For Nicky (19 page)

One of the things Beth and I do at therapy is work on standing up for ourselves (in Beth’s case) and for others (in my case). We do a lot of role playing.  The therapist had us role play today.  I had to bully Beth so she could practice standing up for herself. This was really hard for me now that I recognized how badly I had treated Beth. Purposely playing the bully in our role playing was a true test of all that I was learning. But, knowing that it was helping Beth made it a little easier.

Our homework was role playing for me to practice standing up for others.  I wanted to take Nicky to the movies or for pizza, but I feared I’d seize up if someone insulted him around me or insulted me for being with him.  One thing I admire about Nick is his confidence and ability to stand up for himself, but I don’t want to be a bystander who lets a friend be insulted; I need to be able to stand up for Nicky (or anyone else) if someone insults him.

We got back to Audrey’s apartment after our therapy session about 5:30. Since Nate wasn’t going to pick me up until 6:00pm, we decided to do our role playing homework. I know Audrey really wants to get comfortable with this so she can take Nicky to the movies and pizza.  I know she’s working hard for this. 
For Nicky.

Before role playing, however, Audrey narrowed her eyes and studied me.

“What are you looking at, Audrey?”

“You totally had sex with Nathaniel Morgan! Don’t even try to deny it!”

I started to protest, but my cheeks flared, and all I could do is smile a mischievous grin. “Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. Ok, I did! Audrey, it was absolutely perfect. I love him so much.” A year ago, I never would have believed that I’d be in love with a fabulous man, having outstanding sex, and gushing to my sister about it.

Audrey wanted details, but I felt like that would be betraying what Nate and I shared, so I refused. Audrey relented after about 15 minutes of badgering me. She jokingly said we could also use this as homework to build up my resistance to her persistence. We finally put aside my sex life so we could finish our role playing.

Role playing isn’t my favorite activity. In fact, I despise it, but it’s a good way to let the other person practice responses in certain situations. And, since this was going to help Audrey be able to take Nicky out for a fun night, I did it. Anything for Nicky.

“Oh, hi, Audrey!
I haven’t seen you forever, girl! Who’s your friend?” I said in my character voice. I always play Sara when I’m being a mean girl and I make my voice as obnoxious as possible.

“Hi, Sara, this is my friend, Nick Morgan.” Audrey replied, playing her role.

“Um, Audrey, why would you be out with a guy like him? He’s retarded, Audrey! That’s so gross!” It took all of my determination to play this role. I hated it. I was disgusted using that word, but I knew it was what Audrey would face, so I had to make it as real as possible.

“Please, Sara, the r-word is derogatory and offensive, and I’m asking you to not call my friend that. And, like I said, Nick is my friend and we don’t need to be insulted by you. Come on Nick, let’s get our pizza. Have a nice evening, Sara.”

Well, that went well, however, I’m really glad it’s over. I always feel bad after I play that part. But I’m glad it’s helping Audrey stand up for others. This is good.  For Nicky.

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut; the earth felt like it shifted underneath me. I walked to Audrey’s door and heard voices floating through. I heard my sweet Libby say, and I quote, “Um, Audrey, why would you be out with a guy like him? He’s retarded, Audrey! That’s so gross!” Without even thinking, I turned and jogged to my Jeep. I couldn’t believe it, and I couldn’t be around Elizabeth right now.
I texted her that I was suddenly sick to my stomach, which wasn’t a lie, and I wasn’t going to be able to see her tonight. I drove to my parents’ house to spend the evening with them and Nicky. I guess I was wrong about Elizabeth.  How had I misjudged her so badly? Was it all just an act for me? She seemed to truly love me.  She seemed to truly care about Nicky and her other students. How could she be saying such hurtful things about Nicky? All my life I’d avoided people who were rude to Nick or who judged him. My heart was breaking, but I was going to have to let Elizabeth go. For Nicky.

Nate
: I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I won’t be able to see you tonight.

Wow! Nate must really be sick! His texts usually have lots of xoxo’s and at least an “I love you, Libby-girl!” but this was a very sparse text.

Libby
: Darn it! I was looking forward to our evening. Feel better soon. I love you.

I worried about Nate all night, especially when he never replied back to my text.

By the end of the week I was beyond worried. I was hurt and angry. Nate wasn’t answering my phone calls, and he was only giving one and two word replies to my texts. He said he was still feeling ill and was just really busy with team stuff. When I asked to see him, he’d have some excuse. I was feeling sick myself. I was so confused. I love this man; I gave him myself, he showed me off at church, we talked about a future, and now he’s ignoring me? I’m crushed and heartbroken and pissed. Was it all just an act?
A lie to sleep with me? Was I just another one of his girls he used for sexual release?

I felt a surge of hope on Friday night when a text buzzed on my phone. But the words were like a knife to my heart.

Nate
: Elizabeth, I can’t do this anymore. I heard the hateful words you said to Audrey about Nicky. I loved you beyond measure, and I trusted you, but you are truly no better than your bully of a sister if you’d use such hurtful words against Nicky or anyone like him. You sure had me going though. I thought you were the love of my life, but I was wrong. So very wrong. The thought of you ever saying those words to Nicky or where he could hear them, it tears me apart to think of how crushed he would be. So, for Nicky, I can’t see you again.

I couldn’t breathe. I dropped my phone and let the tears come. Hours later, I woke with a pounding headache and a broken heart. What just happened? I’m totally lost. I attempt to call Nate, but it says the number is no longer in service. My heart sinks as I realize he’s changed his number. I’ve lost him and I don’t even know what caused this.

