For Nicky (16 page)

As time has passed, I continue to love my job; some days I feel like it’s the only thing that keeps me sane.  I am learning A LOT about myself talking to my therapist and Audrey is making great strides too.  She spent a month inpatient at a center where they did intense daily therapy to work through her issues. I’ve not been privy to all that went down and I get the feeling that A LOT went down. Audrey is what I’d call a work in progress. She’s so much better, but it’s like the process of getting better opened up a lot of bad things that she’s having to deal with to continue getting better. She’s back home now, but she met with a therapist 5 days a week for a while. She’s down to three days a week right now, but she’s happier and things are better. She’s had a few relapses which have shaken things up. She’s not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect, and I don’t expect it to be, but I’d consider Audrey a friend now. It just makes me sad that she’s dealing with some obviously heavy stuff. I hope that one day she feels comfortable enough to let me know about some of it, just so she doesn’t have to be the only one shouldering it.

Nate and I are exclusively dating, and we spend as much time together as possible. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my therapist, and Nate has his own therapist too. We’ve also been to a couple sessions together. I wasn’t exactly sure we were doing the right thing when we decided to take the chance on us again; we were apart for a month or two, but it seemed like the heartache was just too agonizing when we were apart, and it wasn’t as excruciatingly painful when we were together. So, we are taking another shot at whatever we had started building before Audrey made a mess of things.

I’ve learned more about believing in myself and standing up for myself. I’m better at this some days than on other days. I’m also learning how to confront someone without it seeming like it’s automatically going to turn into an argument or something uncomfortable. Nate has had a lot to deal with, starting first and foremost with the rape. He had to first admit that he was raped, and it took him a while to be able to say that in therapy. It was like saying it made it too real. Nate and Audrey have had a few sessions together both with her therapist and with Nate’s. Audrey had to do a lot of searching and questioning on her own before she could bring herself to admit what she had done and apologize to Nate. Nate accepted her apology and felt like she was totally sincere. But, I know that it will be a long time, if ever, before Nate fully trusts Audrey again. I am so proud of him and I know that he’s willing to accept Audrey only because of me. It makes me smile to know that he would put up with my sister because of his feelings for me.

Nate is growing so much through his therapy. The first months dealt mostly with the Audrey situation, but then they moved on to Nate’s anger and bullying and lashing out at those who threaten Nicky or others like him. The therapist first told Nate that letting go of anger is one of the hardest things because “your anger is the only weapon you’ve ever had against feelings of powerlessness.” That made a lot of sense to Nate because he did always feel powerless against the way Nicky was treated, and his anger made him feel like he was at least doing SOMETHING to stop it. Nate is learning to identify triggers to his anger and healthier ways to deal with those feelings. He’s learned that his anger stems from people being disrespectful and hurtful to Nicky and others with disabilities. He’s learning to speak to people in a more peaceful way while still trying to educate them on why their words and actions are so harmful. He’s running more and playing more hoops to take out the anger. He helps Dale at the hobby store, and he’s built quite the model train set while learning to deal with his anger. He’s also had Nicky come to his sessions a couple times. Nicky told him that he doesn’t like when other people are mean, but he doesn’t let it hurt him because those people “just don’t know me and they don’t understand.” Hearing Nicky say that he didn’t NEED Nate fighting for him, he just needed Nate to be there and love him, was a huge step in Nate learning to stop lashing out at people.

Nicky is such an amazing man. He is child-like in many ways, yet he’s wiser than most of us in others. He doesn’t let himself get caught up in drama and worrying about his self-image. He is happy to have a job and perform it well. Nicky is thrilled to have his family around him and he loves spending time with his friends at the center. He’s a simple man, but he’s also one of the most incredible, marvelous men I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I’m honored to call him a friend.

Nate is awesome and a complete gentleman.  We’ve been on picnics, ice skating, to the movies, the symphony, to a play, on hikes, bike rides, and to dinner.  Nate treats me like a princess, and we’ve shared quite a few more kisses which have led to some heavier making out on the couch.  However, I feel like Nate is holding himself back.  Which, in a way, is sweet of him because I’m not sure I’m ready for sex yet (am I?) after everything that’s gone on, but I’d sort of like to see where else we could venture to. I’m pretty sure the next person I have sex with will be Nate. But will it be now?
Or later? I don’t know! If I’m being honest with myself, part of me isn’t ready for the sex thing because of what happened with Audrey. But, in therapy, we’ve all talked about this. And by all, I mean ALL. Nate and I have talked about it. Nate and Audrey have talked about it. Audrey and I have talked about it. There’s been some healing. But, for now, I’m letting Nate sort of guide where we go, because I know he’d never take me somewhere I don’t want to go.

