For Nicky (20 page)

A week after the realization that Nate had totally misunderstood the situation, Beth was still miserable, and I’d had enough! Those two loved each other and this called for an intervention. And this time, it was my turn to lead it. I headed to Nate’s place.

I’m an idiot. A fucking idiot. I had a long talk with Audrey. Well, actually, Audrey talked, screamed, and ranted while I listened. After she finished, I realized I’d made a monumental mistake and made it even worse by refusing to talk it out with Libby. Instead of talking about the problem and my feelings, I pushed Libby away and let my harsh words and foolish assumptions stand in the way of love. Why hadn’t I just talked to her about what I heard? Was there any chance I could fix this? No, according to Audrey, Libby was so hurt by the way I treated her that she was sticking to things being over between us. She wasn’t taking my calls or returning my texts even after I let her know my new number. This called for drastic measures. I hope Nicky and Audrey are up for some secret re-matchmaking!

Miss Audrey and I are like secret spies. This is fun, but
it’s serious stuff too. We are going to get Miss Elizabeth to fall back in love with Nate. No that’s not right. She doesn’t have to fall BACK in love with Nate because she never STOPPED loving him, but she needs to forgive him for his mistake. Everyone makes mistakes and Nate said he was sorry. She should forgive him. I like secret missions.

I really hope this works. It all hinges on Beth. I’ve set a romantic mood in the Morgan Family basement. Mr. and Mrs. Morgan went away for the weekend to a bed and breakfast in a neighboring town. After helping me with the finishing touches and saying they hoped our plan worked, they gave Nicky and I hugs and then they left. They were all touchy feely with each other and Mrs. Morgan was giggling. I bet I know what THEY will be doing all weekend. Nicky is staying with me this weekend. That is, after he plays his part in this whole plan. And, I’m taking him out for pizza and a movie. I’m ready to face my fears, for Nicky. I just hope that our pizza and movie night will be in celebration and not to drown our sorrows.

“Miss Elizabeth, I need your help. There’s a loud noise in the basement and I’m scared. Mom and Dad are gone and Nate’s at the gym. Can you come help me?”

Poor Nicky.
I rushed right over to the Morgan home. Nicky took me to the basement where I determined the noise had come from the furnace. I started to head up the stairs, but Nicky stopped me. He said he wanted to show me something, but I had to sit on the couch and wait. Since Nate wasn’t here, I decided I could give Nicky some time. I’d missed spending time with him since all of this went down between Nate and me. As Nick headed up the stairs, I looked around and realized that the Morgan’s had a REALLY nice basement. First, it was heated and fully furnished, sort of like an apartment. There was full carpeting, a kitchen area, a gorgeous bathroom, even a bedroom area along with the living area. I bet Nate lived down here before moving out on his own. For a moment, I let myself imagine Nicky meeting a sweet girl and them living down here in this perfect little apartment. I shook my head and smiled at the thought.

Cindy must have
girlied the basement up after Nate moved out because it definitely had a romantic girly look to it now. I felt the need to get out because being this close to Nate was just too hard. I was glad when Nicky started down the steps because I was ready to leave. “Libby-girl, we need to talk.” At the sound of the basement door being locked from the outside and the familiar rumble of Nate’s voice, I knew I’d been set up and I’d fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.

My hands were shaking as I climbed slowly down those stairs into the basement I’d lived in throughout my college years. Audrey had gone all out setting a romantic scene; however, I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough to convince Libby how sorry I was. I had been a total ass to her; I treated her no better than Audrey used to. And, worse, I’d taken something from her and then thrown her away over a stupid misunderstanding that I didn’t even attempt to talk through with her.  I know I’ve never used my degree, but as a licensed school counselor, you’d think I’d know better; I guess being so close to the situation and having such emotions involved shook me up too much, and I obviously hadn’t used my brain. All this had been running through my head for days yet I had absolutely no clue what I planned to say to Libby.  I guess I hadn’t planned ahead because I wasn’t sure Nicky could get her over here.  Now that she’s here, I don’t really know what to say. But when I reach the bottom step and I see her standing there, I know that I have no choice. I have to make this
work, I have to have her back in my life. She’s my air and today is the first day I’ve been able to breathe since I walked away from her. No matter how today turns out, I will not give up. She has a right to be pissed, but I will spend the rest of my life fighting to get her back and being the man she fell in love with, the man she deserves.

