Finding Home (28 page)

Thirty-Three

The next six months were the longest and shortest of my life.  The first appointment with the adoption counselor had been easier than I expected.  Brandon sat on one side of me and my parents sat on the other side while we discussed the different kinds of adoptions.  Open adoptions.  Closed adoptions.  Semi-open adoptions.  It was all a blur to me.  We even started looking through different portfolios.  I couldn’t help but cry as I read each couple’s plea for a child.  I felt almost guilty that I had this life inside of me that they would give anything for and I was just giving it away.  I wanted so badly to help them all because they all seemed so deserving.  It was a hard decision and I was allowed to take the portfolios home so I could think about it more. 

I spent the next few days going through the different profiles over and over again until I finally settled on one.  Michael and Kim jumped out at me right away.  They were in their early thirties.  Michael was a lawyer and Kim was a second grade teacher.  They lived in San Diego and they loved surfing and hiking.  They had a pet bulldog and their letter to me, or I should say their letter to perspective birth mothers, felt as if it had been written specifically for me.  I felt a connection to them and after getting to know them through pictures and letters from their friends and family, I knew if I was going to go through with the adoption, they were the ones to raise my baby.

Meeting them was one of the scariest days in my life.  I knew once I met them, this was real.  I was telling a couple who wanted a baby more than anything that they could have mine and once I did that, I was all in. 

I asked my parents not to come the day Michael and Kim came to meet me.  I wanted Brandon there though.  I needed him there and I held his hand tightly while we waited for Michael and Kim. 

When they walked into the room, I didn’t know what to say. Michael was tall and broad shouldered, like an ex-football player.  He had dark hair and wore glasses, but he looked kind.  Kim was small and petite with curly red hair and eyes so green, they seemed to jump off her face when she smiled.  I stood up to greet them and then I froze.  Kim smiled timidly at me, but then she stepped towards me, opening her arms.  I smiled back and I felt Brandon’s hand on my lower back as I hugged Kim.  I closed my eyes, picturing her comforting my child with these arms and I knew just from her embrace that she would be an amazing mother. 

After the initial awkwardness, we’d sat around just talking.  There was something about them that made me comfortable.  They were outgoing without being obnoxious and I was impressed at how respectful they were to me.  This baby was still my baby and they didn’t act otherwise.  When I asked them to accompany me to my sonogram appointment later in the afternoon, they both accepted anxiously.  I’d intentionally scheduled the ultrasound for the day I’d meet Michael and Kim.  If I got a good feeling about them, I wanted them to share in the experience since they’d come all the way from California. 

During the exam, Michael and Kim kept a respectful distance and when the technician asked if we wanted to know the sex, I nodded.

“You’re having a boy,” she said and I felt the grin spread across my face.  A little boy.  I couldn’t stop staring at the image on the screen and my heart was breaking as I focused on his little profile.  I loved him.  I loved the little boy inside of me.  I’d always love him.  I’d given him life, but I knew he wasn’t mine.  Someone else was supposed to raise him.  Someone else was supposed to be hold him when he had a nightmare.  Someone else was supposed to wipe his eyes when he was hurting and I knew deep in my heart, those people were standing just a few feet from me.  I sat up and turned to Michael and Kim, mustering the courage to say the hardest thing I’d ever said.

“That’s your little boy.” I tried to choke back the tears and Kim’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she could speak.

“Mandy…you don’t have to decide right now,” she stammered.

“I know I don’t, but I want to.  I want you and Michael to be this little boy’s parents.  It’s supposed to be you.”

Tears immediately fell down her cheeks and she turned to Michael who was smiling widely and then Kim came over to me, hugging me tightly and I’ll never forget the joy in her voice when she spoke to me.

“Thank you.  Thank you so much for trusting us.  Thank you.”

I didn’t regret my decision.  I actually felt more at ease when I knew I’d found the right home for my son.  The unknown was what had scared me, but once the biggest piece of that puzzle had been put into place, I wasn’t as scared anymore. 

I stayed in touch with Michael and Kim throughout the rest of the pregnancy, sending them texts and exchanging phone calls to update them on the baby and I could hardly believe how fast time had flown when the calendar changed to December first.  My due date was only a few days away and Michael and Kim had traveled from San Diego to await the baby’s arrival.  They didn’t have to wait long because a few days after they arrived, on December fifth, I was woken up in the middle of the night by a gushing warmth and I think I started to panic a little when I realized my water had broken and this little boy was entering the world whether I was ready for him or not.

“Brandon,” I whispered and when he didn’t move, I reached over, shaking him harder. “Brandon!”

