your phone and told me you
were back with her.”

           
“Fuck.”
Yeah, you can’t get out of this one buddy
. He ran his hand
through his hair and stared down at his feet for a moment before sitting on the
edge of the bed.

           
“She was there, but I swear Princess I didn’t go to her. I was at Mick’s,
crashing on his couch. He had people over and she showed up, but I promise
nothing happened. I must have left my phone sitting where she could get it, but
I didn’t even speak to her. You can ask Mick or anyone else who was there.” I
didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I wanted to, badly, and it was
definitely something she would do.

           
“I promise you Princess. You have every right to be pissed at me, but not for
that. I didn’t touch her.” I sighed. He was telling the truth. It didn’t make
everything better, but it took some of the hurt away to know that he hadn’t
cheated.

           
“I believe you, but it doesn’t change anything. I still don’t want you here.”

           
“I know. I just need to tell you something, so you’ll understand that none of
this was ever your fault. I owe you that much, and then if you still want me to
go I will.” He was offering me the one thing I had
been
desperately wanting
to know since he bailed on me Monday night. The big
secret, or whatever it was that set him off, and now I wasn’t so sure I wanted
to know. It might explain everything, it could make things right between us,
which should have made me eager to hear it, but I was more terrified that it
wouldn’t. That he would reveal whatever it was and it wouldn’t change anything.
I would still be left angry and heartbroken.

           
If there was a chance to work things out though, I had to take it, and if I
turned him down this time, I probably wouldn’t get the chance ever again. He
was lowering a wall and I needed to scale that thing and throw myself over the
top while I could.

           
“Okay.”

           
“I hated playing the violin. The first time my mother put one in my hands when
I was eight, I wanted to smash it against the wall and shatter it into pieces.
The violin instructor my parents hired was a dreadful bitch. I had to deal with
her four times a week until I was thirteen. The day she retired to Florida, I
wanted to throw a party. Two weeks later my mother found someone to take her
place and I stopped hating the violin so much.” He was fidgeting and his hands kept
returning to his hair. I’d never seen him look so out of place and
uncomfortable. He took a deep breath before continuing.

           
“Elaina was nineteen and music lessons were how she paid her way through
school. I was just hitting puberty and she was every horny, little boy’s
fantasy. I hung on her every word and would practice for hours after she left
every day, just so I could surprise her. My parents were never around; our
sessions were always in private. Things didn’t start getting weird until about
six months after Elaina started coming to the house.” I had a sick feeling in
my stomach that I knew where this story was going. I could only pray that I was
way off.

           
“Elaina would start rewarding me when I perfected a new piece or concept. At
first it just innocent little things, or at least I thought they were. A hug, a
kiss on the cheek, or she would end the lesson for the rest of the day and we
would play video games or go for a swim in the pool if we could get away with
it. Pretty soon she started bringing me gifts. A
cd
she knew I wanted but my parents didn’t approve of, and then right before my
fourteenth birthday, she brought me a dirty mag.” I raised my eyebrows.

           
“Like I said I was a horny little bastard so it wasn’t the first time I had
seen porn, but having my older violin teacher bring it to me was mind blowing.
That night when she was gone I pulled it out and realized that the girls in the
magazine looked a lot like her. They all had long blonde hair and big blue eyes
and had a similar build; lots of curves.” I wanted to stop him, because now
there was no doubt in my mind about where this was leading. I wanted to stop
him, but I had to hear it so I let him keep talking. I remained silent the
whole time, trying hard to mask my horror and disgust.

           
“By the time I turned fourteen, the touches and kisses on the cheek started
lingering a little longer and happening more frequently. My parents loved her
because I wasn’t complaining about having to play anymore, and she was quickly
becoming my obsession. It wasn’t too much later that she gave me my first real
kiss.
A month after that we took another swim, only this time
she went topless.
Then the next time she took her shirt off she asked if
I wanted to touch her.” I couldn’t hear this, I thought I could listen but I
was going to be physically ill. I started shaking my head and my eyes were
burning with the tears I wanted to cry for that fourteen year old boy, and the
hatred I felt for Elaina.

