Finding Home (26 page)

Twenty-Nine

I couldn’t stop my leg from bobbing up and down as I waited for Dr. Mather to come into the room.  I was nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time.  I’d thought a lot about the baby lately and what I should do.  I’d finally come to the conclusion adoption was the right thing for the baby, but I wondered if seeing it and hearing its heartbeat would change that.  It was a scary thought, one that made me ache for my mom to help me.  Brandon had been unbelievable through it all.  His support was the only reason I’d made it this far, but there was still a part of me that ached to talk to my mom about it, to know what she thought…to know if she would’ve ever been able to give me up the way I planned to do with my baby.  I couldn’t talk to her though because I hadn’t spoken to my parents since they found out I was pregnant.  I tried not to think about the fact they’d kicked me out, but it was no use.  The aching pain they’d caused was always there and if I allowed myself to think about it for too long, I’d get that sick feeling, so I just numbed myself to what they’d done and now I sat on the exam table, holding Brandon’s hand.

“Why can doctors make you wait, but God forbid you’re five minutes late or you miss an appointment and they charge you twenty-five bucks,” I started rambling off and I felt Brandon’s thumb start to rub the back of my hand.

“I’m sure it’ll just be another minute,” he assured me.

“We’ve been in here for like fifteen minutes,” I grumbled, knowing I shouldn’t complain, but I couldn’t help it.  The heightened nerves caused me to lose all sensibility. 

“Relax, babe,” he said calmly, kissing me on the temple just as the door opened.  Dr. Mather walked in, looking more relaxed than the last time we’d met.  I was relieved to see her, but then my heart started to race from the anticipation and I almost wished she’d go away so I could go back to being my neurotic self instead of having to face reality.

“Good morning, Mandy,” Dr. Mather said with a more cheerful voice than she’d used with me during our last meeting, when she told me I was pregnant.

“Hi,” I said, gripping Brandon’s hand tighter.

“How’ve you been?” she asked.

“Alright,” I said, too nervous to expound at all and then she turned to Brandon.

“I’m Dr. Mather, she said, extending a house.

“Brandon Seaver,” he said and I could tell by the way she looked at him she was curious who he was to me.  The father?  My boyfriend?  A friend?  I didn’t think she needed to know who he was.  It didn’t matter.  All that mattered was that he was with me.

“Should we get started?” she asked and I nodded.

It was all a blur after that.  I laid back and stared at the monitor.  I hadn’t expected an internal exam, but I pushed the discomfort away and just focused on the little speck that appeared on the screen.  It looked like a jellybean and I found it hard to believe that it was going to be a baby.  I decided it wasn’t a good idea to think about that too much. 

“It looks as if you’re about twelve weeks along,” she said, and she started hitting some buttons on the machine and looking at the monitor. She hit another button and then a swishing sound filled the room.

“What’s that?”  I asked quickly, meeting Dr. Mather’s eyes.

“The heartbeat,” she said and I closed my eyes as I listened to the sound, the reality of my situation finally sinking in.  I knew I was pregnant, but until now, until seeing it and hearing its heartbeat, it didn’t seem real, but now it was real, it was so real and it was smacking me in the face.  The little tiny person on the screen was part me.  Its little beating heart was half mine and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it as a tear fell down my cheek.

