Finding Solace (68 page)

 
"You
heard me right. You, Kaleb, Heather and Kate, we decided that a while ago. That
is, if you accept?"

 
His face was
priceless. That smile was worth its weight in gold.

 
"It
would be my honor. Now which one is mine?" He placed his hands on my belly
and just as he did, one of them kicked, hard.

 
"Holy
shit, I think this one might play soccer too. That has to suck. I can't imagine
feeling that inside me."

 
"That's
why I tell her she's amazing every chance I get. I couldn't do it, that's for
sure."

 
Ash had come
over to sit with us. He did tell me both of those things a lot.

 
"Dude,
she's a trooper. There is no doubt in my mind I would be crying like a baby if
that happened to my body."

 
Tony pointed
to my belly as he said it. I couldn't help but laugh.

 
"It’s
not that bad, you guys. Besides, it's almost over. The tough part starts when
we have two screaming babies at one time."

 
"No
shit. I feel for both of you. Ash, you better not bail on her and make her do
it all by herself. I will come over there personally and kick your ass."

 
"Have I
ever given you reason to think I would bail on Sadie, ever?"

 
"Nope,
just making sure you don't start."

 
He smiled
again and continued, "I'm just giving you trouble, man. I think you two
are going to make stellar parents. And from what I hear, I get to have some say
so also, as Godfather."

 
Ash looked
at me disappointed and then said, "You told him without me?"

 
"I'm
sorry. I didn't realize it was supposed to be a ‘tell them together’ kind of
thing?"

 
He looked
hurt until the smile took over and he said, "That's okay. I told Kate the
other day. She is so excited. She says she wants the boy, as if she gets to
pick."

 
"You
told Kate without me?"

 
Tony started
laughing at us both.

 
"You
two crack me up. I personally don't care which one you give me. I will be happy
with either one of them."

 
"Good,
because we haven't decided who's getting who yet, we will let you know."

 
"If I
have any pull as the father, I will try to get you the boy."

 
"Thanks,
that would be awesome but I really meant what I said. Having a miniature Sadie
would be pretty cool too. I just feel so honored that I was chosen."

 
I hugged him
and said, "You’re part of my family. Now it can just be official."
And then I kissed him on the cheek.

 
The bus came
to a stop so I looked to find we were already
back
at
the reception hall. Time just flew by. I could not believe the night was
starting.

 
We all lined
up in the hallway waiting for the DJ to announce us. Ash and Jeff went inside
to find their seats. Megan and Mike walked in first and then it was mine and
Tony’s turn. We got to the table just in time to turn around and watch Heather
and Jason Harrison make their entrance. They both looked so happy and in love.
Tears came to my eyes again. Life is good.

 
We ate a delicious
dinner. Well, I actually had two plates, but the second one didn’t count
because that one was for the babies.

 
It was time
for the toasts. Tony went first and talked about growing up with the brothers
and how Jason was always the one with the softest heart. After he found
Heather, he knew she was the one. It was so sweet.

 
I had no
idea what I was going to say. Ash had told me to pre write my speech, but like
a fool I said I wanted it to come from my heart. This is what I came up with,

 
“Heather has
been my best friend ever since the first day I met her in the tenth grade. She
has never been one to settle for anything. She wants what she wants, and she
works to get it. And work she did. Months went by of me hearing about Jason.
She never would say more than two words to him, but ‘he was going to be hers’
as she would tell me. The night that they finally got it right, I will never
forget. That night changed a lot of things for all of us. One night at the
bowling alley and Heather snagged her man. They have gone through so much. But
still here they are, side by side for the rest of their lives. I'm so proud to
call you both my friends. Congratulations, you guys. I love you both."

 
Everyone
clapped and then I went to sit back down. I was shaking from my nerves when I
scanned the crowd looking for Ash’s smile to calm me. What I found was not
that, my eyes landing right on Colt.

 
He looked
amazing. He always did. He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. I
stared a little longer than I probably should have. When my eyes finally found
Ash, his smile was gone and he was looking right at where I had been. Shit! Ash
knew everything by this point, the proposal and all. I didn’t want to start a
life with him based on lies. This night just went to shit. There was no way I
could handle both of them in one room. I looked over at Tony and he had
apparently caught the whole thing too. His expression was one of caution. I, at
that point, just chose to look for my parents. They were sitting with my husband,
of course. I made eye contact with my dad and everything was great again. He
always could look at me and make everything seem better. I smiled at him and he
winked back.

 
It was time
to dance with our wedding partners, so Tony led me out on to the dance floor.
When the music started and we began to sway back and forth Tony said, "How
are you holding up, pretty girl?"

 
"Not
good. He's here, Tony."

 
"Did
you think he wouldn't come?"

 
"I
guess I just denied it to myself."

 
"Denial
is a tricky thing. What are you thinking right now?"

 
"Honestly?
I want to go talk to Colt. I know I need to talk to Ash first, but I want so
bad to talk to him."

 
"Your
right about Ash coming first, I wish I could understand the pull that is
between you and Colt. I always felt it. It’s like you guys are magnets. You two
always just needed to turn one of them around. Sadie, I have to ask this? Don't
lie to me or feel like I am going to judge you, okay? Do you feel like you made
a mistake sometimes?"

 
"No."
I didn't have to take a second to even think about that answer.

