Guarded Heart (11 page)

I closed the door quietly and crawled back into bed.

                I went home the
next day early and made sure I used the chain locks so Wes couldn’t get in…I
needed to get my key back. He tried to call so many times and I finally turned
my ringer off. I fell asleep in bed with the shades and curtains pulled. I
didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I just wanted to disappear. My
nerves were so rattled I felt sick I wanted to be alone and be miserable.

                I woke to a
pounding on my window and Wes hollering to get my attention and then it
stopped. After a few minutes I heard the front door and the chain being
strained as he tried to open the door. I walked out into the living room and he
stopped. He looked at me through the slightly opened door, “Look at me
Sam…please. Let me explain everything. It was completely innocent…Sam you got
to believe me. I know how it looked and I am so sorry but it was nothing.”
Nothing why do they always say that when it is everything…it means EVERYTHING!
I stared at him with a blank look. He was waiting for me to say something but I
had nothing. I felt so empty and I really couldn’t think of one thing to say. I
couldn’t do this again…my heart couldn’t take it. I turned and walked back to
my room leaving him stand there watching me through the cracked door. I just
made it to my bed when the nausea hit I grabbed for the garbage can to empty
the water I had drunk earlier from my system because besides that I had consumed
nothing.

                I hid out as much
as I could but Allison was the one person I knew I needed by my side if I was
going to pull through this.  I was a nervous wreck all the time I couldn’t
stomach anything without eventually running to the bathroom to get sick. I
couldn’t believe I was going through this again. How could I be so stupid to
let myself fall for another guy only to have history repeat itself? Wes called
everyday he sent flowers and cards. He would text but I never read them and left
messages that I never listened to. I knew how it all went... ‘I’m sorry, it was
a mistake, I’ll never hurt you again, how can I make this right…She meant
nothing…blah blah.’ I refused to hear the excuses I just didn’t give a shit
anymore. I hated that I allowed myself to be hurt a second time and I refused
to ever let anyone hurt me again. I became bitter and angry. The things I used
to do that I enjoyed I really didn’t find enjoyable anymore. I had to force
myself to go to work and take care of the patients that once brought me such
joy. Everything I did anymore was forced.

                Wes continued being
pretty consistent with his attempts he would try to call every morning before
work, every lunch hour, on his way home from work and then at least four or
five times throughout the evening. He stopped by a couple times but I had a
locksmith change out the lock on the front door. The first day he tried his key
after I had changed it almost caused me to laugh when I heard him cussing out
the lock…’Damn son of a bitching thing…Fuck!’ He finally realized what happen
and then proceeded to beat on the door for the next twenty minutes then left
squealing his tires.

It had been a week and a half since I found Sarah half
naked at Wes’s. I was at work. Ethan the little boy that used to bring me such
joy was just finishing up with his therapy and I was squeezing my eyes from the
stress headache I had been fighting all day. I stood up to gather up the
therapy ball and so on when I felt light headed. I quickly lowered myself back
to the floor…things were fuzzy and I think I blacked out…I was seeing spots.

“Samantha Honey, are you okay…you fainted sweetheart. I
called someone just sit still you hit your head.” Martha my boss was leaning
over me. “Is there someone you want me to call besides an ambulance, they
should be here any minute?” I told her to call Allison that she was on my phone
under my emergency contact just inside my bag. I closed my eyes and felt the
bile rising and knew what came next. I leaned to the side and got sick.

The ambulance had arrived and they were pushing me out
the door when Alli came running up. I told her I was fine that I probably
fainted from not eating and the stress. I hit my head when I fell and it was
procedure to call 911. I really was fine. I got sick twice on the way to the
hospital and once more while the doctor was examining me. They had told me that
throwing up after hitting your head was a sign of a concussion and they wanted
to do a scan to make sure everything looked ok.

Allison sat next to me the entire time and Mitch called
to ask her what was wrong. After she explained everything to him about what had
happened I quickly hollered to her to tell him not to mention anything about it
to Wes I did not want him here. He agreed and I was thankful. If he showed up
here I knew I could not avoid him. We waited about twenty minutes and they came
to wheel me to X-ray. Alli waited in the room for me to return.

