First Kiss (Heavy Influence) (41 page)

             
“I wanna come and get you, Aly,” I said breathless. “If you think you can pull it off. We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.”

             
“So that’s it, no more explanation? I’m just supposed to believe you?” Her voice strained.

“Yes, you are. It was nothing and it never is. Come on, I
wanna come and get you,” I begged. I could hear her breathing rapidly and I kept begging. I admitted to behaving badly, and promised it would never happen again. She finally agreed to meet me later that night.

             
As soon as the call disconnected there was a rap at my door and my stomach churned, it was Notting, ready to unleash his fury. I glanced at the clock and it was nearly five o’clock. I hoped this wouldn’t last long.

39

Jake

A stone-faced man stared back at me from across the room. I sat down on the bed quietly waiting, watching the clock’s bright numbers glare back at me.

             
“What is going on with you?” He paced, angrily. “Do you have any idea the mess you’ve caused?”

             
My stomach began to boil, a surprise reaction. Now I was getting pissed. Was he really blaming me for this entire thing? “Oh really,” I said condescendingly. “You have no idea the shit I put up with. Mike, he’s a piece of shit and I don’t wanna be around him. I can’t put up with it anymore.”

             
Notting pointed his finger at me. “You two are in some serious trouble. This is going to cost us money, money we don’t have.” Notting’s voice raged. “I don’t give one shit about the little issues you have with Mike. He was your choice to be in the band. This is a business we’re running here. He’s an important part of the equation, my friend. So whatever your problems are, you’d better work them out.”

             
Notting stood at the foot of the bed glaring at me, if he had fangs, they’d be showing.

“What if I said I don’t want him in the band anymore?” I closed my eyes quickly, waiting for another eruption, instead the bed moved. I opened my eyes to see Notting sitting at the edge of the bed, with his back facing me.

              “Why?” His voice was raspy and tired.

“For one, I don’t like how he treats Bobby…
and the drinking and drugs is more than I thought.” I wavered, not sure if I should mention Aly’s name, but who was I kidding? “I don’t like how he is with Aly. There’s something’ goin’ on there.”

             
I continued my explanation of what led me to this place and Notting just kept pinching the bridge of his nose and squinting his eyes. He looked overwhelmed. Periodically I glanced over at the clock sitting on the table next to the bed. I felt evermore anxious as the red digital numbers clicked closer to five-thirty.

He didn’t say a word about Aly and her obvious part in my decision.

              “It takes two to tango my friend.” Notting got up, pacing again. “It takes two or more in any spectacle. I’m done here. You are the one who needs to make this whole. School is beginning. Next tour may or may not happen now. When you’re ready to make a decision let me know.” He laughed quietly at my audacity. “Call your mother. I’ll let you tell her. You better do it now.”

             
He walked toward out the door and the sound of it slamming shut absorbed into the walls. Realizing I needed the keys to the van, I ran to the door. “Notting, I need the keys to the van.” I yelled out. I wasn’t going to say a word of my plans. By the time I returned, he would be asleep and none the wiser, until morning and I’d be gone anyway.

***

Walking out to the van I explained and apologized to Bobby for dragging him into my mission. We hadn’t said one word to each other since the incident. “Naw man, no biggie,” Bobby said, slouching along. “He deserves that broken nose. Maybe he’ll learn to shut the hell up. So, are you serious about getting rid of him?”

“Yep, I just need to figure out how to do it.”

“Just fucking say
you’re fired!”
Bobby laughed hysterically, flipping a dual middle finger to an imaginary Mike.

The heat index was still intense. Invisible waves rose up in a blurred haze off in the distance, everywhere I looked. Driving the van and trailer to the backside of the hotel, we unhitched the trai
ler and were on the road before six. I prayed that no one would screw with it. Notting would definitely cut me off if anything happened with our gear, I’d be dead. I had to let him know.

I handed Bobby my phone and I instructed him to text Notting.

-
       
NOT – BOBBY AND I BORROWED THE VAN. FIGURED YOU GUYS WOULDN’T NEED IT SINCE EVERYTHING’S WALKING DISTANCE. TRAILER’S IN BACK OF HOTEL. BE BACK LATER. TRYING TO SORT THINGS OUT.

“Shit. Dude, I’m scared,
” Bobby said with jumpy chuckles. “He was pissed earlier. What’s he gonna say to this?”

The ping of a new text message rang out and we shot each other a quick glance. “What’s he sayin’?” I held my breath.

              Looking down at the phone, Bobby smiled, holding it up to my face so I could read it myself.

-
       
CALL YOUR MOTHER.

“I bet he wants to talk to her,
and doesn’t want to be the bearer of bad news,” I said, rolling my eyes.

The first two hours of the
drive went by in a blur. I finally got the courage to call my mother, and she handed me my ass. All she sounded like was a loud jet engine. I promised to sit down with her when I got home, to make a plan of action, because that’s how she always liked to handle things. It was her way of controlling the situation. She didn’t stop hammering at me her disappointment. Even though I understood, I didn’t really care. I kept glancing over t Bobby to check his reaction to anything I was saying, but he was occupied by texting and it continued on well after my call ended.

I drove on, into the nothingness of the darkened desert, t
hinking how to approach Mike. My attention changed back to Bobby when he snickered. I was curious as to who the hell held his attention lately. I’d never noticed him so attached to his phone, ever. It must be a new girlfriend of his.

“When we gonna meet this girlfriend of yours?” I piped. “You’ve been texting like a chick for weeks now.”

I kept giving Bobby quick glances to assess his demeanor and what I saw surprised me. Instead of a smile on his face, a serious expression dominated his exterior and my stomach sank.

