For Nicky (11 page)

I’ve been pissed at a lot of people over the years. Pissed at myself for not being able to protect Nicky. Pissed at the bullies who made fun of Nicky. Pissed at the adults who ignored it or let it happen. But I’m not sure I’ve ever been so pissed at someone as I am at Audrey right now. The shit she said to Libby is so over-the-top. She and I had unremarkable sex one time. I barely remember anything about it, except the overwhelmingly cloying scent of Audrey’s perfume, which still makes me sick to my stomach. There was nothing special about it. Why is she lying about it being great and rubbing Libby’s face in it? Can she really not stand to see her sister happy? Why would she care, it’s clear that she and I were not going to work out.

I hug Libby then turn her so she can see me. “Libby, I need you to know, Audrey meant absolutely nothing to me. None of the women I’ve been with ever meant anything. I know this sounds bad, but I never looked at them beyond just a means to an end. I needed a physical release and they had what I needed. I never led them on, never promised them more. They knew where things stood from the very beginning. I’m not proud of my whoring around, but I need you to know this so you can understand that Audrey has no part of me. I don’t even remember the sex beyond that sick perfume she wears. IF you and I decide to take things further, it will be perfect between us. I’ve never felt about a girl the way I feel about you. Hell, I’m so into you that I’m willing to wait for sex.
I’m having picnics and sending flowers and sappy emails. You are so much more, Libby. Can we please forget Audrey and start over so that we can spend a perfect day together?”

Libby nods her head and I get up from the couch and walk out the door. I know she’s probably wondering what the heck I’m doing. I grin to myself as I picture her confused face. I close the door and then wait for 10 seconds and knock on the door. Libby opens the door with a huge smile on her face. “Hey, Libby-girl, you look freaking fantastic. You ready to head out?” I can tell that Libby appreciates my attempt at
salvaging what Audrey tried to ruin. “Hi, Nate. Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go!” The smile she gives me makes me feel like I’m ten feet tall and bullet proof.

We walk to my Jeep, and I open Libby’s door. I steal a quick kiss before shutting her door and heading around to my side. I planned on talking to Libby about making this thing we have be something more official. But now I worry that she will think I’m doing it to make her feel better after what Audrey said to her. I guess I’ll see how things play out after the movie.

We arrive at the theater and get our tickets. I love that Libby wants a large buttery popcorn and large drink. I hate when girls try to convince you that they don’t eat. I can’t help but smile at Libby’s comment about the more butter the better. Luckily, the theater isn’t terribly crowded so we have pretty good choices on seats. I let Libby pick our seats and I’m thrilled that she’s picked off to the side away from all others. Nothing wrong with wanting to sit in a private corner with my girl. The previews show a few movies that I can tell Libby would like and I am mentally making plans for us to go watch them when they come out. The movie we are watching today is an action comedy and Libby is excited to see it. The lights dim and Libby and I settle in to enjoy our popcorn. I notice that she put her drink on the left-hand side of her and mine is on my right-hand side, perfect for holding hands in the middle. Good Lord, am I in high school? Getting nervous planning on how to hold a girl’s hand in the dark theater? Or should I put my arm around her? THIS is one reason I don’t date, this is too nerve wracking. We finish all the popcorn we can stomach for now, and I set the bucket down. Libby giggles a little at the amount of butter she needs to wipe off of her hands. She rests her arm on the divider between us, like she wants me to hold her hand. Why am I questioning this? Just grab her hand, Morgan. Stop being such a pussy. I’ve made out with the girl, holding her hand shouldn’t be that big of a deal. I grab her hand a little more forcefully than I mean to and Libby jumps. I give her a sheepish smile and we settle in for the rest of the movie. I love that we came to watch a comedy because it means I get to hear Libby laugh. She has a fabulous laugh. Three-fourths of the way through the movie, I realize that our arm-rest comes up so I slide it up and pull Libby closer to my side. Seriously, could this be any more perfect? And, could I be any more of a total sap? A year ago, heck, 3 months ago, I would have laughed in anyone’s face who told me I’d be on a date with a girl I’d not had sex with.

At the end of the movie, we gather up our trash and head down the stairs. Some assholes in front of us are talking loudly about the movie, “What about that scene with the retard!? That was hilarious!”

I grab his arm and turn him around, “Hey, man, how about you watch your language?”

The guy jerks his arm away and laughs, “Fuck off, man, I can say whatever I want to say! There’s nothing wrong with the word ‘retard’!”

