Finding Solace (64 page)

 
"You
will be when you find the right person. Have faith she is out there."

 
"Sounds
like you’re the one with all of the answers now."

 
"I am
your Yoda, Obi Wan."

 
"You’re
a dork, is what you are."

 
"Star
Wars is awesome. Don't hate."

 
Mike came
over to our couch and sat on the arm rest next to me.

 
"She's
right, dude. How can you not like Star Wars?"

 
"I
can’t stand Star Wars."

 
I looked
over to see who was crazy enough to say something so stupid and got the shock
of a lifetime when I found it to be Ash.

 
"Stop
playing around. That's not even funny." I snapped at him.

 
"I'm
just joking with you, Sadie. Are you okay?"

 
"Yeah,
sorry, I thought you were serious." What the hell? I have to be ready to
start my period. Why was I being so testy with everyone?

 
"You
were about to rip my head off over Star Wars, princess. Are you sure you’re
alright?"

 
"I'm
fine!"

 
I got up and
felt a cramp. Hallelujah! I walked straight to the bathroom to check. Shit!
Nothing.
Why am I cramping if there is nothing happening? I
just wanted to go home. How screwed up is that? I begged him to come here and
now I just wanted my bed. I walked back out and ran straight into Ash.

 
"What's
going on? You’re acting weird."

 
"Nothing, really.
I'm cramping and thought I might have
started."

 
"Did
you?"

 
"No."

 
"Sadie,
you’re over a week late. I know you said it was probably because we messed up
your pills, but don't you think it’s time we take a test, just to make
sure?"

 
"No, I
don't. I'm not pregnant, Ash. I am cramping. I just told you that."

 
"Alright, enough.
You keep snapping at me. I love you
more than life, but right now we are leaving. I am going to drive us to the
nearest drug store and we together, will go home and figure this out."

 
"Ash,
I...."

 
"Now,
Sadie. No more waiting. I want to know just as much as you don’t. I need to
know, Sadie. Do this for me, if that helps you decide."

 
"Fine,
let’s go."

 
I stormed
off and told everyone I was feeling sick and needed to leave. I apologized for
not being able to stay and thanked them all for being there for us. After hugs
and kisses were given and received, Ash and I left.

 
As we walked
to the car, actually I was more like storming out like a
brat,
Ash stopped me by taking my arm.

 
"Sadie,
stop please. This isn't something we should be fighting about. We need to be
there for each other. This is scary for me too. It could change our lives forever."

 
I knew he
was right. I was scared to death and taking it out on him.

 
"I'm so
sorry, Ash. I'm such a bitch. I'm just so scared."

 
I fell into
his arms crying. He rubbed my back and said, "It’s you and me. It’s always
going to be you and me. We are a team. You’re not alone, no matter what
happens, we do this together. I'm scared shitless myself. But it’s going to be
okay."

 
It was
exactly what I needed to hear. I still could not stop crying, but I was able to
say, "Let’s go do this before I lose my nerve."

 
"Whatever
happens, we are going to be okay."

 
We ended up
buying one of every kind they had. There was no way we were taking any chances.
Once we got home, I drank a huge glass of water and then waited until I had to
pee. It didn’t take long. We decided that I could not possibly pee on every
stick so I went in a cup and we dunked them all. The process sucked. It was pee
we were dealing with people! After all of them got their fill, we set them on
the counter and waited. I would love to tell you it took a long time, but
instantly they started to react. Some had lines, some were circles, but the one
that caught my attention first was the one that had words. Ash held my hand as
the single word PREGNANT came across the little window. We looked at each other
and then dove for the directions of the other ones. We went through each and
every one, but the results never changed. I ran out of the bathroom and
straight to the bed, where I threw myself on it and started to scream and cry.
Ash came in and crawled up behind me, wrapping me in his arms. He let me cry
until I couldn’t cry anymore. He just let me get it all out. When my tears
wouldn’t come anymore, I still was devastated. Ash said to me softly sniffling
himself, "We are going to get through this. It's going to be okay. I hate
to hear you so upset over something that is
all my
fault. It’s breaking my heart."

 
I knew he
didn’t do any of this on purpose. In fact, it wasn’t his fault at all. I should
have known I didn’t take my pill that morning. Why it didn’t hit me until the
next morning, I will never know. But I knew now that my life was forever
changed. I was going to be a mother to someone and it scared me to death.

 
"Ash, I
forgot to take my pill. It is my fault, if it's anyone's. We are going to be
parents to a baby that doesn’t deserve us to feel regret. We can do this if we
are together. We can get through anything as long as we have each other."

 
Now if I
could only convince myself.

CHAPTER
50

 
I
had asked Ash if he thought we should go to the doctor to confirm it before we
told people. He said thirteen different tests kind of did that for us already.
I had to agree with that. So we came to the decision that we would wait until I
was twelve weeks along before we told our parents. That way if something
happened before then, we wouldn’t have to share our grief as well. I can tell
you things did get better. By eight weeks, we were both actually getting
excited. Not that I ever thought Ash’s money would make a difference to me in
the slightest, but it definitely helped when considering taking on the expense
of a child.

