Finding My Way (44 page)

“Yes and no-”

My phone interrupts
him and I jump up from the table to fetch it from my bag, mumbling a “sorry” as
I go.

I watch
Em
as she talks on her phone to someone named Ethan. 
I’m immediately jealous of whoever this guy is.  Her eyes light up when
she smiles at something he says and so I start to pay closer attention to the
conversation.

“Oh
no!
 
Really?”
  Her expression drops
and I find myself even more curious.  She looks in my direction. 
“You’re not going to believe this Ethan, but I have the solution sitting in
front of me.  Hang on a sec.”  She pulls her mobile away from her
face and walks in my direction.  “Hey my brother’s on the phone it’s his
21
^st
not this Saturday but the next.”
 
I breathe a sigh of relief that it is her
brother and then wonder what on earth his birthday could possibly have to do
with me,
maybe she needs a date?
  “His DJ
double
booked and he needs a replacement… are you free?”

Okay that is not what
I was expecting.  I had been trying to explain to her that I DJ at clubs
when her phone rang, but I have done the odd birthday for mates so I suppose I
could help out.  I mean that’s what friends do, right?

“Sure.  Let me
talk to him,” I say, holding out my hand for her phone.  It could
actually be kind of fun and I’d get to hang out with
Em
.

“Ethan, my friend
Nick here is a DJ, I’ll put him on.”

As I grab the phone
from her and get lost yet again in her beautiful green eyes, I realise how much
I am starting to hate that word,
friend
.

“Thank you again for
helping out Ethan,” I say as I open the front door.  Nick pulls me in for
a hug and I relish it.  I love the feel of his arms around me, I can’t
help it.

“You have to stop
thanking me, I should be thanking you,” he says against the top of my head
before pulling back slightly.  The smile on his face is as charming as
ever as his dimples show.  “Another paying job means I’m one step closer
to my goal.”  When he puts it that way, I kind of regret getting the job
for him, I don’t want him to leave. 
He’s going overseas indefinitely
. 
“Well thanks for dinner
Em
.  Bye.”

“See
ya
Nick,” I say as I watch him leave and then shut the door
quietly behind him.

I loved the way Nick
spoke with my brother, laughing and arguing when Ethan fought to pay him the
same rate as the DJ he had booked previously.  Apparently, he is not
usually paid that much, or so he said.
 
I
have the feeling that he just didn’t want to take money from my family. 
It was sweet but eventually Ethan and I convinced him that it was only fair he
got paid the going rate.  I’m really looking forward to watching him DJ
now.

Nick’s friendly
demeanour tonight made me realise that we could actually be just friends. 
I know now that I can push aside my feelings, I won’t stop wanting him but I
can push those thoughts away and act fairly normal.  He doesn’t see me
that way, so it’s not like I have a choice, I want him in my life.

My thoughts again
turn to Seth, our relationship is very different.  It’s become apparent
that we
can’t
just be friends and I’m not sure what to do about that.

Saturday night and
I’m sitting alone in an empty house. 
Great.
 
My life just keeps getting better and better.  Kevin is living his new
life with his new family and Max is out who knows where.  Ever since he
told us of his gaming news he has hardly been home, he’s been busy catching up
with family and old friends.  It’s almost as though he is making up for
lost time.  Now that he’s no longer chained to our lounge room it’s barely
recognisable, his mess is gone.  The place feels empty and quiet.  As
strange as it sounds, I kind of miss the gunfire and explosions.

So here I lie on my
bed with the TV on, although I’m not really paying attention to it.  My
thoughts keep turning to Emma and how at the beginning of this week I actually
thought I would have plans with her tonight.  Instead, I may have stuffed
up the only good thing going for me in this life.  I’ve been an absolute
fool.  I’ve barely spoken to her since she pulled away from me on Monday
after our lunch date.  She hurt my feelings so I acted like a child. 
The longer I’ve left it the harder I’ve found it to apologise to her for my
stupidity.