He starts to walk away, but I catch him before I stop to think what I’m doing. I push him against the wall and say, “Yeah, well, I find the word offensive and you need to shut the fuck up before I shut you up.”

I feel Libby’s hand on my shoulder. I let the asshole walk away saying some shit about security. “God, Libby, I’m sorry, but I can’t stand that word! I hate jerks like that who are so offensive with their comments. What if someone with disabilities
were around or their family members? It’s so rude!”

Libby nods her understanding and we continue out of the theater. She’s quiet for a while and I fear I’ve scared her, but soon she grabs my hand and things return to normal.

After all that popcorn, we decide that we’d rather go bowling first, then grab dinner after that. It’s so cute to watch Libby put on her bowling shoes, I can tell she’s not thrilled with them when she wrinkles up her adorable little nose. I think it’s mostly she doesn’t like the idea of someone else’s sweaty feet being in them before her. I choose my ball pretty quickly. I laugh at how Libby just HAS to have a lightweight AND pretty ball. She settles on a lighter purple sparkly ball. Once we’ve chosen the right balls, we set up our lane. Luckily, it’s all electronic scoring because there’s no way I could remember how to correctly score this game! I let Libby go first and her sweet butt is just too perfect as she walks up to let the ball go sailing. She gets three pins and comes back toward me laughing about being a little rusty. She ends up getting all but two of the pins on her next turn and seems happy with that score. I roll a strike which has Libby smiling and clapping for me. We each take a couple more turns, laughing and joking with each other. Libby’s fifth turn is a strike and she’s so excited I can’t help but grab her up in a big hug, “Way to go, Libby-girl!” When it’s my turn, I feel a swift smack on my ass and turn to see Libby smiling sweetly, “Good luck, Mr. Morgan!”

By the end of two games, one in which I let Libby win and one in which I totally whipped her, there had been a lot more hugs and ass smacking.  We were taking off our shoes and laughing when another group arrived at our lane. It was a bunch of college aged girls and they were making fun of someone. I don’t know if the object of their scorn was in the building or just someone they all knew, but it set me off. Hearing girls make fun of someone for being “fat” or “ugly” or a “nerd” was just too much for me because of the way Audrey treats Libby and because of the way others have treated Nicky his whole life. I couldn’t just stand there and take it.

“Hey, you’re being rude and my girl and I find your comments offensive, could you tone it down a bit?”

The girls looked at me and then started laughing, “Whatever! You don’t even know who we’re talking about so it’s none of your concern. It’s a free world so we can say whatever we want!”

I couldn’t let it go, so I lashed out, “You know, if there weren’t bitches like you in the world, it might be a nicer place for everyone!”

The girls gasped and Libby grabbed my arm. “Come on, let’s go! They’ll never get
it, don’t get in trouble trying to make them understand.”

Libby was quiet on the way to dinner. I hated that I had lost my shit on people twice on our date today, but I just couldn’t let people get away with rude/hurtful comments. I took Libby’s hand and she smiled at me. I could tell she was thinking about something but since she smiled at me and squeezed my hand, I figured it couldn’t be too bad. We decided on pizza. While we waited for the pizza to arrive, I reached across the table and grabbed Libby’s hands. “Libby-girl, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

I have to say I was shocked and dismayed at the way Nate acted toward people today. I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s sort of being just as bad as those other people with his threats and name calling. I don’t know how to approach talking to him about this. But, right now, Nate has my hands in his and he’s saying he wants to talk. He looks really nervous and I hope it’s nothing bad. Surely he wouldn’t have brought me on this date if he didn’t want to see me anymore. Would he? Dating is so nerve-wracking!

“Libby, I know we’ve only being seeing each other for a short while now, and I know neither of us is really experienced with this whole relationship thing, so I’m going to ask you something and you can take your time to answer, ok?” Nate clears his throat and starts and stops about three times before he finally gets his words out. Once the words start, they race out of his mouth like they’re on speed. “I love spending time with you. I think about you all the time. I want to share things with you. I want to know about your day. I want you to share things with me. I see something funny and want to tell you about it. I wake up thinking about you. I go to sleep thinking about you. I don’t want to screw this whole thing up because I really like spending time with you, but I was wondering what you’d think about taking this to the next level and calling this an official relationship. Like, you’d be my girlfriend? Don’t answer right now. Just think about it. Or you can answer now. Unless it’s no, then don’t answer. Wow
, this relationship stuff sucks.”

Nate is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! He’s so nervous asking me to be his girlfriend. I decide to tease him just a bit. “So, I’d be your girlfriend? What would you be to me?”