I look into Libby’s eyes, those crazy beautiful grey-green eyes, and I’m lost. She hasn’t said anything yet, but I can tell she’s pissed, hurt, and trying not to cry. I feel like absolute shit knowing I’m the one who brought this pain onto her, onto us. She’s lost weight, she looks pale, but she’s still my gorgeous Libby and I want nothing more than to haul her into my arms and hold her forever. As I take a step toward her, she steps back and holds her hands up as if to ward me off. My heart breaks a little more than it already was. “Libby, baby, I’m so sorry. Please, let’s talk this out.”

I have never been so pissed, so hurt, so torn in my life. I want to smack him in his beautiful face. I want to bury my head in his chest and cry my eyes out. I feel the need to go to him and hold him, yet I also feel the need to escape from him.  He hurt me. He took a terrible misunderstanding, and instead of talking to me about it, he shut me out, left me, said hurtful things to me, compared me to a bully. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m not a pushover. I’m not the meek and mild Elizabeth I let Audrey and others convince me I was. I’m strong, I’m confident, and right now I’m pissed. My voice is slightly louder than I mean for it to be and the volume only increases as my anger gathers steam.

“Oh, so NOW you want to talk this out, Nate?!
NOW? You didn’t want to talk when you overheard something and made an inaccurate assumption. You didn’t want to talk when I tried to contact you. But you want to talk NOW!?! Ok, Nate, let’s TALK! Let’s talk about how you rescued me from my sister and gave me my sister back at the same time. Let’s talk about how your brother is one of the most special people in my life and I would NEVER say cruel things about him or anyone else. Let’s talk about how I spent the better part of a year falling in love with a man who is so far out of my league, yet he never made me feel that way. Let’s talk about how, even when I’m pissed at you, the memory of what we shared still warms me all over. Let’s talk about how you said you LOVE me, then you LEFT ME, you LEFT ME, NATE! Let’s talk about the cruel words you said to me and the insinuations you made that I would EVER hurt Nicky! Let’s talk about how my heart is broken and I know today is only going to break it more…..and how, even after all of this, I love you so much that I don’t think I’ll ever recover. You own my heart, Nate!” I say this last part on a sob and crumble into Nate’s arms as he reaches for me. His arms wrap around me and hold me tight.

His hands stroke my hair and he whispers, “
Shhhh, baby, I’ve got you. Damn, Libby, I wish I could take this all away. I know I made a mistake. I’m here today to ask you to forgive me and start the process of us working through this. Can we work through this, Libby? Can you forgive me? Can we get back to where we were?” Nate’s words are desperate and scared, like he already knows what my answer has to be.

“Nate, I loved you. I still love you. I was so hurt and broken after what you did, but I can forgive you. I’m grateful that you and Audrey talked so you could realize your mistake. I accept your apology.”

Nate’s relief was evident as he sighed and captured my lips with his. Caught off guard and betrayed by my body, I leaned into his kiss and enjoyed the heat for a moment. For a brief time, it was like I left my body and watched what was happening. I could forgive. We could go back to where we were before. However, I’ve never really been Elizabeth. I’ve always been Audrey’s shadow, the freak. Maybe I did get too involved too quickly. If I go right back to Nate, I’ll never know if I love him because he was the first and only one willing or if it’s because we are meant to be together. I step back from the kiss and I know Nate sees what’s coming when he looks into my eyes.