           
“Please, just let me finish. You need to hear it all.” I didn’t want to, I
wanted to do anything but sit here and listen to the rest of this tale play
out, but I had to do it for him. As difficult as it was for me to hear, it had
to be even worse for him to tell me.

           
“Okay. Keep going.” I whispered.

           
“After that she made it a game. She would start stripping while I played and if
I could make it through the piece without messing up she would let me touch
her. When I got better at that she came up with new tactics to try and distract
me and she started touching me. I was still fourteen when I lost my virginity,
and more of our lessons were spent in my bed, than actually playing the violin.
I was convinced that I was in love with her and that we just had to keep our
relationship a secret until I was eighteen and we could be together.

           
“We continued sneaking around until I was seventeen. Then one day my Mom
informed me that Elaina quit because she was getting married and that I didn’t
need a violin tutor anymore. I went up to my room and did what I had wanted to
do when I was eight, and the damn thing was first thrust into my hands. I
smashed the violin to pieces. I haven’t picked one up since that day. She was
just another heartless bitch, no different than my affectionless mother who
used people and discarded them when she was done.”

           
Until this moment I had only ever truly hated two other people, and recently my
hatred toward Jack had lessoned. What I felt toward Elaina was right up there
with how I felt about Connor. I was nauseous, and shaking with an anger that
was foreign to me. My heart was shattered for him, and I wanted her to pay for
it. She had taken a sweet kid, who was probably just dying for some female
attention, someone to care about him, and she had taken advantage of him and
broke him. She was responsible for this damaged man sitting in front of me,
face filled with shame.

           
I knew there was more to his story, that his past had other hurts, probably from
his parents, especially his mother, but this was the major event that had
shaped him into who he was today. It was no wonder he didn’t trust or respect
most women. His womanizing ways and all the bitterness and resentment that
boiled just under the surface made sense. He hid behind his sarcasm and charm,
sex was a weapon that he expertly wielded, and it was because of that woman.

           
“What’s going through your head right now?” He asked avoiding my eyes.

           
“You don’t want to know.” I answered.

           
“Yes I do. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

           
“I’m thinking about how much I want to run that woman over with my car, how
much I want to scream at your mother for not knowing what was going on. I feel
sickened just imagining her touching you.” He winced. “But mostly I’m just
sorry, so sorry that it happened to you.”

           
“Don’t.” He warned. “
Don’t
fucking do that. I’m not a
damn victim and I don’t want your pity.” I finally understood what it was to be
one the other end of that statement.

           
“Believe me, I know about not wanting people’s pity, better than anyone. That’s
not what this is. I can’t help but hurt for you, no matter what you think, this
was something that was done to you. She took advantage of a kid-” Definitely
the wrong thing to say. He jumped up and turned on me in a flash.

           
“Nothing was done to me. I wasn’t fucking raped. I knew what we were doing and
I sure as hell didn’t say no, but I definitely enjoyed it.” I don’t know if
that part was meant just to hurt me, but it did. He turned around and moved to
the other side of the room. He was trying to push me away again. He’d finally
let me in, let me see his soul. Even if he didn’t mean to, I saw it.

           
I saw the thirteen year old kid dying to please, to have someone appreciate
him. The fourteen year old kid who was tricked into believing that sex was
love, and I saw the seventeen year old boy who had that lie exposed and ripped
out of him. All of it broke my heart for him even more.

           
There had been countless girls since then, who had wanted a piece of him, his
body, his talent, his reputation, and not one of them really knew him. They
didn’t care about the guy underneath all of that, but I did. God did I care.

           
I wanted to hold him, to tell him it wasn’t his fault. I wanted to tell him
that there wasn’t anything wrong with him and all of the same things Bas and
Vi
had been saying to me for years. I knew that words alone
didn’t help though, that I couldn’t make him believe anything he didn’t want
to.

           
I didn’t know what was going on in his head, but what I could see scared me.
There was regret in his eyes, and I was betting he wished he hadn’t told me. He
wanted to take it all back. The wall was fully erected again, reinforced and
twice as high, and I wasn’t getting through it this time.