He jerked awake and I watched him as he looked around, obviously confused and flustered, in that state between sleep and awake, and I knew he was trying to find his bearings. 

“What? What’s wrong?” he asked quickly.

“I think the baby’s coming,” I said and with that, he sprung into action and even as I breathed through a contraction, I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorably panicked he looked.  I wasn’t in terrible pain yet.  In fact, the pain didn’t hold a candle to what I’d felt when passing my kidney stone.  I got out of bed, changing out of my pajamas and into a pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, pulling on my heavy winter coat.  It was below freezing outside and I hoped Brandon wouldn’t have to stop and scrape ice from the windshield.

Brandon hurriedly got his prosthesis on and threw his clothes on before grabbing the bag I’d had packed for weeks now.  I stood by the door, waiting for him and when he walked out of the bedroom and headed towards me, it suddenly hit me.  This was it.  It was really happening.  From the moment Dr. Mather told me I was pregnant, it’d been a dream.  A crazy dream and an emotional rollercoaster and it felt like it would never be over, but it was about to end.  The baby who’d grown inside me for the past nine months was coming and I’d finally get to see what he looked like.  I’d finally get to hold him.  I’d finally get to meet him…and then I’d have to let him go.

I closed my eyes, trying to get myself together.  I still had hours ahead of me and no matter how prepared I was, I had no idea how painful those hours would be.  I tried not to, but I started to cry, silent, scared tears as it all hit me.  Everything I’d struggled with since I found out I was pregnant was coming to a head and I didn’t know if I had the strength to deal with it.

“Mandy, baby.” I felt Brandon’s arms around me and he held me close as I tried composing myself. 

“I’m scared, Brandon,” I whispered.

“I know you are.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

He was quiet for a moment, but then he pulled back, holding my shoulders and looking me in the eyes with more conviction than I’d ever seen.

“Yes, you can.  I know you can because you’ve already proven you can do anything.”

I exhaled deeply and when I blinked, more tears fell, but when my eyes opened again, I saw his smile and I saw how much he believed in me…how much he had believed in me through all of this, and I suddenly felt stronger and I thought maybe I could do it.

Thirty-Four

Labor was hard.  It lasted almost ten hours and Brandon never left my side.  My family waited in the waiting room along with Michael and Kim.  I knew everyone was nervous, but finally, just before eleven o’clock in the morning, my son was born.  When he cried, I closed my eyes, taking it in.  It was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard and I was so grateful he was alright. 

They rested him on my chest and I almost couldn’t breathe when I saw him.  He was incredible…so tiny, yet so strong.  He was nearly bald aside from some wispy strands of blond hair and when he looked up at me, his eyes were the deepest blue I’d ever seen, almost like sapphires.  I knew they probably wouldn’t stay that way.  Derek and I both had brown eyes, but for now, I just wanted to look into them, trying to memorize what they looked like and my heart broke as the full weight of my decision hit me.  I only had a limited time with him because soon he’d belong to Michael and Kim.

It seemed like forever before everything settled down.  After the baby was checked and cleaned up, I was finally left alone with my son and Brandon. 

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked me quietly and I looked up at him and smiled.

“No.  I want you to stay.” He looked relieved and then we both looked down at my baby.  He really was the most remarkable thing I’d ever seen.  Now that he was here, none of the drama from before seemed to matter.  I only thought about Derek for a split second and I was surprised at how positive that thought was.  I’d hated Derek.  I’d hated how cruel he’d been to me.  I’d hated how he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but I didn’t care about any of that anymore because for whatever reason, Derek and I had been brought together and I was grateful for that because if we hadn’t, this little boy wouldn’t exist and as I stared down at him, I knew he was supposed to be here.

“How’re you doing?” Brandon asked, situating himself next to me on the bed so he could look down at the baby too.

“I’m so tired,” I said honestly.

“You should get some rest.”

“No, I can’t.  I only have a little while with him,” I said, a lump tightening so hard in my throat, I couldn’t swallow. 

“Mandy,” Brandon’s soft voice cut in and I felt his hand rest on my arm, forcing me to break my gaze from the baby and look up at him.  He looked nervous and I was afraid of what he was going to say because I didn’t want to hear what I knew was about to leave his mouth. “You can change your mind.  You can still keep him.  He’s still yours.”

“I know I can,” I said quietly, looking back down at my son.

“Michael and Kim will understand.”

My eyes were burning now and I could barely see my baby in my arms due to the tears brimming in them.  I knew he was still mine.  He’d always be mine and I loved him so much that it hurt.  I wanted him to have the best life possible.  I wanted him to have everything.  He deserved everything and I knew Michael and Kim could give him that.  I knew I could be a good mom, but I still had so much growing to do on my own and he shouldn’t have to suffer while I got my life together.  It would be so easy to change my mind in the heat of the moment.  But, I had to think of the big picture…of the future and what would be best for him.  The best gift I could give him was to let him go.

