For Nicky (14 page)

I walked out of Nate’s place with a heavy heart and a racing mind. I know I gave him good solid reasons, but I was already questioning every single one of them. Audrey knew some highly questionable people, I’m sure she could get drugs in a heartbeat. Nate wasn’t much of a drinker so three glasses of wine in that time span would have been totally unlike him. On the other hand, Nate’s a bigger guy, three glasses of wine shouldn’t have messed him up that badly. Third, Audrey hasn’t ever physically hurt me, but she’s controlled my life and hurt me emotionally all my life, well, at least since Mom died. Audrey was very irritated with Nate and me being together. She was irate that Nate put her in her place and stood up for me, especially in front of people.

But, NO, she’s still my sister, I know she’d never hurt me like this.

Would she?

On my walk home, I decided I’d take a day or two to contemplate things,
then I’d go talk to Audrey. I already missed Nate like crazy, but there was no way of us moving on if Audrey was still controlling my life. I felt like a heart-to-heart with Audrey would be hard but necessary.

Two days later, I was running around the track, and my brain and heart had yet to find resolution. I had seen that Nate was running at the park so I decided I’d run here instead. Seeing him had my heart hurting and my brain churning. I kept going over things in my mind….Audrey asking us over when she obviously didn’t like the idea of us together, Audrey insisting we drink her wine, the phone call from the shipping company, Nate seeming so out of it, me feeling so horrible that night and the next morning from just one glass of wine? My mind
kept wanting to make connections, like a dot-to-dot picture, but my heart kept shutting down the lines I was trying to draw between the dots. My mind was trying to solve a puzzle, my heart was trying to save me from major heartache.

Ugh, Max keeps texting me. He says I owe him one more round for the amount of drugs he gave me. I know this guy and he won’t give up. Plus, he could quickly get me in trouble if he told anyone that I’d bought drugs from him. Ok, in reality, I traded sex for drugs, but either way, I could be in trouble. I could have gone out and found some sex, but since Max was eager and I wouldn’t need to suffer through a date, I told him he could come over tomorrow, but with some stipulations. One, he had to give me a few more pills just in case I would ever need more. Two, he had to park somewhere else and walk to my place and come to the back door. I can’t have anyone seeing me with him. I may have sex with a lot of random people, but I have to keep my reputation clean, and Max would definitely sully a clean rep.

Today is the day I plan on having a heart-to heart with Audrey. I didn’t call to let her know I was coming over. Part of me is hoping she’s not home, part of me thinks that she has less time to think of excuses if she’s surprised when I get there. Yeah, most of me is hoping she’s not home. I hate confrontation, and I know Audrey is automatically going to get defensive and probably start lashing out. When Audrey starts lashing out, I’m usually her first target. I’m not planning on blaming her for things, I just want her to know how hurt I am by her actions over the years and that I just want a good relationship with my sister. Ugh, I had planned out what I was going to say, but now my head and heart are a jumbled mess. Am I really going to do this? It’s like I’m poking a hibernating bear…..very dangerous. Audrey will turn this all around on me, and I’ll leave feeling horrible about myself. Maybe this is a bad idea. No, I think of Nate and Nicky, and I know I have to do this. Getting to know Nicky and watching his confidence in himself has taught me to stand up for myself. Nate has taught me that I’m worth more than Audrey’s treatment of me. I will do this. I just need to sit and gather my thoughts. I pick a grassy spot outside of Audrey’s apartment under her kitchen window. I settle in to re-plan what I’m going to say to her in hopes of not setting her off yet still getting my message across. I just want a sister, a friend. And I want to stop having to walk on eggshells around her wondering when she’s going to hurt me again.

As I’m sitting under Audrey’s kitchen window, I observe that she has left it open. Audrey has a nasty habit of smoking on occasion. I notice she only does it when she’s feeling the most stressed or something is bothering her. She must have been smoking in her kitchen and opened the window to keep the smell out. I’m sitting there and I hear Audrey and a male voice.

“Listen, bitch, the amount I gave you goes for much higher than one measly fuck! You can either give me the money, or we can take another stab at a different form of payment. I’m thinking a blow job and letting me pound that pretty pussy once more would cover it all.”