           
I thought knowing his secret would bring us closer, that it would strengthen
our relationship, but it was going to do the opposite. He was retreating,
getting defensive. I could see it happening right in front of me and I couldn’t
stop it. All the while I was falling deeper. Knowing what he had been through,
and the chance he had been willing to take on me, only made me love him more.
He didn’t just have a piece of my heart, he owned the whole scarred thing and
that was really dangerous for me.

           
I’d already spent three days experiencing the pain of losing him. Now that I
knew just how damaged he was, I also knew that he would fight with every part
of himself to keep his own heart locked up. I would always be the one who cared
more, loved more and therefore would have so much more to lose. I didn’t blame
him, but I didn’t know if I could keep fighting for something he would probably
never be able to give me.

           
I was torn. The distance between us was even greater than it had been before
his confession, and my head was screaming to get out now while it only felt
like I was being crushed. That pain wouldn’t even come close to touching the
devastation I would know if I continued to give him more of myself. I would
love him more and more every day and if he ran again I wouldn’t just be
crushed, I would be decimated.

           
His back was facing me and he was probably fighting his own internal battle.
His hands were braced against the door frame and his head rested on it. I
didn’t know whether he was going to twist the handle and walk out or turn
around and snap at me some more. Really, either one was just as likely.

           
“I think we need to take some time and figure out what we want. It would be
better if you stayed here.” Just like that, I knew. It was over. We were over.
He’d made the decision for the both of us. I should’ve been relieved. We were
both getting out before we hurt each other any further. This was the rational,
smart choice and yet I wanted to punch him, kick him and scream at him for
taking the choice away from me. I wanted to beg him not to walk out that door.
My head was getting what it wanted but my heart was raging at losing what it
wanted so badly.

           
I couldn’t and wouldn’t beg though, because deep down, I did know that it was
for the best. I wouldn’t be like all of those other girls who threw tantrums
and then threw objects to try and make him stay. We’d both known this was how
it would end. It just happened sooner than I had expected. He left me sitting
on that bed as he walked out of the room and the apartment. He didn’t see the
tears pouring down my face. He never looked back.

           
Lissa and
Vi
returned and took up their positions on
either side of me again. I didn’t tell them what he’d shared with me. I
wouldn’t betray that trust. The guys had been
right,
it wasn’t anyone’s story to tell but his. I did tell them that he wanted to
take some time to think about things. Their faces showed that they saw it for
the ending that it was too.

           
I cried some more, we ate  ice cream, we bashed men in general, even
though they were both happy in their relationships and I didn’t really hate all
guys. I didn’t even hate Kyden, but it did make me feel better.
A little.
Very little.

           
In the evening Bas came home waving two large boxes of pizza. Lissa took one
right out of his hands, sent him to the living room and closed the door behind
her again. We stayed that way all night, just the three of us talking and
sharing our heartaches. Lissa busted out her “breakup DVDs” and we spent hours
watching some of the greatest romances of all time. Our
girls
night turned into a slumber party when they passed out sometime during Pretty
Woman. It must’ve been after one in the morning, but I couldn’t find sleep.

           
I
carefully,
and quietly slipped out of the bed and
padded down the hall to Bas and
Lissa’s
room. I stood
outside the room, unable to bring myself to knock and wake him up, but I wanted
my best friend. The girls were amazing, and they got me through the day, but
now I needed the comfort that only he could provide.

           
I was just raising my hand to knock when the door opened. “I thought I heard
you out here.” His eyes were sad and understanding. He tugged me into his
chest.

           
“Did you wait up for me?” He didn’t need to answer, his face said it all. He
was the one person who knew me better than I knew myself and he knew I would
need him tonight. We moved to the couch in the living room and he tucked into
his side and rested his chin was resting on top of my head. He rubbed my back
while I cried into his shoulder. I didn’t hold anything back from him, he knew
Kyden’s story, at least the gist of it.

           
He understood why my heart not only broke for myself, but for
Ky
as well. He also knew better
than anyone what it was like to want so badly, to help someone you cared about,
to want to take away their pain. I was even more grateful for everything he had
ever done for me. I finally understood what he must have felt all along
watching me suffer, and here he was again, trying to ease my hurt. The tears
finally stopped and the ache in my chest lessened as sleep finally took hold.