“Nate, I think we should both take a step back from this and see if it’s what we really want. What we truly need. We should date other people. We should travel, alone. We should be friends, at least for Nicky.”

I helped Libby learn to stand up for herself and come out of the shadows and now it’s going to kick me in the balls. I’ve never been so proud of someone yet as completely gutted as I am right now. Libby is leaving me. We can be friends. What the fuck? She is my best friend, but I can’t be just friends with the woman I am madly in love with. I can’t be just friends with the girl I want to kiss and hold and bury myself in. I won’t. I will fight this. I will bring her back to me. But, she’s right, maybe she does need to get to know Libby before she comes back to Libby and Nate. I’ll let her go. I won’t be happy about it, but I’ll let her go. That way, I’ll know if, no WHEN, she comes back to me, it’s because she truly belongs to me.

“Ok, Libby, I’ll give you time and space.  I’ll be your friend.
For now. I’ll try to be patient. But, I won’t let you go forever. I will stay in your heart, in your life. You say I own your heart; I’ll let you borrow it back for a while, but it belongs to me now and I won’t part with it for long. You won’t be able to move on from me. You can try, but I’m yours and you can’t get rid of me. I’d like for us to at least be on friendly terms for Nicky. But, rest assured, every time I see you, my thoughts won’t be friendly; I’ll be thinking of what’s under those clothes of yours. I’ll be thinking of what it feels like to be buried deep inside of you. I’ll be thinking about the proud, strong, confident woman I’ve watched come out of her shell and I’ve fallen in love with. And, just so you know, you can date all you want, but I won’t be dating. I’ll be watching you. I’ll be loving you. I’ll be waiting. For you. For you to find yourself. For you to remember how right we are together. I love you Libby-girl.”

As if we both know this is a last kiss, at least for a while, we cling to each other. I pour my soul into the kiss, searing her lips with mine. It’s the most bittersweet moment I’ve ever had. This kiss proves to me that she loves me, but it’s also goodbye.
At least for now. I understand why it has to be good-bye for now. But I don’t like it one bit.

I don’t think our plan worked. Yesterday, when Miss Elizabeth came out of the basement, I could tell she had been crying. Then Nate came out and he had been crying too. Miss Elizabeth told me today at the center that she’s taking a vacation to go on a cruise. She said that means she will ride on a big boat. She will be gone from the center for a week. I’m sad. I thought she and Nate would fix things so I could have her as my friend and sister. And she could give Nate babies.

I was always too scared to travel by myself. Audrey had always made me feel like I was inept and couldn’t handle making the plans or getting to the right place at the right time. I know now that I AM able to travel on my own. I absolutely loved my week-long cruise. I felt strong and proud that I made the travel arrangements by myself. I got myself to the airport and on the right plane by myself. I hate that I wasted all this time not traveling because I let Audrey make me believe that I couldn’t do it. But, I’m so proud of myself for doing it now. I loved every bit of my time away. The food, the entertainment, the crystal clear water, the time to rest and relax and reflect. I’m scared about being without Nate, but I know I need to do this. I feel deep in my heart that Nate and I will find our way back to each other, I’m just not sure when or how. I am determined to date a little so that I can find out if I fell for Nate because he was Nate or just because he was ready and willing. If I fall for someone else in the same way, I’ll know a couple things. One, I’ll know that what Nate and I had wasn’t as special as I thought it was. Two, I’ll know I need to keep going to therapy because I fall for guys who show interest way too easily.