I blinked my eyes and the tears splashed down my cheeks.  I could see clearly again and I saw the baby had fallen asleep.  Brandon had a tissue a second later and was wiping the tears from my face.

“I can’t keep him, Brandon,” I managed to get out through the lump. “He deserves Michael and Kim.  He deserves everything they can give him.”

I was glad he didn’t try and talk me out of it.  He just kissed me on the forehead and wrapped his arms around me and for that moment, my son was mine.  We’d always have this moment where I was the one who protected him and kept him safe…where I was the one he needed most in the world…where he was my baby and I was his mom.  I knew he wouldn’t remember this moment, but I’d never forget it and I hoped when he got older he’d feel something and maybe, just maybe, he’d know it was my love for him. 

~~~

My parents and Shay were the next ones to visit.  My mom held the baby for a while, snuggling him close.  I knew she was having a hard time with my decision, but I also knew they understood it was the best thing for the baby and me.  We took some family pictures and after a little while, Lydia, the adoption counselor came in.  I could tell she was nervous and she was scrutinizing my face for any sign that I was going to change my mind.

“Do Michael and Kim wanna see him?” I asked, forcing my voice to be strong, even though I was melting inside.

“They’d love that,” Lydia said and then disappeared for a few moments. 

I held onto the baby and watched the door, my heart pounding in anticipation while I waited for my baby’s parents to walk in.  It finally opened and the room grew quiet.  The baby was still asleep and I knew Michael and Kim were apprehensive about walking in.  I tried to be empathetic of what they were feeling.  I couldn’t imagine being in their shoes, just as I knew they couldn’t imagine being in mine. 

“Hi,” Kim said timidly as she and Michael walked cautiously into my room behind Lydia. 

I opened my mouth to tell them to come in, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t get my voice to work.  I motioned them in instead and I tried to smile, although I didn’t think I was very successful and all I could manage was a trembling lip.

They seemed to walk even slower and I could feel the heavy gazes of my parents on them as they approached me with trepidation. 

They were beside me a moment later and I watched Kim’s face as she saw my son…her son for the first time.  Her hand flew over her mouth and I saw the water in her eyes.  When she blinked, the tears fell down her face and I saw Michael put his arm around her as they both looked down at him. 

“Would you all like a minute?” Lydia asked and I nodded.

My parents got up cautiously and they and my sister followed Lydia out.  Brandon got up to leave as well, but I grabbed his arm.  He couldn’t leave me right now.  Our eyes met and I knew he was concerned about me.  He gripped my hand tighter and came back to my side, reaching over and stroking the baby’s cheek for a second.

“How’re you feeling, Mandy?” Kim asked in a shaky voice.

“I’m okay,” I said, finally finding my voice and then I mustered all my courage to say the words I needed to say. “Would you like to hold him?” I asked and the way Kim looked at me, I knew her heart was breaking just as mine was.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“He’s your son,” I choked out and I watched as more tears fell down her face. 

I didn’t know if I could do it.  I didn’t know if I could hand him to her.  He was still mine.  We hadn’t signed anything yet, but passing him to her was the first step in letting him go.

I took a deep breath and somehow, my arms lifted, handing the baby to her.  She took him so gently and lovingly and then she pulled him close to her chest, wrapping her arms around him and I started to cry.  I didn’t cry for me this time.  I cried for her because she looked complete now.  She’d wanted to be a mother so desperately and finally she was.  I was able to give her that gift and I was happy for her, even though I felt like I was dying on the inside having to give him up.  

Brandon held my hand tightly and I tried not to cry as I watched Kim and Michael gaze down at my son as if he was theirs and I swallowed hard reminding myself that he was theirs.

“Have you thought of a name?” I asked quietly a little while later and they both turned to me with uneasy looks on their faces.  We hadn’t discussed names together because I figured if they’d be adopting the baby, they’d name him.

“We have,” Kim said nervously. “But, we’d like your approval.”

“You don’t need my approval,” I said as a tear fell slowly down my cheek and I reached up, wiping it away.

“Yes, we do,” Michael said and I just nodded, grateful they wanted me to be a part of naming him.

“What do you want to name him?” I asked.

“Aaron Michael,” Kim said softly, gazing down at the baby. “After Michael, obviously, and after my brother.  He died ten years ago.”

My eyes welled with tears again and I knew it was perfect.

“I love it,” I said softly and then Kim kissed Aaron before handing him back to me.