Oh. My. God! Who was this man? What payment is he talking about? Surely Audrey will tell him to shove it and get out. I’m wondering if I should call the police or bust in there and save
Audrey? Honestly, though, she doesn’t sound scared and I’m shocked yet disgustingly intrigued to figure out what is going on.

“Oh, Max, I think we can arrange payment easily,” Audrey purrs.  “However, for a blow job and another fuck, I’m going to have to ask for a few more pills. You know, just in case.”

WHAT. THE. HELL?! That was Audrey’s reply? Is she actually agreeing to sleep with some guy for pills? What are the pills for?? Who is this guy? I stay seated on the grass under her kitchen window, listening in on this conversation as if I’m living in an alternate universe where I’ve been dropped into a very low rate soap opera.

“Listen up, before you do something stupid and kill someone, bitch. You can’t go slipping these pills in people’s drinks every time you need something to go your way. You can’t be sure of their reaction to the drug and different people react differently each time. The first time you slipped these things to your victims may have went the way you wanted it to, but the next time could have very different results. I don’t recommend going around drugging people just to get things to work out your way. But, I can see I’m talking to a stubborn bitch and I doubt you’ll change your ways. However, I will give you what you want, on one condition. I want your mouth sucking my cock and I want to fuck your ass before I get to that pretty pussy. Do we have a deal?” I hadn’t seen Max yet, but from the crude words he used and the dirty sound of his voice, I was guessing he was greasy and filthy.

“Max, I appreciate your concern. I don’t plan on needing to drug them anymore, but I want the security of knowing I’ve got the pills just in case I need them. Besides, you were right about the dosing the first time. Nate was completely out of it and Beth was loopy enough to fall for the phone call. Neither of them seem to remember a thing. If they knew something, they would have been here by now or I would have heard something. I will stick to the same dosage if I ever need to use the pills again. You drive a hard bargain, but since I don’t have the type of cash you’d need, I guess you have yourself a deal. But let’s make this quick, I have things I need to do today. And, we can do it right here in the kitchen. I don’t need you in any other part of my house. ”

I felt like I was going to throw up. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I knew I should get up, but I didn’t think my legs could hold me. My world just came crashing down around me as I listened.  My sister, the person who should have been my best friend, the person who I always hoped would eventually come around to loving me again, the person who has humiliated me over half of my life, is going to trade sex for drugs.
Again. Drugs that she just admitted to using on Nate and me. There are so many things wrong with this picture. My mind is racing like a Formula One car. How should I handle this? Bust in? Call the cops? Call my dad? Pretend it didn’t happen? Text Nate letting him know he was right? I can’t seem to come to a decision, so I just sit there, under the kitchen window, numb and defeated. My own sister. My own sister drugged me. My own sister purposely had sex with my boyfriend in front of me. Again.

As I sat there, with thoughts bouncing through my head like rabid
ping-pong balls, the sounds of Audrey’s payment floats through the window. Audrey seems to be just getting it over with, but this Max guy seems to be totally enjoying himself.  A deranged part of me can’t help but think that I’ve only had crappy sex with one guy and my sister is getting ready to have some random guy fuck her ass……for pills…..to drug me……to keep me from having a boyfriend…….this is beyond fucked up. I turn and pop my head up to the window in time to see Max leaning against the counter, his hands directing Audrey’s head on his, uh, self. I quickly sit back down, sure that I’ll vomit if I watch any more. Not only am I sick over the vile information that is now tainting my mind like toxic sewage, but I was right about Max. In the brief glimpse I got of him, his long, stringy, oily hair hung in his face and his skin had the grimy pallor one would expect of a drug user. His clothes were stained and gave the appearance of being long unlaundered. The worst part of the whole scene that had unfolded before me was that my sister had him in her mouth and it appeared she was going to allow him to use her body in whatever way he demanded. How was this even possible? When had this become my life? This type of sordid story didn’t happen to regular, every day type people. I feel as if I’m trudging through someone else’s nightmare. I sit there for a few more minutes, tuning out everything around me. All too soon, I come back to myself and shake my head as if to clear away the cesspool of filth that has seeped into my pores.