“Okay darling I am just going to lay this across your
entire midsection just encase there is a chance you may be pregnant.” WHAT!
Pregnant I am not pregnant…I am on the pill and have been for five years or
more. There was no way. “I’m not pregnant ma’am but thanks.” She stepped from
the room as the test began and I closed my eyes to relax. I started running
dates in my head…the 3
^rd
…Thursday, Friday…1, Wait a minute…my eyes
flew open in a panic. I needed my purse now…Shit! The test wasn’t moving fast
enough I need my bag I had to see my pill packet I know I started a new pack
right before I got sick. If I was calculating correctly in my head I should
have started this next packet last week or wait… damn it what is the date? I
hadn’t thought about it until she said something. I should have just been
finishing up my period. I think I lost track of my sugar pills and the week I
last had my period. Damn it…move hurry up lady! I was about to yell to ask her
if we were done when I heard her announce that she just finished.

If I could have gotten off the bed and ran back to my
room I would have but the nurse pushed me back on the bed so damn slowly and my
irritation level was almost through the damn roof. When I got into the room and
the nurse locked my bed in place she told me it would be a few minutes and the
doctor would be in with my blood work results after he took a look at my scans.

Allison was staring at me with a weird look, “Um what
happened…you look freaked out?” I felt like I was going to pass out again but I
knew it was the anxiety running through me. “Alli can you get me my bag
please…hurry!” She grabbed it from the chair next to her and quickly brought it
over. I started rummaging through it frantically and just eventually turned it
upside down dumping everything out. I found my pill compact and opened it. I
stared at it in my hands and the tears came fast. I couldn’t stop them and I
was now sobbing uncontrollably. She looked worried until she noticed what I was
holding, “Sam, will you tell me what’s going on please?” I looked at her
through my tears and barely whispered back, “I think I might be pregnant!”

Allison sat next to me rubbing my shoulders as I
explained about missing my period and with all the drama of me and Wes I had
lost track of time. I took my pill without even thinking about the fact that I
should have been on my period. The pill was just part of my day. I had taking
it for so long that when I reached my sugar pills it just didn’t even register.
I had really just floated through my days lately without thinking about
anything in too much detail.

“Well I have some good news, your scan looks good no
bleeding or swelling. Just a light bump on your head but looking at your blood
work I do have to ask…did you know you were pregnant.” There it
was…confirmation of what I already feared. I was pregnant…with Wes’s child…the
man that cheated on me with his drugged up alcoholic ex-wife. I was living a
Lifetime show and I just wanted to scream. I wanted to wake the hell up and have
it all be a horrible nightmare. I couldn’t respond to the doctor I just stared
at him waiting for him tell me it was all a joke…a mean one but all a joke. He
never did.

I left the hospital with Allison and she drove me back to
work to get me car. “Are you going to tell him Sam? You should tell him because
he has a responsibility to you and to your baby.” I just laughed and by the
look on her face I think she thought I was going insane she looked confused by
my response. “Right, yeah let me call him so he can run back and forth between
me and Sarah taking care of us…better yet we can all move in together and we
can share him. Maybe I can have Sunday Tuesday and Thursday…Monday Wednesday
Friday he can please her and then Saturday can be a day of recovery from all of
his pleasing…that sounds like a plan. Then when the baby comes all three of us
can raise it together. No thanks I don’t need him, I can do this on my own.
Don’t say anything please. I don’t need anyone. This is my baby…mine.”

I got out of the jeep and went to my car to drive home to
my empty house.

Martha insisted that I take Friday off and the weekend to
recover. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about the pregnancy until it became hard
to hide. I went through my days and nights lonely but I got through them. I
bumped into Tony once but kept walking like I didn’t hear him talking I had
learned my lesson with him. He will assume I want him back if I even say hello.

I tried forcing food but it was hard. I felt miserable
all the time but somehow I manage soup and crackers occasionally. 7up was
sometimes tolerable along with water I was trying to stay away from my coffee
addiction. I missed my wine though and I would kill for a beer. This next seven
or eight months was really going to drag on forever. I had an appointment to
see my gynecologist Friday afternoon and I would find out exactly how far along
I was and maybe when I would be due.

