Forgiveness (4 page)

A
T THE CORE OF ALL JUDGMENTS THERE IS THE BELIEF THAT THINGS ARE NOT AS THEY SHOULD BE, AS WE WANT THEM TO BE, OR AS WE NEED THEM TO BE
.

After many years of late-night telephone calls that ended with one or both of us screaming at the top of our lungs, I put my foot down. I told my brother he was not welcome to call me if he was not sane and sober. In response, he did not call me … for five years. During that time I had to think long and hard about how harshly I had judged my big brother. I knew the intricate ins and outs of our childhood. I knew how sensitive my brother was and how deeply he had been hurt, damaged, and wounded by the bad behavior of the adults in our lives. I knew these things about him because I knew the same was true for me.

It took a while and a great deal of self-forgiveness for me to recognize that I, too, was an addict. I didn’t drink or do drugs, but I was addicted to external validation, to being right about everything, to having things go my way so that I could feel safe. I had a tendency to say whatever I wanted to whomever, without any regard for the appropriateness or necessity of my speaking. I was addicted to being seen and being heard, and, at the same time, I was addicted to being unacceptable and guilty. About nine months before I heard from my brother, I recognized that I had judged him for the very things I found unacceptable about myself.

Nothing in life causes more pain and suffering than the judgments we hold about and against others and ourselves. I think Byron Katie says it best: “When you argue against reality, you will suffer.” Judgments are the thoughts or arguments we hold about or against what is, what was, and what should be. All judgments create suffering and need to be forgiven.

Every interaction and experience in life offers the opportunity to become aware of those things that we do not recognize and/or do not accept about ourselves. This is the foundation of all judgments. It is very easy to point out in others the things we deny, dismiss, avoid, excuse, and resist acknowledging that we actually believe are true about us. When we are willing to be emotionally honest, we will discover that the reactions we have to circumstances, situations, and people give us more information about ourselves than about anyone or anything else. Every upsetting encounter is triggering an emotion that is present on our internal landscape.

N
OTHING IN LIFE CAUSES MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING THAN THE JUDGMENTS WE HOLD ABOUT AND AGAINST OURSELVES
.

When someone makes a remark about us, it may trigger hurt or fear or sadness. We may judge the person as mean or insensitive or disrespectful. Upon a closer investigation, it’s revealed that the thing being said by someone else is the same thing we may have said to ourselves about ourselves—when no one else was around. However, when a person makes the same remark and we
don’t
have that judgment about ourselves, chances are we will not be hurt or offended by it. Regardless of the circumstances, our internal reactions to people and events are a reflection of our own self-judgments and long-held toxic emotions. Rarely do our negative reactions have anything to do with another person’s bad behavior.

P
RIMARY
J
UDGMENT
I
SSUES

More often than not, judgments can be traced back to one of three primary issues:

1. We do not/cannot tolerate the same behavior or characteristic in ourselves.
   When we harbor feelings or inadequacy, inappropriateness, weakness, or the “not-good-enough” syndrome, we resent seeing our behaviors and tendencies demonstrated by another person. Seeing it “out there” embarrasses us, so we condemn what is being demonstrated. A judgment of resentment or embarrassment often reveals that we are not fully expressing ourselves, and we experience resentment or anger when others do so.
   
2. We are unaware that we behave a certain way and of the impact that behavior has on others.
   So we disown it and project the behavior onto others and dislike it “out there.” Whenever we experience dislike, upset, or anger about how someone is being who they are, we must ask ourselves, “How and under what circumstances am I prone to behave the same way?” Only when we become willing to take an honest look within to determine if we share some of the characteristics we dislike in others can we become self-accepting and self-aware.
   
3. When we are envious and resentful, we must find something wrong with others who have what we want or do what we desire to do.
   We judge them in order to make them wrong about who we are and what we have not created for ourselves. When someone attains a certain level of success or recognition, it may remind us of a lack of confidence or success in our own life experience. When feelings of inadequacy surface in the face of success, chances are we will look for and find something wrong with the person to negate what is right or good about them and their accomplishments. This is also known as the “crabs-in-a-barrel” mentality: pulling someone down to the level we believe we are on.
   

Since judgments are a strategy used by the ego to avoid uncomfortable feelings, if we are unaware of the feelings hiding on our own internal landscape, we can and most likely will create all sorts of judgmental stories about the people to distract our attention away from what we are experiencing within. It is only when we forgive our judgments that we can have compassion for others, even when they behave in ways we would not.

Forgiveness allows us to explore and release our long-held beliefs and assumptions about ourselves instead of judging other people. The reward of forgiveness is that it eliminates the trap of unconscious ego gratification that we receive when we judge others and gives rise to a deeper experience of self-understanding. When we truly understand ourselves and cultivate compassion for the less-desirable aspects of who we are, it is highly unlikely that our first reaction will be to judge someone else. What we have more of within and for ourselves, we are free to give more of to others.

Judging people occurs when we watch their actions. The way anyone behaves is a function of their individual understanding of who they are, what is expected, and their historical perspective of life. Often we make judgments about others at a time when we cannot process our own feelings of discomfort. Critical comments about anyone else are always a mirror into our own life and attitudes. With time, practice, and forgiveness we grow a deeper understanding of what we say and do to others that can and will transform how we live within ourselves.

