Forever Black (18 page)
Authors: Sandi Lynn
I
wanted to throw the phone at the wall because I wasn’t looking forward to going
through that again.
“Me
too Dr. Taub, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I sighed and took a sip of my latte.
When
I got home later that day, Peyton had told me that Henry was taking her
somewhere special for dinner. I was truly happy for her that someone was worthy
of her heart, even if my own was shattered beyond repair.
“Guess
what else?” she jumped up and down. Henry asked me to fly to Colorado tomorrow
to meet his parents.”
I
looked at her, put on my happy face and jumped up and down with her. I didn’t
want to ruin her trip by telling her I was going to be starting chemo soon, so
I didn’t tell her about the phone call from Dr. Taub.
“Are
you going to be alright sweetie?” she pouted.
I
waved my hand in front of my face and walked over to the sink, “I’ll be fine.
I’m going to lose myself in my paintings, so don’t worry about me.”
She
hugged me tight. “Ok I have to go home and pack. We’ll be gone 2 weeks, so if
you need anything or you just want to talk, you better call me Ellery Rose
Lane. Do you understand me?” She grabbed her coat and opened the door.
“Peyton,”
I called.
“Yeah,”
she turned and looked at me.
“I’m
really happy for you; go have fun and keep in touch,” I spoke with a fake
happiness.
“Thanks
Elle, I will, I love you,” she yelled as she shut the door.
It
wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for her; I was. I was just feeling sorry for myself
because I screwed things up with Connor. How could I be so stupid? What the
hell was I thinking? I knew what I had to do and the first step was to
apologize to him.
I
called a cab and stepped out into the brisk night air. I had the cab driver
drop me off at the soup kitchen; I wanted to volunteer one last time before I
started chemo. Once I start, I can’t be around groups of people, especially the
homeless with their colds and illnesses. I volunteered for a couple of hours
and told Julius what was going on.
“Oh
Elle, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t
be Julius, I’ve been through it before and beat it, and I can do it again.”
He
high fived me, “That’s my girl. I know you will and if you need anything, anything
at all, you call me or anyone here, and we’ll be by your side in a flash.”
“Thanks
Julius, I will and tell your wife I said hi.” He flashed me a smile and nodded
his head.
“Hey
Jack, she’s good.”
He
stared at me and twisted his face, “What’s going on in that pretty little head
of yours? Are you thinking about a tat Elle?”
I
bit down on my bottom lip, “Yep, I sure am.”
“Come
sit over here. Let me finish her up, and then you’re next,” he winked.
The
girl sitting in the chair was getting a tattoo of angel wings on her left shoulder,
with the inscription, “Forever Yours.” I looked at her, “Nice tattoo?”
She
smiled over at me, “Thanks, it’s for my boyfriend. Tomorrow is his birthday,
and this is my way of letting him know I’m forever his and no one else can have
me.”
I
looked into her eighteen year old eyes, “Wow, forever huh?”
She
giggled, “Yeah, he said that we’ll be together forever.”
Jack
looked at me and rolled his eyes. I had to keep myself from laughing. He
finished her tattoo and gestured for me to sit in the chair. “What do you want
and where do you want it, Elle?”
I
held out both my wrists. I pointed to my left scar; “I want CONNOR on this one
and the Infinity symbol on this one,” I pointed to my right. “Make sure the
scars are totally covered.”
Jack
looked at me and frowned, “Who’s Connor?”
“It’s
a long story,” I shook my head.
“It’s
going to hurt Elle, you realize that right?”
“I
know it is Jack, let’s just get it over with.” Nothing could hurt me as bad as
I was already hurting.
Jack
was a great guy. He was one of those guys that had tattoos covering every inch
of both arms, down his chest and back. He was an artist like me, and he proudly
displayed his work. His black eyes matched his long dark hair which he
frequently wore back in a ponytail. He started with Connors name on my left
wrist. The sting was bearable. Don’t get me wrong, it felt like a thousand tiny
pins were being poked in me, but I’ve been through much worse. After a couple
of hours, Jack was finally finished. I looked at my wrists and smiled.
“The
redness will go away in a few days, just make sure you keep moisturizer on them
so it won’t itch as bad.
“Thank
you Jack, they’re beautiful.”
“Do
you have a ride home?” he asked.
“I’m
going to call a cab.”
He
looked at the clock. “It’s midnight; I’ll have Donny close up and I’ll take you
home.”
I
smiled, “It's ok Jack, really, I’ll just call a cab.”
He
grabbed his coat, yelled for Donny to close up and told me to get in his car.
“If
I’m not mistaken you live by my girlfriend, and I’m heading that way anyway;
it’s no problem.”
I
walked into my apartment, and first thing I did was grab my laptop, change into
my pajamas, climbed in bed and opened my email. The first step in getting on
with my life was apologizing to Connor, and I owed him a big one. I hit the
compose button as a blank page came up:
Dear Connor:
I
hope you’re reading this and didn’t delete it before you opened it when you saw
my name. If you are, then you’ll see this is my heartfelt apology to you. Words
cannot explain how sorry I am for not telling you about my illness from the
start. I never meant for us to get as close as we did for that very reason. The
night I took you home I had every intention of leaving and never looking back;
if I had, we wouldn’t have met and you wouldn’t be hurting right now. I will
never forgive myself for not telling you the truth. I believe in fate, and it
was fate that brought us together. I told you I was saved for a reason, and I
think it was to save you. You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you don’t
deserve to never love someone. You will never know what you’ve done for me and
how you’ve changed my life. I never would have experienced love the way I have
with you, because what you showed me, and how you made me feel, was a first for
me in my lifetime. I never loved Kyle. I was with him because he was there and
I was afraid of being alone. It is what my whole life was made of, loneliness.