I felt Brandon squeeze my hand a little harder and I turned to him.  I was surprised to see he wasn’t looking at the screen.  He wasn’t looking at the baby.  He was only looking at me.

~~~

“You’ve been really quiet ever since we left the doctor’s office,” I said to Brandon as we drove in his truck. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m fine,” he said, his eyes staring ahead intently at the road and even though he took my hand and kissed the back of it, I didn’t think he was fine.  I didn’t press him and I just looked ahead at the road, expecting him to say something.  He didn’t though.  He just continued to hold my hand and concentrate on the road and I felt a pit grow in my stomach.  His silence was making me nervous.

“What’s wrong, Brandon?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m okay,” he said, tearing his eyes from the road briefly to give me a smile that I knew was forced.

“No, you’re not,” I said.

“This isn’t about me, Mandy.”

“It is.  It so is.  Please talk to me,” I begged just as our apartment came into view.  Brandon didn’t say anything as he pulled into the spot in front of our door.  He just turned off the truck and we both got out.

I followed him inside and when I closed the door, we just stood across the room facing each other and I didn’t like the distance between us.

“It’s finally getting to you, isn’t it?” I asked softly as our eyes stared into each other’s.  “Seeing it…seeing the baby…it’s too much, isn’t it?  I get it.  It didn’t seem real to me either until today.  The whole thing sounded like a good plan…you and me…this little place of ours, but when reality hit…you realized what a pathetic mess you’d gotten yourself in by sticking by me.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling and I wiped them away quickly with the back of my hand as he just continued to stare at me, his mouth open as if he wanted to say something. “You don’t have to be the stand up guy anymore, Brandon.  I never expected you to be.  You’ve paid your dues.  No one would fault you for leaving.”

He didn’t move and I could feel the tension between us.  I closed my eyes, wishing he would say something.  Anything.  It remained quiet though, but when I opened my eyes, he was crossing the room, moving quickly and determined until he was only inches away from me, cupping my face with his hands, resting his forehead against mine.  He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath before opening them again.

“This isn’t about paying dues,” he finally said. “This is it.  This is for real.  You and me.  This is forever.” His lips pushed against mine so hard I almost couldn’t breathe. “And you’re right,” he said when he pulled away, cupping my cheeks again and staring at me with those blue eyes of his. “Today changed everything, just like I know it did for you.  I saw the way you looked at the baby, Mandy, and it killed me to know that baby isn’t mine.  I hate knowing he has a part of you that I don’t, but I hate it even more because I know you want to keep the baby and he just abandoned you.  I know you want to be a mother and if that was my baby, you wouldn’t have to be going through this because you wouldn’t have to make a decision on what to do.  You’d just know.  But it’s not my baby, but…” he said and he paused, taking in another deep breath. “But, I would love that baby.  I would be its father if it meant you could be happy.”

“What are you saying, Brandon?”

“I’m saying I will love that baby and I will take care of you and the baby, if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t know what to say,” I said in a soft voice as my throat tightened. 

“You don’t have to say anything.  I just want you to know that I’m in…I’m in all the way if you want to raise the baby.  We might not be able to give it everything, but we can give ourselves and that’s all a baby really needs right?  And eventually the other stuff will fall into place.  We can do this.”

He was holding my hands and I knew by the way he stared into my eyes he meant every word he said and just hearing him say those words, knowing he would support me if I chose to keep the baby meant more to me than he could understand. 

I just stared into his eyes, thinking about what I could say to him…what I should say to him.  A tear fell down my face and he stepped closer, wiping it away.

“Say something, Mandy.”  His voice was low and nervous and I looked away for a moment as I tried to gather my thoughts.  I finally brought my eyes back to his and I tried smiling a little to show him how much I loved him.

“You…you have no idea,” I began softly. “You have no idea what this means to me…to know you’d be willing to raise the baby as your own…to give me that chance.”  I closed my eyes as more tears spilled down my cheeks while my mind drifted back to the doctor’s office and the precious image on the screen, the strong heartbeat filling my thoughts and my heart began to break because I knew what I had to do, no matter how badly I didn’t want to do it.  “You’re right, Brandon,” I continued when I’d opened my eyes, trying to gather the strength to say what I needed to say. “I want to be a mother.  I want to raise a child…someday.” His hand left my cheek and fell to his side as he looked at me, squinting in confusion for a moment.

“Someday?” he asked quietly.