“Miss Audrey, why is Miss Elizabeth so sad? And why is Nate so mad and sad? Why aren’t they spending time together? Nate says that Miss Elizabeth said mean things, but she couldn’t have because she’s not mean. I don’t like seeing them sad.”

“Nicky, I don’t have answers to those questions right now, but I’m determined to figure them out because I don’t like seeing them sad either.” Miss Audrey replied to me with a sad look on her face. I really hoped we could fix things with Nate and Miss Elizabeth. I loved them both very much and it made me very unhappy to see them so upset.

It’s been a month since I heard those horrible words come from Elizabeth’s mouth.  I am resolved to the fact that I can’t possibly be with someone who could potentially hurt my brother and others.  And, she hurt me so much too. But, God, I miss her so much. I’m miserable. I wish I could go back to that day and not hear those words. If I could have been 5 minutes later, I never would have heard what she said. I know it would still be bad because she still said them, but if I didn’t hear them maybe I could have continued on like the fool in love that I was. Because now I’m just the heartbroken
fool  and it sucks ass. Everyone around me knows something is wrong, but I refuse to talk about it. I can’t have Nicky crushed by hearing what Elizabeth said. I go to work and go home. I don’t even go play basketball because I’m so tense that I’m afraid I’ll lash out at the guys I play with. I spend every evening and weekend in a heartbroken fog of too much TV and too much sleep. My brain says I did the right thing, but my heart says I made the stupidest mistake of my life by letting her go. Could I have handled it differently? Should I have handled it differently?

One month since he abruptly said goodbye and broke my heart.  I don’t know his new number, and I’m too scared to go talk to his parents. If he hates me, they probably do too. I barely make it through each day. Luckily, I still see Nicky and he always makes me smile, but it’s bittersweet because it makes me think of Nate. Dodging Nicky’s questions has become more difficult. I know he’s confused, but I don’t know if I even know enough about what happened to explain things to him. If I’m not at work, I’m in PJs at home and in bed. I feel and
look like a zombie. A heartbroken, confused, dead inside zombie.

“Son, this has gone on long enough. Talk to me.” My dad sat at my kitchen table and issued his command. I didn’t want to tell him what had happened. I didn’t want to hurt my parents, but mostly I didn’t want to hurt Nicky. I know they’ll all be crushed to hear about Elizabeth’s words and her real attitude. Also, I felt foolish for falling so hard and fast for someone who obviously wasn’t who I thought she was. I realize we’d known each other for over 6 months, but we’d been through so much that it felt like we’d moved quickly. Now I feel like I gave her the gift of my heart, something I’d never given anybody else, and she trampled on it.  Not to mention I feel like a total baby’s ass for all of these emotions running rampant through me. I don’t show the emotions, but they are there and they hurt and piss me off. By keeping the pain inside, I can protect my family and myself. But, as I listened to Nicky play Mario Kart in the living room, I looked into my father’s eyes and realized he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Or, more like my mom had sent him to speak to me and SHE wasn’t taking no for an answer.

“Dad, I don’t want to talk about it. Long story short, I went to Audrey’s to pick Elizabeth up, and I overheard Elizabeth call Nicky retarded and gross. I can’t be with someone who would say such hurtful things about my brother or anyone else.  So, I’ve stopped seeing her. It’s over.”

My dad was quiet for a bit, mulling over what I told him. “Did you speak to Elizabeth about what you heard, Nathan?”

“No, Dad, she fooled me into thinking what we had was love, but she faked everything about the real her. There’s nothing to talk about. She knows I heard her ugly words, and she knows it’s over.”

“Nathaniel, I can see you’re pretty set in this decision, but let me say my piece. What I saw between you and Libby reminded me so much of what your mother and I have. It was easy and it was no doubt love. I hate that you’d give up on that without even having a face-to-face conversation. Also, it wasn’t that long ago that you had me
bailing your butt out of a total misunderstanding. I know Libby, and those words don’t seem like her at all. Have you given thought to the fact that you could have misunderstood?”

As I started to protest, Dad held up his hand and said, “Just give it some thought.”

After Dad and Nicky left, I sat there thinking.  Dad was right, what Elizabeth and I had was easy and it was love. But I know what I heard her say. I could never forget that or move past it. Could I?

“Dad, can you take me to Miss Elizabeth’s for a little while?” I needed to talk to her about the hurtful words she said about me. I heard Nate telling Dad while they thought I was playing video games. Dad seemed a little worried about me asking to go to Miss Elizabeth’s, but he eventually agreed.

When Dad dropped me off, I knocked and Miss Audrey answered the door. She told Dad that she would get me home a little later. I saw Miss Elizabeth on the couch, she looked so sad. But I was sad, too. I walked over and sat on the couch next to her. “Nate heard you say I was retarded and gross, Miss Elizabeth. He’s hurt and so am I. That’s why he’s not your boyfriend any more. Why did you say that word? Don’t you know how much that hurts me? I thought you were my friend?”

Miss Elizabeth and Miss Audrey looked confused and then Audrey gasped, “Oh my God, Beth! Nate heard us role playing!” Miss Elizabeth and Miss Audrey explained what their homework had been and why those words had been said. Miss Audrey and I thought it was good and Miss Elizabeth and Nate could fix it all right now. But Miss Elizabeth said it was still over and it was too late.

“Nicky, you and Nate have taught me to stand up for myself. If Nate could take what we had and throw it away without even a conversation, just his inaccurate assumptions about me, then he’s not the man I thought he was.”