I keep telling myself
that she could come to me, and if she
was
interested she would.  But the truth of the matter is I’ve made it
difficult for her to do that, I’ve blown her off anytime she has come near me
at work.

And
now I have no idea how I can face her on Monday.
  I really should
call her to apologise.

If only I could man
up and do that.

I’m doing what I
never thought I would be doing, getting organised to go clubbing on a Saturday
night.  When April called me a couple of days ago, I had no recollection
whatsoever of the conversation that she assured me took place at Kat and Luke’s
wedding.  I don’t know why I said yes to going nightclubbing with
April. 
What was I thinking?
  Or I guess I wasn’t really
thinking at all.  I did have way too much to drink that night.

According to April,
after our rant about exes we decided to go clubbing together.  ‘Just us
girls’ no men to be involved in any way shape or form.  We promised that
we would have a fantastic time and ignore all men for the night.  No
picking up (not that I would anyway) and no flirting with the opposite
sex.  Somehow, on the phone, she convinced me again to go with her.

After my conversation
with Josh, I finally feel like we have closure.  Thankfully Tom has been
nothing but professional since I turned him down.  I haven’t said anything
more than a quick hello in passing to Nick since Wednesday night.  Things
are comfortable with those three.  But Seth is still not talking to me,
it’s aggravating.  Frustrating when I thought we had something…  So
as much as I don’t feel like going clubbing, I
do
need a night out,
particularly away from men. 
A
girls
’
night
out and seeing as Kat is on her honeymoon I guess April is the next best
thing.  I don’t want to sit around my apartment all weekend moping about
my lack of love life.  However, after rummaging through my closet for the
past thirty minutes, I’m not so sure I can go through with it. 
Me? 
Clubbing?
  I send April a quick text message.

Me:  I’ve got
nothing to wear, I can’t go.

Lame excuse I know,
but I just don’t fit into that scene at all.  I get a reply a minute
later.

April:  I’ll
help you pick something when I get there.  I’ll even bring some of my
clothes just in case.

Her
clothes?
  I’m sure we’re not even the same size.  Uh, I really
don’t want to do this.  Before I can reply, I get another text.

April:  So no
backing out ok?  I will be at your place at 10.

Me:  OK
c u
then :-)

I tack on the smiley
face but I’m not feeling
all that
smiley.  I drag
myself into the bathroom to have a shower anyway.

***

I try my best to lose
my inhibitions and to not think about how crap I am at dancing.  It is
hard not to be self-conscious when I have no idea what I’m doing.  I feel
like I’m making a fool of myself, I don’t know how to dance.  What doesn’t
help is the outfit, or lack thereof, that I’m wearing.  When April arrived
at my house, she came armed with a selection of clothes and a bucket full of
make-up.  We had a couple of drinks while I tried on a few things, which
may not have been the brightest idea.  Eventually settling on, or rather
allowing April to talk me into, a short and tight black skirt of hers with a
black crop top of mine with my lilac button up shirt, topped off with a sexy
pair of black heels.  At the time, she convinced me that I looked good but
now amongst all these people I’m not so sure.  Feeling self-conscious of
the fact that my skirt is too short, my top is barely buttoned-up, and my crop
top and push-up bra actually make my bust literally
bust
out, I move
awkwardly amongst the crowd, at least grateful for the poor club lighting.

April drags me to the
bar where we down a couple of shots followed by a cocktail of her
choosing.  I know again that this is probably not my brightest idea but
hey, you only live once and I know that I will not unwind without a few drinks
in me.

Eventually the
alcohol and the rhythm take over.  I’m surprised that I even recognise
some of the music and I like it.  When ‘Sexy and I Know It’ comes on, I
grin as I think of Nick, that song will always remind me of him.  I wonder
what he would say if he knew I was out clubbing.  My thoughts return to
the conversation I had with Nick and I chuckle softly to myself, so much for me
hating ‘
doof-doof
’ music!  Maybe clubbing’s not
so bad after all.  When Calvin Harris starts singing about feeling so
close… I close my eyes and just enjoy the feel of the beat and the
lyrics. 