My decision not to get treatment at the time was out of pure selfishness on my
part, and I’ve come to understand that now. I want to thank you for your love
and kindness. If I had one last breath left, I would use it to tell you how
much I love you, because I do and I always will. Love forever, Ellery.
Tears
filled my eyes as I hit send. I took in a deep breath, closed my laptop and
fell asleep.
I
threw on a pair of leggings, my pale pink long sweater and my black boots. I
put some curls in my long hair and applied some makeup for the first time since
Michigan. I opened my laptop and checked my email, nothing. I didn’t expect
there to be any reply from him, but one could hope.
I
called a cab and headed to Dr. Taub’s office for blood work. I examined my
wrists and smiled at the beauty of Connors name and the infinity symbol. I
entered the office building and took the elevator up to the fourth floor.
“Hi,
I’m Ellery Lane, and I’m here for some blood work,” I said to the young girl
behind the desk.
“Yes,
I have your file right here, I just need to copy of your ID.” I dug through my
purse and retrieved my driver’s license and handed it to her. She took notice
of my wrist with Connors name.
“Oh
my god, that is awesome,” she said.
I
smiled and thanked her as I showed her my other wrist. The scars were barely
noticeable, and for people who didn’t know, they wouldn’t see them. The nurse
called my name and took me back to the drawing station. She asked me if I was nervous
about needles and I laughed.
“I’ve
been through chemo before, so giving blood is nothing.”
She
managed to force a smile; I don’t think she thought that was too funny. She
drew 3 vials of blood and told me to have a good day.
I
left the medical building and decided to walk around for a while before calling
a cab and heading home. I walked a few blocks doing some window shopping when a
text came from Peyton,
“Hey
girl, on the plane, headed to Colorado, tell me you’re doing ok.”
I
smiled and replied as I walked down the street. Unaware of my surroundings,
because I was too engrossed in texting my best friend, I collided into someone.
“Oh
shit, I’m so sor…” I started to say as I looked up at the man I just ran into
head on. I took in a sharp breath and looked down, “Connor, I’m sorry I didn’t
mean…” I couldn’t even look him in the eyes; I was so ashamed. My heart started
pounding so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.
He
stood there staring at me, “No, it’s my fault I should have been paying more
attention.”
We
stood there in front of each other, awkwardly, with his hand lightly touching
my arm. I pulled away; the pain was too strong and I felt my throat closing up.
“I
have to go,” I mumbled as I turned the corner and didn’t look back. I reached
an alley way between buildings and I stood with my back against the brick
trying to catch my breath. All the emotions I tried to force away came flooding
back and bruising what was left of my soul.
I
ended up walking home which was about 10 blocks from where I was. I didn’t care;
I needed to try to clear my head. I walked through the door, panting and
completely exhausted. I made a pot of coffee, and as it brewed, I sat down in
front of my easel and continued my painting of the wedding in Central Park. I
wanted to get at least 2 more paintings finished before I started chemo. I was
up till 2am, and it was finally finished. I painted it with the vision of how I
would want my wedding to be; just a delusional thought from my head. I took my
brushes over to the sink and let them soak as I went to bed. Tomorrow, I would
paint a new picture.
Morning
had come and gone. I was woken up by my cell phone ringing, “Hello,” I sleepily
answered.
“Ellery,
it’s Dr. Taub. Your blood results came back, and I’m a little concerned about
your hemoglobin level. It’s a little low, but I’m going to go ahead and start
chemotherapy anyway. I’m going to schedule your first treatment one week from
today, but first I’m going to prescribe you some iron pills I want you to start
taking immediately.”
I
rolled my eyes, “Ok Dr. Taub, one week from today 9:00 am.”
I
looked at the clock as it read 12:00 pm; I couldn’t believe I slept in that
late. I put on a pot of coffee and rinsed my brushes. I took a quick shower and
got dressed. I noticed the pile of clothes lying in the laundry basket that
needed to be washed; I hadn’t done laundry in a while. I sighed as I picked up
the basket and set it by the door. I filled a mug with coffee and headed off to
the laundry mat; thank god it was only around the corner. After a couple of
hours, I finished my laundry and walked back to my apartment where I saw Kyle leaning
up against the door.
“What
do you want Kyle?” I yell before I approached the walkway. He was standing
there with his hands in his pockets staring at me.
“I
wanted to see how you were?”
“You
could have texted me, not just shown up here.”
This
is just what I needed; this asshole to ruin my day. I wasn’t in the mood, and I
needed to start painting.
“Here
let me help you,” he said as he took my key and opened the door. I walked in
and set the basket in my room. When I came out I noticed him staring at my
painting.
“Elle,
this is beautiful.”
“Yeah,
isn’t it? Now what do you want Kyle?”
I
was being mean, but I didn’t care; I loathed this boy standing in front of me
and for what he did.
“Like
I said, I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“Bullshit
Kyle; I’m fine, now you know; now you can leave.”
“Elle,
stop acting like this baby,” he said as he swiftly moved closer to me. Before I
knew it, his mouth was on mine. I pushed him away with force.
“What
the fuck are you doing?”
“Elle,
don’t fight it, I know you still love me and I want you so bad.” I stood there
in shock by his words and by his actions; I didn’t know what to say.
“Really
Kyle, you think I love you? Let me tell you something you scum sucking,
loathing little worm; you leaving me was the best thing that ever happened in
my life. I never loved you. You were a convenience for me, someone to fill the
lonely spot in my world.”