Finding Me (18 page)

“And what is my big, bad, almost-pro hockey player boyfriend going to do, beat him up? That’s bad press.” I chuckled and darted my eyes away. “I always wondered why he left and didn’t come back—that maybe there was something wrong with me. I was only six, but why wouldn’t my own father want to know me?” I didn’t realize until I heard the cracking in my own voice how much I wanted Marc to tell me it wasn’t my fault he left—because deep down I believed it was.

His expression turned serious as he turned his gaze back to mine. “You’re beautiful, brilliant, and amazing. If he doesn’t drop to his knees the second he sees you and beg your forgiveness for being an asshole for the past thirteen years, whatever he has to say isn’t worth your time.”

The adult in me heard everything Owen said loud and clear. But the kid in me, even though I was setting myself up for almost certain disappointment, still wanted to give it a try.

Bella

“SO DO I GET TO
meet Savannah hotness when you guys come in?”

“As long as you don’t call him that when you do.”

Barb laughed in my ear as I settled at a table in Bean Shooters to wait for Laura.

“Calm your tits. I’m actually thrilled it’s going so well for you guys. I know the whole Savannah-Queens tragic long distance romance thing had you worried.”

“Well, a scout is going to Owen’s next game. There’s a possibility of him playing professional after all, so the distance may grow a bit.”

“That’s awesome! I bet you can sit in a suite at his games, and take along your bestie from home!”

I huffed. “Don’t you get to sit in enough hockey suites interning for the Rangers?”

“Yeah but I have to work. Totally different experience when you’re just a guest eating and drinking for free. You’re okay with all of that?”

“With what? Owen is an awesome player. He really wants this, so I want it for him.”

“Can you say that without sounding like you’re reading it off a cue card?”

“I hate that you know me this well. It’s irritating.” I groaned but had to laugh. It was a little annoying, but with Barb, it was nice to never have to say anything. She could always tell what I was thinking before even I figured it out.

Barb burst out laughing. “Too bad I can’t read the Blackjack tables in AC like I can read you.”

“I trust him. And he’s not Christian, so—”

“No, he’s not. Now repeat after me. ‘I’m not worried because my ridiculously hot boyfriend is head over heels for me, and not at all like my two pump douche canoe ex’.”

I spit out a mouthful of latte. Barb sure had a way with words. “I’m not saying that, but thank you. Call you tomorrow?”

“Say it, Bella,” Barb whispered. I cursed my mother at times for my Twilight namesake.

“Love you, bye!” The second I ended the call, my phone started ringing again. Relentless was Barb’s middle name.

I answered without looking at the screen. “Still not saying it,” I sang into the phone.

“Hi, Bella.” I fell back onto my chair and froze. It’s amazing the memories you hold on to and don’t realize until something shoves them to the surface. A smell, a song or a sound can bring it all back in the blink of an eye. On the other end of the line was a voice I hadn’t heard since I was six years old, but recognized immediately.

“Hi, Marc.” Laughter filled my ears.

“Marc? We’re on a first name basis? Let me guess, you probably call Lucas ‘Dad,’ right? Figures,” he grumbled.

“Well, Lucas is the one who’s been around for the past thirteen years, so yes, I do.” If he wanted to be called ‘Dad’ he had to earn it. And a few emails and text messages didn’t count.

“Oh, Bella. You sound exactly like your mother. You even picked up her Bronx accent. There’s a lot you don’t know, little girl.”

“
Little girl
?” His accusing tone and attitude were already getting under my skin. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Marc huffed. “You always worshiped Lucas. You would run right past me and jump in his arms. Another thing you get from your mother. I bet you didn’t know they were together while we were still married.”

My mouth dropped open. That couldn’t be true. Mom would never do that. “Stop lying,” I gasped into the phone.

“Ask them. Ask them when our divorce was final and when your mother got together with Lucas. And how Lucas played house with the two of you when I was working in Chicago trying to save money to send home.”

My breath caught in my throat as his words sank in. I loved Lucas, but had no idea what to do with this information. He wasn’t the kind of guy to bust in and take over another man’s family. The spotty memories I did have of Marc were of him yelling at us and never seeming that he wanted to be home. I assumed he left because he didn’t want to be with us. With the little I knew about Marc, I shouldn’t have been listening to this at all, or taking his word over Mom and Lucas. But a little voice inside nudged me, and I wondered if this was part of the reason he’d been absent for most of my life.

Asking my mom if this was true would be admitting I spoke to Marc. I couldn’t do that, at least not yet.

“Bella?”