“Yes.  Someday.”  It grew quiet for a few moments and I knew he was trying to process what I’d just said. “You’re more than I deserve, Brandon…and with everything we’ve been through…everything I’ve dealt with and everything you’ve dealt with…we need some time to heal ourselves and I want my baby to have everything he or she needs.  I know we could do it, but I know it’s…it’s just not the right time…not now,” I continued and then I paused, taking in a deep breath as I wiped my eyes. “Someday.”

I watched as his mouth curled up into a gentle smile and he nodded.

“Someday.” He leaned in, kissing me softly and then pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me and he whispered quietly into my ear as he held me. “I just want you to be happy, Mandy.  I want you to be happy now and I want you to be happy forever.  I just had to let you know…so you could really consider all your options.”  He stopped talking for a second and he seemed to hold me even tighter. “You’re amazing, Mandy.  I love you.”

I closed my eyes, trying to quell the aching in my heart and focus on him.  He was here.  He was real and he loved me.

Thirty

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the thundering pounding on the door echoed throughout the apartment a few days later. Brandon was in Wichita at an appointment and I was alone, sitting in the living room, watching some TV after a long shift.  I’d only been home an hour and I expected Brandon home soon.  I got up from my spot on the couch and walked uneasily to the front door, opening it and almost stumbling backward when I saw Derek standing there.  I hadn’t seen him since that day at the diner.

“Is Brandon here?” he spat out, peeking around me, searching the apartment. “I didn’t see that fancy ass truck he’s been drivin’ around out front.”

“What do you want, Derek?”  I asked, ignoring his first question.

“Why have you been ignoring me?  Why haven’t you answered my calls or texts?” he demanded the moment I opened the door. 

“Why are you here, Derek?” I said, surprised by the courage in my voice.  Derek intimidated me.  He always had, but now it was even worse because he looked furious. 

“You know damn well why I’m here.  Now tell me.  Why haven’t you answered me?” he demanded again, brushing past me and entering the apartment without an invitation.

“Get out of my house,” I said, but he just ignored me and walked further inside.

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell’s goin’ on.”

“I don’t have to talk to you about anything.  You made that perfectly clear already.”

“Don’t gimme this bullshit.  Have you taken care of it or not?” His voice was harsh and I could see a vein throbbing in his neck as he clinched his teeth.

“I have nothing to say to you.  Now get outta here!” I said, raising my voice and pointing to the door.

“I have a right to know, Mandy!” he continued and I didn’t know what to say.  Maybe he was right.  Maybe he did deserve to know what I’d decided, but I didn’t want to share anything with him.  Now that I was having the baby, I didn’t think of Derek being the father anymore.  He’d given that right up the day he told me to get an abortion.

“I’m not getting an abortion.  I’m having the baby and I’m giving it up for adoption,” I said bluntly, staring him hard in the eyes.  He didn’t move.  He just stared back at me and then I saw his eyebrows crease and he looked angry.

“Like hell you are,” he growled and the sound of his voice made me nervous.

“It’s my choice and this is what I’m doing.”

“That’s half my kid,” he said, pointing defiantly at my stomach. “And you ain’t keepin’ it.”

“That’s not what you said when I told you I was pregnant.  You said it wasn’t yours.  You gave up any say in what happens to this baby when you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“This shit ain’t happenin’.”

“You don’t have to do anything,” I glared harshly at him. “All you have to do is sign over your rights and we’ll never have to see each other again.”  He just started chuckling.  It was maniacal and the look in his eyes started to frighten me.

“I ain’t havin’ no baby.  I ain’t bein’ no father,” he said, stepping closer to me and my heart started to pound as I looked around, realizing how alone I was and suddenly the apartment seemed much smaller than it actually was.

“You don’t have to be.  I’m giving this baby to someone better than us.  You won’t have to ever see it or do anything for it,” I said, my voice shaking as I tried to back away from him, but for some reason, I couldn’t move.

“Bullshit!  You’ll change your mind at the last minute because that’s exactly the kind of bitch you are and I’ll be stuck givin’ half my paycheck to some fuckin’ kid.  Now,” he said in a deep, threatening voice that scared me even more. “I told you to take care of it.” He stepped even closer to me and I stepped back, stumbling on the coffee table until I braced myself.

“Get outta here!” I said with as much force as I could muster. “I’m not asking for anything from you except to sign over your rights.  Just leave me alone, Derek.  Leave
us
alone!”

“Not until you give me your word that you’re taking care of it.” He grabbed my arm, jerking me towards him.

“Let go of me!” I grunted, trying to yank my arm away from him, but his grip grew even tighter and when I realized I couldn’t free myself, I felt myself starting to panic.

“Don’t make this difficult, Mandy,” he said, his fingers digging in even deeper. “We can go right now.  We can get this done and then we don’t ever have to see each other again, which is something we can both agree on is a damn good thing.”