“Dude, don’t tell me you wanna quit the band because of some chick.” I blurted out.

What else could it be? It had to be that, I thought to myself. He was in love and didn’t want to be away from her. It happened all the time and I knew it. I would be a fool not to admit I hadn’t thought about it at least once.

“Come
on, man, spit it out,” I said, putting the pressure on.

Bobby kept taking in deep breaths and sighing loudly. Finally he glanced at me. “No, I don’t wanna leave the band.”

“Don’t jerk me around Bobby,” I said seriously. “Just say it.”

“I’m not gonna leave the band, unless you kick me out.”

“Why would I kick you out?” I laughed, relieved. “Don’t be a dick.” I began to fidget with the radio. A nervous habit I had when I knew something wasn’t right. Like a sixth sense, whatever it was, it was coming.

“Dude, you might wanna pull over, I think I’m gonna be sick.”

As soon as I pulled over on the side of the highway, Bobby launched himself out the door puking as soon as his feet hit the dirt. Dry heaving for a bit, he finally calmed. I sat with my hands glued to the steering wheel.

“Are you ok? What do you need, man?” I didn’t know what else to say. It was obvious he wasn’t ok.

“Naw, man, I’ll be alright,” he said weakly, getting back into the van. He fiddled with the air vents, making them blow on his face. Beads of sweat trickled down his forehead and gathered on his upper lip. He finally looked at me. “I’m sorry.”

“Dude, don’t worry about it. You think you have the flu? You
wanna keep going? Shit, we’re half way there. I could just take you home when we get there,” I said, worried about him and worried I’d catch whatever he had. “Man, I hope I don’t get sick too, they won’t have a way back.”

“Jake, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a long, long time and there was really no reason to, until now.”

“Ohhh kayyyy,” I said slowly. Having no idea what it could be. Looking in my side view mirror I started pulling away.

“No, don’t go yet,” h
e said grabbing at my forearm. “Just wait ‘til I’m finished.”

“Dude, fucking spit it out already, you’re killing
me,” I said, slamming on the breaks, looking at him wide-eyed.

“I’m gay.”

In one breath, his two words came out clear, concise and fast. Yet my brain processed them in slow motion. I felt like my jaw had been hanging there for a while and Bobby buried his head in his hands as he began to cry.

The last time I saw Bobby cry was when he got beat up in the
third grade. Even back then I had his back, I went after that dick wad, Cameron, and kicked his ass. Moments of our childhood flashed through my brain and I realized that it’d been subtle, but I guess the signs were always there. But not like the gay guys you read about. Bobby wasn’t the stereotypical gay guy.

“Man, come on,
” I said, wanting to give him shit, hoping he was fucking with me, though he clearly wasn’t. He was emotional and I couldn’t ignore it. “Does anyone else know?”

He shook his head no and wiped the few tears that spilt from his eyes. “Dude, when my dad finds out he’s gonna kick me out. He’s gonna hate me.” That’s when he really began to sob.

I felt a million different emotions. Telling Aly was the first thing I wanted to do. She would know how I should handle this, with her having Marshall as a friend and all. Maybe he could give me some advice. I immediately pulled onto the highway again, getting up to 80 mph. We didn’t talk for at least an hour as Bobby continued his texting mission. Probably telling his lover or whoever, that he dropped the bomb on me. He remained emotional for a little bit longer. I was still at a loss for words and thought about his hard ass, man’s man, father.

I floated through the motions and pulled off the freeway to fill the gas tank. I couldn’t quite wrap my hands around what was going on. Bobby and Aly, I thought, two of the most important people in my life, had me turned inside out. I thought about Bobby being afraid to tell his dad and I felt worse. All these words filled my head and burned themselves into my brain. All the things, t
he emotions and feelings we hid from each other for acceptance. That’s what it came down to, acceptance; by our friends, our parent’s and our peers. It was all fucked. Getting back into the van, I quickly searched for my note pad, writing down what was floating around in my head:

NEVER ENOUGH

It's all contrived,

My state of being through these lies

Life looks so different through these eyes

And it won't survive like this

It's a compromise 

That keeps on giving hell

Raping all my feelings

it's just never enough

Letting go from indecision

and the people you trust

From the cry of every person who has felt this lost

It leaves me feeling empty

It's never enough

I'm never enough

And all these feelings that we hide

To reveal is social suicide

we're
given rules we must abide

When do we decide what's right?

There's no compromise

I don't care what you say,

Cause this whole thing ends tonight

Raping all my feelings

it's
just never enough

Letting go from indecision

and the people you trust

From the cry of every person who has felt this lost

It leaves me feeling empty

It's never enough

Bobby was lost again in text messaging, unaware of how long we’d been sitting parked at the gas pump
, for twenty minutes. As weirded out as I was, I actually wanted to give him a hug, instead I opted for a shoulder grab.

“Bobby, if your dad kicks you out, you can live with us,”
I offered. I meant it too. As I sat there letting his words resonate with me. It didn’t matter to me if he was gay, really. He was like a brother to me.

“This ch
anges things now, doesn’t it?” he said quietly, almost regretful.

“Not really,
” I assured him, trying to believe my own words. “But you gotta know this is a freakin’ whopper.” I decided to lighten the mood and hoped he wouldn’t get offended. “So, who’s the lucky dude?” I asked playfully. Bobby remained subdued. “Was that not something I should ask?” I wondered out loud. “Man, you gotta let me know somethin’. I don’t wanna be on eggshells with you now. I wanna treat you like I normally would, right?”