“Whatever happened between you and Mom, I was still your daughter. I’d be a lot more open to what you have to say if I’d ever gotten a birthday card from you or a phone call sometimes.”

Marc let out an audible sigh. “I’m not perfect, Bella. But I’m here now. That should count for something.”

Thinking my biological father was a deadbeat was a hell of a lot easier than thinking Mom and Lucas had an affair. My head spun as my heart dropped somewhere around my kidneys.

“I’ll be upstate next week, and really need to talk to you. There’s a diner where you go to school, free something.”

“Freemont Diner. A friend of mine works there.”

“Yes, that’s it! Good, so you know where it is. Can you meet me?”

I took a deep breath. “When?”

“Maybe next Friday. Listen, I know I haven’t been the best father. I just want you to hear me out. Can you do that? Give me at least that much?”

“Give
you that much? What have you given me my entire life? You think you can force your way back into my life just because you feel like it. Affair or no affair, Lucas was the one who was there for me, not you.” My heart raced as my shaking hand tried to keep its grip on my phone. Equal parts rage and hurt wreaked havoc on my insides. Why did I reply to Marc at all?

Marc let out a long sigh. “But Lucas isn’t your father. I am. And I need to talk to you. Will you see me?”

I already knew my answer. I couldn’t not meet him and hear what he had to say. Curiosity—or stupidity—got the best of me. Soon enough, I’d find out which one.

“My last class is at five on Friday. I can meet you afterward. My friend Kristy can give me a ride if she works that night.”

“All right. If you can’t get a ride, I’ll come pick you up.”

“It’s been awhile.” I uttered a sad chuckle. “You have no idea what I look like.”

“You’re my daughter, Bella. Trust me. I’d know you anywhere. Talk soon, okay?”

No. Nothing was okay. I was so far from okay, I didn’t think I’d be in the same zip code of okay anytime soon. Being ignored and kept in the dark may have been awful, but it was a shit ton better than whatever I was right now.

Owen

THE BEER GOING DOWN MY
throat was bitter and warm. Even though the taste activated my gag reflex, I didn’t care. I needed alcohol tonight. Hell, I would even have downed moonshine if we had it.

“Another one?” Andy’s dejected gaze met my own. For three years, we’ve waited for a scout to show up at one of our games. We gave him a show all right. A shut out. We got killed four to zip. Coach probably shouldn’t have said a word about someone watching us. We all played like Bambi on ice, unsteady and unfocused.

I held my hand out. “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

I’d never planned for an NHL career. Even though I loved playing, I always kept up with my grades since I never expected anything to come of it. I liked the business aspect of sports and even looked into public relations internships with a few teams for the summer. The crushing disappointment I felt right now was an unexpected emotion I hated for a number of reasons. I had let myself want it and get excited about the opportunity, only to feel like the world’s biggest failure when it slipped right out of my fingers.

My phone buzzed across the table and Bella’s name flashed on the screen. She was at an Honor Society event and couldn’t be at the game, which was just as well. Having the girl I love take a front seat at one of the lowest moments of my life would have been too much to handle. I’d have been double fisting beers in between shots.

“Hey, City.” I cringed at the pity worthy monotone voice that came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry, baby. I saw the score on Twitter. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. Let me finish up here and I’ll head straight over. Seth said he’d give me a ride.”

“You had a long day, too. And I’m pretty shitty company tonight. Andy and I are going to drown our regrets in beer for the next two hours and then pass out.”

“You sure? I can come straight there if you need me.”

I
did
need her. I always needed her. But I didn’t want to bring her down tonight, or have her see me like this.

“I’m sure, baby. I love you. We’ll talk tomorrow morning, okay?”

“I love you, too. Call me if you change your mind.”

I ended the call and downed the fresh beer Andy placed in front of me. From the second I met Bella, I wanted to be better at everything just to be worthy of her. I loved the adoring looks she gave me, even when I teased her. I couldn’t handle a look of pity from her tonight.

“We only have five beers left. Do you know where we put the shot glasses? I’m pretty sure we have tequila someplace.” Andy gazed around the kitchen.

“We don’t need glasses. Drink straight from the damn bottle. We have Triple Sec and Patron in the cabinet.” It was funny how we had that, but had to order out for food the past three days.

“Hey, guys!” Ethan burst through the door followed by Richie. Andy and I shook our heads and shot Ethan a nasty glare. I wanted to punch Richie’s face on a good day. He was the last person we needed in this apartment tonight.

“C’mon!” Richie sauntered over to the table and dropped his hand on my shoulder. “We can lick our wounds all night, or we can have a little fun. I even brought a few friends with me.”