Finding Home (29 page)

Thirty-Five

It was a blur after that.  Even though I was exhausted, I barely slept.  I didn’t want to miss out on any time with Aaron.  I just held him all night and then into the next day.  Michael and Kim gave me space.  They went back to their hotel and let me have my time with Aaron without hovering.  I knew they wanted him, but I wasn’t quite ready to let him go just yet. 

Riley and Holly came down from K-State to see Aaron and Jesse came too.  They all held him and we took pictures.  The support they all gave me was the only reason I wasn’t falling apart and spending my time with Aaron as nothing but an emotional mess.  I knew once Aaron was gone I’d fall apart, but I’d deal with that then.  I had to remain somewhat sane for now. 

The adoption was scheduled for December eighth, two days after Aaron’s birth and when that morning came, I’d never been more terrified of anything in my life.  Lydia had already arranged all the legal aspects and Derek had shown up and signed the papers.  I was grateful I didn’t have to see him, but part of me was crushed that he didn’t even want to see his son.  It didn’t surprise me though and I was glad Aaron would grow up with Michael as his role model and not someone like Derek. 

Derek had signed the papers and then Lydia walked tentatively into my room where Brandon and I sat, me holding Aaron closely, dressed in a little outfit Michael and Kim had given us.  He looked adorable, swimming in the light blue onesie and matching hat. 

“Mandy?” Lydia asked carefully. “Are you ready to do this?”  I knew I couldn’t answer so I nodded.  Brandon reached over, gingerly taking Aaron in his arms and my eyes drifted to watch them.  He was staring down at Aaron with such tenderness and I knew someday Brandon would make an amazing father.

Lydia placed the papers in front of me.  We’d already gone over everything a month before.  I didn’t want anyone going over any fine print with me in the hospital.  It was going to be hard enough to sign the papers without having to learn what I signing.  I knew what the papers said and my heart pounded as I stared down at them.  I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, willing the tears to stay back.  Aaron let out a little whimper just then and Brandon held him close, rocking gently to calm him.  The sound of his little voice crushed me and I wasn’t sure I would be able to go through with it, but then I felt Brandon’s hand on mine and my eyes drifted up to his.

“I love you, Mandy.” There were tears in his eyes too, but knowing he’d still be there when all this was over, even though Aaron wouldn’t be, gave me the strength to finally lift the pen that Lydia had set beside the papers.

It felt as if it weighed about a thousand pounds as it hovered above the line I needed to sign.  My head was spinning and my heart was in my throat, but then the pen began to move and I robotically signed where Lydia told me to and then it was done.  Aaron was no longer mine.  He belonged to Michael and Kim Drake now. 