My doctor was actually on the second floor of the
hospital I arrived a few minutes early so I gathered my things and walked to
the entrance. I had my head down and I turned left to the elevators when I
heard a familiar giggle. I didn’t want to turn around I knew it was MaKayla but
my curiosity had gotten the best of me. There she stood looking up at Wes’s
sister. We locked eyes and she immediately walked in my direction with Kayla
right along her sides. Kayla had giving me a hug and told me she missed me. I
held back the tears from seeing her precious little eyes look up at me. “Samantha
hi how are you doing? I have missed you around the house.” I smiled and hoped I
wouldn’t break down thinking about everything. Rachel was always so sweet to
me, “Yeah things are really kind of crazy. I have been working a lot and well…”
I trailed off looking back at the elevator as it dinged and opened. I stepped
to place my hand on the side so it wouldn’t shut again. Rachel looked like she
felt sorry for me. Please don’t pity me. “Amy had the baby we are all just here
to see the little guy. Wes is upstairs and Wade is over the moon. Is everything
okay with you I mean are you sick or something? You look really tired.” I shook
my head, “Um no, I’m not sick I just have a patient here and I was coming for a
little visit. Maybe I’ll try to stop by after to see the baby. If I don’t make
it tell them I said congratulations.”

After the elevator shut I relaxed back against the wall
and took a deep breath. Whew…I didn’t realize how hard it would be to see his
family. They were all so nice to me and I really loved them but I guess I
didn’t make the cut after all.

“You are about Seven to eight weeks so pretty early and
that puts your due date around….let’s see. Hm…May 15
^th
.” Dr.
Overlash was talking but I was looking at the sonogram pictures he printed for
me as I held them in my hand. My little bean…teeny tiny little bean maybe a
little more like a dot. I hear him but I couldn’t tear myself away from the
amazing miracle that I now had a picture to make it all a reality. I was going
to be someone’s ‘Momma’. My eyes filled with tears at the thought and I thanked
the doctor before he exited allowing me to get dressed. They set me up for
another appointment in four weeks.

I still held the sonogram picture in my hand as I exited
the hospital and walked to my car. I had to show Allison my baby bean.
“Sam…Wait!” I froze at the sound of his voice. I frantically stuffed the
picture into my purse and grabbed for my keys. “Please wait Sam. I want to
talk…please. Can you just wait a damn minute?” I turned to face him and my
knees weakened at the sight of him…still as gorgeous as ever, maybe more. “Are
you okay? Are you sick?” Wow, “No Wes I am not sick I am fine.” He stopped two
feet from me and looked me directly in the eyes, “I don’t believe you. Your
hiding something, if you are sick let me”, shaking my head I had to stop him.
“I am not sick I had my regular yearly checkup that is it! Just walk away
Wes…please just walk away.” I had my back to him and opened my car door.

Wes stepped in close behind me, so close that I could
feel his breath on my neck. He rested his hand on my lower back, “You see baby,
that’s a big problem for me…because I can’t just walk away. I’m madly, deeply
in love with you…that is not something I can just walk away from Sam. Baby you
have a direct line to my heart and it is so empty and lonely without you. I
want to fix us more than anything…please let me.” I got into my car and I was
now crying as I looked over at him, “It is not just about us anymore and I
can’t let you back in Wes I’m sorry but I just can’t.” I put my key in the
ignition and started my car. “What do you mean it is not just about us…what
does that mean Sam?” He held his hands up in the air as I shut my door and
pulled away.

I cried all the way to Allison’s and cried for two hours
after. I showed her my Sonogram and told her all about seeing Rachel and then
Wes was waiting for me outside after my appointment. She let me cry on her
shoulder until Mitch came home. They insisted I stay for dinner but once Mitch
started frying the sausage I lost it. I hurled roughly until I felt empty and
then I got sick once more as I dry heaved until my eyes were watering. I was
bawling my eyes out as Mitch held my hair and Allison wiped my mouth. I felt
like such a charity case.