 
We asked our
parents to come over to the house because we were ready to talk about planning
the wedding. It wasn’t a lie by any means. Ash and I talked about it. He felt
it was important for us to get married before the baby was born. I felt it was
important to get married before I got huge. With both of our points, it made it
an easy decision to have the wedding as soon as possible. I was so nervous to
tell my mom and dad. What I feared most was disappointment from them. Ash said
the same thing. His fear was them labeling it as carelessness. We had both
become fairly protective up to this point, so today we knew was going to be
rough.

 
I cleaned
and made my mom’s spaghetti, which Ash now likes over Maria’s. I am just not
allowed to tell her that. Ash was pacing the floor in the kitchen only adding
to my nerves.

 
"Honey,
you have to stop. You’re killing me over here."

 
"I'm
sorry, Sadie. It’s just that when we planned all this, you weren’t showing yet.
My mom is going to pick up on your bump as soon as she hugs you hello."

 
"I know
what you're saying is true, but honey, we don't have a choice in this anymore.
We have to tell them today because you're right, I'm growing so fast. We can't
really hide this much longer."

 
I grabbed my
baby bump and rubbed it. Something I find myself doing more and more often. Ash
walked up to me and placed his hands over mine. Something else, that has been
happening often.

 
“All I know
is that I'm not prepared for any poor judgment. We made the choice to get
married before we ever knew about this baby. I will not let them make us feel
like we're rushing into anything because of it. I love you more now than ever.
All of this is a blessing and I just want it to be seen that way."

 
"I
couldn’t agree with you more."

 
The front
door opened and the sound rang through the house.

 
"Hello?
Is anybody here?"

 
My mother
walked two feet in the door before she was screaming to find us. I walked
around and went to the foyer to greet her and my dad.

 
"Yes,
Mom, we’re here. How are you?"

 
When I
reached them, hugs and kisses were given out.

 
"It’s
good to see you both are finally making plans for this wedding. It’s been
weeks. All my girlfriends keep asking me, and I have to say that I don't know
why they're waiting. Do you know how happy I am going to be, to be able to tell
them a date?

 
"Mom,
not everyone sets a date as soon as they get engaged. Sometimes people just
want to enjoy being together before the stress of planning takes hold."

 
"Glad
you could make it, Linda. It’s great to see you again." Ash kissed her
cheek and then said, "Where’s Bill?"

 
"Oh, I
don't know. Probably still in the car listening to that awful talk radio."

 
"Well
then, can I get you something to drink while we wait?"

 
"Thank
you, Ash. I’ll just have whatever Sadie is having."

 
Ash shot me
a bug eyed look. I gave one right back. I had no idea what to do. We didn't
plan on a fake drink for me. I hate this! I hated lying to anyone more or less
our family.

 
"Mom, I
was just drinking green tea. Would you like something else?"

 
"Yes, I
would. Anything else would be better than that crap."

 
"Linda, what about a glass of wine?"

 
"Perfect.
Thank you, Ash."

 
"She
doesn't need any wine. She needs vodka or something that's going to calm her
down. The whole ride over I had to hear about the wedding plans that haven't
even started to happen yet. I'm going crazy already."

 
Obviously
you caught on that my dad came in the house, finally.

 
 
"Dad, be nice. She's just excited. As
long as she understands that whatever choices are made, they are mine and Ash’s
to make, then we will all be fine, right, Mom?"

 
"Yes, dear.
It’s your day."

 
I followed
Ash into the kitchen and said, "Since when do my parents get here before
yours? I was hoping for yours to distract mine. "

 
"I'm
ecstatic for the same reason. It just worked in my favor this time. So am I
really supposed to give her vodka?"

 
"Might
as well. My dad is driving her home."

 
Then I heard
Maria's voice and saw Ash's back go straight as a board.

 
"Seriously?
Did you not ever get in trouble as a child?
You’re acting like you have never upset your parents."

 
"I
haven't really.
A bad grade here and there or maybe a girl
hanging out at the house too much.
But never anything
like
this."

 
"You’re
a grown man, not a child. That is what we are going to raise. Now snap out of
it."

 
Maria and
Michael walked into the kitchen just as I said that. If they heard, they gave
no indication.

 
"Hello,
my children, I am so excited for today. Planning can begin. Where do you want
us to sit so we can get started?"

 
"Hello
to you both too, I think the dining room table could be perfect."

 
"Good.
Then I will go set up. Michael, are you coming?"

 
"In a
second, Maria, I need to grab a drink." He waited for Maria to leave
before he said. "Why are we really here? Ash, you’re my son. I know you
well. You don't give two shits about flowers and colors for this wedding. And
you made Bill and I come also. You know full well that is like a punishment to
men in general. What’s going on?"

 
My eyes fell
out of their sockets on that one. Poor Ash, if I could help I had to.

 
"Michael,
I asked him to. I thought everyone should be a part of the planning."