I try to imitate
April’s moves on the dance floor.  She is a natural dancer.  She
moves in a sensual way and I’m kind of jealous of how at ease she looks. 
She really is stunning and I notice more than one guy having a perv at
her.  By the look on her face, I believe she is well aware of that fact
they are checking her out too.  Oh how I wish I had the same confidence as
her.

“I think I need
another drink!”  I yell into her ear while miming a drink motion with my
hand.  She nods in reply and we push our way through the crowd towards the
bar.  I let April order me some fancy looking cocktail, which is more like
a slushy.  It’s blue and sweet, icy-cold and so refreshing that I gulp it
down in a matter of seconds.  We order the same again but this time I
drink it a little slower as the rush of alcohol starts to hit my head.  I
have no idea what’s in these drinks but they sure are strong and delicious and
I decide to stick to them from now on.  No more mixing drinks for this
girl, I don’t want to spend my night attached to the toilet.

As we sip our drinks
we point out the cute guys around us which I think goes against our ‘no men’
policy, but hey there’s no harm in looking, right?

“Three
o’clock,” April says and I try to inconspicuously look in that
direction.  I notice a couple of guys, my eyes instantly making contact
with one of them.  I quickly avert my attention trying to look like I
hadn’t noticed him.  I did though and he’s kind of cute...  When I
look back in his direction I see that his friend is also looking our way. 
Then they start to move towards us.

“Shit!  They’re
coming over,” I say in a panic before downing the rest of my drink. 
“Let’s go.”  I look at April expectantly but she doesn’t budge.  “No
men, remember?”

April rolls her eyes
at me but complies anyway, putting her empty glass down next to mine on the
bar.

“Alright let’s
dance.”  She smiles at me as I tug her arm.

We manage to avoid
the guys as we make our way back to the dance floor.  I turn my back in
their general vicinity hoping that they don’t follow us onto the floor. 
April giggles at me then begins to dance again.  I don’t notice the guys
amongst the crowd, which is a good
thing,
I really
don’t need to be hit on tonight.

April and I continue
to dance to song after song.  After drinking more than my weight in cocktails
and dancing until I am covered in beads of sweat, I realise that I am actually
having a fabulous time.  Of course, that’s when the music stops. 
People start to move from the dance floor so I figure that maybe
it’s
closing time or something.

“I’m DJ
Stozie
,” a loud voice comes over the speakers.  The
crowd cheers.  “I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves tonight!” 
There is a round of applause, so I join in.  I have no idea where the DJ
even is in the darkness so I only hope I am facing the right direction while I
clap.  “One more song before I go.  This one’s for
Em
, who has proved me right tonight… she is a
damn fine
dancer.”  The crowd cheers again.  The DJ’s voice sounds awfully
familiar… did he say
Em
...? I squint into the
darkness at the edge of the floor, looking for the owner of that voice. 
“Yes, I mean you Emma Taylor,” he chuckles over the loud speaker, “you better
pay up on that bet.”  No it can’t be…
Nick?

April grabs my hand
and squeals in my ear, “You didn’t say you knew the DJ!”  I don’t answer
her.  I just keep scanning the crowd for Nick as the song that he has
apparently dedicated to me begins.  Everybody on the floor claps in time
to the initial beats so I join in with my arms raised in the air.  It’s
not a song that I recognise, but when the beat changes I start to dance with
April regardless.

The dance floor
becomes crowded yet again and I get pushed closer to her.  As April and I
start to find a rhythm together I give up my search for the DJ, sure that he
will find me.

My eyes were drawn to
her the instant she entered the club.  I honestly thought I was
hallucinating at first. 
Em
said that she
doesn’t go clubbing, ever.  I thought maybe as I had hardly seen her since
our dinner on Wednesday that my eyes were playing tricks on me, that I was
having withdrawals and just wishing it were her.