Sex or no sex, this weekend we are going to dinner and dancing.  I’m for sure wearing my sexiest undergarments, and I’ve made sure to get a wax before the date. I’m not sure where the night will end, but I want to be prepared. Honestly, I’m trying not to get ahead of myself, and I know this is only my second actual relationship, but I could totally fall in love with Nathaniel Morgan.  He’s everything I’ve always dreamed of.  Who am I kidding? After the months I’ve spent with Nate, I have to be honest with myself and say I’m completely head over heels in love with him.  But, I don’t feel like I can tell him yet.  Isn’t it too much? 
Too soon?  I mean, it seems like we had just decided we’d try us again after what Audrey did to us and now I’m thinking I’m in love?

“Hey, Nicky, Miss Audrey is here.  She says she’s here to play some video games with you then she’ll take you home.  You ok with that, buddy?” I spoke to the back of Nicky’s head as he sat in my living room playing Mario Kart on my couch.

“Yeah, Nate, Miss Audrey needed a friend, so I’m her friend.  She’s not very good at video games, but I’m teaching her.” That’s Nicky for you, honest to a fault. He paused his game and prepared to turn it into a two player game.

Audrey laughed and said, “Hey!  I’m not that bad, am I?”

Nicky replied, “Yes, you are really bad, but don’t worry, I’ll teach you.  Bye Nate.  Tell Miss Elizabeth hi for me! And ask her if she’s ready to marry you and give you babies yet!”

I chuckled and walked out to my Jeep.  It was a strange but good feeling knowing Audrey was with Nicky.  I think getting to know Nicky will be really good for Audrey.  She’s making a lot of progress with owning her past bullying and being more comfortable around people with differences.  It wasn’t overnight and she’s not ready to be out in public with Nicky yet, but she’s enjoying their video game nights. She’s starting to be a regular at my place whenever Nicky is there.  At first, I wasn’t thrilled with it, but Libby and I both see the changes Audrey is striving to make, so I deal with Audrey being there.  Luckily, I’m still in therapy over what Audrey did to Libby and me. And, I’m working on owning my own threatening/bullying past. I want to work past this Audrey thing and forgive her. I want Libby to have her sister. I want Nick to have friends. So, I accept Audrey being at my place. I don’t 100% trust her yet, and I won’t be taking drinks from her EVER, but I deal with it.
For Libby, Audrey, me, and, most importantly, for Nicky.

As for Libby and me, things are great.  Maverick would beg to differ.  He’s like a dog in heat.  He’d never been all that interested in the girls I went out with before. He was a lot like
me, he got what he wanted from them, but didn’t really think about them much. With Libby he’s perpetually pissed off at me because he’s VERY interested and he wants a lot more than what he’s getting right now.  I purposely keep things slow with Libby.  Maverick and I have gotten a lot more acquainted with each other lately and we’ve taken way more cold showers than in the past.  In the past, I was getting all the sexual release I wanted, and I had never felt the need to take things into my own hands or cool things down with cold showers after dates.  Everything with Libby is just different.  I love everything about her.  I love her body, but I think I love her mind and personality even more.  She’s so very kind with everyone.  She’s shy, but so herself around me and my family.  She’s witty and funny and thoughtful.  I also think I’ve started seeing glimpses of a little sex kitten under that quiet exterior. I want so very much to go a little further, but I don’t want to scare her.  Speaking of scaring her, it would scare her senseless if I admitted I’m falling in love with her, right?  Sure it would because it scares the crap out of me.  I guess we’ll just do dinner and dancing tonight and see where it goes.

I told Libby we’d get dressed up a little more than our usual dates for tonight, so I’m excited to see what she’s wearing.  I’m guessing Audrey helped which is a bit frightening, although Audrey
HAS been toning down the tight, bright clothes lately.  I’m happy to see Audrey and Libby’s relationship is healing and each of them as individuals is healing, too.  It’s no secret that bullies act out and target others because of something going on with them, so I’m glad Audrey is meeting with a therapist to work through things.  I’m a little scared that the therapy has unearthed some really bad shit, but it’s not been shared with me at this point, so I’m only speculating. It’s also a fact that people who are bullied can suffer effects for a lifetime, so I’m thrilled Libby is getting help.  I’m also proud of the changes I’ve been making in therapy. I don’t want to be the threatening/bullying man I was before. I did it for Nicky, but now I realize that I wasn’t going about it in the right ways. So, now, I’m changing. For myself, for Libby, and for Nicky.

I’ve been lost in thought as I drive to Libby’s apartment, but as I pull up I get that now familiar knot in my stomach at the anticipation of seeing my Libby girl.

I sneak a peek out the window.  Nathan is drop dead gorgeous all the time, but tonight I notice his hair is a little longer in front than usual and he’s styled it all messy which makes me just want to run my fingers through it.  He has on dark washed jeans that hang on his hips just right and I’m already sure they hug his backside perfectly.  He’s wearing an electric blue button up with the sleeves rolled up to ¾ length.  His shoes are totally Nate, dark gray tennis shoes that are dressier than normal tennis shoes with their blue laces and accents.  I swear the man has shoes for every outfit.