Anyway, my week away was a total refresher for my body and mind, but now I’m back to work, and I’m happy to be here. I have a ton of work to catch up on, but I feel so right when I’m here with my students, coworkers, and books. I’m eating lunch when Scott Donovan, our automotive technology teacher, walks in to the lounge. Scott is about my age I’m guessing. I know he plays basketball with Nathan sometimes. He’s taller than me, but not as tall as Nate. He has shaggy brown hair that’s longer around his ears and neck. On anyone else, it would look unkempt, but on Scott it looks ok. Scott looks to be in good shape. He’s what I’d call husky, but he’s built too. I hate to keep comparing to Nate, but Scott is just about as opposite of Nate as you can get. He’s got fair skin and his cheeks are always a little rosy. His eyes are a pretty hazel with little gold flecks and lashes to die for. Scott had talked to me when I first started working at
the center. Looking back on it, I’m guessing he was showing interest in me, but I was so far removed from all of that then that I didn’t even realize he may have been flirting with me. Then I got involved with Nate and there was no one else.

“Hey there, Miss Elizabeth, how’s it going? You have a good vacation?” Scott asks as he grabs his lunch and sits down at the table with me. I love that he always seems jovial. It matches his ruddy cheeks.

“My vacation was fabulous, Mr. Scott. Thanks for asking. Have you ever been on a cruise? It was very relaxing and gave me exactly the time away that I needed to do some thinking.”

“Did that thinking time have to do with Nate Morgan? I don’t mean to be nosey, but I play basketball with him sometimes. I know you two had been dating, but I got the feeling that maybe you were on the outs when I played ball with him last week.” Scott’s normally rosy cheeks are full on red now, and I feel bad that he’s so embarrassed.

“Yes, Nate and I are not together at the present time. We had a rough start and then some silly misunderstandings led to us taking a step back to reevaluate things.”  I noticed I didn’t say that Nate and I were totally over. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say that. While I ponder that, I find myself thinking about Nate as Scott is talking. He obviously didn’t care about my word usage, he was continuing on. I mentally scolded myself and forced my mind to pay attention to what he was saying.

“Well, Miss Elizabeth, I’ll understand if it’s too soon, and I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want, but I was wondering if you’d like to go out with me sometime? We could do dinner and movie?”

Oh my. This is what I wanted. Wasn’t it? I wanted to try dating someone other than Nate. Scott was a total sweetie, and I could tell he was really nervous asking me out. I should do this just to get a first date after Nate over with. Is it bad that I was thinking of just getting it over with? Where were those butterflies in my stomach that I always felt with Nate? Would it be unfair to Scott to date him when I obviously am not ready to be done with Nate? All of this runs through my head in the 10 seconds of dead air before I smile at Scott and say, “That would be nice. How about tomorrow night?”

Scott gives me a cherubic smile and says, “I’ll pick you up at 6:00pm. Is that ok?”

I agree and Scott and I spend the rest of lunch talking about things at work. As we walk out of the lounge, I see Nicky. I smile and wave at him and he approaches Scott and me. Scott touches my shoulder and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow night at 6:00, Miss Elizabeth. Be thinking about where you want to go eat. I’ve got to get back to the auto shop, we’ve got an engine to rebuild!” I smile at how excited Scott seems about rebuilding that engine. We are lucky to have someone so knowledgeable and enthusiastic working with our students.

Nicky looks at me and then watches Scott walk away. “Miss Elizabeth, why is Mr. Scott going to see you tomorrow night? You won’t be at the center at night, it’s closed. Why does he want to know what you want to eat?” Nicky’s brows are furrowed as he tries to figure this scenario out.

“Nicky, Mr. Scott asked me out on a date. We are going to watch a movie and eat dinner.” I try to say it gently yet in a way that Nicky can understand.

Nicky is NOT happy. His brows furrow even more.
“But, Miss Elizabeth, what about Nate? I don’t think he’d like you going on a date with Mr. Scott. You’re supposed to marry Nate and give him babies.”

“Oh, Nicky, you know that Nate isn’t my boyfriend any more. I’m not saying that we won’t ever date again, but, for right now, I can date other people, and I choose to date Mr. Scott.” It hurts my heart to see Nicky so confused and upset, but this is real life, and I can’t lie to him just to protect him.

Nicky frowns and shakes his head before walking away. Something tells me that Nicky won’t give up on this. He’s very determined when he wants to be.