I set the pen down and then reached for Aaron, taking him in my arms and sobbing as I pressed him to my chest.

~~~

I just held him for an hour, staring at him, trying to remember every little detail about his face.  His nose was like a little button and his cheeks were so chubby.  I knew he got that from me and my round face.  I’d never felt anything softer than his skin and I hoped I’d always remember the way he smelled.  He was amazing and somehow I was going to have to find the strength to let him go.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Brandon asked me.

“Probably not,” I said honestly. “Maybe someday, but it’s gonna take a while.”

“You’ll see him again.  I know you will.”

I just nodded and kept staring down at Aaron until I finally looked up.

“Can you tell Lydia I’m ready?” I whispered, trying my best not to cry yet.

“Are you sure?”

“If I don’t do it now, I’m not sure I’ll be able to.” I prayed he wouldn’t say I could change my mind.  I didn’t need to hear that because I wasn’t going to change my mind.  This was the best thing for Aaron and he deserved Michael and Kim.

“Okay,” he said softly, leaning over and kissing me again before turning and walking out of the room.

It was so quiet when he left.  Aaron squirmed and made an adorable little coo as he gripped onto my finger and I began to speak as a tear streamed down my face.

“I love you, Aaron,” I whispered to him. “I love you so, so much.  I’m doing this because I love you…because I want you to be happy.  I’ll miss you, but I’ll see you again.  I love you.”

I leaned down, pressing my lips to his forehead just as I heard the door open.  Brandon walked in, followed by Lydia and then Michael and Kim.  It was quiet and the tension was awkward.  I wanted someone to say something and I decided that person should be me. 

“Are you ready?” I asked softly, meeting Kim’s eyes.

She smiled timidly and she wiped her eyes and then nodded, slowly approaching me.  Michael was beside her and they looked down at Aaron.  My heart was pounding so hard I thought it might break.  I clutched Aaron to me again, kissing him and smelling him and remembering him.

“I love you,” I whispered into his ear and then I took a deep breath and lifted Aaron towards Kim’s waiting arms.  She gently scooped him up, looking down at him and then over to me.

“Thank you, Mandy,” she whispered in a shaky voice. “We’ll love him forever.”

I couldn’t say anything.  My throat had tightened and my eyes were blurry.  I just nodded and tried to hold it together as we finished the transfer.  Kim pulled Aaron to her and my arms fell to my side like two lead bricks.  Even though my arms were empty, they had never felt heavier.

“Thank you, Mandy,” Michael said, leaning in for a hug that I couldn’t even feel because I was so numb and then I watched as they turned to walk away.

“Wait!” I called out and they turned with terrified looks on their faces, afraid I’d changed my mind.  I reached quickly for my bag, holding the little yellow teddy bear I’d bought that day in Wichita, wanting him to have it…to always have a little piece of me. “Can you give this to Aaron?”

“Of course,” Michael said, walking over to me and taking the bear, hugging me again. “He’ll know it’s from you.”

And then they were gone, the door closing behind them and I started to sob, my body shaking as Brandon held me as my heart shattered in my chest. 

Thirty-Six

I thought about Aaron every day.  I’d received a few pictures of him via email from Kim and Michael.  We’d agreed to a semi-open adoption.  That was what I’d wanted.  I didn’t think it was fair to have a completely open adoption.  I didn’t want to confuse Aaron.  I didn’t want him to have to understand something like that at such an early age.  I was his mother, but Michael and Kim were his parents.  I wanted them to have an experience like any other parents.  I wanted them to view him as their child and not have to worry about sharing him with me.  If he saw me, it would only confuse him and I didn’t want that.  Maybe someday when he got older and he wanted to meet me, we could work something out, but that would be up to him.  It would be his choice.  Right now, I just wanted him to have the most normal life possible and from the pictures I’d seen, it looked as if I was getting my wish.  Although it still hurt and I relived the moment I passed him to Kim every day, I didn’t regret my decision.  He was where he needed to be and he was happy and that’s all I wanted for him. 

Somehow life had returned to normal…or as normal as it could be.  I was back to work and Brandon kept up with his appointments in Wichita and he was excited about the next semester of college.  His life had been such a question for so long, but it wasn’t anymore and he wasn’t wasting any time.  He was going to be okay.  He’d even found a job working for a contractor and I knew it made him feel good because it proved to him and everyone else that just because he had a handicap, he wasn’t handicapped.  He did what all the other guys did.  He worked just as hard as they did and probably even harder.  It helped him realize that just because his life had taken a turn he’d never expected, he could still live the life he’d always wanted.

I loved living with Brandon too.  It was a great feeling knowing I was coming home to him each night and whenever I’d pull up to our apartment and see his truck outside, I’d get a flutter in my stomach and couldn’t get inside to him fast enough and tonight was no different.

Christmas was only a few days away.  We’d gotten a little tree, which was twinkling in the front window when I pulled up, but then I saw he’d strung lights around our door. They hadn’t been there when I left and seeing them now made me smile. 

It was nearly seven o’clock and I’d just finished at the diner.  Brandon had been working all day too and all I’d been able to think about during my shift was getting home to him.

He was sitting on the couch watching TV when I walked in, but he reached for the remote, flicking it off when he saw me.  He smiled and got up, meeting me at the door.

“How was your day?” he asked, taking the grocery bags from my hands and walking into the kitchen.  I’d stopped by Dillon’s to get some milk and bread and a few other things that couldn’t wait till our big weekly shopping trip. 

“It was okay,” I said, following him into the kitchen where he was already putting things away. “I’m glad to be home though.”

“I’m glad you’re home too.”

“The lights are cute,” I said and he smiled.

“I thought you might like them.  I just wanted to cheer this place up a little,” he said and I knew he was referring to me.  While I didn’t regret my decision, it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt and that I wasn’t sad and that I didn’t cry.  I felt and did all of those things, but he was always there.

“Thank you,” I said, walking over and hugging him, snuggling into his chest as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I was thinking we could go for a drive.  Maybe stop for some hot chocolate?”

“That’s sounds nice,” I said. “Just let me get changed.”