“I am not going anywhere with you,” I said sternly. “Now, let me go!”

“Shit, Mandy, stop being such a damn bitch!” he shouted and I couldn’t stop the tears from burning my eyes as I saw his hand rise in the air.  I closed my eyes, waiting for it to make contact.  And then I heard scuffling and I felt the grip on my arm loosen.  My eyes sprang open just as I saw Brandon grabbing Derek by the scruff of his shirt and slamming his fist so hard against Derek’s mouth that it caused him to go stumbling across the room, tripping over the coffee table, eventually landing face first onto the couch.  I continued to watch, unable to move as Brandon crossed the room, hovering over Derek, his fists balled tightly, ready to hit him again.

“Get the fuck up!” Brandon shouted and Derek quickly collected himself, standing up and rubbing his jaw.  Derek’s fist rose as if he was going to hit Brandon, but Brandon beat him to it, this time slamming his fist into Derek’s gut.  He groaned and hunched over, clutching his abdomen. “Now don’t think you’re gonna try and hit me again because we both know how it’s gonna end.” Brandon’s breathing was labored and I knew it was taking all his willpower not to completely pound Derek to within an inch of his life.  Brandon had changed since joining the army and since he’d gone to war.  He’d seen stuff Derek and I could never imagine and because of that, he was a different person, a person capable of things we probably didn’t even realize.  I knew this and Derek knew this too and I knew when he stood up this time, he wasn’t going to try to hit Brandon again.

“What the fuck are you doing here and why the hell did you have your hands on Mandy?” Brandon demanded. 

“You know why I’m here,” he answered. “Mandy and I have some unfinished business.  Your little girlfriend here hasn’t exactly been honest with me.”

“I don’t care what business you have.  You don’t come into our house…ever,” Brandon said, and I could tell he was trying to retain what little control he had, but I knew he was on the verge of taking Derek by the neck and beating him to a pulp. “Especially when I’m not here.  And you don’t for damn sure
ever
put your fuckin’ hands on her! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry about that, man,” Derek said, holding his hands up momentarily in apology. “But she hasn’t told me anything since we agreed she’d take care of it.”

“We
never
agreed to anything.  You told me what you wanted me to do.  I
never
agreed to anything!” I broke in quickly, but then I felt Brandon reach back and rest his hand on my arm and I stopped talking.

“It doesn’t matter what the hell you thought you two agreed on.  You still don’t come over here.  Not after the way you treated her.”

I knew Derek’s moment of rationality was gone when I saw his eyes form into a harsh glare, squinting hard over to Brandon.

“None of this has anything to do with you, Brandon.  This is my kid we’re talkin’ about.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Brandon interrupted. “This isn’t your child.  This is Mandy’s child and you’re not going to do anything but what she tells you to do, including signing over your parental rights.”  Brandon stepped towards Derek and grabbed his shirt collar again.  “Do you understand, Derek?  You wanted this taken care of.  It’s taken care of.  Just leave us alone.” Derek’s eyes darted between us quickly when Brandon let go of his shirt.  I thought he would say something, but he just stood there. “It’s done.  This isn’t your problem anymore.  Now get the hell outta here and I don’t wanna see your face until Mandy needs your damn signature!” Brandon’s voice rose to a warning level and it didn’t take Derek more than a second to move from the spot he’d seemed cemented to only a moment before.  He glared between the two of us once more as he stormed out of the apartment, brushing by us, the scent of cigarettes tagging along behind him and a second later, Brandon and I were alone.

The silence echoed throughout the apartment for a moment before he turned to me.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I said softly.

“Did he hurt you?” he asked and I could see the fear in his eyes.

“No,” I answered.

“Are you sure?”

“He just grabbed my arm,” I said and we both glanced down to the marks Derek left and I knew he would’ve hit me if Brandon hadn’t shown up.  I didn’t want to think how far Derek might’ve taken it had Brandon not come home when he did.  Derek wanted the baby gone and I feared he would’ve done anything to make that happen.

“It took everything in me not to rip his head off when I walked in and saw his hands on you and his fist in the air,” he said, his voice low and angry as he ran his fingers gingerly over the bruises. 

“I’m glad you came home when you did.  Thank you,” I said and then paused, drawing his eyes back to mine. “And thank you for…for what you said.  For what you told him…about the baby.”

“He’s never gonna lay another hand on you, Mandy, I promise you that.  And he’ll do exactly what you ask him to do.  I’ll make sure of it.”  I couldn’t help myself as I fell into his arms, wrapping my arms around him and resting my head against his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beat as he held me back.  This man…this man I’d known since he was boy…he loved me.  He truly loved me and even though I didn’t see how it could be possible for him to love me more than I loved him, something told me he did.