Nate grins. His blue eyes light up as he looks at me and he says, “Well, if you’d have me, I guess you’d call me your boyfriend.”

I could put him out of his misery right now, but I am honestly still thinking about his lashing out today, so I smile and say, “I’ll have an answer by the time you kiss me goodnight.”

The pizza arrives and Nate and I spend the rest of the meal chatting about everything from college to Nicky to favorite candy. I love Skittles and he’s a fan of Reese Cups. I love the way Nate’s eyes brighten when he talks about Nicky. The love between the brothers is evident and very strong. I am envious of that love. Will Audrey and I ever have that? I can recall a few times from our childhood, before Mom died, when we were close. I have a memory of us walking, hand-in-hand, from the school bus one afternoon. If that memory exists it means that Audrey hasn’t always hated me. I long to have my sister back, but has too much time passed? Are we too damaged?

Once Nate gets me back to my place, I’ve sort of run some things through my head. “Nate, I have an answer for you, but it’s more than just a simple yes or no, so would you like to come in for a while to talk?”

Shit. I don’t like this. She has an answer but wants to talk. Why do I feel like I’m getting ready to go back into the principal’s office and sit in that darn red chair again?

“Sure, Libby, I’ve got time. Let’s go talk.” Libby smiles at me before getting out of the Jeep. Well, at least she’s still smiling. That’s a good sign, right? Or maybe that was a sympathetic smile because she’s going to shoot me down. I’m nervous as hell that I just asked a girl to be my girlfriend for the first time ever. And, now, there seems to be the distinct possibility that she’s going to say no. Shit, cocky ass that I am, I never thought far enough ahead to think how badly this would suck if she turns me down.

We walk into her apartment and Libby gets us both some hot tea. I feel like a total sissy drinking hot tea but it’s actually good and reminds me of when my mom used to fix it for Nicky and me when we were sick. Maybe I better get some tea to keep at my house. For when Libby comes over. If she comes over. And, yeah, I’ll admit, I’ll probably drink some when she’s not there too.

“So, Nate, I noticed something today, and I want to talk to you about it. First, let me put you out of your worrying by letting you know that I definitely want to be your girlfriend.”

My smile makes her smile, but then she hesitates and says, “But, I’m going to ask you some things tonight that may make you not want to be my boyfriend so, here goes!”

Shit. What’s she going to ask me? What could make me not want to be her boyfriend? I’ve realized tonight that this is something I want more than anything I’ve ever wanted.

“Ok, Nate, tonight I watched you lash out at two different people and I saw a side of you that I’ve never seen and, honestly, I wasn’t very fond of it. You jumped all over Audrey for bullying me. You fight Nicky’s attackers. But, Nate, sweetie, you’re just as bad as them. You’re a bully, too.”

What? Bull shit.  I am not. I protect Nicky and those like him. I don’t bully people. I don’t. Do I?

“Nate, you called names and threatened violence. It may not be something you do to the same person over and over, but you’re bullying others to save those you love from being treated poorly and that’s not right. You are a bright, educated man. You can’t go around taking your anger out on stupid people. I want to be in a relationship with you, but I’m going to need you to do something for me, if you’re willing.”

It’s hard to sit here and listen to this. I don’t like being called a bully when I’ve worked so hard to protect Nicky, and now Libby, from that same type of treatment. But, if I push my pride out of the way long enough, I can see there’s some truth to what Libby is saying. Am I willing to do what she asks? I don’t know. But, I know I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep her by my side. So I tell her that and I get another kick to the gut when she smiles broadly at me.

“Well, what I want you to do is see a counselor or therapist to talk about your anger issues over the years. Find a better way to deal with those that make fun of Nicky and others. Would you consider seeing someone, Nate?”

I’m not sure about this, but her request isn’t too bad. So I nod in agreement and decide that I’ll call around tomorrow to see what I can figure out for getting some appointments set up. I guess if I’ve suggested that Libby see someone to help her with her Audrey issues, it’s only fair that she suggest I see someone to help me deal with my anger issues.

Libby seems satisfied that I’ve agreed and she sort of relaxes into me on the couch. We sit there for a while longer, it just feels good to have her in my arms. “So, BOYFRIEND, do you want to watch a movie or something?”

“Why, yes, GIRLFRIEND, that sounds like a lovely idea.”

Libby giggles and sets up the movie. I think we both know that it doesn’t matter what she puts in the DVD player, we won’t be doing much watching.