The shock doesn’t wear off, I’m not sure it ever will. The disbelief of what I’ve just witnessed merges with anger to become extreme outrage.
Outrage at Audrey. We both lost our mother. We both lived with a dad who certainly could have done a lot better raising us. We both moved around a lot. Why does she get to screw with the lives of other people? Why does she get to bully and power her way through life? Why does she get to control my life and my happiness? Why does she feel the need to whore around to get what she wants? Within the next 30 seconds of sitting there, my outrage turns into an almost violent hatred. I’ve never done a single thing to deserve this treatment. I deserved to have friends and boyfriends and dances and kisses while growing up.  Audrey took all of that from me. I deserve to have a man love me now; I won’t let Audrey take that from me this time. I don’t know if Nate and I can save any of what had started between us, but I won’t stand by and let Audrey get away with this. I need a little more time to plan this total confrontation out, but I can’t leave here today without being sure that Audrey knows I’m aware of what she’s done. I get to my feet and walk to the little side door which enters her kitchen. I feel as if I’m in another world; it’s as if I’ve left my body and I watch myself prepare to come face to face with Audrey. I open the door; not trying in the least to be quiet. A sick feeling washes over me as I take in the obscene spectacle before me. Audrey, on her knees, Max buried in her ass. Audrey with a pinched and pained look on her face, like this is less than pleasant, but Max is grunting and groaning like a pig in mud.

Audrey is in desperate need of help. I can see this now, through my rage and hatred, I recognize that my baby sister is in dire need of urgent help. I am witnessing just how far into trouble she has gotten herself. This is the definition of rock bottom. She just gave a blow job to a drug dealer who is now fucking her ass on her kitchen floor as payment for pills she used to drug me. I’m not passing judgment here, but it’s evident that Audrey is far beyond anything a little confrontation with me may solve. She needs professional help. I will help her, but it’s going to have to be the tough love type help. I’m through with being her victim. I’ve done it for too long and something inside me has snapped today. I won’t suffer at her hand any more. I’ve never seen things as clearly as
I do right now. It’s like hearing and seeing all of this removed a pair of rose-colored glasses that I didn’t realize I was wearing and forced me to see the true situation. I don’t know what has caused Audrey to arrive at this point in her life. I’m sad that I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. I guess I was too busy being her target. The one thought I have before I make my move is that this is all probably going to get worse before it gets better. What’s worse than what I’ve watched Audrey do over the years, most recently what she did with Nate, and the scene unfolding right in front of me? Is there worse than this? That’s what terrifies me.

I clear my throat and both heads snap up to look at me. Max leers at me, perspiration beading on his upper lip and forehead. “Who the
fuck are you? I’ll gladly give you some of this too, Sugar, just let me finish this one off.”

“Beth! What the hell!? Can’t you see I’m a little busy?” Audrey, the pain and mortification evident in her voice, tried to sound tough but, in her position, it’s hard to seem like you’re in control.

“Audrey, I’ve been sitting outside your window for about half an hour, trying to work up the nerve to come talk to you about the way you treat me and, more specifically, about what you did to Nate and me the other night. Imagine my surprise when I heard you and Max here talking about sex for pills and drugging Nate and me. I am not prepared to continue this conversation today, in light of this new information.  But, make no mistake, I will be back. You need help, Audrey. There is definitely something wrong, and I want to help fix it. But it’s going to suck for a while. You go ahead and finish what you’re so busy with. And then, spend the next few days wondering when I’ll return. This isn’t over.” I turn and walk away, leaving Audrey to sweat it out for a while, but not before I see Audrey’s eyes flare in the split second before her head drops. I hear Max chuckle in a sinister way and say, “Nu-uh, bitch, we had a deal and I haven’t even gotten in that pussy yet. Turn over. You can deal with whatever THAT was on your own time. This is my time and I plan on using every single pussy pounding second of it.”

I have never in my life stood up to Audrey.
Never issued her an ultimatum. Never uttered a threat toward her. I feel nauseated at what I’ve learned and what I witnessed and at what is to come. I feel like I’ve been infected by Audrey’s abject debauchery. But, convolutely, I also feel freedom like I’ve never known before. Like I just shook off chains and shackles that Audrey had placed on me years ago. Like I can stand up for myself and not let Audrey control my life and hurt me. In a circuitous way, I’m grateful for what I discovered today. It was painful, but it was also the key to my new beginning.