He nodded and I went to our bedroom, forgoing my usual after work shower and changing out of my greasy work clothes and into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, pulling on my heavy coat and trading in my sneakers for a pair of boots.  When I was done, I walked back to the kitchen where he was waiting, keys in hand.

“Ready?” he asked and I nodded, taking his hand and following him outside. 

We didn’t have to go far for our hot chocolate and we sipped it quietly as we drove.  He didn’t turn towards our apartment on the way home though.  Instead he went the opposite direction and soon, Slate Creek came into view, silvery ripples lapping against the shore.

“Slate Creek?” I asked, taking the last sip of my cocoa when he stopped the truck.

“Yeah.  I hope you don’t mind.”

“Are you hoping to get lucky?” I asked with a laugh and a smug smile spread on his face.

“That was not my attention, but if you’re offering, I’m more than happy to oblige.  It is awfully cold out here and that would be an excellent way to stay warm.”

I just laughed and he opened the door and I did the same, stepping out into the cold winter air.  He waited for me at the front of the truck, taking my hand as we walked to the edge of the water.  We stood there silently for a few moments, staring out into the darkness and I wasn’t surprised to notice we were alone.  Slate Creek was a summer hang out.  It couldn’t have been more than thirty-five degrees, but next to Brandon, I didn’t seem to notice the cold. 

“Are you doing okay?” he asked me suddenly in a hushed voice.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him and he turned my body to face his.

“I know we don’t talk a lot about Aaron,” he began hesitantly. “But…I do hear you cry and I worry about you, Mandy.  I just want you to know I’m here if you need anything.”

“I know you are.  You don’t need to tell me that.”

“I’m just so worried about.”

“You don’t need to worry,” I said, moving closer to him, linking my arms around his waist and craning my neck up so I could see him.  “I think about him every day.  I hurt every day, but I’ll be okay.  I promise.”

“Are you going to see a counselor or anything like Lydia suggested?” he asked and I nodded.  It’d been on my mind a lot.  It’d only been a few weeks since the adoption and I wanted to give myself a chance to see how I’d cope on my own, but I thought seeing a therapist wasn’t a bad idea to help make sure I was okay.

“Probably.  I’ll look into after the first of the year,” I said and then I laughed a little.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I remember when you said therapists didn’t know shit.”

“I’ve obviously changed my mind,” he grinned and I knew he had. 

His therapy had helped him so much.  He barely had his night terrors anymore and I was grateful for why ever that was.  Whether it was because of the therapists or me, I didn’t care.  All I cared about was that he was truly on the road to being okay and he seemed to get better every day.  He’d been my strength through it all and he was the strongest person I knew.

“I just want you to be okay,” he said softly.

“I will be,” I told him, stretching up on my tiptoes and he tilted his chin down so I could reach his lips easier.  They were soft and warm and they pressed against mine chastely for a few moments until I started moving my lips more deeply.  It didn’t take long for him to reciprocate and soon he was kissing me slow and deep, his kiss spreading throughout my body until I was left tingly and wanting more.

“Wait right here,” Brandon said breathlessly, pulling away, leaving me on the banks of the creek while he walked back to the truck.  A few moments later, he was walking back to me, the melodic sounds of a piano following him, his gloved hand outstretched when he got back to me. 

“Dance with me,” he said.  I felt a smile stretching across my face as I thought back to a night similar to this one…the night he’d first asked me to dance with him.  I’d been shy and nervous then.  Back then he’d simply been Brandon Seaver, lifelong friend, but now he was Brandon Seaver, the keeper of my heart, and I didn’t hesitate to take his hand this time.

Sliding his other hand around my waist, he pulled me to him as we began to sway under the half-moon overhead, his blue eyes locking on mine as we danced and then he started singing, so soft and sweetly, never tearing his eyes from mine.  There was something different about his voice this time…something more tender, probably because of everything we’d been though together.

“
I think I want you more than want, I know I need you more than need
,” he sang as we continued to sway to the sounds of the piano and violins. “
I wanna hold you more than hold, when you stood in front of me.  I think you know me more than know and you see me more than see. I could die now more than die every time you look at me. I’ve seen you in jeans with no makeup on and I’ve stood there in awe as your date for the prom. I’m blessed as a man to have seen you in white, but I’ve never seen anything quite like you tonight
,” he continued until his voice trailed off and the swaying ended.  His hand left my waist when we stopped and then he scooped up my hands with both of his, pressing them to his chest as he looked down at me.

“I love you, Mandy,” he said, his eyes piercing into mine. “When I came home to Carver, I didn’t know what to expect and I was scared.” His voice was quiet, almost as if he was afraid to admit his fear. “I didn’t know what I’d find here.  I didn’t know what was left here for me, but when I came home…I found you and I never expected to fall in love with you, but I’m so glad I found you and I’m so glad I fell in love with you.  I’m so glad you were still here because I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

There were tears glistening in his eyes now as the words spilled from his heart and I knew I couldn’t speak.  Instead, I kissed him again, hoping that was all he needed to hear from me.  There were no words I could speak to Brandon to tell him what he’d become to me, how I’d needed him more than he needed me, and how I wouldn’t have made it through this without him.  But then I focused on the familiar song still playing in the background and even though I couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, I pulled my lips from his and looked up at him, opening my mouth to sing the lyrics I wish I had written for him.

“
And your eyes are in your eyes, and my heart’s in our hearts.   Sometimes words just ain’t enough for this love that’s more than love,
” I sang quietly and the tenderest smile spread on his lips, obviously appreciating my attempt.

“You are absolutely adorable,” he said, kissing me again.

“Not all of us are blessed with your gift of song,” I grinned, but he just laughed, pulling me to him fiercely, pushing his lips against mine until we tumbled to the ground in each other’s arms, onto the cold Kansas grass, the chill of the winter air surrounding us, but I didn’t feel it with him by my side. 

He stopped for a moment, hovering above me and smiling, a peace and contentment in his eyes that had never been there before and I knew he saw the same feelings emanating from me.  When he came home, we’d both been lost, wondering where our lives would lead, but that all changed when we’d found each other and looking up at him now, I knew without a doubt, with Brandon, I’d found home.