I’m feeling really good in my outfit.  Audrey had insisted I come over to her place to try on clothes.  Since I’m a lot taller than Audrey, and she’s a lot bustier, it took a while to find the right dress for my date tonight. We had a good time laughing and talking. I’m so thrilled that I just used the words good time and laughing in the same sentence as the name Audrey; I feel like I’m getting my sister back.  Audrey is wholeheartedly on board with Nate and me dating. She’s making so many changes in her own life. One of the biggest changes is that she seems to be toning things down in both the clothing and the dating departments.  She says she needs time to figure herself out. I think there have been a few relapses in her tendency to use sex, but she recognizes it, admits to it, doubles up on the therapy, and moves on. She doesn’t dwell on it as a negative; I can see her really working hard to win in this recovery process.

During our sister bonding time, I shared that I’ve fallen head over heels for Nate, and Audrey just smirked a knowing look and gave me a hug. When I asked what she was smiling about she quipped, “I’m just happy for you. And I’m glad I’m here for you to share that with me. I know I’ve said thank you, but seriously, Beth, I owe you my life for saving me from myself.” Audrey turns away quickly which is her tell-tale sign that she’s getting a little teary eyed. “Ok, let’s get you all sexed up for your Mr. Morgan.”

She made me strip to my underwear, and I thought she’d pass out when she saw my red satin and lace bra and thong.  Tonight I’m going for black, but red was good for
the daytime.  After recovering from her shock, Audrey brazenly asked how I keep my bikini area so clear.  I mumbled something about waxing and she jumped up yelling SHUT. UP! She actually pulled my panties to the side to check it out. I guess this is normal sister stuff? After over half of my life consisting of Audrey treating me as if I was as insignificant as a gnat, having her all up in my girly bits was a little unnerving, but it was over with pretty quickly once she had seen proof that what I said was true. After shaking her head, she whistled and said she didn’t think I had it in me. She chuckled and said that Nate will bust a nut when he sees what’s under my dress.  Whatever that means.

So, my dress is black and off the shoulders.  It’s fitted from bust to waist and then has a flared
flowy skirt.  It stops above my knees.  My underwear is an all-black lace thong and a matching strapless black lace bra.  My hair is up with pieces hanging strategically and I put my contacts in.  My makeup is only slightly heavier than normal.  My shoes are pretty great; they are electric blue patent leather heels and they look perfect with Nate’s shirt and shoes.

When Nate knocks, I wait a full 30 seconds before opening the door, and I’m pleased to hear his breath catch.  I hear, “Holy shit, Libby.” and I’m pretty sure he said something about someone named Maverick. “You are by far the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen. I want to keep you here all night because I don’t want all the other guys out there looking at you!” Nate catches my chin and leans in for a scorching hot kiss.  “But since we have reservations, we should get going.” As we walk toward the Jeep, I know he’s checking out my legs when he slows a bit, growls, and then catches up with me to put his hand on the small of my back.  I’m touched that he put the top up on the Jeep out of consideration for my hair, although I really do love to feel the wind whip through it as we drive!

Dinner was awesome.  I love Italian and Torey Hope has a great little authentic family owned place.  We had an absolutely perfect wine and split an entrée so we’d have room to split a dessert.  As we wait for the waiter to return with Nate’s card, I fiddle with the table cloth and take a deep breath. I’ve decided to be pretty forward tonight; I’m so shy around most, but with Nate, it’s so simple to just say what I want to say, plus I’m learning in therapy to be more assertive.  So, I jump right in, “Listen Nate, I know you’ve been taking things slow for me, and I appreciate it.  I don’t know that I’m 100% ready for sex, but I want to go farther than kissing.  If you’re okay with that? Maybe we can play it by ear, but you’re more than welcome to sleep over tonight.”

Nate was silent for a moment,
then he grabbed my hand and said, “Libby-girl, I’m more than ok with that.  If I stay, and you can be the decision maker on that one, I have a gym bag in the Jeep.  We don’t even have to consider sex tonight; I’ll be in heaven if I can just hold you close to me all night long.  Speaking of holding you, let’s get to the club so we can dance and I can show off my beautiful girl.” Nate leans in for a soft kiss. I run my hands up into his hair and pull him closer. He doesn’t wear cologne, but the scent that assaults my senses is all Nate. All male, rough, and sexy. I moan into his mouth as his tongue runs across my lip. Nate pulls back slowly with his eyes still closed and clears his throat. Once he seems to have himself collected, we stand to leave; Nate pulls me into his side, leans down, and whispers in my ear that we need to get out of the restaurant before we are thrown out for public displays of indecency. I can only smile as I snuggle into him. I blush a little as I think of some of the other indecent displays we could occupy ourselves with.