R
EGARDLESS OF HOW HARD, CHALLENGING, FRIGHTENING, OR DIFFICULT AN EXPERIENCE MAY SEEM, EVERYTHING IS JUST AS IT NEEDS TO BE IN ORDER FOR US TO HEAL, GROW, AND LEARN
.

TAPPING INTO FORGIVENESS

A
fter losing my daughter, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted and stuck. I was stuck in sorrow, grief, and rage. The sorrow and grief were understandable. The rage—not so much. I couldn’t put my finger on whom I was angry with or what I was angry about; however, the energy of the rage kept me in a constant state of nausea. More than any other emotion, I know the dangerous impact anger has on the nervous system. I knew what to do, how to heal myself. I did not want to do it because I felt I had a right to the anger. After all, I had just buried my beautiful daughter—why shouldn’t I be angry? Why? Because anger, rage, sadness, shame, guilt, and every other toxic and unproductive emotion is harmful to your body—that’s why. It was the early days of spring. Spring is a time for newness and growth. It was time for me to grow beyond loss and sorrow and sadness and rage. And even though I didn’t want to do it, I knew it was time.

One of my morning practices is to sit on my deck, sip my coffee, and read my daily word: inspirational books that help me stay centered and grounded. When I complete my daily reading, I dump my mind by writing in my journal. It was only 60 degrees outside that morning, but the sun was shining, and that always helps me feel better. So that day, I skipped the reading and went right to my journal. I wrote down everything I could think of that made me mad as hell.

Six pages in, I started writing my Forgiveness Statements. I forgave myself for all of the judgments and fears that I had been holding and protecting. Once I had three pages completed, I began to tap myself free of my turbulent thoughts and feelings. The results were so profound that I later became trained and certified as an expert in a healing process known as the Progressive Emotional Freedom Technique (Pro EFT™), or tapping. Pro EFT™, the process created by EFT Master Lindsay Kenny, can be compared to the process of needless acupuncture. This evolution of meridian-based therapy—used to move energetic blockages through and out of the body—is rooted the pioneering work of Gary Craig.

Every thought creates energy or vibrational waves that send messages throughout the body and into the physical environment in which we live. When we have repetitive negative or toxic thoughts, a disruption occurs in our energy pathways that pollutes the body and creates discord in our life experiences. The energy created by our toxic thoughts and emotions is like fuel in a car; it passes through every system and determines the car’s performance. Good fuel will keep a car running at maximum capacity. Bad fuel will clog every system until the car breaks down or becomes inoperable. Emotions in the body are like fuel in the car; they will either keep you running smoothly or keep you stuck internally and externally. Being stuck internally can result in all sorts of physical ailments and diseases. Being stuck externally can impact relationships, finances, and the ability to find your path or fulfill your destiny.

We all hold negative energy in the form of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and memories about someone or something. Not only do these thoughts create stress, they can also trigger a disruption in the body’s energy or meridian system that is experienced as a physical or psychological pain. Tapping is a process that can unblock the stuck mental, emotional, or psychological discomfort caused by blocked energy. By tapping on specific meridian points on the body and speaking aloud the thoughts and feelings that we hold, we can stimulate and clear the systems in our body that store blocked energy.

On the following pages is a road map of the energy/meridian tapping points that we will be working with throughout our forgiveness process. It was provided by EFT Master Lindsay Kenny, my teacher, friend, and coach. The Tapping System that we use in our 21-Day Forgiveness Practice is my adaptation of Lindsay’s Pro EFT™ system. The Pro EFT™ points are easy to identify and understand, and they can be harnessed to produce miraculous changes in your life.

The Energy Points chart is a helpful reminder of all of the EFT locations on which you will be tapping throughout your forgiveness journey. The Tapping Points Connections chart outlines the deep connections between our energy meridians and our emotions. It underscores why tapping can literally “set us free.”

If you’re brand new to tapping, please visit
www.ProEFT.com
where you can access a Basic EFT manual and lots of invaluable resources on the Free Stuff page.

T
APPING
P
OINTS
C
ONNECTIONS
: M
ERIDIANS AND
E
MOTIONS

Karate Chop Point (KC)
On side of hand
Small Intestine Meridian Releases:
sadness, psychological reversal (feeling stuck or frozen), inability to let go, resistance to change, worry, compulsive behavior

Supports:
letting go of the past, moving forward, healing from grief, connecting to present circumstances

Eyebrow (EB):
Beginning of eyebrow
Bladder Meridian
Releases:
trauma, hurt, sadness, restlessness, frustration, impatience, dread
Supports:
peace, emotional healing

Side of Eye (SE):
Outer corner
Gall Bladder Meridian
Releases:
rage, anger, irritation, resentment, fear of change, muddled thinking
Supports:
clarity, compassion

Under Eye (UE):
On bone beneath eye
Stomach Meridian
Releases:
obsessive worry, anxiety, phobias, frustration, nervousness, cravings
Supports:
trust, contentment, calmness, feeling safe

Under Nose (UN)
Middle of upper lip
Governing Meridian through Spinal Column
Releases:
embarrassment, cowardice, powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear of ridicule or failure, deep psychological reversal