 
"I
wouldn't change anything other than telling him how I felt back then. Not
because of the outcome, but because I hurt myself by keeping it in. I needed
him. He helped me so much, Tony. He showed me how to love myself again.
Everything that Ash loves me for, is what Colt helped pull back out of me. He
means so much to me, whether anyone else can understand that or not."

 
"I get
it. I really do. I watched you grow into the woman you are today. But don't
forget, Ash has helped you too. Colt still loves you, Sadie. Just be careful.
This could get really ugly."

 
"I know
it can. That's why I need to speak with my husband first."

 
The song
ended and everyone was walking off the dance floor. Tony looked at me one more
time and said, "Good luck."

 
I walked
straight over to Ash and asked him if I could talk to him out in the hallway
for privacy. He looked at me for a minute and then scooted his chair back and
stood. He followed me out into the hall like I asked, but he did not speak to
me once while we were getting there. I turned to him and said, "I love
you. I chose you. I will always choose you. Do you understand that? Colt is a
huge part of my past. You have my whole future. I don't want you to ever doubt my
feelings for you. You own my heart."

 
He stared
down at me and said, "I hate him. I know that's not what you want to hear,
but it is the truth. You left me for him twice. I know the first time was so
you could be there for him with everything he went through. I get that. He
needed you. But it doesn't take away the fact that you cut me off, for him. The
second time you never left, but you doubted us. He rocked you enough that it
created doubt. I have never once doubted you. Not once did I think about
leaving you. Can you understand that? It hurt, Sadie. And he's fucking here! I
saw the way you looked at him. How am I supposed to feel?"

 
It hit me
like a ton of bricks. I never thought about it before. How selfish am I to not
have? I hurt him.

 
"I'm so
sorry. You have to believe me when I tell you that. I never want you to feel
hurt, especially by me. And what I am about to say probably isn't going to make
you feel any better. I need to talk to him, Ash. I need to do it. I promise
you, there is no doubt left in me. I am yours. Look at me. I am all yours. He
was a friend to me too. I haven't seen or spoken to him since that day. I have
to do this. Please, have faith and trust in me. Love me enough to let me do
this for myself. I won't, if you put your foot down. I would hope if the
situation were reversed, you would give me the same respect. But I need this.
Please."

 
He grabbed
me and pulled me into a hug. It was not the easiest thing to hug me anymore. I
missed them. He lifted my chin and said, "Go. I hate it, but I understand.
You have all my faith and trust. Don't ever think you don't. Come find me when
you’re done. I love you, princess." He kissed me and then walked back into
the reception.

 
I walked
back in, but this time I went over to all of my friends. Bryan had brought
Marissa as his date. She was beautiful. Every time I saw her, she grew more and
more into her features. She could be a model, there is no question. Bryan
looked the same, cute as ever. Shawn and Ashlee were there and still going
strong. In fact, Shawn planned to propose on their next anniversary. I was so
happy for them. Dave and Angie finally gave up on the independent thing. She
moved to Huntington Beach to join Dave last month. They all looked so tan and
healthy. Everyone could not believe how big I was in person. That was all they
seemed to be able to talk about. I told them that two means bigger than one and
to leave me alone. Every one of them was shit faced already and heading out on
the dance floor to find Jason and Heather. That left one person, the one
sitting directly across the table from me. He looked over at me and said,
"Care to take a walk?"

 
"I
would love to, if you don't mind that I waddle more than walk these days."

 
"I
don't mind a bit. Let’s go, beautiful."

 
I followed him
outside. The air actually felt good on my skin. It was getting very hot inside.
At least to me it was. I seemed to be hot anywhere regardless.

 
"So how
have you been?"

 
"As you
can see, I have been busy,” I said as I rubbed my belly. “How are you?"

 
"I've
been better. Well, that’s not completely true. I have been doing
good
. I've been dating a girl for a while. She’s nice."

 
"That's
great. You deserve to be happy, Colt."

 
"I
know. And I am trying. Work is great. The kids are fantastic to work with. I
never knew that it could be this fun to work and teach. I'm getting paid to do
what I love. That isn't something everyone gets to say."

 
"No, it
sure isn't. I quit my job, so I'm a little jealous."

 
"Why
would you quit? That's crazy. You loved doing hair?"

 
"Well,
as you can see, I'm about to be the mother of twins, one boy and one girl. Life
has changed a lot of things. I love my babies more than my job."

 
"That
makes sense.” He paused to look me over. “You are stunning, you know? I
couldn't help but stare at you all day. There once was a time that I thought it
would be us taking those vows and us making those babies. I didn't think it
would hurt so bad, seeing you get those things from someone else. You are that
girl for me."

 
"Colt,
no, I'm not. Whoever is, will love you so much more than I ever could have.
Maybe things could have been different, but how could we ever be sure it would
have worked out for us? If you question it one way, you need to think about the
other. At least we still can be friends. If we would have broken up, it could
have led to bitterness. This way, there is none."

 
"I
still love you, Sadie. How do I let that go?"

 
"You
don't have to. I still love you. You were there through a very pivotal point in
my life. I was there for you through one of yours. What we had was real, whether
other people understand it or not. But it is over. Our lives have moved
forward. We need to move with it. I can't live in the past or with doubt. I
don't want to."